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Just learning in recent weeks that my mother is likely a BPD. A friend that is taking NAMI classes gave me info that literally has turned on a light in my life. Reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" is like reading the story of my life! My 5 siblings and I have always known that something in our home wasn't right. We have always struggled in our relationships with our BPD. Dad has said from our childhood on that something isn't right with her, but has always chosen to let her do what she wants for the sake of peace... .though there never has been any real peace. I am a bit overwhelmed at everything I'm learning, but am finally starting to understand myself.

Before I learned this, another "episode" occurred in the family, and all contact with parents was cut off 4 months ago by three of us siblings. This time BPD turned on one of her grandchildren, and I just decided enough was enough. Tried confronting them about her attack and lies. Of course, as usual she denies everything... .we are all liars according to her. It was very difficult to make this decision and has been very stressful. But at the same time, it is rather nice not having to deal with her and her issues... .which makes me feel guilty.

A close friend doesn't understand why I can't just drop the issue, because after all they are in their 70's and have health issues. I can't make my friend understand that it's not just about one issue, it's about how we were treated our whole life... .and are still treated this way... .and also the grandkids... .I see now that it will likely never change, never end. I'm just not sure what the next step is... .do I try and pick up the pieces, or leave them where they fell? There's also broken relationships among us adult kids, a division, because some want the others to just drop the whole thing. Yet I feel that I made a big leap in a better direction... .any thoughts?

[Iris28]

Just learning in recent weeks that my mother is likely a BPD. A friend that is taking NAMI classes gave me info that literally has turned on a light in my life. Reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother" is like reading the story of my life! My 5 siblings and I have always known that something in our home wasn't right. We have always struggled in our relationships with our BPD. Dad has said from our childhood on that something isn't right with her, but has always chosen to let her do what she wants for the sake of peace... .though there never has been any real peace. I am a bit overwhelmed at everything I'm learning, but am finally starting to understand myself.

Before I learned this, another "episode" occurred in the family, and all contact with parents was cut off 4 months ago by three of us siblings. This time BPD turned on one of her grandchildren, and I just decided enough was enough. Tried confronting them about her attack and lies. Of course, as usual she denies everything... .we are all liars according to her. It was very difficult to make this decision and has been very stressful. But at the same time, it is rather nice not having to deal with her and her issues... .which makes me feel guilty.

A close friend doesn't understand why I can't just drop the issue, because after all they are in their 70's and have health issues. I can't make my friend understand that it's not just about one issue, it's about how we were treated our whole life... .and are still treated this way... .and also the grandkids... .I see now that it will likely never change, never end. I'm just not sure what the next step is... .do I try and pick up the pieces, or leave them where they fell? There's also broken relationships among us adult kids, a division, because some want the others to just drop the whole thing. Yet I feel that I made a big leap in a better direction... .any thoughts?

[Harri]

Hi Iris.   

I think the best thing to do right now is just keep reading and learning more about BPD.  As you do that, chances are you are going to remember things from the past and have to re-process them given your new found knowledge.  So give it time and yourself some space before making decision about how to proceed from here. 

I agree that you have made a big leap in a better direction!  Being a bit overwhelmed is totally understandable.  There is no rush to learn or make decisions.  The collective wisdom and experience on this board is a valuable tool so keep reading and posting here too.  We can help you sort things through and support you as you navigate along this new path.  The lessons and the survivors guide listed over on the right side of this page are excellent resources so when you can, read those links.

Again, I am glad you posted. 

[Turkish]

Hello Iris28,

It must feel invalidating to have a close friend not understand what you are going through. I am lucky enough to have two close childhood friends who witnessed (and one still does) the behaviors of my BPD mother. Unfortunately, their eyes tend to glaze over when I talk about BPD specifically. Only those of us with BPD loved ones (or not loved ones) can truly understand, so you're in good company here  



No matter how much your parents or others may try to lay guilt trips on you, your children are now your primary family, and they need to be protected, so kudos for following your motherly instincts.

Turkish

[Ziggiddy]

hi Iris28 and welcome aboard!

it is often a great relief to people to find out that the odd behaviour in a parent may come form BPD.

It gives you a place to work from and a real opportunity to learn skills to cope with the effects. BPD effects every member of the family and it is quite common to have siblings who don't feel connected in the way others seem to be.

This may be caused by the BPD affected person having a less than healthy impact on the family as well as not modeling or teaching appropriate interpersonal skills to their kids. I feel quite disconnected from my younger sister and am only now working hard to find a better r/ship with my brother.

I can understand how difficult it must have been to decide to cut off contact with your mother. It's important to protect yourself your children and your boundaries and sometimes, unfortunately going NC is the only effective way to do that. You made a courageous and difficult decision.

As far as guilt goes, I would point out that us children of BPD parents often have a distorted sense of what is owed to them especially as they encourage us to take responsibility for their feelings and tend to disown their own roles in their problems. in effectw e become responsible for all the bad things that happen to them - or at least are expected to fix it and they take the credit for all the good things. This is a function of a lack  of true sense of self and not at all connected with reality.

As your mother, she should take care of YOUR feelings and be the proactive one in keeping the peace - that is the usual role of a mother! Just look at how you yourself would handle the same conflicts if they were between you and YOUR children.

As far as picking up the pieces or leaving them where they fell - what do YOU want to do? Really? because you can fully choose to do whatever you want! I hope you do what makes you happiest and brings you peace

Ziggiddy

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