feeling really guilty and anxious

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi guys. I just need to get this out because it's been overwhelming lately. I'm trying to fight off an anxiety attack so sorry for any mistakes... .

My father left when I was little and it's only in the last decade that he and I have started talking. Lately it's been pretty regular but in the last week or so we got on to the topic of my mother. They have both hated each other as long as I can remember. He apologized for not always being a good father (or, as my mother would say, "not being a father at all" and that got us to me telling him that Mom wasn't always so great either. It was a long email and when I wrote it, it seemed totally rational and measured but then after I hit send... .Ugh. My heart has been racing and I can't think of anything else. Did I say too much? Did I betray my mother by conceding her flaws to someone who I know hates her? Will he reject me for being real and raw the way my mother said he was incapable of dealing with? How much of what my mother has told me about him is true? Is he the type of man who will reject me for being open?

I feel guilty for saying anything bad about her but especially to him. My mother would never forgive me and I can't believe I did it. But at the same time, I had my partner read the email I sent and he told me there was nothing in it that I should feel bad or guilty over that I was freaking out over nothing. And while that should have made me feel better it actually made it worse somehow because I realized just how vulnerable I am when it comes to my parents and my upbringing. Like... .that I'm so used to my mother exploding into tears or a rage anytime there was anything she perceived as a rejection that I can't even tell when I've crossed a line.

I know on some level that all of this isn't my fault. I do. But knowing it isn't making this feeling of guilt and anxiety go away.

And then I start to think of all the good times with my mother - how could I possibly say these things about her? What kind of daughter does that make me? What kind of human? It's not like she was physically or sexually abusive to me. I feel shame calling what she did emotional abuse - as though I'm exaggerating what I went through. And it's true that so many have had it worse than I have. But... .the fact that I feel guilt speaking truthfully about her, that I make excuses for her ill-actions, that I'm scared of upsetting her or her finding things out because she'll be so upset... .those are classic abuse symptoms, aren't they?

But when do I finally let all this go. I thought I was doing so much better since I found out about the BPD last summer. I even had a moment a month ago where I really thought I'd had a breakthrough but today it feels like nothing has changed at all.

I'm sorry this is so long. If you've made it this far, thanks.

[K1313]

Hi guys. I just need to get this out because it's been overwhelming lately. I'm trying to fight off an anxiety attack so sorry for any mistakes... .

My father left when I was little and it's only in the last decade that he and I have started talking. Lately it's been pretty regular but in the last week or so we got on to the topic of my mother. They have both hated each other as long as I can remember. He apologized for not always being a good father (or, as my mother would say, "not being a father at all" and that got us to me telling him that Mom wasn't always so great either. It was a long email and when I wrote it, it seemed totally rational and measured but then after I hit send... .Ugh. My heart has been racing and I can't think of anything else. Did I say too much? Did I betray my mother by conceding her flaws to someone who I know hates her? Will he reject me for being real and raw the way my mother said he was incapable of dealing with? How much of what my mother has told me about him is true? Is he the type of man who will reject me for being open?

I feel guilty for saying anything bad about her but especially to him. My mother would never forgive me and I can't believe I did it. But at the same time, I had my partner read the email I sent and he told me there was nothing in it that I should feel bad or guilty over that I was freaking out over nothing. And while that should have made me feel better it actually made it worse somehow because I realized just how vulnerable I am when it comes to my parents and my upbringing. Like... .that I'm so used to my mother exploding into tears or a rage anytime there was anything she perceived as a rejection that I can't even tell when I've crossed a line.

I know on some level that all of this isn't my fault. I do. But knowing it isn't making this feeling of guilt and anxiety go away.

And then I start to think of all the good times with my mother - how could I possibly say these things about her? What kind of daughter does that make me? What kind of human? It's not like she was physically or sexually abusive to me. I feel shame calling what she did emotional abuse - as though I'm exaggerating what I went through. And it's true that so many have had it worse than I have. But... .the fact that I feel guilt speaking truthfully about her, that I make excuses for her ill-actions, that I'm scared of upsetting her or her finding things out because she'll be so upset... .those are classic abuse symptoms, aren't they?

But when do I finally let all this go. I thought I was doing so much better since I found out about the BPD last summer. I even had a moment a month ago where I really thought I'd had a breakthrough but today it feels like nothing has changed at all.

I'm sorry this is so long. If you've made it this far, thanks.

