Afraid of feeling weak or vulnerable and a stupid mistake

[justnothing]

The other day, in therapy, the subjects of CBT and EMDR came up. This isn’t the first time my therapist has brought the two of them up and I get the feeling she’s eager (or maybe even impatient?) for me to try something other than the traditional talk therapy.

It’s not that she doesn’t think I’m making progress with traditional talk therapy, it’s that she says it’ll take me many, many years to really get to where I’d like to get to and I’m “not getting any younger”.

We’ve tried, one time, not long ago, to spend one session prepping for EMDR but I didn’t really like the technique and rather than helping me feel calmer it made me even more uncomfortable. My therapist told me that I “don’t like to feel”.

Other than the EMDR, she suggested I try CBT(ish) exercises at home. I had a bf not long ago but about a month or so ago he told me it wasn’t working out because of the physical distance (a 3 hour drive each way) put together with the fact that neither of us ever had time for each other. So… now she wants me to go out and start hitting on guys and get into a new relationship whether I feel ready for one or not. I imagined myself doing that and realized… and told her… that I just can’t bring myself to do that.

It was a pretty humiliating experience having to admit to my therapist that I don’t feel strong enough to do these “simple” tasks.

She brought up a goal I set for myself not long ago that during the year of 2015 I want to force myself to go out of town to participate in some fun event at least 5 times a year (normally I avoid leaving the house as much as I can except for work, grocery shopping or errands). She said that “that’s a very brave decision by your standards… but realistically 5 times a year is barely a drop in the bucket”.

So I left therapy feeling like a total loser. For a long time I’d thought of myself as a fairly strong patient in the sense of not being afraid of examining my issues… but this past session brought to light all the things that I’m either too weak or too afraid of doing. To be specific, I’m too weak for the CBT and too afraid of the EMDR.

I had asked her if I could just do the EMDR without the prep sessions and she said “that would be like setting your house on fire without giving you the means to put the fire out”.

So… when I got home… bruised ego and all… I tried looking up information on EMDR online and figured maybe I could practice prepping for it at home, by myself (I had a sense that I’d feel more comfortable doing it alone than with her) and at one point I came across some video on youtube that enabled the viewer to do the EMDR exercise itself…

I hadn’t done any proper prepping for it and I knew that you’re supposed to prep for it for several sessions first, with a trained professional and all… but at that moment I wanted to know “how bad could it be?” and, to some extent, also “prove” that I “wasn’t some weakling” and that I could do this “with or without preparation”. So I did the exercise and rather than go for some lesser trauma I went straight for the jugular and tried to focus on the worst trauma I could think of… and a few seconds later it hit me. It only lasted for a split second because a split second was all it took for me to cry out, recoil and hurriedly close the window with the video. After that it took me several hours to calm down. So… so much for “proving” that I can handle it…

After that, I gave some more thought to the sessions meant to prepare you for EMDR (now that I have a new appreciation for their importance) and it occurred to me that one of the reasons I don’t feel comfortable going over it with my therapist… is that I don’t really trust her all that much. I don’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable in front of her for one thing and I don’t really trust her to be able to help pull me out of a re-traumatic state either (she’s only just gotten the EMDR training recently).

All that being said, I really don’t like the idea of passing up an opportunity to get better faster… so I’m not sure what course of action to take… I guess you could say that I’m torn between the fear of being weak and the fear of being vulnerable… any suggestions?

[jhkbuzz]

Yes. Consider looking for another therapist.

The issue of trust in therapy is HUGE.  If you don't trust your therapist you won't make progress.

I am seeing a therapist who specializes in EMDR.  I am about 6 months post b/u and we've done nothing but talk and process the trauma of the breakup with my exBPDgf.  I have mentioned an interest in EMDR but she is in no hurry... .I wonder why your therapist is.

As for doing new things... .in some ways I think your therapist is right - if things are going to change for you you have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone and try something different.  But having said that, I think the scale and pace of the change has to be something you're comfortable with.  To give an example, I am currently open to dating but not to a full blown r/s.  I'm not ready for a r/s yet, but dinner?  Drinks? Movies?  Sure!  Even though it's a little nerve wracking to date right now, I'm still pushing myself - at the same time I'm recognizing where I'm at, and my unwillingness (at this point) to become deeply involved with anyone.

