do replacements ever work out? how long do they usually last? Concerned for D3

[Cleveland]

Found out recently that my BPDexgf got engaged to the replacement - five months to the day after we broke up.  (we were together almost five years before that)

Honestly, I am not shocked nor am I even hurt by it.  In someways I am happy.  Her replacement has been providing me a healthy relationship and showing me that it really wasn't all my fault. 

I know they often have the replacement lined up before they leave you, but I don't think she did.  She told her family she met him on eharmony (granted that could be a lie) but based on the timeline of when they became friends on Facebook, and when things apparently got serious, line up with her behaviors toward me.

My only real concern is for D3.  She has handled this all so well so far.  She seems to like the new guy (by all accounts he seems to have his act together).  But I know that in our relationship, she didn't show signs of issues until about the six or seven month mark - just long enough to lock me in.  I would love nothing more than for them to have a great relationship and a happy marriage because I believe that is what is best for my daughter.  So I am just wondering how long/often do they actually work out.

My only other concern is regarding the guy - according to my ex's sister in law, who hates her and keeps me informed - he is a boring, not very attractive divorcee.  And she has also told me that she has been painting me as abusive to her family (no one buys it) so I assume he is overlooking the obvious warning signs - moving so fast after a five year relationship - because here is this over the top, sexy, beautiful woman that would normally be out of his league who needs a hero.

[Invictus01]

Can't save the world man... .He'll have to save himself... .

[HappyNihilist]

I would love nothing more than for them to have a great relationship and a happy marriage because I believe that is what is best for my daughter.  So I am just wondering how long/often do they actually work out.

There's no way to say, really. Look at the Staying boards - there are plenty of members here who've had 20+-year relationships with their BPD SOs. There are also plenty of borderlines who've never had a relationship lasting longer than a few years. And everything in between.

My only other concern is regarding the guy - according to my ex's sister in law, who hates her and keeps me informed - he is a boring, not very attractive divorcee. 

What in particular concerns you about him? Is it that he's overlooking red flags?

The "boring" type can sometimes turn out to be a stable partner for a pwBPD. And, just by the nature of the disorder, borderlines tend to have more stable relationships when they aren't super-attached to their partner - it prevents the worst of the attachment/engulfment fears from being triggered.

[Cleveland]

I guess on one hand I wasn't him to experience the same crap I did, so I'll know it wasn't me.

The other is how people can ignore the red flags.

I mean as a father himself off D13, how does he ignore them?

[Invictus01]

I guess on one hand I wasn't him to experience the same crap I did, so I'll know it wasn't me.

The other is how people can ignore the red flags.

I mean as a father himself off D13, how does he ignore them?

You know how the first 5-6 months go. You are the best guy who has ever lived on this planet. Tough to resist... .

[rlhmm]

he can ignore them easily if he's in the "fog". one other thing, if she was a cheater, chances are that won't stop either, no matter who she's with... .even if she doesn't experience the triggers of engulfment etc. with a "boring" or less attractive partner she may be compelled to stray because she feels she has this one, "hook, line, and sinker... .my opinion. what does everybody else think?

[Cleveland]

Can't save the world man... .He'll have to save himself... .

Just hit me, I'm so used to trying to save her, I feel the need to try and save someone... .

[rlhmm]

Can't save the world man... .He'll have to save himself... .

Just hit me, I'm so used to trying to save her, I feel the need to try and save someone... .

  save yourself man!   

[Cleveland]

Can't save the world man... .He'll have to save himself... .

Just hit me, I'm so used to trying to save her, I feel the need to try and save someone... .

  save yourself man!   

I am - new girl is helping.  In fact, I emailed my ex to tell her that I was introducing our daughter to her (a courtesy she did not extend to me) and that new girl was willing to communicate with her.  Put them in touch, and my ex decided to tell her that she had concerns for the new girl and her daughter knowing that they were getting involved with me.  I was upset a bit and had a million different ways to respond, but she just said that it is obvious to her that she was trying to start trouble and said we were not responding to that.

She's a good one. 

[rlhmm]

best of luck cleveland!

[anxiety5]

best of luck cleveland!

