Rough Night

[mrwigand]

I've recently broken up with a 24 year old diagnosed BPD woman. I don't blame her for anything. She did things the only way she knew how, and I wish her the best. We ended things on good terms, and we've tried to maintain a friendship. I'm not saying that it's either possible or not possible for me to be friends with her, but tonight I am crying my eyes out.

We hung out for one of the first times since the breakup was finalized, and it largely went okay, except for one big thing: she wouldn't stop texting her ex. The biggest problem in our relationship was always the relationship she had with her ex. She described him as emotionally, verbally, and even physically abusive. They seemed to have a toxic, co-dependent relationship. Despite how miserable he apparently made her, she still couldn't quite shake the relationship. She would often say things like "he knows me better than anyone", and "he will always be apart of my life". I'm not making any judgments on this. She can choose who she wants in her life and not, but it did cause problems because he actively wanted me out of the picture and was clearly trying to maintain their relationship in some capacity.

Even after her and her ex were caught shoplifting together and arrested (and I stayed with her and supported her), she maintained fairly constant communication with him). When we were together I asked her not to to text him in front of me, and that let to our first break up.

Now that we are broken up, I don't think she owes me anything in terms of not texting someone because it makes me uncomfortable. We're not in a relationship anymore, so I think that's her decision to make. I honestly don't feel angry. I just feel hurt. I feel like it's a reminder of where I always stood in the relationship. That as much as she cared about me, she didn't quite care about me enough to not pit me against an ex. And I don't mean that to demonize her. I think she cared about me tremendously, but there were certain things she couldn't get past, her relationship with her ex being one of them. That's why it hurts. I truthfully think she cared about me, but she still has unfinished business with someone else in some respect. And hurts to know that when I loved her so much.

[Perfidy]

She isn't yours, she isn't his, she isn't even hers. As it is now, so shall it ever be, and always has been. This is nature.

[Infared]

I've recently broken up with a 24 year old diagnosed BPD woman. I don't blame her for anything. She did things the only way she knew how, and I wish her the best. We ended things on good terms, and we've tried to maintain a friendship. I'm not saying that it's either possible or not possible for me to be friends with her, but tonight I am crying my eyes out.

We hung out for one of the first times since the breakup was finalized, and it largely went okay, except for one big thing: she wouldn't stop texting her ex. The biggest problem in our relationship was always the relationship she had with her ex. She described him as emotionally, verbally, and even physically abusive. They seemed to have a toxic, co-dependent relationship. Despite how miserable he apparently made her, she still couldn't quite shake the relationship. She would often say things like "he knows me better than anyone", and "he will always be apart of my life". I'm not making any judgments on this. She can choose who she wants in her life and not, but it did cause problems because he actively wanted me out of the picture and was clearly trying to maintain their relationship in some capacity.

Even after her and her ex were caught shoplifting together and arrested (and I stayed with her and supported her), she maintained fairly constant communication with him). When we were together I asked her not to to text him in front of me, and that let to our first break up.

Now that we are broken up, I don't think she owes me anything in terms of not texting someone because it makes me uncomfortable. We're not in a relationship anymore, so I think that's her decision to make. I honestly don't feel angry. I just feel hurt. I feel like it's a reminder of where I always stood in the relationship. That as much as she cared about me, she didn't quite care about me enough to not pit me against an ex. And I don't mean that to demonize her. I think she cared about me tremendously, but there were certain things she couldn't get past, her relationship with her ex being one of them. That's why it hurts. I truthfully think she cared about me, but she still has unfinished business with someone else in some respect. And hurts to know that when I loved her so much.

Keep crying... .and keep saving you. No one... not you, not me deserves that insanity. I make no excuses for my ex any more ... .she was and is a total self-centered whack job. ... .in a word: toxic.

I may mourn the loss for the rest of my life... .but everyday I force myself to see it for what it truly was. Harmful to the good, descent person that I am. Not one second of my presence will she ever be graced with again during my time on this planet. Not one.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm not saying that it's either possible or not possible for me to be friends with her, but tonight I am crying my eyes out.

I think you now know the answer to that ^. Do you typically end up in tears after a night out with friends?

We hung out for one of the first times since the breakup was finalized, and it largely went okay, except for one big thing: she wouldn't stop texting her ex. The biggest problem in our relationship was always the relationship she had with her ex... .I just feel hurt. I feel like it's a reminder of where I always stood in the relationship. That as much as she cared about me, she didn't quite care about me enough... .

Yes.  As awful as this ^ is, it is the truth and you are seeing it clearly.

I truthfully think she cared about me, but she still has unfinished business with someone else in some respect. And hurts to know that when I loved her so much.

This too ^.  The question is, why are you voluntarily reopening your wounds by spending time with her? You know what you want - her.  You know what she wants - her ex. How could watching her interact with her ex help you heal? How could this situation be anything BUT endlessly painful for you?

You are a reasonable, kind, and clear-thinking man. But you are hurting yourself by hanging onto someone who does not have the same level of commitment to you as you do to her.

I KNOW that we all let go when we are ready to let go.  But I think it's time for you to try to make that decision. The wound will not heal if you keep tugging at it.

Think about n/c. You won't take your life back until you do.

And you should because there are women out there who would actually appreciate the kind of man you are.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Please try not to personalize her behavior. That has nothing to do with you. It seems she is completely enmeshed with another human being and thankfully it's not you. She is not emotionally available even to him and he has no clue.

[hope2727]

My ex couldn't believe I wouldn't be friends with him. He cried his eyes out asking me how it was I wasn't going to stand by him through the worst heart ache of his life. That would be him walking out on me of course. Ridiculous I know. Here is what I told him. Perhaps it will help you.

"My friends don't lie to me, cheat on me, abuse me, break promises to me, rage at me, storm out on me in discussions, abandon me, curse at me, bait me ... .shall I go on?"

We aren't friends. Never will be. He was the love of my life. Now he is the love of someone else's life. He will NEVER be my friend.

You are worthy and deserving of healthy respectful reciprocal friendships. Settle for nothing else.

Meanwhile cry, swear, stomp your feet... .do whatever you need to get out the hurt and anger. No one should be treated the way you were.

hugs 

[Infared]

My ex couldn't believe I wouldn't be friends with him. He cried his eyes out asking me how it was I wasn't going to stand by him through the worst heart ache of his life. That would be him walking out on me of course. Ridiculous I know. Here is what I told him. Perhaps it will help you.

"My friends don't lie to me, cheat on me, abuse me, break promises to me, rage at me, storm out on me in discussions, abandon me, curse at me, bait me ... .shall I go on?"

We aren't friends. Never will be. He was the love of my life. Now he is the love of someone else's life. He will NEVER be my friend.

You are worthy and deserving of healthy respectful reciprocal friendships. Settle for nothing else.

Meanwhile cry, swear, stomp your feet... .do whatever you need to get out the hurt and anger. No one should be treated the way you were.

hugs 

+100

[mrwigand]

I just wanted to thank everyone for the responses. I'm certainly feeling better in the light of day. Last night was rough, but like I said I don't blame her. She's doing what she thinks is right for her, and now it's time for me to do what's right for me.