Self-loathing - how to feel worthy?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I had a realization this morning in which I was able to separate out the critical voice in my head from "myself".  Normally, I think I just believe what the voice says, but I'm not consciously aware of what it says.  All that pops up in my awareness is the guilt and shame that I feel in response to it.    

The critical voice is there in my head all the time, ‏just a mumbled undercurrent of "there's just something wrong with me" when things are going well, but ever since I have been unemployed, and financially supported by my family (which I feel makes me unlovable or at least not respectable in our culture where making money is associated with maturity, I'm 36 years old) the voice is constant, and just gets louder and louder.  Because not working is a really big mistake, I don't even feel I have leeway to get small things wrong, like forgetting to buy something at the grocery store, or dropping a fork on the floor.  (no joke.)

It sounds an awful lot like my father.  His response to me making mistakes as a child, even small ones, was often yelling and criticism.‏  I believe that even seemingly "self-destructive" thoughts and behaviour are aimed at preserving the possibility of being loved. So, I have that voice in my head so that I'll do the right things and maybe, finally, be acceptable to him!

My parents were both emotionally abused by their parents (and my mom was sexually abused at age 4 by a family friend), and neither has had therapy for it.  My mom made a real effort to parent me better than she was parented, and in many ways she succeeded, but I believe my dad only restrained himself from verbally abusing me more often, and physically abusing me at all, because my mom would have divorced him if he did.  

Also, I was bullied at school, after being identified as gifted, the teacher made fun of me in front of the class for getting answers wrong, and my best friends started name-calling, verbal abuse, sometimes linking arms around me so I couldn't get away, they always did it in a group, and they were relentless in keeping going until I cried, which was their objective.  I asked the teachers on yard duty for help, but they told me to go handle it myself (including believing the kids' lies that I was saying things that hurt them).  I made other friends the following year, but the identity of "weird, loser, browner, teacher's pet" etc. stuck with me. There were derogatory comments about what music I liked, what food I ate for lunch, my clothing, my fine thin hair (one girl on the bus tried to pluck hairs out of my head).  I was also a scapegoat of sorts; new kids who moved to the school would often make fun of me in front of the others, most likely as a way of gaining entry to the existing social groups.  

I learned to be very quiet, so they would not have any ammunition, and continued that into high school where people mostly treated me as invisible.  And even when they did reach out, I often didn't trust it, because I thought they were gaining my confidence as a trick, to then say "ha! you actually thought I would be your friend?"  People I thought were my friends told me to "stop following them around".

I recognize that I am relatively privileged in some ways, e.g. financially and educationally, and I think often this is what people see when they look at me, I'm reasonably attractive, educated, well-spoken... .and it's possible that they feel envy, and that is an obstacle for them in connecting with me.  I have received a number of dismissive responses from those I have asked for help, including professionals.  Many don't even get to the point of understanding just how brutal the voice in my head is.  

So, it's not that I think I went through some "special" degree of suffering over and above that which others have. I have moments of reflection, looking around at people walking down the street for example, that we all have blessings and burdens, and it just doesn't make sense to judge another's path and choices.  It's more that the standards for me are higher.  So when things go wrong in my life, it's not because I've failed to accept that life contains struggle.  It's that it was my job to prevent those failures, and the fact that I didn't means that all my relationships are at risk.  That means both present relationships ending, and future ones being prevented because of this thing that's wrong with me, for all time.‏  And it's also this perception that when others are cruel to me, it must be something wrong with me, that I don't deserve love and respect.  

(I know, people including therapists have told me "their behaviour has more to do with them than you".  But if I did deserve respect, wouldn't my inherent respectability just radiate out and they couldn't help but treat me with respect?)

I slowly start to see in tiny little ways how beautiful (inside and out) I am, and then I think, the best my father could do for this beautiful person was to criticize and be impatient, (the criticism was usually delivered with a tone of finality, about my character), and withdraw from any kind of emotional involvement with me from about age 10 onwards, driving me to ballet lessons and making supper for the family sometimes but, not interacting with me as a person or asking about my life.  

