Shottsy85
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46
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« on: February 12, 2015, 02:22:22 PM » |
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I have been in a whirlwind roller coaster relationship with my BP boyfriend for ALMOST eight years. We have been living together for most of those years. We had a really messy breakup a week after valentine's day in 2012 that dragged everyone we knew down with the ship. He was diagnosed around then, after I was trying to pick up the pieces and make sense and backtrack even so much as going and contacting his ex fiancé' to get answers and finally hear her side of the story. Her story was so identical to mine and not at ALL how he portrayed their relationship that I knew it had to be true. During a time of "closure" (at the time, our breakup only lasted three or four months) I told him about BPD and that it was suggested he do the online questionnaire by our psychiatrist we were seeing at the time. He related to all of it, and it all made a lot of sense to him, and he actually broke down and cried, and couldn't stop apologizing to me. We have a very codependent enmeshed relationship. It has been better this time around, and I love him dearly and have stayed loyal through lots of pain and hardships dealing with a BP.
He and I are both aware of his disorder so I suppose that is at least a plus, as I am sure there are a lot of people in relationships with BPs that refuse to get help, or never admit there is something wrong. However, he goes through cycles of refusing to take responsibility for his actions, getting defensive even when I try to calmly touch on things with him and try and calm him down and get him to be aware of him being in an episode. We have not been able to find a local DBT group he can go to that is also affordable. There used to be a BPD support group that he went to and I think really helped him but it has since fallen apart.
I figured since our history is so all over the place I should probably give some back-story so future questions or issues have some context.
Before we knew what was wrong, I began to think I was truly crazy. He is very handsome, charismatic, a smooth talker, funny and people tended to gravitate towards him and really like him. However, behind closed doors he could be simply horrible. He would rage at me. There were times I would try to reason with him, and he would storm out and leave me without a word and refuse to let me know he was ok. He would also punish me and give me the silent treatment. Planned events, or simple outings that were supposed to be fun and pleasant would turn into a war. Friends at times were left to sit outside while some drama played out, that I wasn't even sure how it began. He would scream at me, blame me, and I was left just trying to either defend myself or apologize to try and get him to calm down. He would also twist situations. For instance, he had problems with his teeth so I worked extremely hard selling my artwork online to raise money for him to get a root canal. During this time I was very busy, so he began to claim that I was ignoring him, even though everything I was doing was for him. Later on he became convinced that I ignored him for a month, when to everyone else they would tell me to stop focusing so much on him.
He had trouble keeping jobs, and was always bouncing from job to job. It took me a while to see what the issue was, because it always sounded like awww poor you. That is awful etc. etc. The common denominator was my boyfriend and he didn't have clear boundaries, and as soon as someone upset him or rubbed him the wrong way at a job he would confront it, or say the wrong thing and get himself fired.
We struggled a lot and I built up resentments feeling like I had to be the man in the relationship and support us, when I went to art college and wanted to pursue my art. I even stopped drawing for a whole year and became bitter and miserable. Eventually my boyfriend was given a great opportunity to be a manager at a gold buying kiosk. It was HIS store. I remember when he surprised me and showed me the store, and how proud he was. I was proud of him too, however soon I could see his carefree upswings were becoming fewer and farther between his bad moods. He would be stressed, would work hard to get out of debt, and claimed he wanted to be the boyfriend I deserved. We never started the relationship off on the right foot the way most people do. He sort of just sprung himself on me in some whirlwind drama and moved in before he even admitted we were an exclusive couple. He never did the whole "dating" thing taking me out and treating me the way I deserved. He brought this up, and said that it wasn't fair to me, and with us struggling, he thought maybe he could finally get his own place, and be the boyfriend I deserve and then after he gets himself together, we can get a place together.