No replacements do not ever work out. I have a reverse order proof of this. My ex was married before I met her. As time went on I learned more about her husband, and ignored the things she said about him. He was a teddy bear. I nice guy. Totally nice guy. He left her. Why? She showed me e-mails. She was a totalitarian control freak, but he never fought her on anything. She would try to triangulate him but he never bit. She wore him down. When they got married she stopped showing affection, she ignored him, neglected him, raged when she was stressed, everything had to be her way, she slept in a different bedroom and belittled him about his career, etc.

You see, this guy never fought back. I'm completely opposite, assertive, stand up for myself and while I still had issues actually enforcing a boundary to the point of walking away, I by no means was a doormat and had no problem pointing out her hypocrisies when she would rage. You see, these are two dynamic differences with the commonality being her. If someone never argues with her, never challenges her, never defends themselves and never creates waves it's not like she loves them for going along with her. She just pushes the envelope to a point where she totally and completely ignores him, isolates him, and shuns him. Shows him no affection, no love and no respect. He fell out of love with her and left.

She told me he was boring... .

In my scenario, someone who defends themselves, is assertive, will leave when she rages or defend myself back, I ended up leaving her. She tried to control me, she cheated, betrayed me, she was contradictory, there was no win situations, there was perpetual manufactured chaos.

She told me I was exciting but I made her crazy... .

No human being could be devalued to the point of living with a shadow who refuses interaction and still remain in the relationship. It would get the best of even the most meek person.

Likewise nobody can tolerate the constant conflict with zero resolution, the chaos or the cheating and betrayal.

Replacements fall in one of these two categories and therefore all of us end up in the same place. Away from them in the end. The only variable is time frame.

[rlhmm]

best of luck cleveland!

No replacements do not ever work out. I have a reverse order proof of this. My ex was married before I met her. As time went on I learned more about her husband, and ignored the things she said about him. He was a teddy bear. I nice guy. Totally nice guy. He left her. Why? She showed me e-mails. She was a totalitarian control freak, but he never fought her on anything. She would try to triangulate him but he never bit. She wore him down. When they got married she stopped showing affection, she ignored him, neglected him, raged when she was stressed, everything had to be her way, she slept in a different bedroom and belittled him about his career, etc.

You see, this guy never fought back. I'm completely opposite, assertive, stand up for myself and while I still had issues actually enforcing a boundary to the point of walking away, I by no means was a doormat and had no problem pointing out her hypocrisies when she would rage. You see, these are two dynamic differences with the commonality being her. If someone never argues with her, never challenges her, never defends themselves and never creates waves it's not like she loves them for going along with her. She just pushes the envelope to a point where she totally and completely ignores him, isolates him, and shuns him. Shows him no affection, no love and no respect. He fell out of love with her and left.

She told me he was boring... .

In my scenario, someone who defends themselves, is assertive, will leave when she rages or defend myself back, I ended up leaving her. She tried to control me, she cheated, betrayed me, she was contradictory, there was no win situations, there was perpetual manufactured chaos.

She told me I was exciting but I made her crazy... .

No human being could be devalued to the point of living with a shadow who refuses interaction and still remain in the relationship. It would get the best of even the most meek person.

Likewise nobody can tolerate the constant conflict with zero resolution, the chaos or the cheating and betrayal.

Replacements fall in one of these two categories and therefore all of us end up in the same place. Away from them in the end. The only variable is time frame.

WOW! anxiety, we must have been living parallel lives i swear!  again you have nailed it!  my exBPDfiance's first husband was a door mat the same as yours and was treated the same way! every aspect you described! its uncanny!  i just had an oh ___ moment! like you, i was assertive and would challenge her. i left her in the end. now the replacement she is with is from what i have discovered is a door mat again... .enabler and he buys her gifts galore... .he seems to have money this one does... . so it would seem shes gone full circle! ultimately, the end will be the same time will tell... .the only reason she was with her ex for so long (16 yrs) was because she was active duty navy and wasnt present half of the time because of sea duty. she told me of countless affairs she had while she was tdy (temporary duty) elsewhere. (why did i think she would be any different?) duhhhh... .anyway, our relationship lasted just under 3. we were together every day. so i think exposure and personality type play a big role here... .come to think of it her parents are elderly and sleep in seperate rooms... .for quite some time. hmmm. wow! eye opening to say the least thanks again my friend!   

[anxiety5]

best of luck cleveland!

