Putting up boundaries without being passive aggressive - need help, please.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, something about boundaries, or doing what is best form e or something like that.

I’m struggling with something. I need an advise so I’d appreciate your help.

Five months after I had broken up with my girlfriend I started an affair. By that time both of us didn’t know where this was going. So it wasn’t really an affair. I didn’t see him very often because we live two hours away but that was fine. We see each other every month once. By the end of December I asked him what this thing between us ment for him. I just wanted to know, I wasn’t sure myself. He told me he cares about me very much, loves my company and and spending time with me, that he sees potential in this thing and that it’s not just about the sex. But he also said that because of his last relationship (seems his exGF had many traits of BPD as well) right now he want’s to take it easy and that right now there’s not enough time left for a serious relationship. That’s not what I need advice about. It was fine for me, he was being honest. I also didn’t feel used or abused in any way. So no blame here. I agreed with him to take it easy and just enjoy the time when being together because it wasn’t just having sex with each other. We had a lot of fun and great conversations as well, he cooked for me, treated me very good. As I said before, no abuse at all.

But the turning point for me came when I also decided to put up some boundaries regarding my exBPDgf (in case you wonder, I’m female, bisexual and my ex was a female and my affair now is a guy). Last week I burned every possible bridge for her to try to reconcile. I thought about the relationship a lot because in the last weeks a year ago we approached each other and this exact day today we got together. So I really am thinking about this a lot still. It again made me realize that I never really put up boundaries, that I always let everything happen and that I neven even asked myself if I’m fine with what was happening. I realized I need to learn putting up boundaries, I need to learn to speak my mind and stuff.

Regarding the situation with the guy now I realized that I don’t want an affair with him. It’s not that I’m head over heels in love with him. I’m at a point now I could develop strong feelings for him and I know I would if something would change. But I also would be okay (of course sad, but well, that’s life) stopping this whole thing between him and me if he really just wanted an affair. I’m not someone falling easily in love with people, I’m not someone usually rushing into relationships and with that guy it more would’ve been something along the way „Let’s see where this is going. Let’s just try and see.“ So no big expectations from my side. I have to admit, I don’t really know what he wants anymore. We had that talk regarding us in late December, now it’s late February. And maybe I should ask him some time again. But right now I just feel like withdrawing. And that’s my problem. I’m not sure if that’s okay. I’m not sure if that means I’m being passive aggressive and giving silent treatment and being abusive, if I’m turning borderline. I can’t stress enough that I’m not doing this to test him, to get a reaction. It’s no ___ test. I really need some time to think through want I want and what I don’t want. So I even wrote him „Hey. Am thinking about many things right now. I’ll get in touch if I figured out myself. Have fun tonight.“ (He told me he would go to a concert tonight so I made sure to put the „Have fun tonight“ in it to not sound cold or something).

So here comes the problem – the problem I always had and which always prevent me from putting up boundaries or speaking my mind. I am afraid I just hurt him with that statement. I also am afraid he might see and take it as passive aggressive and abuse. I don’t want to turn borderline. I don’t want to give silent treatment, I don’t want to punish him, abuse him, be passive aggressive or something like that. I don’t know if it’s right to speak my mind in saying „I need tot hink things through“ or not. It could be viewed in a manipulative way. I don’t want to manipulate him. Taking time off is about me and figuring out what I want. Because in this case (he’s mentally healthy) it takes two to Tango. He didn#t do aynthing wrong when saying to take it easy, I just realized that that if I allow him to take it easy I say yes to it. But I don’t want to say yes to it anymore. That’s the huge mistake I did with my exBPDgf, I enabled her.

So my question basically for you: did I do the right thing? Was I being passive aggressive? It’s not that this came out of the blue. In the last weeks I realized I withdrew more and more, took more time to answer (not consciously to test him) and I just didn’t want to make him feel like my exBPDgf made me feel when giving the silent treatment or only answering two or three days later or something, so I needed to tell him. As I said before, I didn’t want to abuse him or hurt him.

