Bpd sister, where to go from here

[Liz Turner]

Hello everyone. My sister has never been formally diagnosed because she refuses to get help or even go to a regular doctor for check ups. About 5 years ago she moved to the same town as me (2 hrs from our elderly parents). We are both early 40s, I am older. She had lived in another city faraway so we only saw her in person during short visits. But we all spent hours on the phone with her as she recounted terrible experiences she had had with employers, friends, roommates... .you name it. We were all relieved when she moved down here closer to us. But that's when we started to see that something had gone terribly wrong with her. She had been very sensitive as a child and young person, but still a very sweet loving person. But when she moved back closer to home she was different. Strange way of dressing, argumentative, very dark in her interests. My ex-husband and I let her move in with us while she tried to find work. She went in and out of terrible living situations, making really bad choices. Finally she started her own modest business and supports herself that way. Things have gone from bad to worse the past 2 or 3 years. I don't want to be too specific because I'm afraid she will read this. She likes diagnosing other people with mental problems. I am her favorite target as her only sibling/sister. She has accused me of heinous acts that are untrue or greatly exaggerated. My mother is a favorite target as well. Now that she has cut off all her friends we and her boyfriend bear the brunt of her attacks. I just tried talking to her for the first time in a long time, at the request of my parents. We had a long rambling phone conversation, if you can call it that, since she did most of the talking. It ended fine with plans to see each other soon. Later that night, and the next day, the hateful texts started. I'm done until she gets help, the things she says are just too outlandish and hateful and I have to keep  things stable for my kids as a divorced mom. They want nothing to do with her and are afraid of her. My question to you all is, what are my parents going to do? I think they finally see how sick she is, but she refuses help/cuts off contact when anyone tells her she has a problem. I guess I'm just looking for some sympathy, as she's really done a number on my

Peace of mind, and some ideas for my poor parents as to ways to get her some help. Her boyfriend isn't much help, he is dependent on her for a place to live and has no incentive for her to get help. Thank you very much for any wisdom and advice you all can give me. Liz

[DreamGirl]

Hi there,



You are definitely in the right place for a sympathetic ear, we all really do understand. 

Managing these kinds of relationship can be difficult, especially when our family member struggles in boundary busting. It's also tough to get someone into therapy who doesn't want to go.

What do your parents say? How often do they talk to your sister?

~DG

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Liz 

Wow, reading your post is like it was written about my BPDsis.  The stories about horrible experiences, with employers, friends, etc. The making stuff up, the hate text messages.  Many of the hate text messages and emails I received from BPDsis were completely unprovoked and the previous contact I had with her before receiving them was for the most part okay.

I can tell you that for years I was determined to try to fix her, as if I had that ability.  She too cuts people off when they suggest she needs help and then goes and self diagnoses people with mental disorders.  She has a distrust of doctors like you wouldn't believe!  Anyway, me trying to "fix" her didn't work.  Things got so bad that I had to cut her off.  She would say that she wouldn't talk to me again, but still continued to send hate emails and text messages.  The last exchange we had, she told me to move out of state, insulted my husband and told our Mom to take a "dirt nap." (she targets me and my Mom as well).  At that I told her to stop contacting me and with my IPhone (not sure if other devices offer this) I was able to block any calls or text messages from her.  Everything I had done to help previously did not work simply because she doesn't feel she needs help.  All it was doing was putting stress on me and making it hard for me not to take it out on my daughters and my husband.  I'm not saying that no contact is for everyone, but it really is the best option for me.  You certainly have my sympathy!

Peace of mind, and some ideas for my poor parents as to ways to get her some help. Her boyfriend isn't much help, he is dependent on her for a place to live and has no incentive for her to get help. Thank you very much for any wisdom and advice you all can give me. Liz

Unfortunately if your sister is adverse to receiving help, she just isn't going to accept it.  My parents went through the same thing with my sis.  When things first started getting REALLY Bad (about 5 years ago) she cut us all off for suggesting she talk with someone.  She has since ended up getting herself mental hygiene arrested at least 4 times since (my sis also has schizoaffective disorder and drug abuse issues).

Anyway, I am truly sorry you are going through this, it isn't easy at all for you or your parents.   

[Liz Turner]

Thanks guys. I'm so glad I'm not alone, though sorry everyone has to be here. I have decided to go no contact after this last communication attempt. Now there's not even a grain of truth in her outbursts and it's gotten so hateful it's crossed the line into evil. I hope I don't make anyone mad by saying this but she gets so dark it almost seems like she's possessed by the devil. Not sure if I believe in that but it's that extreme and unprovoked. Thanks for answering. My parents are trying to figure out what they can do because she doesn't think she needs help and cuts off anyone who suggests otherwise. But she hasn't done anything outrageous enough in the public eye to get forced into help. Does your BPD relative/sister accuse you and your parents of abusing her? It's so terrible. I'm just waiting for the next false memory to "surface." Sigh. Liz

[Liz Turner]

To answer the question, my parents talk to her maybe every week or two. She visits occasionally.

[sisterofbpd]

I hope I don't make anyone mad by saying this but she gets so dark it almost seems like she's possessed by the devil. Not sure if I believe in that but it's that extreme and unprovoked.

I've totally wondered about my sister being possessed, especially with the crazy look she gets on her face right before a rage.

Does your BPD relative/sister accuse you and your parents of abusing her? It's so terrible. I'm just waiting for the next false memory to "surface." Sigh. Liz

Absolutely.  BPD/Schizoaffective sis has accused my parents of the most vial things imaginable.  Not only did she accused them, but she did it in an email and copied in our entire extended family!  After she was Mental Hygiene arrested (one of the times) and forced to take meds, she said that she was wrong for saying those things and that they didn't happen.  Now she is off meds and back to accusing again.  It's hurtful, embarrassing and exhausting.