Whatever action or behaviour your exBPD shows to you: don't take it too personal

[misty_red]

I think many pwBPD know at least in some way how to make us stick around and detain us from detaching. Not necessarily consciously but I think they somehow know. And that’s the reason they stick around in some very covert capacity, only overt enough for you to still be attached to them. I also feel like that some really like you not being able to detach even though they don’t want to reconcile with you. There’s been lots of topics about that on here and I experienced it with my exBPDgf. When she left our sports team she still remained in our WhatsApp-group-chat even though she hated the team deeply by that time. It took her four months to finally let go of the group and leave. She also showed up at matches to let me know she’s still around. I always asked myself for what purpose she did all of this because she obviously didn’t want to reconcile. I also think they do it for theirselves because in some weird way they also don’t want to let go of us.

This Thursday I went out partying with the team at carnival. Last year the exact same time I got together with my exBPDgf when we were out partying on our own and not with the team at carnival. This year they send some pictures of us at carnival in the the group and just right after she saw them she left the group. A friend of mine told me that maybe she just couldn’t see me having fun with others and that this was a trigger for her – could be, she hasn’t seen me in a very long time. It took her four months to leave the team. Why? This is just so weird. It made me come to the realization that they don’t want to let go as well and that staying or showing up in a covert way is their way of still keeping up the attachment without actually giving the other the validation that they don’t want to let go.

Now that she left I’m sad of course, I guess I’ll never see her again but I also feel like I am able to detach fully now. There are no strings attached anymore, no weird bond through a third party or something. Now there are only memories left.

Have you made some similar experiences? I always feel like they want to show us badly and desperately how indifferent they are towards us and do things like smearing campaigns, or showing up and ignoring us like we are dead to them when in truth we aren’t dead to them at all. If people go all-out, if they’re going all out of their ways to show how much they don’t care they actually do care very much. They just don’t like that fact and want to prove to us but mostly to theirselves that they don’t care anymore. This happens in ignoring us, treating us badly or with triangulation. I see it all now. I don’t want to generalize but my exBPDgf was like that. And this is the thing: most of the time it isn’t about ourselves. I don’t want to justify their behaviour. Not at all. But I‘ve come to the relization that when they smear us, when they are treating us badly it more has to do with them than with us. That’s why may say with BPDs you shouldn’t take it personal, it doesn’t have to do with our personality at all, it’s about their personality. When they smear it isn’t because you’re actually all evil and bad, it is because they want to make theirselves believe that we are and in hurting us they think „Well, if I’m able to hurt them they really must be evil and bad because I’d never hurt a good person.“ Do you understand what I mean? It’s about the way they still feel about us but don’t want to feel. So they try to convince theirselves that we are evil. To cope with the feelings they feel.

In some degree this is normal behaviour. If something doesn’t go right and you are sad you try to soothe yourself in saying things like „Oh, it would have been a bad idea anyway.“ or if an object gets broken you say things like „Ok, it wasn’t that good anyway.“ We try to get along with such situations in assuring us that everything is fine to protect us from grief or pain or whatever.

I also think I do get the „Out of sight, out of mind.“-line now. If there’s still an attachment in some way they won’t forget you I think. Bein covertly attached to someone (like stalking on the internet and stuff) helps them on the one side to still be attached but on the other to control this attachment. But when they are confronted with you it’s too much for them and they might want to reconcile. When they don’t see you I guess they are fine and cann assure themselves that you are evild and ba but if they have to see you it’s just too much 'cause then they might see your good traits and how nice you are and then they get confused and mixed up all again. I guess this is the reason why my exBPDgf left the team just right after she saw pics of me having lots of fun on the day I hated last year and got together with her.

As I said before, I don’t want to generalize but I’ve know some BPDs and I often saw these similar traits and behaviours. I also talked with them about it.

I know it hurts so much when someone you believed to be your soulmate (we often feel like that with BPDs) is treating you that way. But it's not about us, the things we did or didn't do, the things we are or aren't. They want to assure theirselves that we were a bad choice in the beginning so they can let go of us. It's all about them. I guess it has a lot to do with narcissistic injury. Ego gets hurt and then you try to convince yourself that the other person was a bad choice for you anyway, that you were to good for them or whatever. I guess that many BPDs feel that way. I know people are different, still I think this is a core trait/behaviour.

