Self doubt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

<taking a deep breath>

I am not even sure where to start.

Do I follow my head or do I follow my heart?

Do I listen to you or do I listen to me?

Am I blind or can I see?

I sit down to think and write

And it all seems so trite

I want to do this or maybe that

Falling on my face, going splat

Self doubt sends my wheels spinning

I'm hungry for a new beginning

Looking for some words of advice

Even a "me too" would be nice!

[vortex of confusion]

<taking a deep breath>

I am not even sure where to start.

Do I follow my head or do I follow my heart?

Do I listen to you or do I listen to me?

Am I blind or can I see?

I sit down to think and write

And it all seems so trite

I want to do this or maybe that

Falling on my face, going splat

Self doubt sends my wheels spinning

I'm hungry for a new beginning

Looking for some words of advice

Even a "me too" would be nice!

[hope2727]

Me too.

To quote a friend "Faith is like floss. You are really committed and sure for awhile. Then you fall off the wagon and have all kinds of doubts. You are normal. You are supposed to. Just pick up the floss and get started again. Same with finding the faith. Both your teeth and your heart will be stronger for having started again with both." - Meagan the most faith filled person I know

[vortex of confusion]

Me too.

To quote a friend "Faith is like floss. You are really committed and sure for awhile. Then you fall off the wagon and have all kinds of doubts. You are normal. You are supposed to. Just pick up the floss and get started again. Same with finding the faith. Both your teeth and your heart will be stronger for having started again with both." - Meagan the most faith filled person I know

Love the quote!

I have sabotaged myself because of self doubt so many times. I will think I have things figured out and then I backslide because I get caught up in all of the what ifs. . .

[hope2727]

The" what ifs" are brutal. I have them too. Had a bunch today while visiting my mom. She set me straight. Now I am going to go floss my teeth. Every time I lose faith I am going to floss. That will help my teeth and maybe make me laugh.

[Crumbling]

Great poem, V, I love your style

So honest and true, so unbeguiled

I hope you know, to us, your words mean so much

And like the rest of us, you must, again, learn to trust

To trust in yourself is a path least taken

To not believe in yourself is a heart forsaken

But, my friend, no need to doubt or fret,

Your heart will tell your head what's best

In the porch, printing pages, and having a smoke

You will soon discover what you need the most

My 'me too' is this, that I worry too

That my words and actions just wont do

Together we build on each others words

And for you, I pray, a change comes soon!

All my best to you VC,

Crumsy

         

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you crumbling and hope! Love the poem Crumbly. 

I have been thinking more about the self doubt and wanted to try to write something a bit more serious.

I can sit down and write out all kinds of things about myself that would indicate that I have it together and am a decent person (for the most part). I can list out my education credentials. I can talk about how many jobs I have. I can talk about my kids. I can share the stuff I have written on my blogs. I have a great big list of accomplishments. The problem is that I don't feel like I have really accomplished much of anything. I don't feel like anything I have done is that great or that wonderful.

I don't feel like I matter to other people. I know that I should care more about myself and worry less about what other people think. It isn't that I care what they think. I just want to feel like I matter to somebody. I have friends but they rarely contact me. I have chased my husband for years to no avail. I had a lover that I chased to no avail. I feel like I spend a lot of my time chasing people because I don't feel like they would want me otherwise. I didn't used to be this way at all. I used to not care so much.

I remember one time talking to an old high school friend and she said that I seemed like I always had everything so together. A lot of people tell me that. I don't know how because underneath it all, I feel very afraid and unsure of myself. I question myself all of the time.

What if I am the one with BPD or some other mental illness?

What if I am the crazy lunatic b***h?

What if I am ruining my kids by staying with my husband?

What if I am a horrible person?

What if I am being a bad wife by setting boundaries?

What if I am being selfish?

What if I am being conceited or arrogant?

What if I am saying things that are wrong or messed up or inaccurate?

What if people discover that underneath the tough exterior I am scared and lonely and don't have a clue?