No replacements do not ever work out. I have a reverse order proof of this. My ex was married before I met her. As time went on I learned more about her husband, and ignored the things she said about him. He was a teddy bear. I nice guy. Totally nice guy. He left her. Why? She showed me e-mails. She was a totalitarian control freak, but he never fought her on anything. She would try to triangulate him but he never bit. She wore him down. When they got married she stopped showing affection, she ignored him, neglected him, raged when she was stressed, everything had to be her way, she slept in a different bedroom and belittled him about his career, etc.

You see, this guy never fought back. I'm completely opposite, assertive, stand up for myself and while I still had issues actually enforcing a boundary to the point of walking away, I by no means was a doormat and had no problem pointing out her hypocrisies when she would rage. You see, these are two dynamic differences with the commonality being her. If someone never argues with her, never challenges her, never defends themselves and never creates waves it's not like she loves them for going along with her. She just pushes the envelope to a point where she totally and completely ignores him, isolates him, and shuns him. Shows him no affection, no love and no respect. He fell out of love with her and left.

She told me he was boring... .

In my scenario, someone who defends themselves, is assertive, will leave when she rages or defend myself back, I ended up leaving her. She tried to control me, she cheated, betrayed me, she was contradictory, there was no win situations, there was perpetual manufactured chaos.

She told me I was exciting but I made her crazy... .

No human being could be devalued to the point of living with a shadow who refuses interaction and still remain in the relationship. It would get the best of even the most meek person.

Likewise nobody can tolerate the constant conflict with zero resolution, the chaos or the cheating and betrayal.

Replacements fall in one of these two categories and therefore all of us end up in the same place. Away from them in the end. The only variable is time frame.

WOW! anxiety, we must have been living parallel lives i swear!  again you have nailed it!  my exBPDfiance's first husband was a door mat the same as yours and was treated the same way! every aspect you described! its uncanny!  i just had an oh ___ moment! like you, i was assertive and would challenge her. i left her in the end. now the replacement she is with is from what i have discovered is a door mat again... .enabler and he buys her gifts galore... .he seems to have money this one does... . so it would seem shes gone full circle! ultimately, the end will be the same time will tell... .the only reason she was with her ex for so long (16 yrs) was because she was active duty navy and wasnt present half of the time because of sea duty. she told me of countless affairs she had while she was tdy (temporary duty) elsewhere. (why did i think she would be any different?) duhhhh... .anyway, our relationship lasted just under 3. we were together every day. so i think exposure and personality type play a big role here... .come to think of it her parents are elderly and sleep in seperate rooms... .for quite some time. hmmm. wow! eye opening to say the least thanks again my friend!   

It's crazy isn't it? But within the pathology rests our salvation. To know one BPD or NPD is to know all BPD or NPD. We have been given the gift of awareness. From politicians, to bosses, to old friends, I have identified other narcissistic people within my life in some capacity. I can see it from a mile away now. I hear it in their conversations. I sense it in their interactions. I trust my gut instincts now. I read somewhere the one sad thing about becoming emotionally healthy is you end up losing a lot of people in your life. I read this after I realized I began cutting certain people out. I actually felt guilty about it until I read that statement. Then I realized it wasn't me being a jerk, it was my emotional protective instinct that has been fine tuned that's protecting me. Through this realization and those that made me detach from what I once thought was a situation I could not see any end in sight, I've realized how much positive change I've made. Like anything in life that requires a major change, things always get hard before they get easier. And that's ok. It feels good to realize I'm on the right path.

I agree though, the parallels in the stories on here are so mind boggling, but that's the key to ensure that it never happens to us again. 

[rlhmm]

best of luck cleveland!

No replacements do not ever work out. I have a reverse order proof of this. My ex was married before I met her. As time went on I learned more about her husband, and ignored the things she said about him. He was a teddy bear. I nice guy. Totally nice guy. He left her. Why? She showed me e-mails. She was a totalitarian control freak, but he never fought her on anything. She would try to triangulate him but he never bit. She wore him down. When they got married she stopped showing affection, she ignored him, neglected him, raged when she was stressed, everything had to be her way, she slept in a different bedroom and belittled him about his career, etc.

You see, this guy never fought back. I'm completely opposite, assertive, stand up for myself and while I still had issues actually enforcing a boundary to the point of walking away, I by no means was a doormat and had no problem pointing out her hypocrisies when she would rage. You see, these are two dynamic differences with the commonality being her. If someone never argues with her, never challenges her, never defends themselves and never creates waves it's not like she loves them for going along with her. She just pushes the envelope to a point where she totally and completely ignores him, isolates him, and shuns him. Shows him no affection, no love and no respect. He fell out of love with her and left.