It really is my biggest problem in life: putting up boundaries, following my own wishes and needs, once putting myself first, speaking my mind. I just feel like I can’t do it properly. I always feel like if I’m putting up boundaries I’m being egoistic, narcissistic, abusive and stuff. It’s my biggest fear actually. And you know why? Because I do have some NPD-traits and I make sure to not let them through but sometimes I can’t distinguish between healthy narcissism (as in putting up boundaries and stuff) and unhealthy narcissism. My fear of hurting other people is so big, it dominated (and still does) my whole life).

Can someone help me? How do you put up boundaries properly without hurting someone?

[misty_red]

So, something about boundaries, or doing what is best form e or something like that.

I’m struggling with something. I need an advise so I’d appreciate your help.

Five months after I had broken up with my girlfriend I started an affair. By that time both of us didn’t know where this was going. So it wasn’t really an affair. I didn’t see him very often because we live two hours away but that was fine. We see each other every month once. By the end of December I asked him what this thing between us ment for him. I just wanted to know, I wasn’t sure myself. He told me he cares about me very much, loves my company and and spending time with me, that he sees potential in this thing and that it’s not just about the sex. But he also said that because of his last relationship (seems his exGF had many traits of BPD as well) right now he want’s to take it easy and that right now there’s not enough time left for a serious relationship. That’s not what I need advice about. It was fine for me, he was being honest. I also didn’t feel used or abused in any way. So no blame here. I agreed with him to take it easy and just enjoy the time when being together because it wasn’t just having sex with each other. We had a lot of fun and great conversations as well, he cooked for me, treated me very good. As I said before, no abuse at all.

But the turning point for me came when I also decided to put up some boundaries regarding my exBPDgf (in case you wonder, I’m female, bisexual and my ex was a female and my affair now is a guy). Last week I burned every possible bridge for her to try to reconcile. I thought about the relationship a lot because in the last weeks a year ago we approached each other and this exact day today we got together. So I really am thinking about this a lot still. It again made me realize that I never really put up boundaries, that I always let everything happen and that I neven even asked myself if I’m fine with what was happening. I realized I need to learn putting up boundaries, I need to learn to speak my mind and stuff.

Regarding the situation with the guy now I realized that I don’t want an affair with him. It’s not that I’m head over heels in love with him. I’m at a point now I could develop strong feelings for him and I know I would if something would change. But I also would be okay (of course sad, but well, that’s life) stopping this whole thing between him and me if he really just wanted an affair. I’m not someone falling easily in love with people, I’m not someone usually rushing into relationships and with that guy it more would’ve been something along the way „Let’s see where this is going. Let’s just try and see.“ So no big expectations from my side. I have to admit, I don’t really know what he wants anymore. We had that talk regarding us in late December, now it’s late February. And maybe I should ask him some time again. But right now I just feel like withdrawing. And that’s my problem. I’m not sure if that’s okay. I’m not sure if that means I’m being passive aggressive and giving silent treatment and being abusive, if I’m turning borderline. I can’t stress enough that I’m not doing this to test him, to get a reaction. It’s no ___ test. I really need some time to think through want I want and what I don’t want. So I even wrote him „Hey. Am thinking about many things right now. I’ll get in touch if I figured out myself. Have fun tonight.“ (He told me he would go to a concert tonight so I made sure to put the „Have fun tonight“ in it to not sound cold or something).

So here comes the problem – the problem I always had and which always prevent me from putting up boundaries or speaking my mind. I am afraid I just hurt him with that statement. I also am afraid he might see and take it as passive aggressive and abuse. I don’t want to turn borderline. I don’t want to give silent treatment, I don’t want to punish him, abuse him, be passive aggressive or something like that. I don’t know if it’s right to speak my mind in saying „I need tot hink things through“ or not. It could be viewed in a manipulative way. I don’t want to manipulate him. Taking time off is about me and figuring out what I want. Because in this case (he’s mentally healthy) it takes two to Tango. He didn#t do aynthing wrong when saying to take it easy, I just realized that that if I allow him to take it easy I say yes to it. But I don’t want to say yes to it anymore. That’s the huge mistake I did with my exBPDgf, I enabled her.

So my question basically for you: did I do the right thing? Was I being passive aggressive? It’s not that this came out of the blue. In the last weeks I realized I withdrew more and more, took more time to answer (not consciously to test him) and I just didn’t want to make him feel like my exBPDgf made me feel when giving the silent treatment or only answering two or three days later or something, so I needed to tell him. As I said before, I didn’t want to abuse him or hurt him.