It might sound like I'm criticizing him, but deep down inside I blame myself for being inadequate for him.  Of course my mother points out that he is completely hypocritical, but I tell her that doesn't matter, it's the feelings of him withholding his respect and love from me because I was not good enough.‏  He gives the worst advice on interpersonal matters of anyone I know, so I'm not sure involvement would have been preferable, but the point is, I needed a dad.‏  

I've had, on and off, probably a total of 3 years of conventional psychotherapy as well as some more "fringe" stuff (e.g. NSA chiropractic, which is supposed to release held trauma defenses from the body) and I've certainly gained in self-awareness, but this core pattern is still there, as strong as it always was if not stronger.  Not only that, I've had numerous positive social experiences as an adult, but somehow they don't even touch that deep core level of "there's just something wrong with me."

I have recently done some google searches on topics like "how to heal shame", "how to feel worth" and somehow all these seem to boil down to "love yourself".  But that just seems circular to me.  Yes, some people loved me, but some really didn't, there must have been something about me that allowed them to come to the conclusions they did!  How do I know for sure that I'm worthy of love, when my father reacted with such negativity/indifference to my authentic self that I showed him when I was a child?  When my own "tribe" (school) didn't think my well-being was important enough to help when I was in a situation I couldn't handle alone?  And I think I also get triggered by the self-love thing, because it seemed to me that everyone else got the support and protection of the group, but I didn't. So to tell me to love myself seems flippant.  

(And what about someone who went through worse trauma/neglect than I did? I think it's insulting to tell someone who's received so little, that they have to do it for themselves yet again!)

[eeks]

Hi,

I had a realization this morning in which I was able to separate out the critical voice in my head from "myself".  Normally, I think I just believe what the voice says, but I'm not consciously aware of what it says.  All that pops up in my awareness is the guilt and shame that I feel in response to it.    

The critical voice is there in my head all the time, ‏just a mumbled undercurrent of "there's just something wrong with me" when things are going well, but ever since I have been unemployed, and financially supported by my family (which I feel makes me unlovable or at least not respectable in our culture where making money is associated with maturity, I'm 36 years old) the voice is constant, and just gets louder and louder.  Because not working is a really big mistake, I don't even feel I have leeway to get small things wrong, like forgetting to buy something at the grocery store, or dropping a fork on the floor.  (no joke.)

It sounds an awful lot like my father.  His response to me making mistakes as a child, even small ones, was often yelling and criticism.‏  I believe that even seemingly "self-destructive" thoughts and behaviour are aimed at preserving the possibility of being loved. So, I have that voice in my head so that I'll do the right things and maybe, finally, be acceptable to him!

My parents were both emotionally abused by their parents (and my mom was sexually abused at age 4 by a family friend), and neither has had therapy for it.  My mom made a real effort to parent me better than she was parented, and in many ways she succeeded, but I believe my dad only restrained himself from verbally abusing me more often, and physically abusing me at all, because my mom would have divorced him if he did.  

Also, I was bullied at school, after being identified as gifted, the teacher made fun of me in front of the class for getting answers wrong, and my best friends started name-calling, verbal abuse, sometimes linking arms around me so I couldn't get away, they always did it in a group, and they were relentless in keeping going until I cried, which was their objective.  I asked the teachers on yard duty for help, but they told me to go handle it myself (including believing the kids' lies that I was saying things that hurt them).  I made other friends the following year, but the identity of "weird, loser, browner, teacher's pet" etc. stuck with me. There were derogatory comments about what music I liked, what food I ate for lunch, my clothing, my fine thin hair (one girl on the bus tried to pluck hairs out of my head).  I was also a scapegoat of sorts; new kids who moved to the school would often make fun of me in front of the others, most likely as a way of gaining entry to the existing social groups.  

I learned to be very quiet, so they would not have any ammunition, and continued that into high school where people mostly treated me as invisible.  And even when they did reach out, I often didn't trust it, because I thought they were gaining my confidence as a trick, to then say "ha! you actually thought I would be your friend?"  People I thought were my friends told me to "stop following them around".