I didn't want him to move out, I loved him and wanted us to make it work together, but him driving over to take me on a date, and having some space did sound appealing, so I agreed. It started out feeling like a breakup and it pretty much was, but we were still addicted to each other. He didn't help me pack up the apartment he had lived in with me for four years at all. I was left with all the cleaning and I was angry, and felt hurt and betrayed. However, I knew he still was in love with me because he flipped out over the possibility of me throwing away a melted spatula that was a funny joke and experience we had had together.
I eventually convinced him to try couples counseling with me, but he used our first session to break up with me officially. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no, but I had a feeling at the time he was lying.
It turned out I was right. We were already struggling and trying to work through our relationship and this girl that worked at the store next to his kiosk who was in also in a relationship weaseled her way in between us. There was nothing I could do, and he eventually left where he had been living after sabotaging a friendship for both of us that was a mutual friend, and moved in with her and her boyfriend/fiancé who apparently was ok with her also sleeping with my boyfriend. It was all very unhealthy and messed up. I was heartbroken, but was trapped in this unhealthy relationship with my now ex because we really did love each other. He continued to come over, we kept saying, "one more thing" or we will just celebrate your birthday and then no contact.
FINALLY with the help of my therapist we officially separated and stopped contact. I began to become interested in someone else, and that is when my BP ex had a true meltdown. He began to try and work on his BPD he realized he was miserable and wanted me back, and did everything he could to get back in contact with me, to which I refused. He made amends with a lot of the people he had wronged including my brother, and they began to hang out. My brother told me how different he seemed, he started taking medication, he began to take care of himself more, and then he would compliment me and tell me how he is going to do whatever it takes to be the man I deserve and that he just wants me back. Basically the whole "pedestal" thing. I continued to ignore him, until the incompetent idiot girl that came between us actually contacted me about not knowing what to do, as my BP boyfriend was acting suicidal because he saw no hope and I was not going to give that to him. I knew it was for attention and was tempted to tell off the girl and let her know she had no idea what she was getting into and she made her bed and had to lie in it, but I still loved my boyfriend, so I joined forces with the enemy and got him into a hospital. There he really got healthier, and I visited him every couple of days. When he was released he didn't want to go back to that environment with her and her boyfriend, but was still on the lease so he paid rent there, and stayed with me. Once again things weren't really done the "right" way. This time I was the one refusing to say we were back together. He convinced me he did want to be with me, and wanted to be married in the near future so eventually we recommitted and reconfirmed our relationship.
Three years later things are a LOT better than they were pre-breakup. I have read a lot and learned a lot about how to handle things when he is having an episode, but he still has not committed to marriage with me. He regressed back to old behaviors a lot more. He has struggled with picking back up smoking, and then trying to quit and lashing out. Last year around this time we moved to our current apartment as a "trial" to see if we could live together etc. He wound up needing to be hospitalized after he flipped out behind the wheel when someone cut him off chasing the guy down, swerving and cutting off other cars, putting us both at risk. I begged him to just let me out of the car, I didn't care if I was just stranded I just wanted out, but he wouldn't stop. I called the hospital, and I knew then that things would be ok, because he texted me saying he just couldn't stop and he thought perhaps he needed to go to the hospital. I responded with, "good, I already called." I told him how afraid I was he wouldn't forgive me, but I just didn't care I just wanted us both safe, and he laughed and told me, "I only fight about stupid pointless things."
I love this man, but I am constantly stressed and worried. I need support. We are in the process of another huge life change. We are moving again, and now have a new roommate. My best friend, who is going through a divorce and just moved in with us. I am doing a good job keeping things pretty calm, but my boyfriend has been having more frequent episodes.
He is seeing a private therapist, but out of the hospital he was only diagnosed with depression when he went through the free program, so they are working to get him the proper diagnosis. I am hoping that helps to get him on the right meds. I am committed to this man, and want to stay and hope for marriage, but it is quite a struggle. I am so glad I found this group and hope perhaps my story helps others who can relate, and that I can maybe get some support as well.
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