What if I do something wrong?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi vortex, Perhaps you could work on self-acceptance?  If I may make a few suggestions: Your worth and value come from within, not from that list of accomplishments.  It's your job to love yourself, not that of others.  Take responsibility for your relationship with yourself.  Honor yourself.  It sounds easy, but can be hard for those of us emerging from the turmoil of a BPD r/s and the toll it takes on one's self-esteem.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Crumbling]

One of the reasons, IMO, you are having difficulty breaking thru the what ifs may be because there is no one there to be your sounding board.   

Now that I have made the effort to speak about my situation with people I know, in person, I feel so much more validated in what I am feeling, and the thoughts of me being crazy are slowly subsiding.   It's a lonely place, feeling like you are chasing friends/lover to be a part of your life, I know.

I've  tried speaking of my feelings on my website, in an abstract way.  Wont do that again!  People on facebook started unfriending me, blocking me, leaving me nasty remarks for being negative and nuts.  Not fun.  I had forgotten that there was a link between my site and facebook, and boy did it backfire on me!    Sometimes it's easier to know what not to do, than what to do.    I love hindsight! 

You are going to have to find someone who is your confidant, V.   Who first came to your mind when you read that?  Someone you trust and can feel super comfortable with.  If you cant thing of anyone, then, what I did, was go about my business, staying busy with daily mundane tasks, and just giving the question to the universe, so to speak.  Letting the question just sit in your brain while you work.  Somehow my friend, (you're right, btw, he is my friend, and closest friend right now because he knows h better than me, and I need that to help me understand h) called me very shortly after. I realized I needed to talk open and honest about this stuff, and not just give the glossed over smile and nod, yep things are fine answer for a change, and the universe responded.  Cool, right?

I have gone on bouts of rebellion, too, where I refuse to call people I know because it feels like I"m always making the calls.  For example, my mom and I have a strange relationship, we don't talk much, and my last year's resolution was to call her at least once a month for the entire year.  It actually increased to twice a month a lot of the time, but I did it, I kept my resolution to invest in the r/s by committing to this, for all of 2014. 

When 2015 rolled around, I stopped calling.  She knew it had been my resolution for the year.  At the time, she said, 'good! 2015 will be my year to do the same'.  Haven't spoken to her since New Years Day.  She just wont call me.  I knew she wouldn't.  She never has.  I don't know why.  I've given up trying to figure out why and now, I just take comfort that I have a mom out there praying for me, and loving me, even if I never speak to her again.  I made many attempts to make our r/s better and she is nice and kind, but then does nothing herself at all to keep the friendship going.  It's an old wound, I guess, between her and I, that never fully got resolved.  Anyways, I digress.


 

You need validation, V.  That's not crazy or a mental illness.  It's human.   

Hey, do you know how to turn illness to wellness?  You take out the 'I' and put in 'we'! 

Blessings to you, c.

[billypilgrim]

What if I am the one with BPD or some other mental illness?

What if I am the crazy lunatic b***h?

What if I am ruining my kids by staying with my husband?

What if I am a horrible person?

What if I am being a bad wife by setting boundaries?

What if I am being selfish?

What if I am being conceited or arrogant?

What if I am saying things that are wrong or messed up or inaccurate?

What if people discover that underneath the tough exterior I am scared and lonely and don't have a clue?

What if I do something wrong?

I think the very fact that you can ask these questions of yourself shows that you aren't those things.  But obviously these questions and their perceived answers bother you.  What is it about answering these questions that gives you pause?  Where do these feelings come from?  :)o you know what these questions are trying to ask of you?  

What does it mean to set boundaries for yourself?  What does it mean for you to be selfish?  What does it mean for you to be arrogant?  What does it mean to do something wrong?  Go with that and see where it takes you.    

I've struggled with a similar set of questions about myself.  I have perfectionist tendencies.  I don't usually mess up.  And if I do, I berate myself big time.  I know where that comes from and I know I've got to work on that area of myself.  Your last question about yourself is very similar to what I ask myself.  And it's a little bit of an irrational question.  We are human, of course we are going to make mistakes.  And so what?  But getting to a place of accepting that we aren't perfect is tough.  