I recognize that I am relatively privileged in some ways, e.g. financially and educationally, and I think often this is what people see when they look at me, I'm reasonably attractive, educated, well-spoken... .and it's possible that they feel envy, and that is an obstacle for them in connecting with me.  I have received a number of dismissive responses from those I have asked for help, including professionals.  Many don't even get to the point of understanding just how brutal the voice in my head is.  

So, it's not that I think I went through some "special" degree of suffering over and above that which others have. I have moments of reflection, looking around at people walking down the street for example, that we all have blessings and burdens, and it just doesn't make sense to judge another's path and choices.  It's more that the standards for me are higher.  So when things go wrong in my life, it's not because I've failed to accept that life contains struggle.  It's that it was my job to prevent those failures, and the fact that I didn't means that all my relationships are at risk.  That means both present relationships ending, and future ones being prevented because of this thing that's wrong with me, for all time.‏  And it's also this perception that when others are cruel to me, it must be something wrong with me, that I don't deserve love and respect.  

(I know, people including therapists have told me "their behaviour has more to do with them than you".  But if I did deserve respect, wouldn't my inherent respectability just radiate out and they couldn't help but treat me with respect?)

I slowly start to see in tiny little ways how beautiful (inside and out) I am, and then I think, the best my father could do for this beautiful person was to criticize and be impatient, (the criticism was usually delivered with a tone of finality, about my character), and withdraw from any kind of emotional involvement with me from about age 10 onwards, driving me to ballet lessons and making supper for the family sometimes but, not interacting with me as a person or asking about my life.  

It might sound like I'm criticizing him, but deep down inside I blame myself for being inadequate for him.  Of course my mother points out that he is completely hypocritical, but I tell her that doesn't matter, it's the feelings of him withholding his respect and love from me because I was not good enough.‏  He gives the worst advice on interpersonal matters of anyone I know, so I'm not sure involvement would have been preferable, but the point is, I needed a dad.‏  

I've had, on and off, probably a total of 3 years of conventional psychotherapy as well as some more "fringe" stuff (e.g. NSA chiropractic, which is supposed to release held trauma defenses from the body) and I've certainly gained in self-awareness, but this core pattern is still there, as strong as it always was if not stronger.  Not only that, I've had numerous positive social experiences as an adult, but somehow they don't even touch that deep core level of "there's just something wrong with me."

I have recently done some google searches on topics like "how to heal shame", "how to feel worth" and somehow all these seem to boil down to "love yourself".  But that just seems circular to me.  Yes, some people loved me, but some really didn't, there must have been something about me that allowed them to come to the conclusions they did!  How do I know for sure that I'm worthy of love, when my father reacted with such negativity/indifference to my authentic self that I showed him when I was a child?  When my own "tribe" (school) didn't think my well-being was important enough to help when I was in a situation I couldn't handle alone?  And I think I also get triggered by the self-love thing, because it seemed to me that everyone else got the support and protection of the group, but I didn't. So to tell me to love myself seems flippant.  

(And what about someone who went through worse trauma/neglect than I did? I think it's insulting to tell someone who's received so little, that they have to do it for themselves yet again!)

[doubleAries]

eeks,

I have been grappling with this very topic myself. Here's a link to a post I put up on here called "debilitating shame" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240838.0

I call that "voice" you are talking about "mom's voice". Because it sounds just like her--hateful, angry, and constantly scathingly critical.

There is a difference between healthy shame (after we do some something really crappy that we SHOULD feel ashamed of) and TOXIC SHAME. The belief that you are a shameful person.

"Mom's voice" isn't usually in words, like thoughts, because it is emotionally imbedded. For me, this toxic shame isn't even about self loathing--I'm not nearly important enough for something *that* fancy! It's no worth or value.

My counselor has been telling me for 3 years the "cure" is to love myself--whatever that means. To "re-parent" myself. Well, self love sounds like narcissism. And re-parenting myself sounds like being delusional ("I am my own parent"

If you read some of my posts in the above link, you'll see what finally worked for me, to get on the road to real healing. Basically it came down to transcribing--in written words--"mom's voice". That just opened up the floodgate of shame for me, and I allowed it to happen. I stopped trying to avoid the uncomfortable (to put it mildly) feelings and allowed them to exist, to purge themselves. No, it was not "fun" in any way shape or form. But it reminded of those times as a small child when, exhausted and/or stressed, I just cried myself out.