[tjay933]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad today. feel free to vent here any time you want. nobody will judge you or look down on you at all. we've all been there and done that.

it takes a while to get through all the BPD info and then to try to remember it all is harder(for me at least). i find that if i keep reading/studying it keeps me fresher on the topics. i also found that as i studied on BPD i starting thinking about my own self esteem issues so then i started reading up on that and that led me down another path of verbal abusive relationships. the last one was very enlightening especially since i didn't at first think it applied to me but found just how wrong i was on that thought.

at any rate, welcome and we feel with you.

[Linda Maria]

Hi K1313!  So sorry to hear about what you're going through.  You sound like you are driving yourself nuts with the guilt and fear about the whole thing, and I can really identify with that.  My uBPD person is my sister, who has made my life hell since my mum died 2 years ago.  Your post resonates with me, because when it all kicked off nearly 2 years ago and she really turned on me, and started spreading vile stories about me, I tried my best to explain it to people.  Talking things out and writing them down usually helps me a lot, but apart from my very best friend who knows my sister quite well, and totally got it, I found after I talked to other people who asked me about it, that I often felt worse.  I felt a bit guilty and mean about what I'd said, though all I'd said was the truth about what she'd done.  Because it was all so irrational, people couldn't make sense of it, and I used to end up feeling like I was the mad one, or that they probably thought I was a bit mad too, perhaps grief for my Mum had unhinged me.  So I stopped trying to explain to anyone other than a couple of friends who really understood, because it just didn't help.  Later when I had professionals, solicitors, estate agents helping me because she would not allow us to get on with sorting out my Mum's estate, I was pleasantly surprised by how they saw through all the mad lies and jerking around straight away - they were not fooled in the least - and were very sympathetic and helpful to me.  So - please please - don't beat yourself up - you have done nothing wrong - all you have done is written down the truth - which - through no fault of your own, happens to be pretty disturbing in some ways.  I hope that establishing a relationship with your father is a positive thing, and while you don't want it to be based on the past, I think it is normal that he needs to understand what is was like to live with your mother.  You may be surprised by how much he understands, and how much of it will ring true and make sense to him - people who have known my sister a long time are fully aware of a lot of "dramas" over the years that never totally rang true, and at some point the penny drops.  So - just wanted to say the way you feel is normal, but please try to not feel bad or guilty, the only way to heal yourself is to talk these things out, you have done nothing wrong, you didn't create this situation.  I wish you well.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi K1313

I really really feel for you. It is so difficult for you to feel safe because you have had the worst of betrayals haven't you? Not only a father who left you but a mother who did not support encourage or try to mend the hurt that you must have gone through for so long.

Please rest assured that your reaction is perfectly normal - you stood up for yourself and said your truth. I'll lay odds that whenever you did that as a kid you were punished and shamed for it. Now as an adult, doing those same things which are, btw your RIGHT as a human being plunges you straight back to a time when yuo probably didn't have a clue that you had a right to feel and a right to say what you feel.

I have felt the same as you again and again. It would be well worth you looking into emotional flashbacks which i think is what is happening to you.

BPD mothers and absent fathers have a way of producing anxiety ridden children mostly by the device of shifting the blame from themselves and you, as the child would be an easy target. But BUT it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I'll say it again. it was NOT YOUR FAULT.

All the things that you think about your mother you are entitled to think. Most 'normal' (non) people would try and understand why you felt that way and probably apologise for hurting you. They would care for your feelings instead of just their own.

Personally I think you did an incredibly brave thing and even a necessary thing for your own sake. You behaved like an adult even though the emotional backlash you are experiencing makes you feel very much like a vulnerable child again.

  Will he reject me for being real and raw the way my mother said he was incapable of dealing with? How much of what my mother has told me about him is true? Is he the type of man who will reject me for being open?

Only time and your father's behaviour will prove these things out, but regardless of how he reacts you opened the door for him to behave better and make up for the terrible way he abandoned you when you were young. if he chooses not to take the opportunity then you have learned a valuable lesson. If he does tr to fix things you may have a different opportunity. in any case you did a good thing. Now he has the chance to show his real heart condition to you.

I recommend being patient with him to start with.  he will have an inordinate amount of guilt to carry if he chooses to man up.

And then I start to think of all the good times with my mother - how could I possibly say these things about her? What kind of daughter does that make me? What kind of human? It's not like she was physically or sexually abusive to me. I feel shame calling what she did emotional abuse - as though I'm exaggerating what I went through. And it's true that so many have had it worse than I have. But... .the fact that I feel guilt speaking truthfully about her, that I make excuses for her ill-actions, that I'm scared of upsetting her or her finding things out because she'll be so upset... .those are classic abuse symptoms, aren't they?