It's all about recognizing the boundaries I'm comfortable with right now.

[maxen]

hi justnothing. i have to say, from what you've presented, that i don't like the sound of what your T is saying. i don't want to stereotype - i've had two Ts since my marriage exploded and both have been very good, not perfect, but very good - but Ts have a worldview too, and it's often a sort of fetishization of having-feelings. i had one therapist some years ago suggest that i was autistic because i was disgorging as hard as i knew how but it wasn't enough for him. nobody knows themselves entirely but you know yourself better than anyone else does. i've had to contradict my Ts a few times when they presumed to know better.

We’ve tried, one time, not long ago, to spend one session prepping for EMDR but I didn’t really like the technique and rather than helping me feel calmer it made me even more uncomfortable. My therapist told me that I “don’t like to feel”.

as a professional she should be ready to try other techniques instead of passing comments.  

So… now she wants me to go out and start hitting on guys and get into a new relationship whether I feel ready for one or not. I imagined myself doing that and realized… and told her… that I just can’t bring myself to do that.

It was a pretty humiliating experience having to admit to my therapist that I don’t feel strong enough to do these “simple” tasks.

what's 'simple' (or even desirable) about hitting on guys? (did she actually use that phrase?) why would you get into a r/s if you're not ready? doing things in their right time is not 'weakness.' rather, doing things at the wrong time is rashness.

So I left therapy feeling like a total loser.

that's the opposite of what you should feel.

why do you think you're concerned with the appearance of weakness? is this some thing you've felt outside the therapist's office?

[justnothing]

Thanks for the replies. I don’t really have the option to switch therapists because this one is government paid… but in any case I’ve been with her for several years now. Normally I don’t have much of a problem putting my foot down with her and being clear on what I want and how I want things to go… but this feels a little different because I’m generally prone to thinking that I “ought to try harder” and push myself as much as I can etc’… but when it comes to getting into relationships and all that it’s a whole other ballpark…

It’s possible that she puts a lot of pressure on me because my inability to get close to anyone is pretty extreme and maybe she’s getting impatient with me or something. There were times in which I tried hitting on guys mainly because I knew it would make her happy.

Tbh what I mainly wanted to talk about with her last session were some of the reasons why I have difficulty with closeness and ways of dealing with them but it seems that whenever I mention relationships her first reaction is “instead of talking about it why not go out and get one so we can see how it goes?” and when I tell her that I don’t feel ready yet she tells me that I’m running out of time (I’m 30, about to turn 31 next month) and it’ll take me too many years to be ready.

I am seeing a therapist who specializes in EMDR.  I am about 6 months post b/u and we've done nothing but talk and process the trauma of the breakup with my exBPDgf.  I have mentioned an interest in EMDR but she is in no hurry... .I wonder why your therapist is.

That’s good to know and encouraging in a way. It hadn’t even occurred to me until now that I’m not required to take a head dive into EMDR… I’m not really sure if my therapist is in a hurry or not. The first time she mentioned it she said she wasn’t sure if it was at all suitable for me but after she underwent a seminar about it she seemed to change her mind.

what's 'simple' (or even desirable) about hitting on guys? (did she actually use that phrase?) why would you get into a r/s if you're not ready? doing things in their right time is not 'weakness.' rather, doing things at the wrong time is rashness.

hehe, well to be fair she didn’t actually use the phrase and for all I know maybe I’m wrong in thinking that that’s what she meant… but I’m pretty sure it is. She told me in the past, several times, that she wants me to try getting into a relationship so I can try working on my relationship issues while I’m already in one… The funny thing is, I recently was in a relationship and during that time there was nothing TO work on because no problems came up other than the physical distance and lack of time and energy on both our parts to invest into it. As of right now I still don’t feel like I have the time, energy or inclination during my work week to go out of my way to go to clubs or whatever it is she wants me to do… and to be quite frank, even if I were living with someone right now I still wouldn’t have the time, energy or inclination to want to spend time with him.

why do you think you're concerned with the appearance of weakness? is this some thing you've felt outside the therapist's office?

Yeah, it’s always been a thing with me. I always wanted to be strong enough both for my mother’s sake and for my own pretty much from the time I was in kindergarten. I think it might have to do with the role reversal.