Family and drama

[Mutt]

I'm sharing this because a month ago I shared with family that my ex partner is pregnant with her rebound boyfriend. Personally I don't think it's a wise choice because it was quickly after they had moved in and rebound r/s' s have odds against them; although they can work. It's not my business.

I came to the realization that I was enabling karpman drama triangles sometimes by means of what I was sharing with family regarding my ex, her personal life and casting her in the role of persecutor. I didn't have boundaries with family and I was allowing them to get involved in my stuff.

I think that they mean well. I have close relationships with my biological mother and my sister from my adoptive family.

My mother works in mental health and I don't agree with her perspective with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm a person  that doesn't like drama because it triggers negative feelings of anxiety and stress. I think that I had more difficulties setting softer boundaries with family in comparison with harder boundaries with my ex.  I found it maintained a certain level of uncomfortable stress in my life that I wanted to eject. My kids need me; I try to take care of myself and my mental health and it's not fair for me to have unwarranted stress that I can choose to take or leave.  I co-parent with a person with BPD traits and it can be incredibly challenging. I needed to draw lines for my well being.

With wisdom and guidance from a friend I came to terms that my ex is likely not going to change. It feels like every so often there's some type of drama that's introduced into my life and usually through my kids by my ex 's impulsitivity. This last news from the aforementioned pregnancy.

With that being said I usually talk to family members that have misguided advice or are invalidating and their hearts are in the right place. What bothers me with my mom is the lack of compassion that she has for pwBPD and being dramatic in the sense with inflections on things like how she has an attachment with me and will never let me go; her words. I come to terms that my mom and I have different perspectives when it comes to BPD; different camps. I think that she worries about me and is protective of her son.

On the other hand I have my sister that it took me many years to come to understand her own controlling codependency behaviors and lack of boundaries. I know that she cares for me and what stresses me is her lack of compassion as well with my ex, invalidating my feelings and sometimes I feel like she's asking  about things and getting involved in my stuff with support that is misplaced.

At times I feel like I understand the place my ex comes from more so than family; she has specific toxic like behaviors that I can see with established patterns. Above all they show sympathy and empathy towards me; are protective and loving of me. They lack the understanding of the difficult path sometimes with a pwBPD after the split and their help advice can be more harm than good. They also don't understand that what hurts my feelings is the lack of compassion they have for my kids mom and sometimes I find they introduce more drama unwittingly. I accept that this is how they are with ideals and it is their personalities.

I choose to move to the center of either polarized sides and have found that life is more manageable. I feel competent and confident that I cope well and when I need support I either turn to friends that understand BPD, turn to BPD FAMILY for support or check in every so often in therapy when I feel the need. I live this day to day, they don't. I also feel that I have a strong sense of self and know that what I am doing is right for me.

I have told my mom that I have stopped minimal contact with my ex partner to try to ameliorate the relationship for the sake of the kids. I could sense that they felt tension when mom and dad had little to no exchanges at pick ups and drop offs and I'm sure that there things that fall through the cracks and I may hear about it from the kids when they are older.

The pay off is that I feel better with my decision to bridge a gap for both families, setting boundaries with my family which feels good and the kids seem happier. I feel like family sometimes can make unwarranted drama. I also found that minimal contact is not a one size fits all;  I feel like I can communicate with my ex and take things less personal than a year or two ago.

[Blimblam]

It sounds like you made a lot of progress mutt. I can relate to family that often seem to want to take some kind of dramatic stand when what one is looking for is just some validation and soothing.  It makes it difficult to communicate for fear of things being twisted around. 

[sweetheart]

It's a really useful post thanks Mutt it has much resonance for me.

I too have been caught with my mum and sister in triangulating with my h whilst looking for support and validation. What I got was an ' oh well you made your bed now lie in it ' response. ( thanks mum  ) I am guilty of saying too much about my h in a fashion that is not productive for either me or my marriage. Like you I was looking for support, but at a deeper level I am aware that my family were never happy about my relationship with my h (so why go there for support ) and when they were unsupportive I was able to displace a lot of my anger at the issues within my marriage and direct it at my mum. ( this was promptly deposited with my T  )

For me I now realise that dealing with all things BPD is better when the person I am asking for support from has an understanding of the complexities of this illness.