need some feedback regarding this mess -Help

[PattyG]

I am in the midst of another "break-up" with my uBPD. We have gone around this circle for 7 years. It has been 3 weeks of limited contact (emails only). I have 5 kids, all young. i posted here 2 years ago when she took me to court to try to get visitation, and lost. There has been alot of hurt on my end - in the past 12 months my mom has died, I gave birth to my last child and was recently promoted to a high rank in the Military. I logically look at this situation and realize there is nothing left. She decided a year ago to be celibate, yet used sex to reel me back in when she was afraid I was moving on. I lent her $14,000 after my mom died to get out of debt, She still owes me $5000. This last break up she now has reduced the payments by over half. She slandered me to my sitter and my church, and her opinion of me is always poor. She doesn't support my career.

Anyway, she fought with me 3 weeks ago over when the kids could stay at her house and when i wouldn't give in she blocked my number and unfriended me on facebook. I left her alone and didn't email. Now the emails are several a day. The last one was "have you slept with anyone?". As much as I wanted to ignore it I responded with No and all the stuff I needed o say that won't change anything. I feel like my little spring of hope that it can work out is bouncing up... .even though I know each round gets more and more painful.

[Mutt]

Hi PattyG,

I'm sorry you going through this. The escalation in emails is likely because she's feeling anxiety and is fearing abandonment. The push / pull behavior. Are you both taking a break? I was separated several times for a period of 3 weeks to 6 weeks in 7 years. How long are your "break-ups"? Is it her fear of engulfment that's instigating this?

[PattyG]

Mutt,

Thank you for responding. I wish I knew. We have started talking again, I actually drove over there this weekend when the loan payment wasn't made, since she had blocked all my phones/my friends phones. After seeing her, she started texting and calling. i don't look back and see and events that would signify engulfment. The trigger seemed to my promotion which was about 10 days away. Also that we were intimate for the first time in months a few weeks earlier seemed to trigger it. Now that weeks have passed, she is being kind and able to talk (over the phone). She has wanted to get together to see one another but I have avoided it because I have no idea what I am doing.

I have said over and over I know I can't be happy in a celibate relationship. She says she understands, yet is unwilling to change her stance on celibacy nor move our relationship to more like a friendship. She started flirting with me over the phone several times, even though for me it hurts because she hasn't changed her stance on celibacy so there really is no future in it.

She wants to see the kids, I know she loves them. i struggle with what amount of contact is healthy for them and her. I also wish i could just "move on" yet don't seem to be able to.

[Mutt]

It's confusing and difficult when she wants a celibate relationship. She doesn't want to move it to friendship; yet she flirts on the phone. It's ambivalent.

Push / pull behavior is hard.

You may or may not be stuck. Do you think it's a matter of sorting out how you feel? Is she making it harder for you because of the mixed messages?

She wants to see the kids, I know she loves them. i struggle with what amount of contact is healthy for them and her. I also wish i could just "move on" yet don't seem to be able to.

It's also about unconditional love the kids have for her.

You know her best than anyone on the boards. She wanted visitation, is she not good with the kids?