Try to go easy on yourself and listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi vortex, Perhaps you could work on self-acceptance?  If I may make a few suggestions: Your worth and value come from within, not from that list of accomplishments.  It's your job to love yourself, not that of others.  Take responsibility for your relationship with yourself.  Honor yourself.  It sounds easy, but can be hard for those of us emerging from the turmoil of a BPD r/s and the toll it takes on one's self-esteem.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim!

On an intellectual level I know that my self worth comes from within. How do I believe that? How do I accept myself? I have all of these flaws that I see in myself and need to work through them.

In the last couple of days, I realized that I have a really messed up frame of reference. My frame of reference is one of dysfunction. I got involved with my husband because my frame of reference was dysfunction and he didn't seem nearly as dysfunctional as my family of origin. Really, he was just the other side of the same coin. My FOO paved the way for me to accept dysfunction. I know a lot of my self doubt comes from being aware of my screwed up frame of reference.

[vortex of confusion]

One of the reasons, IMO, you are having difficulty breaking thru the what ifs may be because there is no one there to be your sounding board.   

That is a really good point. Most of the people that I know are pretty dysfunctional in their own right. I wouldn't trust them as a sounding board in most cases because I know their level of dysfunction and their history of saying and doing things that are not in line with the kind of person that I want to be.

Now that I have made the effort to speak about my situation with people I know, in person, I feel so much more validated in what I am feeling, and the thoughts of me being crazy are slowly subsiding.   It's a lonely place, feeling like you are chasing friends/lover to be a part of your life, I know.

I have shared bits and pieces with different people. Right now, my usual sounding board is dealing with issues of her own that are pretty serious (family illness).

I have gone on bouts of rebellion, too, where I refuse to call people I know because it feels like I"m always making the calls. 

I know all about rebellion.  That is something within myself that I know I need to work on a bit. I do tend to be a bit of a rebel at times. I am pretty quiet about it but a rebel nonetheless.

When 2015 rolled around, I stopped calling.  She knew it had been my resolution for the year.  At the time, she said, 'good! 2015 will be my year to do the same'.  Haven't spoken to her since New Years Day.  She just wont call me. 

I chuckled at this. I talk to my mom almost every day. I am the one that calls her. She rarely calls me unless it has been too many days since I called. Then, she will make some excuse about being afraid of bothering me. Why hasn't she heard from me? She actually called me yesterday. When I call her, it is greetings and small talk. When she called me yesterday, I said something along the lines of "Oh hey, how are you? Is everything okay? What do you need?" She said that she was just calling to see how I was doing since I didn't call her on Sunday. We had a little bit of small talk and then she revealed the reason that she called. It was a simple question about utility services or something. I answered her question and then laughed and said, "Ha, I knew you wanted something." That is the way it goes in my FOO. All value seems to be derived from what a person can do. What are your credentials? What can you do? What have you done? What have you accomplished?

Hey, do you know how to turn illness to wellness?  You take out the 'I' and put in 'we'! 

How sweet! I have never heard that before. I guess I need to find the right 'we'.

[vortex of confusion]

I think the very fact that you can ask these questions of yourself shows that you aren't those things.  But obviously these questions and their perceived answers bother you.  What is it about answering these questions that gives you pause?  Where do these feelings come from?  :)o you know what these questions are trying to ask of you?  

Hmmm. . .I think these questions come from things that have been said to me over the years (verbally and nonverbally). I am not sure what gives me pause. I don't know why those specific what ifs bother me so much.

What does it mean to set boundaries for yourself?  What does it mean for you to be selfish?  What does it mean for you to be arrogant?  What does it mean to do something wrong?  Go with that and see where it takes you.  

I am going to have to think long and hard about those things.

Here are some random thoughts that I want to capture:

-Unsure of boundary setting. Feels like my boundaries are rarely respected. Portrayed as selfish as a result. Selfish is bad. Parents and other people that I know are selfish. I do NOT want to be selfish because I don't want to be like them. They are arrogant. They know everything and like to make sure that other people know it. I know how it feels to be put down by somebody that is arrogant and knows everything. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to hurt other people. I have always been sensitive to violence. I have always been a pretty empathetic person. I tend to equate doing something wrong with hurting others. My biggest fear is hurting other people.  