She told me he was boring... .

In my scenario, someone who defends themselves, is assertive, will leave when she rages or defend myself back, I ended up leaving her. She tried to control me, she cheated, betrayed me, she was contradictory, there was no win situations, there was perpetual manufactured chaos.

She told me I was exciting but I made her crazy... .

No human being could be devalued to the point of living with a shadow who refuses interaction and still remain in the relationship. It would get the best of even the most meek person.

Likewise nobody can tolerate the constant conflict with zero resolution, the chaos or the cheating and betrayal.

Replacements fall in one of these two categories and therefore all of us end up in the same place. Away from them in the end. The only variable is time frame.

WOW! anxiety, we must have been living parallel lives i swear!  again you have nailed it!  my exBPDfiance's first husband was a door mat the same as yours and was treated the same way! every aspect you described! its uncanny!  i just had an oh ___ moment! like you, i was assertive and would challenge her. i left her in the end. now the replacement she is with is from what i have discovered is a door mat again... .enabler and he buys her gifts galore... .he seems to have money this one does... . so it would seem shes gone full circle! ultimately, the end will be the same time will tell... .the only reason she was with her ex for so long (16 yrs) was because she was active duty navy and wasnt present half of the time because of sea duty. she told me of countless affairs she had while she was tdy (temporary duty) elsewhere. (why did i think she would be any different?) duhhhh... .anyway, our relationship lasted just under 3. we were together every day. so i think exposure and personality type play a big role here... .come to think of it her parents are elderly and sleep in seperate rooms... .for quite some time. hmmm. wow! eye opening to say the least thanks again my friend!   

It's crazy isn't it? But within the pathology rests our salvation. To know one BPD or NPD is to know all BPD or NPD. We have been given the gift of awareness. From politicians, to bosses, to old friends, I have identified other narcissistic people within my life in some capacity. I can see it from a mile away now. I hear it in their conversations. I sense it in their interactions. I trust my gut instincts now. I read somewhere the one sad thing about becoming emotionally healthy is you end up losing a lot of people in your life. I read this after I realized I began cutting certain people out. I actually felt guilty about it until I read that statement. Then I realized it wasn't me being a jerk, it was my emotional protective instinct that has been fine tuned that's protecting me. Through this realization and those that made me detach from what I once thought was a situation I could not see any end in sight, I've realized how much positive change I've made. Like anything in life that requires a major change, things always get hard before they get easier. And that's ok. It feels good to realize I'm on the right path.

I agree though, the parallels in the stories on here are so mind boggling, but that's the key to ensure that it never happens to us again. 

    it is absolutely crazy but its the nature of the illness itself... .someone said "its like they went to BPD school and they all follow the same play book."  unreal! its like you and i were with the same woman almost... .like you i admit to being on "high alert" now. i had a date a few weeks ago and picked up on the "signs" right away. i immediately excused myself and later got angry texts... .if i hadnt met her in person i would have swore it was my ex! self preservation is a good thing. if i hadnt experienced and learned from it i might have fallen prey again. yes i would certainly agree we ARE on the right path here.

[Invictus01]

It's crazy isn't it? But within the pathology rests our salvation. To know one BPD or NPD is to know all BPD or NPD. We have been given the gift of awareness. From politicians, to bosses, to old friends, I have identified other narcissistic people within my life in some capacity. I can see it from a mile away now. I hear it in their conversations. I sense it in their interactions. I trust my gut instincts now. I read somewhere the one sad thing about becoming emotionally healthy is you end up losing a lot of people in your life. I read this after I realized I began cutting certain people out. I actually felt guilty about it until I read that statement. Then I realized it wasn't me being a jerk, it was my emotional protective instinct that has been fine tuned that's protecting me. Through this realization and those that made me detach from what I once thought was a situation I could not see any end in sight, I've realized how much positive change I've made. Like anything in life that requires a major change, things always get hard before they get easier. And that's ok. It feels good to realize I'm on the right path.

I agree though, the parallels in the stories on here are so mind boggling, but that's the key to ensure that it never happens to us again. 

