Let me get this straight: The harder you love the harder they resent/hate?

[Wood stock]

I've been on this site for the last several months and read so much. Everyone on here has something to offer--thank you BPD family for helping me see that I really am not the crazy one and that I am a good person who just got caught up in a "circus."

I have learned so much--but am I over-simplifying when I tell myself "It doesn't matter--it's a no win.  The more you show love and loyalty and consistency, the more he will hate you, doubt your motives for being loyal, and create chaos"? 

I know that not all BPD's are identical and there is a broad spectrum out there, but isn't this basically true? The more I love and the more I give to the relationship, the more he will sabotage things because he doesn't know what peace and calm look like (which is rooted in the fact he lacks peace and calm within himself)?

Or did I fail the BPD 101 class?

[hope2727]

I've been on this site for the last several months and read so much. Everyone on here has something to offer--thank you BPD family for helping me see that I really am not the crazy one and that I am a good person who just got caught up in a "circus."

I have learned so much--but am I over-simplifying when I tell myself "It doesn't matter--it's a no win.  The more you show love and loyalty and consistency, the more he will hate you, doubt your motives for being loyal, and create chaos"? 

I know that not all BPD's are identical and there is a broad spectrum out there, but isn't this basically true? The more I love and the more I give to the relationship, the more he will sabotage things because he doesn't know what peace and calm look like (which is rooted in the fact he lacks peace and calm within himself)?

Or did I fail the BPD 101 class?

Sounds like you got an A++ to me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Your thinking is in the ballpark MJ.  Borderlines feel emotions very strongly and don't have the ability to regulate them, so the closer we try and get emotionally, the more intense the emotions get, they become 'triggered'.  The core of the disorder is fear of abandonment, countered by a fear of engulfment, getting so close that a borderline will lose themselves in the other person, and those two fears, and the emotions around them, escalate the further down the path we go.

So the 'hate' is a defense mechanism; you need to be the scumbag to blame for everything so he doesn't have to take any responsibility, which would result in shame, plus he can project crap on you he doesn't like about himself and you will take it with you when you leave.  It's all about him managing his own feelings, which you may have noticed is a full time job.

[Sandman1881]

I've been on this site for the last several months and read so much... .It doesn't matter--it's a no win.  The more you show love and loyalty and consistency, the more he will hate you, doubt your motives for being loyal, and create chaos"? 

I know that not all BPD's are identical and there is a broad spectrum out there, but isn't this basically true? The more I love and the more I give to the relationship... .

Or did I fail the BPD 101 class?

I've never known anything to suck more... .

I've gone back over so many emails, text messages, Facebook messages of me trying my everything to get thru to her, tried my all to convince her my love was genuine and so true. She would get it, she just could never keep it... .like trying to fill a colander.

4+ months out. Alone,  but not lonely. I have some peace in my life once again. Even with my life still upside down from the break. Lost nearly everything.

[Wood stock]

Wow. Thanks you guys... .validation. Maybe  I can sleep tonight.

[myself]

the more he will sabotage things because he doesn't know what peace and calm look like

(which is rooted in the fact he lacks peace and calm within himself)?

That's it. He knows what it looks like, but can't consistently be calm and peaceful himself. So what do some people do with that kind of energy when it isn't being controlled calmly and peacefully? It's like a pressure cooker we had when I was a kid. If the release valve was clogged, and the steam couldn't get through, what was cooking ended up everywhere. The difference between a human and a metal pot is the human can decide for him or her self to find ways to make sure their release valve doesn't clog, and if it does, to at least step up and help deal with the mess. So many of our exes seem to just keep exploding, as it were, which at some point is an intentional choice with real repercussions. Accountability, etc. Sabotage is a really good word for it, as pwBPD are at constant war with facts and feelings, with others and with themselves. Trying to find ways to 'win'. Any ways will do. Even though they may be the ones losing the most of all.