[Ripped Heart]

My exN/BPDw slapped with divorce papers one night, I know replacement was lined up and I believe she didn't want to carry the guilt of cheating (irony there somewhere)

However, her closing speech was that we were getting divorced because we love each other and at some point in the future we can get remarried and live happily ever after 

That was 3 years ago and I've been NC from the moment I stepped out of the house. It hasn't stopped her trying to find reasons to contact me and at one point, as quick as I was blocking her off, she was appearing somewhere else and trying to make contact. I know she misjudged the replacement because I don't think he actually saw her in the same light as she saw him so that must have been a surprise to her and what maybe triggered her desperately trying to get back in contact.

Only a few weeks ago she reached out to my sister for contact details "in case of an emergency" and today was a little worrying because my youngest daughters (d10 and d4) asked me about her children because it sounds like she has used the fake profiles she set up to befriend my daughters in hopes of covertly spying. D14, won't have anything to do with her so she's trying to find a way back into my life through my children.

The part that always concerned me was the look in her eyes when she handed me divorce papers. Things had been up and down as any N/BPD r/s is but in the weeks leading up to it, everything had been peaceful. I do believe somewhere in her disordered thought processes, she was entirely convinced that at some point we would end up back together and getting remarried. Her longest r/s prior to me was apparently 9 years but when probed a little deeper it wasn't a continuous 9 years, it was made up of many, many recycles.

Given my state of mind at the very end, I would have gladly settled for what was on offer had it not been for my T who helped me realise that the actions were as crazy as they sounded and did I really want to become the man who had married the same woman multiple times when she filed for divorce each time she found a suitable replacement. I can safely say, I'm quite detached from her drama, there is no button she can press to make me even consider breaking NC but I am concerned at the latest stunt and using my youngest children in whatever scheme she has going on right now.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Your words are insightful and I tried to read them as if about our relationship, but also as from her previous relationship, her exH. They were married 10 yrs, she and I were together 9.5 yrs. She swore she hated her exH, but they have two kids & have to share custody so he is still and will still be there for 5.5 more yrs when the youngest graduates. She always told me that if she had no kids with him, she would never speak to him. And the odd thing to me is how she despised him more the longer they were divorced. She always used to go on about how frumpy the woman was he remarried and how my ex was much better looking. Then when they married and bought a new home, my ex went into a deep depression AND then her hatred for him grew deeper. That was 6.5 yrs AFTER the divorce. I could never figure out why. She swore she was happy with us, that our relationship was far better than theirs had ever been. Yet with each year that passed she got angrier and angrier at him. In my mind, if she was glad to be divorced, she should have cared less and less. Just the opposite happened.

Back 10 yrs ago when they were looking to divorce he asked her if she was sure, she said yes, and he told her he wouldn't remarry her. She told him she didn't want to remarry him. I am sure that she did not love him. She is a closet lesbian and got married to a man because, in her own words, it was what she was supposed to do.

Our relationship ended because she went back into the closet. Thing is she and I hid very well from all of her friends & family that we were a couple. All of my friends and most of my family knew we were a couple. She essentially lost a court case against her exH last summer and it shattered her somehow. I'm still not clear on it, but do know that somehow it involves her fragile ego.

My point is that if my exgf is BPD, she is undiagnosed, then it might explain why she cared more & more about what was going on in his life rather than less & less over time. Most people I know after that much time don't really even care about their ex. She came to hate him, and i mean vile words toward him in the last 4 yrs of our relationship. And the "frumpy" wife was never as good looking as my ex (my ex's words), but what did it matter? My ex didn't want him what did she care if he got with a dumpy woman? Even writing it out is utter nonsense to me. And I guess that should prove to me that there really is something wrong with my exgf.

[paperlung]

My ex-girlfriend wanted to remain friends with me after she cheated and was getting ready to be with my replacement. I told her no, and I could just tell from her gestures that day that she was upset. She liked to remain in contact with all of her ex-boyfriends it seemed.

