What do I say? How do I get a direct Answer?

[Shottsy85]

My BPbf and I are supposed to be moving TOMORROW it is the final countdown. Lots of drama has happened. We lost the roommate we were supposed to have because he basically sexualy harassed her behind my back and even though she is fine with still being friends EVEN with him, she wasn' comfortable living with us. Anyways, my bf was supposed to be getting everything together for having help moving. I had a feeling we weren't going ot have the help so I had a backup and have movers booked, but I still need as much help as possible so that I don't have to pay in full.

My best friend who is no longer living with us offered to help move stuff for me as well. However, I wanted to make sure my BPbf was comfortable with this. I tried to ask him if he was ok with it. He kept changing things like "If she doesn't say anything to me." Then he would say empty threat things like "I'll kick her in the throat" to which I reminded him of my boundary not ot speak badly about my friend. I haven't wanted to have sex with him since all of this has come about and I told him I need time, but he acts like a victim with that too... As I reminded him you being a jerk is precisely what I was talking about when I said I need you to be nicer and show that you are actually working on things for me to do that again for a bit. (It's been a little more than a week.)

He at first said flippantly, "If she actually shows up and is actually useful." I asked him to please not be rude about my friend, and is he ok with her coming or not, because I don't want to make him uncomfortable and I need his help.

Anyways long story short I CLEARLY asked him will I still have your help if she comes to help move boxes? He kept cycling and repeating ":)o what you want to do." I asked him what that meant? Does that mean I can count on your help as well? I don't want to have her come if that means you won't help as you can lift more than her and I need you this is OUR house." ":)o what you want to do." "What does that mean?" "It means do what you want to do! It's not my fault if you can't understand English" "Sop being a jerk that is what we talked about, and you are being really rude. Why can't you just give me a straight answer to a straight question? Can I count on you or not? Will you help if she is here? Or should I not have her come?" Still no answer and he got escalated and pissy and stormed off. I am really panicking now and worried he will just bail on me and blame it on my friend being here if she is, but we have literally ONE person coming we THINK besides the 2 men and a truck movers. I am also worried if she DOESN"T come he will then use that to say again, "see you can't count on her." And try and manipulate me further as to why she isn't a good friend because she bailed on living with us. (Even though he caused it, and still can't take responsibility. He can only admit that what he did was wrong, but wants to continuously villainize her regarding her no longer moving in with us.)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Cat Familiar]

Wow! This is really classic BPDspeak. Moving is challenging for everyone; for pwBPD it must be overwhelming!

I know you are hoping for a commitment and he just wants to keep things open-ended.   

My ex-husband was like this. Even though things were his responsibility, if he didn't feel like it at the moment, he'd just leave and let others take up his end of things. It's really unfair and difficult to be in relationship with someone who can so casually shuffle off their commitments.

My current husband says the ":)o what you want to do" line. It is galling to not be able to get an opinion or a commitment from someone.

I think you just have to do what you think is best and that it will ultimately work out, but I'm really sorry that you can't get a firm answer from your bf.

[Notwendy]

This is a complicated situation and I am sorry you are having such difficulty. It may help to think of this as three different people relating to each other- what you can do and what you can not do.

You have three people- you, bf, and friend. The only person you can control is you.

Who is responsible for paying the lease, utilities, and the movers?

You can't get a direct answer from your bf unless he choses to. Actually, you can't control anything he ( or anyone) is going to do. So, basically, you can ask him to help, but you can't force him to do that or anything else. If he is not going to take on his part of being responsible for the move, then all you can do is decide to take it on yourself, or make other arangements.

If you are not certain that your bf will carry his responsibilities as a room mate, then you need to be prepared to take that on yourself if he does not.

You were courteous to ask if he minded that your friend was helping. He had the choice to give you an answer, and he did not. Now you have to choose what you wish to do.

Your friend is kind enough to help regardless. She sounds like a good friend.

[waverider]

First off you are putting the decision in his hands, he is using that to play power games leaving you in limbo and disempowered.

What I would do is either make your decision to not have her help as it may cause drama. Or decide she is coming unless he says definitely not. That is, the default is she helps, unless he makes a decision otherwise.

Be prepared if she helps he will have you over a barrel trying to enforce your boundary about not being rude to her. What you going to do if he is? How are you going to define rude? There is potential for a lot of game playing passive rudeness.

If he effectively downs tools due to her being there you are not going to be any better off.

Can she cope if he is rude?

Moving is stressful, do you want to add more layers?

[Shottsy85]

Thank you all for your advice. I went ahead and had my friend help and I'm so glad I did. My BPbf was only rude by ignoring her and pretending she wasn't there just not acknowledging her presence very childish and passive aggressively. Out of 28 friends we reached out to and at least 6 saying they would help only 2 showed up the day of including my friend. So I am glad I madevthe decision and even though my BPbf refused to acknowledge it, I could see even though she isn't moving in with us I can still count on her. There was little drama except now he is going off about my brother being "worthless" etc now saying that he wants nothing to do with him because he didn't come help. My brother honestly feels very uncomfortable around the toxic crap right now and is upset at what my bf did as he doesn't want to be in the middle. My BPbf and brother have been very close and this hurt the relationship so now my BF seems to just be writing him off. This has all been very hard.

[waverider]

Hard times show us who are real friends are.