[SlyQQ]

imho For what its worth its probably more complicated when the BPD starts taking you for granted which happens more quickly the greater your dedication the more they showsof their true selves ( anger /isolation /despair ) what ensues is not hate, but disdain. hate comes from other triggers further along

[JRT]

imho For what its worth its probably more complicated

when the BPD starts taking you for granted

which happens more quickly the greater your

dedication the more they  showsof their true

selves ( anger /isolation /despair ) what ensues is not hate, but disdain.

hate comes from other triggers further

along

I am seeing that for the first time... .what do you mean when you say disdain?

[Sandman1881]

what ensues is not hate, but disdain.

hate comes from other triggers further

along

"you're always talking, talking, talking... .blah, blah, blah, blah... ." And I would say, "but babe, I was just asking you a question about this or about that." And then I would think to myself "You know what normal people do."

Communication was a major issue even from the very start. I had a conversation with a female friend of mine about 3 weeks into our relationship and I specifically remember telling my friend that it was incredibly difficult to communicate with her and it was in fact a concern of mine.  Red Flag But that copper/blonde hair and curls and those damn pretty blue eyes kept me coming back for more time and time again. Until the actual very bitter end when I got the Primal Stare. Those blue eyes were no longer pretty. They were absolutely blank, empty, and void of anything other than complete and total hatred and pure distain. At that moment, I was the target of all of her hatred and rage.

It sucks that I'm awake posting this at 4 in the morning.

I stll sleep with her pillow under my head every night. I thought of letting it go,  but I guess I'm not ready yet.

[SlyQQ]

Disdain treat you like you are worthless denegrate you ignore you ( talking over the top of you or sayiing thats stupid etc etc

[NYMike]

what ensues is not hate, but disdain.

hate comes from other triggers further

along

"you're always talking, talking, talking... .blah, blah, blah, blah... ." And I would say, "but babe, I was just asking you a question about this or about that." And then I would think to myself "You know what normal people do."

Communication was a major issue even from the very start. I had a conversation with a female friend of mine about 3 weeks into our relationship and I specifically remember telling my friend that it was incredibly difficult to communicate with her and it was in fact a concern of mine.  Red Flag But that copper/blonde hair and curls and those damn pretty blue eyes kept me coming back for more time and time again. Until the actual very bitter end when I got the Primal Stare. Those blue eyes were no longer pretty. They were absolutely blank, empty, and void of anything other than complete and total hatred and pure distain. At that moment, I was the target of all of her hatred and rage.

It sucks that I'm awake posting this at 4 in the morning.

I stll sleep with her pillow under my head every night. I thought of letting it go,  but I guess I'm not ready yet.

It is ok to ''not let go''.I feel it takes what it takes.Some people can let go faster than others.

You will let it go when you are ready.Once you feel and process all of this,you will put this all behind you.

Grieving is healthy and very painful.Again I feel it takes what it takes.You have my permission to take all the time you need.

[Copperfox]

We become the trigger.


Lot of great old threads on this, here's a good one (including some member 2010 wisdom): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=126810.0;all

Sometimes when I still struggle with the what if's, I go find members on the staying board from around 2010/2011 or so, then follow their stories through subsequent years.  Many of them, despite their commitment, don't make it.  Take solace in the fact that often even the best of us, with 110% effort, will not succeed in the face these issues/behaviors.  They strike right at the core of what makes relationships tick.

[Maternus]

We become the trigger.

Yes, just like our predecessors were triggers when were in the relationship. It was often impossible to plan something for the weekends the children of my ex spent with their father. There was always something terrible her ex-husband did or said on the short meeting to exchange the kids. It triggered her so much that she was ill tempered for the whole weekend. 

[HappyNihilist]

We become the trigger.

Exactly.

And it's not so much how hard we love that determines it, but rather how the borderline feels about us and the relationship. If they have feelings of love/intimacy towards a partner, that triggers their core abandonment and intimacy fears. So it's more like, the stronger their feelings of love/closeness, the greater the fear trigger that results.

Once we've become a trigger for these fears, we will always be one.

If a borderline gets treatment and really works on him-/herself, then he/she can manage those triggered fears more effectively. But they're still there and have to be dealt with. Without treatment, the push/pull intimacy cycle will just repeat indefinitely.

[JRT]

Its the saddest part of it: they finally achieve what they so desperately want and need and that very goal or attainment freaks them out and pushes them away. What an odd disorder!