Oh yes, K1313. they most certainly are. All these things you are saying to yourself? Are they really your voice talking or have you been trained to only think well and speak well of your mother? What kind of person are you? An honest one with a tender heart that is asking to be loved and cared for the way a child should. your parents should have been crazy about you and made every sacrifice to YOUR feelings rather than teach you that their feelings were more important.

It doesn't matter if she hit you with a shoe or just neglected to make you feel whole, nurtured and fully loved. They are forms of abuse. A parent should provide that environment for the child - not the other way round.

I could say a thousand things more like this but I think you get the drift. it's quite natural for you to feel like you took 2 steps forward then fell back in a heap. it takes time - a lot of time to make your mind over and build the confidence in yourself you deserve to have.

please do keep us updated as to what happens next. i am very interested in how your situation develops out.

 

Ziggiddy

[littlebirdcline]

I feel guilty for saying anything bad about her but especially to him. My mother would never forgive me and I can't believe I did it.

My mother is also hyperparanoid about me talking to anyone about her at all, even harmless things. If she knew I were on here, or talked to a therapist, or my friends, she would go insane.  But that's how they control us, right?

I know on some level that all of this isn't my fault. I do. But knowing it isn't making this feeling of guilt and anxiety go away. 

It's so hard not to feel guilty when they fear abandonment most and then you want to cut off contact.  I feel guilty because making her fear come true.  But did I make it come true, or did she do it with her behavior?

And then I start to think of all the good times with my mother - how could I possibly say these things about her? What kind of daughter does that make me? What kind of human? It's not like she was physically or sexually abusive to me. I feel shame calling what she did emotional abuse - as though I'm exaggerating what I went through. And it's true that so many have had it worse than I have. But... .the fact that I feel guilt speaking truthfully about her, that I make excuses for her ill-actions, that I'm scared of upsetting her or her finding things out because she'll be so upset... .those are classic abuse symptoms, aren't they?

I totally identify with this.  My mother has many good qualities, and in many ways was a great mom.  My brother uses this as his excuse all the time.  I, too, read people's stories on here and think it could have been much worse.  My mother's abuse started mostly when I went to college.  But then, I look at how she makes me feel, and I hear from my husband and friends how truly messed up the things she does and says are, and I have to admit, it's pretty terrible and I shouldn't have to put up with it.

But when do I finally let all this go. I thought I was doing so much better since I found out about the BPD last summer. I even had a moment a month ago where I really thought I'd had a breakthrough but today it feels like nothing has changed at all.

And a few days from now, you will probably feel better again.  I think it really is like a death in the family.  You grieve, and some days are better than others.  Sometimes, I think I should just stop letting myself think about it at all, stop coming here, and trying to figure things out.  But then I realize that ignoring it does not make it go away.  We have to allow ourselves to feel whatever is coming up.  As a child, I was told how I should feel about things, and told all the time that my feelings were wrong.  I am not going to let her try to dictate my emotions for another 40 years.  I'm sorry you are in a down swing, but I'm sure it will come up again.   [/quote]

[K1313]

I want to say thanks to all of you who have read this and to those of you who replied.

I'm still in something of a downward trend right now but I'm also feeling less hopeless and despairing than the night I wrote this.

I've been trying to literally talk aloud to myself (when I'm alone) the way I would a friend. I'll say something in my head that not great - stuff like "I'm such an idiot for writing that. I'm just as messed up as my Mom. He's going to reject me again" etc - and then I pinch myself and pretend a friend just said those things to me about themselves and now I have to respond aloud: "You're not an idiot, you just wrote what you felt. You're not your mother and just because some things upset you doesn't mean you have the same emotional deregulation that she does. If your father rejects you for that then you're better off without him. Besides you have [names of good friends] and [name of husband] and those are your true family. Those are the people who have been there for you."

I just find this so exhausting. I say it's been since last summer when I found out about the BP but really... .it's been my whole life. I found all of my old journals and I looked through some of them... .that was tough because it reminded me of some of the things I had forgotten and it also shocked me how much of my high school-era journals were given over to chastising myself for being a selfish teenager. I would repeat the things my Mom said to me/about me (as well as stuff my enmeshed brother said/did) and I would write things like "I don't think I'm like that but if they say I am... .They know me better than anyone so... ."

[littlebirdcline]

The self-talk is a great idea.  I heard a story on NPR a while back that said if you talk to yourself in the third person, it's more effective than saying "I", so it sounds like you're doing it right!  I would second your observation that just because you get upset doesn't mean you're her.  You have the ability to recognize and analyze your emotions, something she can't do!  And looking at what people you know love you think of you is also great.  My husband and his love for me is one of the biggest reasons I finally started confronting all the mess.  Thinking good thoughts for you!