I went NC back in March 2013 and didn't talk to her for literally a whole year. Four months into NC, July 2013, she messaged me on Facebook. We weren't FB friends, but she was still able to send me a message. I guess I forgot to disable that function. This was after her relationship with my replacement fell apart. The message was basically one big apology letter, which gave me some closure. Some members thought it might have been a possible recycle attempt. Either way, I didn't reply back to her. This is what she wrote to me:

This may come as a bit of an unwanted, and I wouldn't even say surprise because I am sure you have moved on, but this message has nothing really to do with getting back into contact with you. I saw a picture of you in one of my old facebook photo albums and felt a bit compelled to write to you an overdue apology letter since i've grown quite a bit since what happened with us. I truly hope everything is going well with you and i'm sure it is especially since we parted ways. I had called quite some time ago and spoke with your mother and told her i was indeed diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I'm not sure she spoke to you about it, but i have a feeling she did. I feel like you've grown confidence since we parted ways because i tore you down and exhausted you when all you ever did was try your best to support and protect me. Sometimes I still cry to this day about what I did to you and i'm not sure when i'll ever accept it. Maybe never. I cannot take back what I did to you but I can write a sincere apology from my heart. I do not expect a reply paperlung. and if you feel the need to block this account too then that is ok. I am no longer in the camming industry and have a normal job as a housekeeper full time and volunteering at a farm I am no longer in (the place we both lived). I remember blaming you for not intervening when things started to get out of control with my job... . which was irresponsible of me, but at the time, I couldn't take responsibility for my own horrible actions. Maybe i'm more sentimental about these type of things than some people but I was your first girlfriend, the first girl you really gave your heart to, and I ruined you. I really feel you must be in a good place now and I hope your doing well in your school program and jake (my dog) is happy and healthy as well as the rest of your family. judging from your picture you look healthy and happy. You never deserved the pain I caused you paperlung. and I hope maybe you've found a girl that treats you right and I don't have any doubts you'd make her happy right back. Thanks for being there for me in one of the roughest times in my life and forgiving me when you shouldn't have. Thank you for the wonderful memories and your love.

Warm regards, ex.

She didn't try reaching out to me again until I think either the very end of February 2014 or the beginning of March 2014. She sent me a friend request on Facebook. I declined it. A few days later, I decided to just send her a short email saying hello. We exchanged a few more emails that same day. I didn't hear from her again until three months later, so June 2014. She emailed me, we exchanged a couple of messages, and then she asked for my phone number so we could text instead. I gave it to her, and we had a lengthy text conversation that same night.

At one point during our conversation she asked me if I was just talking to her out of pity. She was just wondering because she told me she read what I wrote about her on this other forum I post at. The thread topic was relationship-oriented. Basically, I called her a rotten human being on there. I posted that pretty early on after our breakup when I was still hurting. I had completely forgot she even knew my username. So for the entire year I was NC, she was able to keep tabs on me at this other forum I posted at regularly. Essentially, it was her only means of staying connected to me during that full year of silence.

My biggest mistake was continuing to post there afterwards under the same username. Fast forward to January 2015. Late one night I saw a thread asking, "Would you date a girl with BPD?" This was my reply:

I did once, and would definitely never date one again if I knew they had it. My ex would always leap into relationships quickly to help soothe that empty and worthless feeling she had inside.

Just imagine them as a child. A child that has a new toy (us). They play with it, love it, take it everywhere with them, get overly protective of it and will not share it with anyone.

After a while, once they have played with it all they can and it's not the amazing new toy it once was, a new toy catches their eye in a shop window. They have to have it, it's all they can think about. So they do whatever they can to get it and the old toy gets put away in a box with all the other toys to play with at a future date.

Sure, they may return to the old toy if the new one gets broken or they get bored with it, but it's only a matter of time before a new shiny one catches their eye and the cycle repeats.

As sad as it is, this is how I rationalize it. We are all just toys in a life size toy box.

Only unlike toys, we have the choice in whether or not we want to be played with again.