You might try researching toxic shame.

You ask what about someone who went through worse trauma/neglect than you did. Well, that would be me. My mother was a true sadist, and my father was a narcissist alcoholic child molester. Neglect was the golden ring in my childhood! So let me be the one to tell you trauma is sort of spectrum based like so many other things. There's no difference whether the abuse/trauma/neglect was harsher or not. The only difference in this particular topic is that my "voice" is a lot harsher than yours. This does not negate your experience in any way. In fact, that's one of the things we tell ourselves to negate our experience and self treatment--"well, I guess it could be worse", or "well, I guess others have had it worse than me... ."

I finally understand what "loving myself" means. Oh, I need a LOT more practice, but I get it now. That voice that sounds like your dad (and mine is my mother's voice)--you know of course that that voice is yours now. It's coming from inside you now. Yeah, you learned it from someone else, but now it's yours. Well, try to love that voice instead of cringing from it, arguing with it, pushing it away, trying to reason with it ("logic away" your emotions) or yelling at it to SHUT UP! My method (which I borrowed) is to catch it happening (which is easier after you transcribe some of it) and say--out loud if I want to--something like "oh, there you are again! C'mon--let's sit down and have a cup of tea. It will soothe your anxiety." I wallowed around--literally--on the floor in emotional agony for a few days letting "the voice" have its say. I didn't believe my mother--intellectually anyway--when she told me repeatedly how much she hated me, wished I was dead, that I was a POS, etc, etc, etc. But on an emotional level, that message permeated my very soul. It became my fear. And it needs to say its piece. That doesn't mean you 'succumb' to it--not at all (which is what I was afraid of). just let it out of the basement to have its day in the sun.

Maybe your "voice" is one of self-loathing. And maybe mine is one of complete lack of worth or value. But it all works out to basically the same thing--excruciating self torment. The emotional belief that we don't deserve love or respect, and the actions we take to fulfill those beliefs, even when our rational minds are saying "HEY! WTF? Why am I doing this?" and then trying to out-think those emotions, in an endless circle, like a dog on a chain. Unable to see that when we continue to reject part of ourselves, there is no way we can be whole.

Hope this helps, if for no other reason than to know you aren't alone. transcribing the voice is really useful in opening up that basement door. And making peace with that voice works better than strangling it.

[eeks]

Thanks for your reply doubleAries.

My counselor has been telling me for 3 years the "cure" is to love myself--whatever that means. To "re-parent" myself. Well, self love sounds like narcissism. And re-parenting myself sounds like being delusional ("I am my own parent"

I read a book (lent it to uPBD former friend and didn't get it back, hah) called The Undervalued Self by Elaine Aron.  In deciding whether you can do the "connecting with the innocent" exercise (similar to inner child) on your own from the book, or whether you need a therapist, she says the determining factor is whether you are able to love your inner child.  So for a therapist to tell you you need to love yourself is, to me, a little iffy. 

I believe you can connect with some of the buried or "forbidden" emotions (as you describe in your other thread, "befriending your emotions" and that is sort of like self-love, but there aren't separate entities in you, one that does the loving and one that receives the love... .yeah, that part's delusional.

You ask what about someone who went through worse trauma/neglect than you did. Well, that would be me. My mother was a true sadist, and my father was a narcissist alcoholic child molester. Neglect was the golden ring in my childhood! So let me be the one to tell you trauma is sort of spectrum based like so many other things. There's no difference whether the abuse/trauma/neglect was harsher or not. The only difference in this particular topic is that my "voice" is a lot harsher than yours. This does not negate your experience in any way. In fact, that's one of the things we tell ourselves to negate our experience and self treatment--"well, I guess it could be worse", or "well, I guess others have had it worse than me... ."

