New. Please help.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I am the father of S7 and D3.  My PD wife very unexpectedly filed for divorce and moved out seven months ago.  The judge ordered shared equal custody.  Between her venomous anger, years of belittling/disparagement/withdraw of affection and sudden departure, I am at such a loss and find myself pining for someone that was so toxic to me.  (And blames me for everything.)  I am hurting so much and find the thought of parenting with her post divorce to be very painful and sad.   I am looking for help on how to accept this, take care of myself and deal with her while we raise the children in two households.

Thank you in advance.

Their Dad

[Their Dad]

Hello,

I am the father of S7 and D3.  My PD wife very unexpectedly filed for divorce and moved out seven months ago.  The judge ordered shared equal custody.  Between her venomous anger, years of belittling/disparagement/withdraw of affection and sudden departure, I am at such a loss and find myself pining for someone that was so toxic to me.  (And blames me for everything.)  I am hurting so much and find the thought of parenting with her post divorce to be very painful and sad.   I am looking for help on how to accept this, take care of myself and deal with her while we raise the children in two households.

Thank you in advance.

Their Dad

[Turkish]

Their Dad,

I'm sorry that your wife so cruelly abandoned you like that. This board is certainly the place to work through issues regarding the "why s" and how to understand how to detach emotionally. As tough as it is, you're going to be in some form of relationship with her for a long time. I saw that you posted to the legal board. Are there any custody issues that still linger, or is the joint custody pretty much it for now.

Regarding the parenting specifically, I invite you to join the co-parenting board, as that is the place to work through how you are going to parent with her, and we also can provide support on how to protect your children through this. My kids' mom left a year ago, but with S5 and D2, I have a long haul ahead of me 

I don't deal with issues of parental alienation like many hear, but still deal with other things for which I've found help there.

Co-parenting after the Split

How old are your kids, and how are they dealing with this? More importantly, how are you taking care of yourself?

I think of us non-PD'd parents as the Rescuers of our children, and the first rule of First Responders is keep yourself safe first. The good thing, though it might be hard to grasp now, s that your children have a very good chance of leading better lives with you as a parent, the one healthy parent. It counts a lot more than the 50% time you have with them. I look forward to hearing more on how best we can support you, Their Dad.



Turkish

[Targeted]

The children!   They are first now!  I'm divorced and co parenting is no picnic, there is alot of work to do so prioritise, keep us informed and we will help the best we can! Adult matters are important but adult matters obviously effect the children, that's why they become this way! and that's basicly why we are all here.  Let's try to not let it effect the first and foremost!   Your kids!  Than we can work on the rest!

[Their Dad]

Thanks for your response. 

There are pending custody issues as what we have now are temporary orders.  I understand that they typically become permanent.

I have been taking care of myself with a therapist, attending single parent groups, joining a book club and trying to keep especially busy when the children at with their mother.  I thinkni am through the molecule crushing grief and have moved on to sadness and anger.  The grief returns from time to time. (Usually after trying to reason with her on the phone.)

As for the children, S7 has been acting up in school and making comments about wishes mommy and daddy were still together.  The littler one is clearly confused and hurting as it reads all over her face especially at bed time. It is as if she is processing with lots of confusion and hurt.

I wished there was something I could do to turn this around but realize this is likely the best option given the circumstances.

Thank you.

[Turkish]

Sadly, what your S7 said is something we have to deal with, but it's normal. It's important to validate our children's feelings, though.

Though my Ex has been gone a year, she tried from the beginning to keep us pretending that we were still "together" I think so she wouldn't have to deal with the fall out from the kids, despite introducing them to her affair partner right away after she moved out, and it did cause problems. I erected boundaries, still detaching (and still, a little), and minimized opportunities when she wanted to go out "for the kids" but it was really about her.

Last night, S5 said, "this is mommy's house." I said no, it's my house, Mommy moved out. He said, "Mommy said she moved out because it was messy." I said that everyone who lives in a house has a responsibility to keep it clean (I didn't tell her about her cleaning rampages often Saturday mornings, nor that we had a housekeeper come once a month and do a deep clean). I told him the truth, finally: " Mommy moved out because Mommy and Daddy didn't love each other anymore." He replied, "but Mommies and Daddies belong together." (He's been trying fir a year to have me at her place and vice versa.). I said, "I know buddy, but sometimes things happen." That seemed to satisfy him for now.

Did it piss me off that she both lied to him, and told him something so inane? Yes. I think I validated him, however, and told him the truth, finally, and age appropriately.

[Perfidy]

Half of the country is raising the other half's kids. Facts of life can't be disputed. It's hard, no doubt. Reassurance that everything is ok. Everything has been ok. Everything will always be ok. Sometimes we just don't like it.

[enlighten me]

Hi Their dad

As a parent with three sons from two uBPD exs I have a bit of experience.

My advice is be consistent.

Never lie to the kids but if its an adult theme then tell them its not appropriate to discuss at the moment. By this I mean if they ask about mums behaviour or other things to do with parenting.

Never bad mouth their mum in front of them.

When sorting out time with the kids have it done by email or text. My exs back down if they have agreed in writing but may argue if it was a verbal agreement.

It takes time but you have to play the long game. By being consistent you will gain the respect of your kids. Yes you will face the ex bribing the kids or promising them things but the kids will see through this. Especially when promises are failed to be kept.

My eldest love staying with me. They never want to go back. Theyre confussed by their mums behavior at times.

Theres rough times ahead but its more than made up for by the fun times you can have without your ex spoiling things.