Try to go easy on yourself and listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you.

Thanks! It is still a bit of a jumble at times. I am trying to keep taking small steps to expand my awareness. The problem is that sometimes I just want to go back to hiding under a rock. 

[downwhim]

Beautiful poem, really got me thinking. Thank you.

I think fear holds us back from growing and moving into another space that would allow us more answers in our life. I too am guilty of self sabotage for what I fear I create. Getting over our pain and on to healing is a process not a race as someone mentioned on the board the other day. Once we start measuring we will never measure up.

Self doubt sneaks in all the time in life. Stepping back taking a look at our accomplishments yet on feeling whole is common. This self reflection helps us to continue moving.  

[billypilgrim]

What does it mean to set boundaries for yourself?  What does it mean for you to be selfish?  What does it mean for you to be arrogant?  What does it mean to do something wrong?  Go with that and see where it takes you.  

I am going to have to think long and hard about those things.

Here are some random thoughts that I want to capture:

-Unsure of boundary setting. Feels like my boundaries are rarely respected. Portrayed as selfish as a result. Selfish is bad. Parents and other people that I know are selfish. I do NOT want to be selfish because I don't want to be like them. They are arrogant. They know everything and like to make sure that other people know it. I know how it feels to be put down by somebody that is arrogant and knows everything. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to hurt other people. I have always been sensitive to violence. I have always been a pretty empathetic person. I tend to equate doing something wrong with hurting others. My biggest fear is hurting other people.  

The bolded is the root of it, I think.  Or at least this is the tip of the root.  It's very weird to see you say these things as these are almost identical things in which  I have struggled with.  Most of my decisions in life have been driven by my desire to NOT be like some of the crappy people in my FOO.  For me, it's an alcoholic NPD grandfather that I'm trying very much to not become.  And rationally I know I'm nothing like him, yet I still go through life trying to avoid being him.  It's not conscious at this point.  Instead, what did I go out a do?  I married much younger female version of him.  I very much identify with what you said about realizing that your ex was just the other side of the coin.  

Another thing that struck me?

I know how it feels to be put down by somebody that is arrogant and knows everything. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to hurt other people. I have always been sensitive to violence. I have always been a pretty empathetic person. I tend to equate doing something wrong with hurting others. My biggest fear is hurting other people.  

Not much room to think about and help yourself with all that other people talk, is there?  And don't get the wrong impression, those are wonderful qualities.  Where would the world be without people like you?  And also, if you are anything like me, you are probably pretty unfamiliar with what it actually means to tend and take care of yourself, emotionally that is.  Kind of hard when all you ever do is concern yourself with the needs and wants of others.  Switching some of that effort towards other people around to myself is something I've only recently started trying to do.

[Grey Kitty]

VOC, you listed a whole bunch of fears in the form of "What if I am?" or "What if I do?" They all fit self-doubt very well.

This one caught my eye 'cuz it was different.

What if people discover that underneath the tough exterior I am scared and lonely and don't have a clue?

What if people discover that? Indeed!

What if somebody discovers that... .and cares about the scared and lonely person inside?

Or what if somebody discovers that... .and then tries to take advantage of the scared and lonely person inside?

That depends a lot more on the person than on you!

[vortex of confusion]

The bolded is the root of it, I think.  Or at least this is the tip of the root.  It's very weird to see you say these things as these are almost identical things in which  I have struggled with.  Most of my decisions in life have been driven by my desire to NOT be like some of the crappy people in my FOO.  For me, it's an alcoholic NPD grandfather that I'm trying very much to not become.  And rationally I know I'm nothing like him, yet I still go through life trying to avoid being him.  It's not conscious at this point.  Instead, what did I go out a do?  I married much younger female version of him.  I very much identify with what you said about realizing that your ex was just the other side of the coin.