It really is my biggest problem in life: putting up boundaries, following my own wishes and needs, once putting myself first, speaking my mind. I just feel like I can’t do it properly. I always feel like if I’m putting up boundaries I’m being egoistic, narcissistic, abusive and stuff. It’s my biggest fear actually. And you know why? Because I do have some NPD-traits and I make sure to not let them through but sometimes I can’t distinguish between healthy narcissism (as in putting up boundaries and stuff) and unhealthy narcissism. My fear of hurting other people is so big, it dominated (and still does) my whole life).

Can someone help me? How do you put up boundaries properly without hurting someone?

[Pingo]

Hi misty_red, I can relate to your worries about boundaries hurting other people... .I've had this problem also. As long as you are being honest, I don't think you are being manipulative or passive aggressive. You cannot control how other people will react to anything (trust me, I've tried!  ). Why are their feelings more important than your own? You have a right to follow your own feelings. You are responsible for you. If this guy is respectful, he'll grant you the space you need.

[misty_red]

Pingo, thanks for your response.

It's so weird, you know. I now am afraid he might be angry with me or something. I'm still so used to such behaviour because of my exBPDgf.

I got no response to my message and it's really not that I needed one as in "I'm doing a ___-test and want a proper reaction". That's not it. But because of the lack of response in general my feelings of anxiety are triggered again. Like my exBPDgf used to not respond when something was going on/she was angry with me. Normally - as I used to do with my exBPDgf - I would reach out again say something like "I hope you're not angry with me.". But I won't do that anymore, because that would make him feel like it's a ___-test even more. I have to get through that fear of them being angry. For once it's about me and what I want and not what they want. I can't always deny myself my rights and wishes. I'm so used to getting punished (since childhood) that after a while I took on this behaviour and started punishing myself in depriving me any rights. Guess that's also the reason I get involved with cluster b-people in general. This guy isn't, but nearly all the women/men before him where like that. No wonder, my dad's a classical narcissist (maybe that's the reason I have some NPD-traits and/or are afraid of being narcissistic), my mother has suffered from depression ever since and even tried to commit suicide and I suspect her of BPD, my sister is a diagnosed borderline. So yeah, I can't go on like that. I need to get out of this ___hole for once.

I don't want to generalize here, but I think many people who are involved with cluster b-people do at least in some degree have some cluster b-traits as well. Many I guess as co-dependents. That's not neccesarily bad, it's about if you are a reflecting person I think. Because you after all have a choice how to act.

So, anyway. On the other hand it feels good to look after myself. To think about what I want. It gives me freedom and inner peace to be able to decide for myself.

[Pingo]

Misty_red, I can totally relate to that feeling you are experiencing, wondering if he'll reply, wondering if you should send the follow up text asking if you've upset him... .I know that extremely uncomfortable feeling of not knowing. I've wrapped up so much of my self-worth in what others think of me, it's no wonder! A thought just popped in my head while reading your post. For myself, that feeling is excruciating! I want it to end. I want some kind of confirmation that the other person isn't upset. And I do what I can to get rid of that yucky feeling (through many dysfunctional coping mechanisms). And if I find out they are indeed upset, I get defensive and feel even worse! So what if we just sit with that uncomfortable feeling. Not run from it, not try to get rid of it by chasing down the other person looking for a response to make us feel better. Just allow it to be. Maybe journal about it. I think this is the key. The more we can sit with that difficult feeling, the less power it will have over us. Maybe then we'll learn that our self-worth doesn't come from what others think of us. We can learn that we may in fact offend or hurt another's feelings and yet still survive and know we are a still a worthy person despite this.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm a little confused about your situation... .and what I see isn't really a boundary enforcement issue. Let me make a really quick summary as I understand it:

You broke up with exBPDgf. That is done (at least as a romantic r/s)

You started a r/s with somebody new five months later. That relationship is semi-long-distance, and has developed kinda slowly, and ambiguously.

You aren't sure how much you want to put into it.

You aren't sure how much he is willing to put into it.

I think you want a relationship with more commitment than you currently have with this guy.

You are feeling the need to create distance from him, and aren't feeling clear and comfortable with this feeling.


... .do I have your situation right? (I'll reserve questions and answers for after that.)