daughters behavior

[Eco]

What age should I start asking my daughter (who turns 2 next month) if mommy does this or that to her. Example. . Does mommy tell you that it's wrong to love daddy?

My ex is trying hard to alienate me from my daughter and my daughter is acting different lately. She has gone from happy go lucky and very social to depressed and withdrawn from people.  She is still happy to see me but gets very clingy around people now. She is starting to  look like my exes other 2 kids which is very unhappy. Her oldest has issues speaking to adults directly with very little eye contact. I'm very upset to have to sit back and hope the court's help get my daughter out of that he'll she's in

Today she seemed very reluctant to play with me like she normally does. My ex has made statements before when my daughter gave a hug and kiss goodbye " you know she's not your girlfriend" my ex has a very sick and twisted mind. I think she makes my daughter feel that it's wrong to love daddy. The other night when I called and talked to my daughter she was whispering to me because my ex was in the room with her. Sad stuff

[Turkish]

How much time do you have with your daughter, Eco?

Sad to say, and I might be going out on a limb here, but when I hear stuff like that, I think that the other parent is projecting their own pain from past sexual abuse.

Before our r/s broke down, my Ex once told me, "why are you kissing D1's ear? You shouldn't do that!" I was making kissy noises on her ear, though her hair.

When I told my dBPD mom (herself a survivor of horrible sexual abuse from her father) that the kids were sleeping with me after their mom left, she asked, "do you sleep naked with them?" Uh, no. I sleep in shorts or bottom sweats year round.

I've largely gotten them out of co sleeping, though D2 still wanders into my room in the AM, but she does the same at her mom's house, I learned.

Whether she's projecting past abuse, or if it's PA based upon attachment and perhaps jealousy may be hard to determine. How old is your daughter exactly? There's a lot of cogntive development at that age, and it might be worthwhile to ask your daughter (in an age appropriate manner) how she feels, or what's going on.

[Eco]

I get her every Thursday for 2 hrs and every other weekend from fri to Sunday night. She will be 2 next month

[rarsweet]

Asking those kinds of questions can be parental alienation in itself, or be considered coaching in my opinion. I would suggest you go to a play group or a support group for dads and kids. Have other people see the behavior  she exhibits. Get into counseling yourself and that will help guide you.

[Eco]

Just curious how asking those kind of questions would be parental alienation?  Coaching I could see but I don't see PA. My intention is neither. Thanks for your input though

[rarsweet]

I know it's tough, its like this fine line we have to walk, even though they jump up and down on the line all the time. She could interpret your questions as interrogating the child. I would suggest open ended questions like why are you upset, not direct the questions in regards to her mother. And have witnesses, if you went to court and said child told me this, you will get nowhere. Small children also aren't very articulate, a counselor, etc can help.

[rarsweet]

These people have an uncanny nack for twisting around our intentions. You just want to cuddle your baby and they can twist it into god knows what. I know it sucks. And Turkish is probably right, she is projecting. With that in mind I would get in public with the child as much as possible. Get people who can bbe witnesses as to how your behavior isn't inappropriate. 

[scraps66]

If you haven't already, read Divorce Poison.  It tells of the different forms of alienation, how it's done, the sings, etc., and how you can react to limit the impact.  Asking direct questions about what goes on at moms house, that's a no no.  Perhaps the most important things are maintaining contact, and including telephone contact, to reassure your daughter you are not going anywhere despite what mother may be instilling in her.

I have similar sings with my S10 who can appear dejected and listless around me.  Doesn't persue his hobbies while at my house and finds reason not to do what he likes.  Of late I have had him open up a bit about mother's behavior and the fact that she invalidates him by not listening to what he wants to do as far as activites go.  To the point he is feeling obligated to do what mother wants him to do, rather than what he wants to do.  To a degree this is just parenting, but mother takes it a little far.

[Eco]

thanks everyone for the info and input, it is hard and I intend to get a councilor involved with me and my daughter. it will have to be court ordered because ex will fight me on it because she doesn't want her craziness exposed. her oldest daughter needs counseling desperately

but ex refuses to get her in it for the same reason.

as far as the public seeing my daughter and me together, I take my daughter every Thursday to a kids jumpy zone for the past year and a half and the staff has watched my daughter go from crawling to running and playing. they can see what kind of dad I am and have complimented me on it.

the daycare also sees how I am with my daughter and they also see how my ex treats me 

[livednlearned]

Has your ex made any allegations about child abuse with the dads of her other kids?

It could be that your D is experiencing stress from having a BPD mother. My guess is that the household is stressful with that many kids and a mother who does not have good emotional coping skills and self-awareness.

We have an article on the site about signs of stress in kids:

Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I.   INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A.   Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills

B.   Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)

C.   Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess

D.   General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.

Do any of those items seem to apply to D2?

I agree with rarsweet that you probably don't want to put D2 in the middle so directly. It could sound like you are more concerned about your feelings (what does mommy say about me?). Kids with BPD parents learn early that there are different rules going on, and you may walk into some of that if you aren't careful to focus on D's feelings, for her sake. ":)2 you seem sad. Are you sad about something? Am I making you feel sad?"

If she is conflicted about your role in her life (feel one way with dad/mom says he is bad) she may demonstrate it through dolls and stuffed animals where she is role-playing the narrative running through her head.

[bravhart1]

Yes, kids tell a lot about what's going on with them when they play. SD6 goes to therapy and her therapist says that every time she plays with the mommy doll and the bravhart doll that the mommy doll attacks and becomes violent to the bravhart doll.

When she asks her why she says because mommy hates bravhart. When she asks her why bravhart never attacks mommy or fights back she says because bravhart loves SD6 too much to make her sad by being mean to mommy. :'(

[Eco]

Has your ex made any allegations about child abuse with the dads of her other kids?

no she treats both of the other dads totally different then me, I think it may have to do with the way I allowed her to abuse me when we were together. its my side of the dysfunction we had together, I think by allowing her to run me over it gave someone with that kind of PD open season on me to take everything out on me and when I put boundaries up and took her to court she felt betrayed in a twisted way. dad #1 she was married to for less then a yr and she got violent with him and he took her to court but that was over 7 yrs ago so she isn't as angry at him anymore. dad #2 was a one night stand so they never had a RS.

the thing that bothers me is that she will do birthdays parties and such with the other dads, my daughter will see how its different for her dad vs the other dads and I don't want her to feel like its her fault or something like that. the only reason I wanted to ask my daughter questions is I want her to feel like its ok to love daddy no matter what mommy says

Quote

Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I.   INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A.   Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills

B.   Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)

C.   Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess

D.   General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.


Do any of those items seem to apply to D2?

I agree with rarsweet that you probably don't want to put D2 in the middle so directly. It could sound like you are more concerned about your feelings (what does mommy say about me?). Kids with BPD parents learn early that there are different rules going on, and you may walk into some of that if you aren't careful to focus on D's feelings, for her sake. ":)2 you seem sad. Are you sad about something? Am I making you feel sad?"

 

just the sleeping part and she is clingy with me a lot.

I do feel that I was more focused on me and being selfish with feeling that my ex is making my daughter feel bad for loving daddy,i should be more focused on how that is affecting my daughter not me. I just don't know what to do about it.

thanks everyone for the support

It could be that your D is experiencing stress from having a BPD mother. My guess is that the household is stressful with that many kids and a mother who does not have good emotional coping skills and self-awareness

im pretty sure that is whats going on, it was pure chaos at my exes house before my daughter came along so I can imagine what level of chaos it is now. and my ex doesn't cope well at all, everything has to be just right or mr hyde comes out for a while. explosive describes her well