I am new here

[emiluke]

Hello,

I have been separated from my DH for 6 months.  He is an undiagnosed Borderline with narcissistic tendencies. The separation went surprising well but he seems to be decompensating now.  We have two children: DS 12yrs, DD 16yrs.  My son has always been favoured and my daughter is never "good enough".  My DH wouldn't leave the marital home so I left with the two children.  A separation agreement is being made through a lawyer but has not been finalized yet.  The marital home was sold and my DH moved into a basement apartment 2 weeks ago.  He seems to be coming "unglued" and my daughter stated that she is concerned about her father's mental stability.  My question is "At what point should I seek legal help to prevent my children staying at their father's house?".  Right now, they stay there one night a week and every other week-end. He showed up at my house unannounced yesterday to put some stuff in my backyard.  Most of it was just garbage.  I told him not to leave the garbage but he did anyway.  I was afraid to say no as he seemed very angry and agitated. I have had a headache since then and am very worried about my children.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

[ForeverDad]

If you don't want him on your property it is entirely proper to call the police to enforce your boundary.  One problem with ending relationships described here is that the disordered parent has no respect for us, we aren't seen as having any authority.  That's one good thing about court, police, etc, they are The Authority that trumps the ex's entitlement or dysregulation, well, if they choose to act.

Restricting parenting time?  You could try to get it in the order that if you become concerned then you can decline to make exchanges.  Fortunately your children are older and so it's not as worrisome as with little children.  The court may want some phrase in there that alternate time may need to be offered when he's better.  Others may chime in here with their thoughts.

Be aware that courts and agencies have a rather low bar for 'actionable' conduct.  Just acting weird may not be enough.  I've read that for it to be actionable it would be substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  Not much help since a lot of that would be on the spot subjective judgment.  Suffice it to say you can feel justified to err on the side of caution, at least until you know what stance the court and related agencies take.  That old saying... .It's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.  Well, sometimes.

[livednlearned]

Hi emiluke,

How are you doing? These are not easy divorces to go through. Is your husband still dysregulating?

My ex is similar -- undiagnosed BPD with a strong narcissistic streak. It's a tough combination. It sounds like the kids are split into scapegoat and golden child. It's interesting that your daughter (scapegoat) is the one who is concerned about her's dad's mental condition. It's a common codependent quality to be this way.

Do you have your own lawyer or are you both sharing one? Sometimes things quiet down after the initial separation phase, although it's all relative. Even when things were relatively calm in my case, they were still challenging. Do either of your kids want to avoid staying overnight at their dad's?