My husband reminds me of my mother in a lot of ways. It is weird because I have had the thought, "If I don't want to be like them, what do I want to be like?" In the quiet recesses of my mind, I know who I am and who I want to be but I have all of these voices in my head that say being that person openly is weak and all sorts of other negative things. The kind of person that I feel like I am and want to be is the kind of person that people easily take advantage of, walk on, and make fun of. 

Not much room to think about and help yourself with all that other people talk, is there?  And don't get the wrong impression, those are wonderful qualities.  Where would the world be without people like you?  And also, if you are anything like me, you are probably pretty unfamiliar with what it actually means to tend and take care of yourself, emotionally that is.  Kind of hard when all you ever do is concern yourself with the needs and wants of others.  Switching some of that effort towards other people around to myself is something I've only recently started trying to do.

I hadn't quite thought about it like that before. You are right. I have only concerned myself with the needs and wants of others because that is what it has taken to survive. I don't like fighting. I don't like being selfish. Taking care of oneself has been called selfish time and time again by people close to me. One time, when I was in college and was studying for a big test, I got in trouble because I didn't wash my brother's car. I don't remember all of the details. I just remember that I was taken aside and given a stern talking to because I didn't wash his car in a timely enough manner. When I was planning my wedding, I got a good talking to because I was talking about it too much and it might upset my sisters as neither of them had been married. When I was excited about us buying our first house, I got a good talking to because I was rubbing it in and upsetting other people. When I got my current job and was excited about it, the first thing from my husband was, "What about my meetings?" Lots and lots of examples where I have tried to take care of myself or do something for myself only to be criticized and told that I am being selfish, hurting other people, or bragging or that I come across as arrogant or judgmental or all of the above.

[vortex of confusion]

VOC, you listed a whole bunch of fears in the form of "What if I am?" or "What if I do?" They all fit self-doubt very well.

This one caught my eye 'cuz it was different.

What if people discover that underneath the tough exterior I am scared and lonely and don't have a clue?

What if people discover that? Indeed!

What if somebody discovers that... .and cares about the scared and lonely person inside?

Or what if somebody discovers that... .and then tries to take advantage of the scared and lonely person inside?

That depends a lot more on the person than on you!

It is interesting that you point that out. It shines a light on something inside myself that I find very confusing. I want people to care and I tend to try to connect with people but then I get scared because I will see things that lead me to believe that I am being taken advantage of so I will resort to coping mechanisms that aren't the greatest. And, given my experience, I haven't come across too many people that seem to genuinely care. When I do come across somebody that seems to really care, I have to be very, very careful because it seems so unbelievably foreign to me. My frame of reference is one of dysfunction. I realize that I am more comfortable around people that are likely to take advantage of me. I am trying to figure out how to create a new frame of reference and I am not sure how to go about doing it. I think that is another big source of the self doubt. I know my weaknesses and I know the areas that I need to work on. Part of that involves me doubting myself and testing things against my feelings and seeing how it compares to my dysfunctional frame of reference and then trying to see whether or not it fits the dysfunction or not. Lots of uncertainty.

[jhkbuzz]

VOC, you listed a whole bunch of fears in the form of "What if I am?" or "What if I do?" They all fit self-doubt very well.

This one caught my eye 'cuz it was different.

What if people discover that underneath the tough exterior I am scared and lonely and don't have a clue?

What if people discover that? Indeed!

What if somebody discovers that... .and cares about the scared and lonely person inside?

Or what if somebody discovers that... .and then tries to take advantage of the scared and lonely person inside?

That depends a lot more on the person than on you!

It is interesting that you point that out. It shines a light on something inside myself that I find very confusing. I want people to care and I tend to try to connect with people but then I get scared because I will see things that lead me to believe that I am being taken advantage of so I will resort to coping mechanisms that aren't the greatest. And, given my experience, I haven't come across too many people that seem to genuinely care. When I do come across somebody that seems to really care, I have to be very, very careful because it seems so unbelievably foreign to me. My frame of reference is one of dysfunction. I realize that I am more comfortable around people that are likely to take advantage of me. I am trying to figure out how to create a new frame of reference and I am not sure how to go about doing it. I think that is another big source of the self doubt. I know my weaknesses and I know the areas that I need to work on. Part of that involves me doubting myself and testing things against my feelings and seeing how it compares to my dysfunctional frame of reference and then trying to see whether or not it fits the dysfunction or not. Lots of uncertainty.