Not to be completely off subject... .but... .one of my former bosses from 3 years ago. NOBODY could get her behavior and how she got where she got without credentials or education and how her employees would go one by one from the best thing ever to being fired within 6-12 months. Not until I was forced to educate myself on why I was "fired" over night from my latest relationship did I understand who my former boss is. Now it will be SOO easy to see through all this BS and all these people... .

[rlhmm]

It's crazy isn't it? But within the pathology rests our salvation. To know one BPD or NPD is to know all BPD or NPD. We have been given the gift of awareness. From politicians, to bosses, to old friends, I have identified other narcissistic people within my life in some capacity. I can see it from a mile away now. I hear it in their conversations. I sense it in their interactions. I trust my gut instincts now. I read somewhere the one sad thing about becoming emotionally healthy is you end up losing a lot of people in your life. I read this after I realized I began cutting certain people out. I actually felt guilty about it until I read that statement. Then I realized it wasn't me being a jerk, it was my emotional protective instinct that has been fine tuned that's protecting me. Through this realization and those that made me detach from what I once thought was a situation I could not see any end in sight, I've realized how much positive change I've made. Like anything in life that requires a major change, things always get hard before they get easier. And that's ok. It feels good to realize I'm on the right path.

I agree though, the parallels in the stories on here are so mind boggling, but that's the key to ensure that it never happens to us again. 

Not to be completely off subject... .but... .one of my former bosses from 3 years ago. NOBODY could get her behavior and how she got where she got without credentials or education and how her employees would go one by one from the best thing ever to being fired within 6-12 months. Not until I was forced to educate myself on why I was "fired" over night from my latest relationship did I understand who my former boss is. Now it will be SOO easy to see through all this BS and all these people... .

    thats just the tip of the iceberg... .which is what sank the titanic... .stay tuned... .much more than meets the eye with this diabolical condition.

[Aussie JJ]

Most important thing is your time with your daughter, cant control your exs's time... .

I have found (there have been 4 that I know of) that the cycle of idolisation, devaluation, discard is pretty evident form the behaviours.  Mine went to the park with me and played with my son about 2 months before she broke up with the longest running one.  With the next their were 2 at once, one became bad all of a sudden and she was enfatuated with the other. 

Not my problem you see... . 

I think that actually having someone that is a bit of a narc with some machoistic traits is a perfect partner for her... .  Different people have written aout this so many times its goign over old ground but essentially who cares... .  Hopefully she will find him one day ^_^

In the mean time, she has stability going from multiple relationships without the fighting as she moves on.  I would prefer my son be exposed to multiple different men in her life than the fighting if she tries to maintain a relationship. 

Look after yourself and don't stress about it IMO. 


AJJ. 

[clydegriffith]

There's too many variables to be able to answer the subject question. How bad the BPD is and the personality of the replacement will have a lot to do with how long things last. In my case, the BPDx was chasing a married guy while at the same time strining me along saying she wanted to work things out. I broke up with her before she had anyone ready to committ so she continued her chase of the married guy but he wouldn't leave his wife for her. She was engaged to another guy 6 motnhs later, and less than a year after that engaged to someone else and pregnant. Can't wait for the next surprise.

[JohnLove]

Just hit me, I'm so used to trying to save her, I feel the need to try and save someone... .

WHACK!... .sorry, but you asked for it. 

I am - new girl is helping.  In fact, I emailed my ex to tell her that I was introducing our daughter to her (a courtesy she did not extend to me) and that new girl was willing to communicate with her.  Put them in touch, and my ex decided to tell her that she had concerns for the new girl and her daughter knowing that they were getting involved with me.  I was upset a bit and had a million different ways to respond, but she just said that it is obvious to her that she was trying to start trouble and said we were not responding to that.

She's a good one. 

Trying to behave as you would expect from your BPDex and expecting appreciation is fraught with disappointment. I see you weren't disappointed. 

Offering to put your new girlfriend in touch would seem on the surface to be an agreeable expression but to me it smacks of vengeance. Your exBPD was already smearing you to family so how else did you expect her to behave?. How did you expect her to behave when I suspect you knew it would trigger her abandonment fears?. I know she already left but you understand that much of the time BPD makes no real sense.

Your new girlfriend sounds like a non... .but be careful... .if she buys in to anything your BPDex said (and doesnt mention it) that women will go to "lengths" to protect their children. Read lengths as distance... .from you.

