The exact ways this mess affected you?

[.cup.car]

Wanted to have a really good session with the T and jotted down some notes beforehand. A buddy of mine had made a comment to me wondering how this had all messed with my psyche, so I tried to think long and hard about all the different ways this relationship and the ensuing drama afterwards affected me. Maybe y'all will see something familiar and it'll help or whatever.

I don't miss her. Her looks were the primary reason I downplayed a lot of her strange behavior for so long. Focusing on the memories of her hurtful behavior made forgetting her pretty easy.

I don't care about her. I could still make a rather large list of things I've done in the past year that have nothing to do with dealing with my ex. Some of these things include "going out with other girls", "going out with friends", "renewing my interest in old hobbies" or "refraining from taking drugs/alcohol." That's all stuff that's a sign you've moved on.

I constantly find myself remembering random moments from the relationship, even though I don't want to. Fragments of phone conversations, or talks we've had in her room, or messages on Facebook, or fights, or stuff in bed... .That'll all just come to me at random. I don't understand why. It sucks.

I constantly find myself remembering random moments from the court dates/police stuff, even though I don't want to. Same as above. Fragments of what her father said in court, or what she said in court, or things police officers have said to me about her... .It all just sort of pops up out of nowhere. Sometimes it's completely unprovoked. Nothing triggers it, it's just there.

Most of the random memories that come to me focus on her mood/facial expressions/eyes. It's as if she's right in front of me and I can picture her face. Either the hardcore gaslighting act where she's rolling her eyes and shaking her head as if I'm the crazy one, or her "autism stare" where we'd be driving and I could sense her looking at me from the passenger seat. Or sitting on her bed talking where it was if she were six years old and got everything she asked for on her Christmas list. Couldn't tell you what days these were from though.

Certain movie characters remind me of her. Tiffany from Silver Linings Playbook is a good example. The dinner scene between her and Pat, where they awkwardly compare medications... .We've had those conversations. I've also gotten texts from friends after they'd watched It's Kind of a Funny Story on cable TV and been all "yo .cup.car, I just watched this movie, it's totally how you and [REDACTED] met." Makes it feel like I just saw her yesterday and it's a terrible feeling.

Constantly ask myself what I did to deserve this treatment from a girl. I know how I present myself to other people and I know what other people think of me. The fact that someone spent several years of their life waking up in the morning with the sole purpose to torment me, isn't cool. Like, there's no logical reason for somebody to do this.

Constantly ask myself how everything got so mishandled. This really only applied to the legal battle. I'm a dude and had every reason to keep this girl away from me. Somehow, two separate judges pointed the finger at me and claimed that because I called her a slut once online, that was just as bad as her ringing my mom a year after we'd broken up, or punching me in the face. This has gotten better though, as the same RCMP detachment I went to for help ended up making national headlines. The same justice system that nearly refused to believe my side of the story ended up letting a killer walk free despite a lengthy rapsheet - and he promptly killed an officer a few weeks later.

Nightmares about running into her or having to talk to her. Self explanatory.

Listening to reggae or Metallica's Kill 'Em All bothers me. It's like I'm back in her room. It's not cool.

Spending less time with friends in fear they'll see something I'm not aware of & label me a creep. Gaslighting is nuts. You'll legit think you're crazy and be afraid to see your own friends in fear they'll jump to the same conclusions your ex did. You still go out with them, but you don't feel bad when you don't see them for a while.

No interest in music anymore. When I do try to listen to some stuff, it's really oddball. Bands I would never listen to. Classical. Piano.

Sleeping & eating more. Literally can't stop eating. Sometimes find myself going to bed at 8pm, even on weekends.

[Copperfox]

That's a good list cup.car.  I think many of us here can relate to many of those items.  The random images of facial expressions, still vivid as day.  The triggering memories from odd sources.  They seem like such puzzles, like a jigsaw in my mind.

It's funny you mention the taking on of quirky new habits, and the music thing in particular.  I couldn't listen to music in my car for a solid two months afterward.  I can't explain why exactly.  It just made my skin crawl.  I preferred the silence/chaos of my own mind.  Felt safer somehow, rather than being suddenly reminded.  Seem to be past that now.  Like to think I'm more "colorful" these days, colored by experience, both good and bad.  Experience does that ... .at least I hope so.

[downwhim]

Thanks for bringing up this topic. Here is my list of how this r/s has affected my psyche:

1. MUSIC - I love music and I too do not want to turn it on in my car. There are too many songs with heavy meanings and it is a trigger.

2. TRAIN- I have mentioned this before. There is a train that goes down through the middle of his town and I can hear it from my house too. Many times made love with that train in the background.

3.  WORKING OUT-I now work out 4 to 6 times a week. It makes me feel better and keeps me busy.

4.  EATING-I have lost weight as food just doesn't mean that much to me without cooking it together.

5.  INTEREST IN DOING ACTIVITIES - I do not have my normal personality back. I am depressed so no matter what it is, I have found I am just not that into it.

6. BED-My comfort is my bed. I am in my bed too much but it is winter and I have pillows all around me and I use my computer, snuggle next to my dog, watch tv or sleep.

7. MOVING- I live way to close to him. Rather than run into him, have triggers all around me, I am moving away. This is going to be a hassle to get all my stuff packed and house on the market but I cannot stay here. Too painful.

I normally am an upbeat outgoing happy person but with this un-engagement and the result of being with a BPD who has drug me down for so long I have changed.

He turned my world upside down and now I need to learn how to make it right again. I hope one day too I can fall in love again.

[downwhim]

Also, when you think you are making plans for a future with someone and then it is all gone. You feel lost. We were moving to Arizona, taking a trip in the RV to look at property. It is all poof. An up coming marriage and getting his family to visit from 3states. gone.

It is just damn hard and I feel stuck right now ruminating which is not healthy. Off to work so that will help.

[Infared]

It effected me rather drastically.

I lost 40lbs.

I didn't sleep for two months. (that is not a joke... and if I hadn't lived through it ... .I would not believe it was possible.

I never felt so much pronounced grief in my life. I guess I had all my cookies in that basket and with 3 words (I'm leaving you), the basket was empty.

I needed intense therapy and a self-help group.

I was suicidal, at times.  ... .with massive swings of depression and anxiety.

I did slowly... slowly come out of it... .gained the weight back, can listen to music, etc... . I am calm, and centered and life is ok.

I do still have a background sadness in my heart that never went away.

I stopped dating.  (I did have one 9-month relationship after, which I ended). The impact was so intense ... .that I just do not ever want to experience that kind of emotional pain again in my life.

It's a healthy decision for me. Not saying anyone else should need to go there.

I would not wish that experience on anyone, not even her.

[raisins3142]

Lost weight.

Drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes more.

Became less close with other friends/family.

Had a shorter fuse and was less tolerant of others.

The only things still lingering are:

Preoccupied with the relationship that is now over.

Angry at her/situation.

Lessening of social confidence, esteem, ambition.

Making me feel that supposedly monogamous lifelong relationships are generally not worth the effort, and I'd be happy not looking at all and planning to spend my life without a significant other.

Fear I'll meet another BPD.

Fear that I'll run into her or hear something about her that will be upsetting.