Brene Brown:  The Power of Vulnerablity

One of the most amazing TED talks I've ever seen.

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

[vortex of confusion]

Brene Brown:  The Power of Vulnerablity

One of the most amazing TED talks I've ever seen.

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

Wow, lots of really good food for thought! I have couple of thoughts percolating about what I heard and felt.

1. I think a lot of my self doubt comes from a lack of certainty, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

2. We live in a world that wants certainty. I struggle with the fact that I do embrace the uncertainties in life but feel like I am surrounded by people that see that as being wishy washy or lacking values. No, I don't think it is either. It is me being open to other possibilities.

3. I struggle with the idea that I am enough and that I am worthy. I haven't always been that way. Most of these feelings are a result of my marriage rather than FOO. Yes, my FOO was very dismissive at times and there was a lot of dysfunction. If I am honest, I was the golden child that was everybody's favorite. In school, I was often teacher's pet. I rarely gave in to peer pressure. I feel like I had a good relationship with my dad and we would quite often have rather deep discussions. He would answer my questions and listen to what I had to say.

4. Another source of self doubt comes from the fact that I feel like I understand vulnerability and am decent at it in the right circumstances. I am finding it more and more difficult to find people and situations where I feel that it is safe to be vulnerable. I am trying to strip away the old and find new and better ways of interacting with myself and with other people.

[billypilgrim]

Brene Brown:  The Power of Vulnerablity

One of the most amazing TED talks I've ever seen.

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

3. I struggle with the idea that I am enough and that I am worthy. I haven't always been that way. Most of these feelings are a result of my marriage rather than FOO. Yes, my FOO was very dismissive at times and there was a lot of dysfunction. If I am honest, I was the golden child that was everybody's favorite. In school, I was often teacher's pet. I rarely gave in to peer pressure. I feel like I had a good relationship with my dad and we would quite often have rather deep discussions. He would answer my questions and listen to what I had to say.

I go back and forth on this question.  Like you, I was, for the most part, an overachiever.  Still probably am.  I always did what was expected, often more.  Which is why transitioning from my FOO into a relationship with someone with BPD was so easy and natural.  I was used to someone else setting the bar for me rather than myself.   And being me, I had to meet it.  I felt like I had this drive that I HAD to meet whatever was expected of me.  I couldn't fail, if I failed then that meant I was worthless.  That I had no value.  I know now that that's not a rational belief, but that was my frame of reference.  And I'm pretty sure that came from my FOO.  It just manifested itself so very differently and much more vividly in my marriage.  My marriage seemed to hone in on the unhealthy things about my FOO, not putting myself first, constantly seeking approval outside of myself, caretaking, avoiding conflict and confrontation at my own expense, etc. 

You also said this earlier: "My frame of reference is one of dysfunction. I realize that I am more comfortable around people that are likely to take advantage of me."

Does that come from your FOO or your marriage?  To me, it sounds like this is something you learned from your FOO.  But that's just from where I sit.  I see a lot similarities with your frame of reference and mine. 

And lastly you said this: "I am trying to strip away the old and find new and better ways of interacting with myself and with other people."  I think that's exactly what you need to do.  That's what I'm trying to do, delicately, that is.  I don't want to throw out the proverbial baby with the bath water.  There are a lot of good qualities about myself that I don't want to lose in the name of self preservation, healthier people would and do respect and cherish those qualities.  The same goes for you - look at the way you have described yourself in this thread.  Open-minded, empathetic, compassionate, unselfish, caring of others, to name a just a few.  Those are all wonderful qualities.  Don't lose sight of that as you transition into the new you.

