im so confused and dont know what to do

[alivepearl]

Hi, im new to this forum. my fiance has just been diagnosed with BPD about 2 weeks ago, About a month ago, after an argument he left for 2.5 weeks, cheated on me, treated me like dirt and tortured me with words. Before this, my fiance was my dream partner. We rarely ever fought and loved spending time together. We spoke about our future and babies every day. Out of the blue, my whole world is ripped apart. After 2.5 weeks of hell, he "woke  up" and told me he was sorry and would do anything to fix us. That I was all that mattered to him. Now it's 2 weeks on and he is emotionally abusing me through non-verbal threats of suicide, self-harm and silent treatment, On one hand he says he doesnt want to die, he just "feels like it" but he is also self harming a lot and his forearms is completely covered in fresh self harm scars. he is still working and i think even telling people that im crazy. I feel so alone and desperate. Im controlled by my worry for his safety. Tonight i told him he cant come home because he left again last night and didnt come home, giving me the silent treatment... .again left to worry. So i called his bluff and said he cant come home. Now he's gone all silent again. And im back to square one. The one who's left worrying. Im tormented. I want to help him but it's so hard, i dont know what to do. And i know I should pull away but it's hard to walk away from someone who you planned on spending the rest of your life with

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It is extremely difficult to watch someone you care about harm themselves.  There are a lot of people here who are going through a lot of similar experiences.  You will get great advice here.  Please read the articles on the side and know that you are not alone.

[Restored2]

Welcome to this very supportive family, alivepearl!  We all have our own BPD stories from various relationships.  It is so unfortunate what you are going through.  No one deserves to be disrespected and mistreated.  

He definitely appears to have BPD traits and possibly some other disorders.  The good news is that you are finding out now before getting married.  

The below link is written by another new member named still_ in_shock and should be very enlightening for what you could be dodging in not marrying this abusive man.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271907.0

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are enduring all this. I know how much you must love him.

Please please please get a therapist for yourself. We must put our own oxygen masks on first to be able to be of help for anyone else.

What you are enduring is abuse. Plain and simple it is abuse. Mental illness is not an excuse for abusing another. There is hope and help but you have to be careful not to lose yourself in the process. You are a wonderful person and do not deserve to suffer at the hands of your loved one.

I wil attach some links that helped me a great deal. I hope they can bring you hope and strength. I admire your love and concern for your fiancee. Come back and post again so we know how you are doing.

sending you hugs and courage.   

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Basics/cycle_of_violence.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/couples_therapy.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/The_Con/gaslighting.html

[alivepearl]

Thanks to everyone for their support, it's my first time using a blog and Im so grateful for yere comments. Today was a better day for me personally. Im actually learning about CBT in a course im doing so that helped me today. When i seen my exfiance this evening (he works in my gym), i was polite but kept my distance and left straight away after. he came running out after me, and mentioned something about someone giving him a lot of money to go on a holiday and that he was planning on drinking last Monday (he despises alcohol), and he was going to end it that night but he didnt. I said i was proud of the him for making the right decisions and good luck with the holiday. He seemed more communicative and empathetic. He even mentioned that our pet cat needs to go to the vet. So im guessing the charming is starting again. Im wiser this time though. Any advice on what to do next? Just to say also, i believe he is chronically depressed also but he is not medicated. Currently is only on seroquel once at night. Does anyone else know what meds suit this best? Also, what are the chances of him recovering... .do things ever get better or stabilise for people with BPD? 

[Restored2]

Hi alivepearl.  You're welcome.  Glad to be of any help.  It's good to hear that you had a better day today. 

Sounds like a bit of a guilt trip that your ex-fiance might have been trying to put on you with his thoughts of suicide suggestion.  Also known as FOG - Fear, obligation and guilt.  Being wiser to see through his charm is a much stronger position to come from. 

As for you seeking advice, I'm not sure if working out at the same gym that he works at is the best of ways to avoid interacting with him.  A pharmacist is best to advise on any medications, as this is an individual case. 

From what I understand, outside of a healing miracle, it would take a lot of work for a BPD person to get better or stabilize, which would involve intensive and progressive counselling/therapy treatment.

Did you read the link that I provided to you earlier by still_in_shock?