I hope your new relationship is everything you want it to be. Cheers. 

[iluminati]

Can't save the world man... .He'll have to save himself... .

I'm sorry but this video came to mind.  It just fits.  LOL

Still, every relationship is different.  I was with my exBPDw for 7 years, married 6.  There are people on leaving after a few months, and there are people on Staying with 25+ years.  It all varies.

[Cleveland]

Just hit me, I'm so used to trying to save her, I feel the need to try and save someone... .

WHACK!... .sorry, but you asked for it. 

I am - new girl is helping.  In fact, I emailed my ex to tell her that I was introducing our daughter to her (a courtesy she did not extend to me) and that new girl was willing to communicate with her.  Put them in touch, and my ex decided to tell her that she had concerns for the new girl and her daughter knowing that they were getting involved with me.  I was upset a bit and had a million different ways to respond, but she just said that it is obvious to her that she was trying to start trouble and said we were not responding to that.

She's a good one. 

Trying to behave as you would expect from your BPDex and expecting appreciation is fraught with disappointment. I see you weren't disappointed. 

Offering to put your new girlfriend in touch would seem on the surface to be an agreeable expression but to me it smacks of vengeance. Your exBPD was already smearing you to family so how else did you expect her to behave?. How did you expect her to behave when I suspect you knew it would trigger her abandonment fears?. I know she already left but you understand that much of the time BPD makes no real sense.

Your new girlfriend sounds like a non... .but be careful... .if she buys in to anything your BPDex said (and doesnt mention it) that women will go to "lengths" to protect their children. Read lengths as distance... .from you.

I hope your new relationship is everything you want it to be. Cheers. 

My buddy has always had great perspective on life.  His take on the whole thing is to always extend the respect you want even if you don't get it in return.  Over time it adds up, and honestly I feel better because I know I've done the right thing.

The important thing is to not do it to be the bigger person, because that is ultimately an ego stroke.  You have to do it for the right reasons.  For example we argued about who would keep the stroller.  I ultimately realized that my ex would use it more.  That was good for my daughter.  It is also good for my ex because walking seems to calm her, and a calmer, happier mom is also better for my D.

I feel like with a three year old, you should let the ex know about the person that will be involved in their life.  In the beginning I would have liked to meet the guy that my daughter lives with.  At this point it is pointless.  But it was out of respect to her as my child's mother to know about her and possibly her. 

And it seems that by doing so, even though she didn't is going to help my cause with the custody master according to my lawyer. 

[raisins3142]

best of luck cleveland!

No replacements do not ever work out. I have a reverse order proof of this. My ex was married before I met her. As time went on I learned more about her husband, and ignored the things she said about him. He was a teddy bear. I nice guy. Totally nice guy. He left her. Why? She showed me e-mails. She was a totalitarian control freak, but he never fought her on anything. She would try to triangulate him but he never bit. She wore him down. When they got married she stopped showing affection, she ignored him, neglected him, raged when she was stressed, everything had to be her way, she slept in a different bedroom and belittled him about his career, etc.

You see, this guy never fought back. I'm completely opposite, assertive, stand up for myself and while I still had issues actually enforcing a boundary to the point of walking away, I by no means was a doormat and had no problem pointing out her hypocrisies when she would rage. You see, these are two dynamic differences with the commonality being her. If someone never argues with her, never challenges her, never defends themselves and never creates waves it's not like she loves them for going along with her. She just pushes the envelope to a point where she totally and completely ignores him, isolates him, and shuns him. Shows him no affection, no love and no respect. He fell out of love with her and left.

She told me he was boring... .

In my scenario, someone who defends themselves, is assertive, will leave when she rages or defend myself back, I ended up leaving her. She tried to control me, she cheated, betrayed me, she was contradictory, there was no win situations, there was perpetual manufactured chaos.

She told me I was exciting but I made her crazy... .

No human being could be devalued to the point of living with a shadow who refuses interaction and still remain in the relationship. It would get the best of even the most meek person.

Likewise nobody can tolerate the constant conflict with zero resolution, the chaos or the cheating and betrayal.

Replacements fall in one of these two categories and therefore all of us end up in the same place. Away from them in the end. The only variable is time frame.

Yep, told my uBPDexgf that only a doormat would put up with her lying and other bad behaviors and that she would never be attracted to a doormat.  Catch-22 BPD style.