divorcing a BPD

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Struggling with leaving her.  We finally found out what she had.now a  :)ivorce, lies,verbal, physical abuse and an Alcoholic, plus a PPO and she went to jail for violating PPO order.  Feel like I need to save her or left her at her worst. I Feel a little selfish. Like I need to save her.   But she lies about being an alcoholic and has no remorse over verbal attacks and threats.  It it was very unhealthy for me.   Now no fear, no threats. No fights.  No police.   It seems so overwhelming, for her  to do this alone.  Like I should be supportive.  But she has blown any support with every family member.   We suggested therapy.   Work. Sobriety.   We will see.        

[mtblue516]

Struggling with leaving her.  We finally found out what she had.now a  :)ivorce, lies,verbal, physical abuse and an Alcoholic, plus a PPO and she went to jail for violating PPO order.  Feel like I need to save her or left her at her worst. I Feel a little selfish. Like I need to save her.   But she lies about being an alcoholic and has no remorse over verbal attacks and threats.  It it was very unhealthy for me.   Now no fear, no threats. No fights.  No police.   It seems so overwhelming, for her  to do this alone.  Like I should be supportive.  But she has blown any support with every family member.   We suggested therapy.   Work. Sobriety.   We will see.        

[maxen]

hi mtblue and 

i'm so sorry for the situation you're in. there are many here who will understand the things you've mentioned - the alcohol, the tendency to want to save, the abuse. i hope you'll find the information and support you need.

can you say a little more? is she in jail now? is the divorce coming up or has it happened? please keep posting mtblue!

[Deb]

mtblue516,

The thiong with BPD and alcoholism is that to get better two things have to happen:

1)  Acknowlege that there is a problem and 2) work towards getting better. If she does not acknowlege there is a problem than that makes getting better pretty hard. And with both these diseases, the ONLY one that can do it is the sufferer. She has to do it because she wants her life to be better. You CAN'T do it for her. So yes, she has to do it alone. If she goes to something like AA, she will have support from people who have been there.

One last thing, might I suggest ALanon or some other codependant group? Maybe read "Codependant No More" or other books. I think there is a book called Z"Stop Caretaking the Borderline" or something similar. You are in deep FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

[livednlearned]

Hi mtblue516,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, and have been through. It sounds like the divorce is already filed and done? Recovering from these relationships is tough, and it can take a while to process. Have you looked at Recovering from A Relationship Break-up -- there are a lot of tools and workshops, including a helpful lesson about how grief passes through us as we heal.

My ex was an alcoholic and it was devastating to live with someone that self-destructive. It was stunning to me that he could deny the extent of his alcoholism. Even waking up in his own feces, with poop all over the room from stumbling around trying to find the bathroom, he still denied he was a drunk. I guess binge drinking is how you get the "flu." 

Is she still in jail?

[Hope0807]

Cannot more highly recommend the book:  "Splitting" by Randi Kreger & Bill Eddy.  The words are simple, wise, and oh such life saving advice for those leaving situations with personality disorders and addiction.

I've been there, my divorce is final and I'm healing more than reeling…but this is quite a journey.  Wishing you peace and dignity in this trying process.

[mtblue516]

Thanks for supportive replies. Yes I am living in that "FOG". She has made me feel that way.  Plus the woman I know,who is capable of accomplishing so much.  Just cannot keep it together.  frustrating.felt like a babbysitter. She is out of jail now, court date on violation in a month.  PPO. Still active. No communication now per order.  Divorce will be final in March.  We have known each other 15 years.the whole family has cut her off. Demanding therapy,her kids too.  They are all adults now. She is 54.   I Am 47.  Just wondering, if its  even worth thinking about so much. Until she does things for herself. 

[ForeverDad]

One word:  Consequences.  She's an adult, let her face her consequences.  Anything less and you're very likely to be Enabling her to continue on this downward spiral.

When my then-spouse was arrested for Threat of DV the officer warned me of the guilty feelings, feeling an obligation to be nice or forgiving, that's natural, but he warned that if I did then nothing would get fixed, it wouldn't get better and could even get worse.