[vortex of confusion]

I go back and forth on this question.  Like you, I was, for the most part, an overachiever.  Still probably am.  I always did what was expected, often more.  Which is why transitioning from my FOO into a relationship with someone with BPD was so easy and natural.  I was used to someone else setting the bar for me rather than myself.   And being me, I had to meet it.  I felt like I had this drive that I HAD to meet whatever was expected of me.  I couldn't fail, if I failed then that meant I was worthless.  That I had no value.  I know now that that's not a rational belief, but that was my frame of reference.  And I'm pretty sure that came from my FOO.  It just manifested itself so very differently and much more vividly in my marriage.  My marriage seemed to hone in on the unhealthy things about my FOO, not putting myself first, constantly seeking approval outside of myself, caretaking, avoiding conflict and confrontation at my own expense, etc. 

Wow, thanks for this. I can really relate to this. And, I can see how I have let other people set the bar for me and that I have let them do it in both positive and negative ways. It isn't as bad when people expected me to be good and do good. Unless I failed and then it was a bit upsetting. I can also see how I have lived up to other people's negative expectations as well. It is like I let other people define the role they want me to fill and I slip into it. I think it started with my FOO and was completely reinforced and taken to another level with my husband. For years, it seems like the only role that I could take with my husband was that of happy housewife, protector, magical unicorn extraordinaire. (Yes, that is a bit exaggerated but there was one time when he went so far as to say that I am his higher power.)   

You also said this earlier: "My frame of reference is one of dysfunction. I realize that I am more comfortable around people that are likely to take advantage of me."

Does that come from your FOO or your marriage?  To me, it sounds like this is something you learned from your FOO.  But that's just from where I sit.  I see a lot similarities with your frame of reference and mine. 

I see it as both. It started with my FOO and was continued in my marriage. The one big difference that I see between my FOO and my marriage is that when I was a kid and with my dad, I knew I was safe. I was a daddy's girl and nobody messed with me. If somebody said or did something to me that I didn't like when I was a kid and I was with my dad, I would sneak out from behind my dad's legs and stick my tongue out, cuss at them, or give them the finger. Dad never said a word. I never felt safe with my mother. Almost all of the bad stuff that happened to me as a kid happened while my mother was supposed to be on duty. My parents had all sorts of dysfunctional and crazy friends. I was never scared of them or bothered by them because I knew that it was safe to stand up for myself. With my husband, I learned that it is NOT safe for me to stand up for myself. It is NOT safe for me to speak my mind. I grew up with a dad that is probably a bit narcissistic and had the attitude of "Who gives a crap what other people thing". But, I do recall that was tempered by him explaining to me that there is a time and place for everything and that in certain circumstances it is very important to consider others. I feel like he tried to give me a pretty balanced view of stuff. I feel like being with my husband has undone all of that because he soo focused on what other people think. He is very focused on pleasing his parents. Because I knew that I grew up with so much dysfunction, I knew that I wanted something different so I tried to follow my husband. He seemed to be a pretty decent guy with decent values. The truth is that he is a good guy but he grew up in a small town where everybody knows everybody and putting on a good face to the world was very, very important. My family was dysfunctional. We knew it. The world knew it and it was the source of a lot of jokes and entertainment. It was almost like my FOO reveled in the dysfunction.

And lastly you said this: "I am trying to strip away the old and find new and better ways of interacting with myself and with other people."  I think that's exactly what you need to do.  That's what I'm trying to do, delicately, that is.  I don't want to throw out the proverbial baby with the bath water.  There are a lot of good qualities about myself that I don't want to lose in the name of self preservation, healthier people would and do respect and cherish those qualities.  The same goes for you - look at the way you have described yourself in this thread.  Open-minded, empathetic, compassionate, unselfish, caring of others, to name a just a few.  Those are all wonderful qualities.  Don't lose sight of that as you transition into the new you.

Perhaps that is precisely why I need to embrace the self-doubt. I want to be careful about this because I don't want to throw out things that are good. Somebody I know once said something along the lines of, "It is better to run towards the positive rather than trying to run away from the negative." Before I can move towards the positive, I have to figure out exactly what that is without letting somebody else define it for me.

And I want to thank Crumbling for the suggestion!