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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: So I saw my mom today and learned a lot ... now I need a cry  (Read 496 times)
hope2727
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« on: February 16, 2015, 07:07:18 PM »

So my mom is a really cool, strong, amazing woman. She is also profoundly disabled both physically and to some degree mentally due to a terrible injury sustained several years ago. We have (had) been cohorts and she lived with me until quite recently. Now she lives with my sister thousands of miles away which is really tough for me but I simply can't do round the clock care anymore. My sister is retired and lives in a warmer climate on a farm so its better for mom to be there. I just have to accept the loss and adjust. But today sister 1 had mom here at sister 2's house and I was graced with a few hours of mom time at my/our home. It was a pretty clear minded day for mom and I was the beneficiary of some of wisdom. I though I would share.

My mom left a mentally ill husband (screams BPD now that I know more about it) after just shy of 40 years of marriage. She told me she knew after more like 15 years of marriage that he was disturbed and unsafe but still thought she could survive the marriage for the sake of her children and her (Catholic) faith. She said she knew he wasn't "normal" after a "few" years of marriage. She said she finally left to save herself and he youngest 2 children. She long ago said I should leave my marriage of 12 years to a mentally ill, cheating husband rather than wait 40 like her. She told me today that at least I didn't wait so long with this one (ex fiancee).

She and I took hours to sort, shed and pack 30 years of paper, photos, letters and mementos. Some made us smile. Some made us laugh. Some made us cry.

My mom is not someone to say poop if her mouth was full of it. She is the most kind, smart, compassionate person I know. She remarked on seeing photos of my ex husband what a good sport he was. How kind he was to animals and children. How she loved him. She then said how cruel he was to me in his own right. How he cheated and lied and lived a secret double life at my expense (literally as it was on my Visa). She loved and missed him. She included him in her prayers still but was glad he was gone from my life. He caused me to many tears and would never reciprocate and take of me she said.

Then she told me about my ex-fiancee. She said he was a kind, gentle lost soul. She prays for him daily. She loves him as her own son. She does not think he will ever come back and hopes if he does I will not take him in. She feels he is incapable of having a "real" healthy adult relationship. (Insert me sobbing here.)

She told me she has prayed every day for years that I might find someone who can have a real, healthy, reciprocal relationship and who will take care of me when I need it. She prays for me to have peace and not work so hard. She prays for me to have a husband and children and a family as she knows when she dies I will essentially be an orphan. This is something we have discussed before. Her family is very grounded and healthy ( mentally) my father's side are the poster children for mental illness. That includes my siblings. She is aware of the problem. Always has been. Some of the documents we set aside for shredding were thousands of dollars in psychology receipts for my younger sister.

One of the other things I set out for shredding was a letter she wrote my father in about 1884 that I could have written my ex fiancĂ©  yesterday. It is about him ignoring her needs, his rages, his affairs, his controlling and abusive mater. It is about his refusal to seek mental and physical health care. It is about her giving up on him and saving herself.

Then I ran across a letter my younger sister sent to my mother and one she claims she sent to me. She may have I honestly can't remember. It is 8 pages justifying her affair with my first husband. No you didn't misread that. It is an 8 page rant about how horrible a person I am and how I am so cruel to her and how my husband hates me and how they had a deep connection and how they are justified in their affair. Now it should be said that by the time I found out about the affair it was long over and my ex and I had  lots of happiness together. He did go on to have other affairs many years later but we really did over come the first one and have happy years together. Her letter reads as if he was miserable and I was the worst person on earth. It is from the early 90's so I really don't give a monkeys bum about it now but it is interesting to read how raw her emotions were and how justified she feels in pursuing a relationship with my ex. I see some of her points entirely about my part in the relationship but seriously ... .there is no justification for the affair. None. Ever.

So I guess the point is that we all have a part to play. I did and said things that hurt my sister. My husband may  have been unhappy. But none the less the disordered mind(s) will justify and act in any way it wants. No matter the hurt to others, no matter the morals, no matter the consequences the disordered mind will justify its choices and vilify others to excuse their own behaviour.

My father did so for 40 years. My sister does so to this day. My ex-husband undoubtedly does so wherever he is. My ex-fiance certainly is with his new true love and his smear campaign. All we can do is learn the signs of a disordered mind. These are the signs we must learn to identify and then we must learn to put distance between us and them. Its sad. Its painful. Its critical for our own survival.

I have no relationship with my father. None. I haven't spoken to him in years. It is ok. I am at peace with it. I will have no relationship with my siblings after my mothers death. Its ok. I will eventually come to peace with it. I have no relationship with my ex-husband. Its ok. I am at peace with it. I will eventually have no relationship with my ex-fiancee. It will one day be ok. I will come to be at peace with it. I just hope my mom's prayers come true and I meet someone to have a healthy relationship with. I look forward to it. Meanwhile I hope i have faith to keep trying and to see the signs when they are there.

To quote a favourite radio program.

"Stay calm. Be brave. Wait for the signs."

With all my love and hugs from my own moderately crazy mind.

Yours sincerely ,

Hope



PS I am off to drink the good wine and rub a little alcohol on my hurting heart.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2015, 07:37:58 PM »

Wow, such a touching post!

Here are a few virtual hugs. . .    

Let the tears and wine flow!
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hope2727
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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2015, 08:01:33 PM »

Thanks Vortex,

I was planning to write an inspirational post about leaving sooner rather than later. Loving and letting go. Knowing it isn't always 50:50. Didn't quite turn out that way.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I literally said to my mom that I was grateful she left him and it wasn't her or the marriage or communication it was HIM! Period end discussion. I told her I was proud of her and grateful for everything she had ever done for me. Then we ate chocolate so it was a great day overall.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2015, 08:21:52 PM »

Thanks Vortex,

I was planning to write an inspirational post about leaving sooner rather than later. Loving and letting go. Knowing it isn't always 50:50. Didn't quite turn out that way.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I literally said to my mom that I was grateful she left him and it wasn't her or the marriage or communication it was HIM! Period end discussion. I told her I was proud of her and grateful for everything she had ever done for me. Then we ate chocolate so it was a great day overall.

My mom and dad just celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary. My siblings and I have spent years wishing that the two of them would split up. Their relationship stinks to high heaven. Dad tried to leave her once but she wouldn't leave him alone so he relented and came home because that was the only way that he was going to get any peace. My mother is impossible. My oldest daughter has even commented on how crazy my mother is. Anyway, I was talking to her one day about my marriage being kind of crappy and she told me, "Oh, you are just like me. You are going to give up trying and just suck it up." UGH! Um, no, I don't want to give up on trying to make things better.
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downwhim
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« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2015, 09:40:18 PM »

Hope,

Your letter makes me sad, it gives me hope, it is enlightening and honest. It tells the full story and it shows a deep respect and love for your mother. Our families of origin can be so crazy making. Trying to sort through the reality while shedding the past. It is for very interesting.

Through all of this your mom is praying for those that have caused pain to others but she still loves them. She has faith. That is called grace.

Thank you for sharing a part of yourself that others may never know.

 
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Matt8888

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« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2015, 12:28:08 AM »

That was what I needed to hear today.  What a well written post. 
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