I appreciate this response.  I am grateful that you have enough compassion and perspective to be able to see this.  And I agree with you, but I have had dismissive responses from people, some of them were professionals, medical doctors who I went to see for mental health issues.  When I was in distress, they could have just said "I can see this is still really affecting you. We will get you set up with the help that you need" (a statement which requires almost no emotional involvement and frankly, is the reason I am seeing the doctor) no, that is the time when they chose to give me some variant on the kick-in-the-pants, pull-self-up-by-own-bootstraps lecture.  So apparently my experience is in fact not objectively severe enough to warrant empathy.  My current therapist says "if they treat you like that, chances are they treat others like that" which is little consolation, when these are the people who were supposed to be helping, and those experiences didn't stop me from seeking help, but it did delay things on the order of years.   

And yes, it was precisely what I didn't need, because my tendency was, as you say, to negate or minimize, because after all, my mother loved me, wanted me to feel that I was being well taken care of, I had all of my material needs met and many of my wants too, ample intellectual stimulation... .and that (plus the cultural dicta around gratitude, and self-empowerment and overcoming one's obstacles) prevented me for a long time from acknowledging that my father was emotionally abusive.  Even after a psychiatrist wrote it on my assessment prior to CBT group therapy for social anxiety, I read it and thought "oh, 'emotional abuse at the hands of her father', that's awfully dramatic language.'"

I finally understand what "loving myself" means. Oh, I need a LOT more practice, but I get it now. That voice that sounds like your dad (and mine is my mother's voice)--you know of course that that voice is yours now. It's coming from inside you now. Yeah, you learned it from someone else, but now it's yours. Well, try to love that voice instead of cringing from it, arguing with it, pushing it away, trying to reason with it ("logic away" your emotions) or yelling at it to SHUT UP! My method (which I borrowed) is to catch it happening (which is easier after you transcribe some of it) and say--out loud if I want to--something like "oh, there you are again! C'mon--let's sit down and have a cup of tea. It will soothe your anxiety." I wallowed around--literally--on the floor in emotional agony for a few days letting "the voice" have its say. I didn't believe my mother--intellectually anyway--when she told me repeatedly how much she hated me, wished I was dead, that I was a POS, etc, etc, etc. But on an emotional level, that message permeated my very soul. It became my fear. And it needs to say its piece. That doesn't mean you 'succumb' to it--not at all (which is what I was afraid of). just let it out of the basement to have its day in the sun.

Maybe your "voice" is one of self-loathing. And maybe mine is one of complete lack of worth or value. But it all works out to basically the same thing--excruciating self torment. The emotional belief that we don't deserve love or respect, and the actions we take to fulfill those beliefs, even when our rational minds are saying "HEY! WTF? Why am I doing this?" and then trying to out-think those emotions, in an endless circle, like a dog on a chain. Unable to see that when we continue to reject part of ourselves, there is no way we can be whole.

Hope this helps, if for no other reason than to know you aren't alone. transcribing the voice is really useful in opening up that basement door. And making peace with that voice works better than strangling it.

This is a really interesting suggestion, "so crazy it just might work" kind of thing.  Some of the modern psychotherapists integrating Buddhist thought with Western psychotherapy have a similar approach to emotions, so the idea isn't completely new to me, but it is still useful for me to hear your account of exactly how it happened for you. 

I don't exactly feel like having a cup of tea with my critical parent voice, but I did ask it an interesting question, "what are you afraid would happen if you stopped constantly dumping this shame on me?"  and after a few more questions and answers I got that my father was trying to get the love from me (specifically feelings of safety and nourishment) that he didn't get from his parents. 

Of course, that's not possible, and would understandably lead me to feel guilty and inadequate. 

[doubleAries]

Like I said--we can't be whole when we continue to reject part of ourselves.

I have spent literally hours and hours trying to "get in touch with my emotions". Nothing worked until I wrote down what that "voice" was saying. Especially when it isn't talking (thoughts) but just feeling. Not sure why, but that really did the trick.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eeks, The voice inside my head is often harsh, judgmental and wildly inaccurate, so I take it with a grain of salt.  When I catch that voice at work, I say "Cancel" or ":)elete" -- sometimes out loud -- and move on to more positive thoughts and affirmations.  I use the voice as a reminder to remain positive and screen out the negative self-talk.  I no longer am a captive audience for the voice.  LuckyJim