And I kid you not, maybe only just 10-15 minutes after I had posted that, she sends me this rageful text at 1 AM:

Listen to me very clearly. Stop talking about me. You know nothing about me. I do not have borderline personality disorder. I was never diagnosed, nor do you have the ability to diagnose me, as you're not a psych. Just because when you knew me two years ago I cut myself, or cheated on you does not mean I have BPD. I'm actually a very stable person, and lots of people go in and out of relationships when they're young. I casually dated my ex who hurt me. I do not ask for bad relationships and I was nothing but kind to him. Do not call me a child. You're a ___ty person who apparently can't let go of what happened. Sorry, yeah, I cheated on you and we had a ___ed relationship. I was depressed about ___. Don't try to blame some personality disorder for my misdoings cause I sure as hell won't, I know what I did. Goodbye.

By the way, she was sort of diagnosed with BPD, and even told me herself she had it in that apology message I quoted above. Somewhere down the line she just stopped believing she had. But I never stopped believing. I know what I went through and know what I saw.

Just yesterday, I finally asked a moderator to permanently ban my account on that other forum. Also as of yesterday, I have started NC again. I slowly let her back into my life (to the point of us actually seeing each other in person on three separate occasions during the span of December 2014 to February 2015).

I have no social media and now my account on that other forum she used to stalk me on has been terminated. I am practically a ghost to her now. She no longer has a way of having a peek into my life anymore.

[Findingmysong723]

I think many pwBPD know at least in some way how to make us stick around and detain us from detaching. Not necessarily consciously but I think they somehow know. And that’s the reason they stick around in some very covert capacity, only overt enough for you to still be attached to them. I also feel like that some really like you not being able to detach even though they don’t want to reconcile with you. There’s been lots of topics about that on here and I experienced it with my exBPDgf. When she left our sports team she still remained in our WhatsApp-group-chat even though she hated the team deeply by that time. It took her four months to finally let go of the group and leave. She also showed up at matches to let me know she’s still around. I always asked myself for what purpose she did all of this because she obviously didn’t want to reconcile. I also think they do it for theirselves because in some weird way they also don’t want to let go of us.

I would agree with the not detaching but at times I'm not sure if I'm overreacting but I doubt it. My Ex continues to go to the animal shelter I introduced him to, he brought a woman there a few times, which I'm sure he knew would come back to me which it did. Now he is dating a person I was cool with and actually wanted to hang out with more, so I felt pretty stupid about it. She mentioned us still being able to go out to coffee(which I don't drink) or whatever, but I won't be having anything to do with her. I think it was messed up that she let me open up about his issues and problems we had and agree with me that it was messed up but later on go out with him. I'm not saying he doesn't like her, but I do feel like he's doing it at least a little bit to throw it in my face. Talked to my cousin today and either he is just a jerk and doesn't care about my feelings or there's something else wrong here pr both They both have bad boundaries, she still talks to her Ex a lot, so I feel like she might be emotionally unavailable which is my Ex's cup of tea. She complained to me about her Ex that she was always trying to help him get his life together, well now she has a new pet project.

It's funny, I guess there is a small part that ego got bruised and wondering why her but that's a really small part. When I look at him, I really don't have any feelings except disgust... .it's really sad. He has continued to show his disregard for my feelings from day one. I told him when we broke up that I was uncomfortable with him continuing to come to the shelter. He waited until I reached out to him on his anniversary of his recovery (he is a recovering alcoholic) to say he was going to start coming back since "I reached out." Then he used the person in charge of the adoption events at the shelter to talk to me about how I felt about him coming etc. So, I don't trust him, I really don't. I'm detaching pretty well, but I'm still not going to talk to him and let him think his behavior is okay. Maybe some of his exes keep in touch, but he doesn't deserve that from me. He broke up with me, but I refused to be friend and when he texted me a few months later I ignored him and he sent me a passive aggressive text back, then he was like " I suppose this isn't Findingmysong but if it is though, I would hope your more mature than ignore me that's f**kin childish. I'm happy to keep people like that out of my life." Then after months after that, he saw me at the Shelter and I tried to walk away from him and he continued to come over and start talking to me.

Now, I feel like I'm never going to get rid of him, now that he is dating someone else involved at the shelter. However, I'm not going to stop going there, I'll ignore them and try real hard not to make any faces!  

Any comments would be nice, but I swear any other guys I've dated wouldn't stay around for years and they wouldn't of dated a mutual friend. I remember him telling me when we were dating that "he didn't understand why exes had to stop talking to each other, that we could still be friends." He warned me I guess!