feeling alone

[ollieJ]

Hello: i was so happy to come across this site as I have been struggling with my situation for the past 3 years and have been dealing with it alone. The person I am involved with i have known for 25 years. We are best friends and we work together. We have always had a very close relationship but we were not intimate. In fact we were not attracted to each other in a romantic way at all which made our friendship work. Both of us are married.

Three years ago an affair began. I was shocked at how quickly i saw a different side of him. He decided to leave his wife and has since turned all of his attention on me. I recognize that my decision to have an affair was a mistake and i am looking for a way out. He has put me and the relationship on a pedistal where it does not belong. He has used guilt, implied threats and secuction to keep me here.

He is seeing a counsellor and he has acknowledged that he is borderline so he does have moments of insight but they are short lived.

I have not spoken to anyone of my situation. I am hoping for some support and advice. Thank you.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, and welcome, ollieJ.

You aren't the first person to have an affair with a pwBPD. I recall several people on these boards who ended up doing something like that.    It has its own special pitfalls. and issues.

I've got two recommendations for you:

1. Learn about the disorder and how to more productively interact with somebody who has it. The Lessons are full of great stuff for you there.

2. Share your story here--it will help you make sense of all the crazy-making things that happen.

That's all general advice and support. Please share more of your story so we can give you something more specific for your situation.

How do you feel about your marriage?

Do you want to save it, or do you know?

Does your husband know about the affair? Does he suspect?

Are there problems in your marriage?

Do you think your husband might have BPD or some BPD traits?


You say you want to find a way out of the affair. Can you tell us more about how you feel there? These relationships are incredibly confusing and conflicted. It is easy and normal to want six different things at the same time that all conflict with each other!

Hang in there!

 GK

[ollieJ]

Hi: sorry for the delay in responding. Thank you so much for your welcoming words. Here is a bit more about my situation.

The friend of which I speak is very dear to me. We have been "joined at the hip" for over 25 years. We are each other's best friend. During those years he has had several long term tumultous relationships. He has been married and divorced twice. I am aware that those relationships involved verbal and emotional abuse. What was always perplexing was that he was  a completely different person with me. Never was he abusive or demanding of me. We were so close that people who didn't know us just assumed that we were married. The relationship was completely platonic. I never imagined being in a romantic relationship with him given all that i knew about his past relationships and the fact that we were not at all interested in each other in a romantic way.  In hindsight one could argue that we were having an emotional affair.

About 4 years ago he experienced a serious health crisis. Given that i was his best friend and have always been nurturing towards him, he relied heavily on me. At that point, his marriage had become so toxic that he did not receive the love and attention he needed at that time. One day he told me that he loved me and i told him that i loved him too. I believed he was speaking about our friendship but I soon realized that he meant so much more. He confided that he had been in love with me for at least two years before this declaration but he did not have the nerve to tell me. From that point on he relentlessly pursued me. I became the most beautiful, smartest, sexiest, and kindest person he knows. I was his "soul mate." He "adored" me. He also let me know, in so many words, that if i rejected him we could not simply go back to our friendship as it used to be and that i would be "breaking his heart."

The affair began and very quickly i saw evidence of borderline behaviour although i was not aware of it at the time. He showed all the classic signs. Unreasonable demands, hypersensitivity, gaslighting, projection, setting up no win situations, circular arguements and on and on. He would become very upset if I didnt text him enough through the day. He resented that i would chose to work vs spending time with him. He became very moody. I would never know one day to the next what i would be in store for. He also became very clingy. Always touching me. Needing to be close to me all the time.

The flip side of this was that the relationship was very intoxicating. When the relationship was good it was very very good. We had a history together, we shared common interests and above all we had fun. The sex was over the top spectacular. I could even see a life with him. We would go along good for awhile and then the shoe would drop. I didnt understand what was happening at the time but i eventually came to believe that he suffered from BPD. How was i to tell him this or should i was the question.

Several times i tried to break it off and he would go into full panic mode. He entered therapy to address his past failed relationships. I asked him one day if he thought he had an anger problem based on his interactions in past relationships and with me. He became very defensive. I thought we were getting no where but he eventually did some reading and some time later began seeing another therapist. He now accepts that he has BPD and is addressing this in therapy.

My Marriage:

The other peice of the puzzle is of course is my marriage. I have been with my husband for over 20 years. Our relationship lacks passion and always has. We have not been intimate for the past 5 years. At the core he is a kind, sentsitive and caring man. He is a wonderful father. We just have no real romantic chemistry. He does not exibit any BPD tendancies but he is an functional alcoholic. I suppose it was the perfect storm. The neglected wife, the exuberant and exciting lover.

My husband does not seem to suspect the affair which in some strange way makes me angry. I come and go as I please and he does not ask questions. What he does do on a regular basis is tell me how much he loves me and how his family is his world. He is very open with his feelings in this regard. I have always felt cherished by him but never desired.

At this point, i am looking for a way out of the affair. I am not sure what to do about my marriage but in fairness to my husband and my family we need a chance to address it.

My problem now is that my borderline friend is not prepared to let me go so easily. He is exibiting concerning behaviour of late. This behavior has caused me to feel unsafe. I have told him this but he thinks i am overreacting.

The person I knew as my friend is gone and this makes me feel very sad. I feel i need to proceed with caution and i am hoping for some advice.

Sorry for the long reply. There is so much more to say but i suppose its a start. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds like a really tough situation.

You sound like you know what you need/have to/should do, but are hoping it isn't that bad. Here's my take:

Given the state of your marriage, cheating on your H is err... .a difficult choice to accept, but I will say that I actually could make an argument how it would be the best for all involved. I won't, as it is your choice, not mine.

More importantly, I won't suggest that because of the state of your r/s with your lover. Given that he has BPD, I'd like to paint a picture of what that might look like if you continue.

First off, he is getting therapy and acknowledges that he has BPD. That is far better than many of the people who have driven their partner to these boards. It is a truly good sign. But it won't be a quick or easy fix for him! About the best case I've heard of is progress in fits and starts over a few years. (My wife is pretty close to that, 'tho she doesn't acknowledge BPD or traits; she's high functioning, and probably doesn't meet enough criteria anymore.)

So what is possible?

If you stay in a romantic r/s with him, it will continue to be volatile, like it is. In fact, it is only likely to stop being abusive if you develop good enough boundaries to stop the verbal/emotional abuse yourself. You will need to work on yourself a LOT, although I gotta say that the skills I've learned along the way have really helped me, and not just in this r/s.

If you decide to end the romantic r/s, but try to stay friends with him... .or perhaps even if you try to continue working with him, but dial back the friendship... .it won't change very much.

He will still be volatile toward you. He will probably still be verbally/emotionally abusive toward you. He will yank you back in with emotional intimacy that is more than would be appropriate even for a 26-year friendship. Probably alternating with pushing you away completely.

You will still need to work on yourself and learn all the tools for coping with a partner who has BPD... .about the same as you would if you stayed in a romantic r/s with him.

Your other option is to cut ties more severely.

I wish I could say that any of them would be easy. I can say that whichever path you take, stick around here and keep sharing your story as you go through it--this community has provided me with invaluable support!

 GK

[waverider]

A couple of things are certain.

~If you continue it will all blow up as he demands ALL of your time, your husband will be dragged in to the whole mess.

~There will no negotiated and smooth transition back to what was. pwBPD dont do gradual, there will be drama. The sky falls in, then they get over it.

~You may have to do a hard boundary cut, and that may mean cutting all ties and contact. If that means a workplace move you may have to. This may still blow up with your husband or it may not. It is a risk you have to take. Then repair whatever happens after.

Either way living in limbo and fear of what may or may not happen next will ruin you. You will have to make some hard choices, but choices lead to progress, default defeats you.

[ollieJ]

Thank you for your advice. It feels so good to know there are others who understand. I have not been able to speak with anyone of my situation until now so this feels so very validating.

I will develop a plan to disengage from my pwBD. Not sure how yet but i already have some ideas. This site has been invaluable.

My recent attempt to break up was not successful for a number of reasons. He was despondant and begged me not to let him go. He said he was making progress in counselling {which is true} and that I should not give up on him. I am in a position now, however, to set some strict boundaries. The other part of this is the need for me to seek T to address why I am doing this in the first place. Why can I not just break it off cold? I feel so much shame about the affair. I need to make sense of  things. Ultimately i need to end this. I think I am on the way.

If you could recommend anything for me to read about the disengagement process i would be ever so grateful.


Thanks again - OllieJ

[Grey Kitty]

  Getting T for yourself sounds like an excellent idea!

If you are ready to disengage from your pwBPD, we're here to help you on a plan to do that.  All the Lessons here are good, 'tho there is a lot there, and I'm not quite sure which to recommend for you right now.

Please tell more about your situation and what you are thinking of doing.

How involved are you with him at work? Can you just avoid him there, or will you need to make major changes to accomplish that?

Are you afraid of him saying something to your husband?