New here - mom has BPD traits

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I recently began looking into BPD and actually posted on a different forum looking for support but didn't find a lot, but this forum seems so friendly I figured I'd give it a try.

I've been trying to make since of my mom's behavior over the years. I am the eldest of three girls, in my mid-20s, and still live with my parents due to having a physical disability. I am beginning to suspect my mom has some type of PD, maybe BPD, or she at least has a lot of the traits and is high functioning. The thing is, she can be perfectly normal at times and, of course, is always normal in public and with certain people.

Why I believe this:

She has extreme mood swings. Everything can be going well, and then something triggers her, and she rages. It is very unpredictable. She is very argumentative, especially with my dad. She is always right and never wrong. She'll go around and around over the littlest thing, even phrasing of arguments.

When she is mad, she stays mad. She'll hold grudges over the smallest things for hours, sometimes days. When this happens she gives us the silent treatment. She sometimes won't even answer questions and just ignore you if you try talking to her. For example, on Sunday morning she and Dad were arguing about the tv remote not working (my dad and technology don't mix well), and she kept telling him he was messing up the tv (while he was, he doesn't take repetitive criticism well); he snapped at her. I opened unwisely my mouth and told her that he wasn't like her in terms of learning. She didn't take it well, and she sulked at me all through church (yes, church) and was probably still ticked at me hours later.

She is a borderline hoarder. She can't get rid of anything, and she will not clean. Thank goodness my dad does dishes and laundry and I fold it. However, she rarely puts her laundry upstairs in her room. There are piles of paper all over, and she only attempts to keep it in check is because I began to have anxiety issues due to the mess.

Oh, and she puts up a perfect front for everyone else, but she constantly degrades my dad and seems like she cannot stand him. I started to buy into her delusions about my dad, but then I stepped back, and realized that though he has a few issues, he's pretty darn stable and normal compared to her. I really realized this when he retired, and I was home with him all day, that life was good when it was just us when my mom's at work. When she's home, it's like walking on eggshells and pretty toxic.

I don't remember her being very affectionate when I was young, but complained that we gave my dad more hugs. She also complains that my sister (middle daughter) is distant (just my sister's personality) and that my sister has told her that she (mom) was cold and yelled a lot when we were little. I am beginning to believe my sister saw the BPD traits long before I did, and she distanced herself very quickly. I also believe my mom made my sisters help care for me a bit more than she should have when we were little. Both my sisters had to help me put my leg braces and shoes on, which was difficult, and I sometimes fought with them if they didn't do it right (I was young and it's uncomfortable if things are properly adjusted). Thinking back, I believe she should have done it herself.

My mom has zero patience with my dad. She gets angry when he asks for things, i.e. paperwork, information. Like tonight she practically yelled at him when he asked her for insurance info. Then we were having a discussion, which she turned into an argument because she had to be right, even though we were all saying the same thing! He even says she has no patience with him. He usually just takes it in stride, and then he sometimes later complains to me, but he has almost stopped complaining to me.

My mom leans on me emotionally, and I am realizing she is likely emotionally incestial (spelling?). Once she told me my dad said he should never have married. I don't know if he ever said such, but I don't care. What mom tells her daughter her dad regrets the union that resulted in her daughter's existence? She used to treat me as her therapist, but I am really trying to set strict boundaries against this. She still treats me as a surrogate spouse at times, but I usually just pretend to listen, and listen just enough to make her think I am engaged in the conversation.

She has zero sense when it comes to personal boundaries. Yes, I live at home and they care for me, but I do pay rent and help in the small ways I am able to. However, she won't even knock if my bedroom door is shut. She expects me to help her solve every little issue, whether it be with the computer, her credit card bill, meal planning, etc.

She and my dad have a rocky relationship, as mentioned above, but her friendships are also a bit odd when I think about it. She'll have very close relationships with people and then all of a sudden, she is no longer in contact with them. I don't think they end badly; it's like she just stops putting effort into the friendship. Her excuse is always "Oh, they never called back; they could call." Of course when she sees other people make such excuses, she is extremely critical.

Being still at home and relying on both parents for care, it is so difficult to escape the toxicity. I don't know how my parents ever could have had a functional marriage, and I am beginning to think they are only still together because of me. I think my mom stays as she has a good life because Dad worked hard, and my dad stays out of a belief in the sanctity of marriage. But my mom won't do a thing to work on the relationship.

I'd appreciate any feedback on these thoughts. I feel like I have a ton more things to say but they are stuck in my head at the moment. Living with her is becoming a nightmare, but where we live, the services for the disabled are poor, and my parents say they're going to move so I am hoping to get out when that happens (it better!).

I am probably rambling now, but I am trying to learn how to function in the chaos. I feel horrible, but sometimes I wish it was just my dad and I so I wouldn't have to deal with my mom, her semi-hoarding, and everything else. To top it off, I struggle with anxiety, and now even the clutter makes me anxious, and I find myself trying to keep it from getting out of control. I am just so exhausted from everyday life in this house and there is no chance of change in the near future  .

[ViaCrusis1689]

Hello,

I recently began looking into BPD and actually posted on a different forum looking for support but didn't find a lot, but this forum seems so friendly I figured I'd give it a try.

I've been trying to make since of my mom's behavior over the years. I am the eldest of three girls, in my mid-20s, and still live with my parents due to having a physical disability. I am beginning to suspect my mom has some type of PD, maybe BPD, or she at least has a lot of the traits and is high functioning. The thing is, she can be perfectly normal at times and, of course, is always normal in public and with certain people.

Why I believe this:

She has extreme mood swings. Everything can be going well, and then something triggers her, and she rages. It is very unpredictable. She is very argumentative, especially with my dad. She is always right and never wrong. She'll go around and around over the littlest thing, even phrasing of arguments.

When she is mad, she stays mad. She'll hold grudges over the smallest things for hours, sometimes days. When this happens she gives us the silent treatment. She sometimes won't even answer questions and just ignore you if you try talking to her. For example, on Sunday morning she and Dad were arguing about the tv remote not working (my dad and technology don't mix well), and she kept telling him he was messing up the tv (while he was, he doesn't take repetitive criticism well); he snapped at her. I opened unwisely my mouth and told her that he wasn't like her in terms of learning. She didn't take it well, and she sulked at me all through church (yes, church) and was probably still ticked at me hours later.

She is a borderline hoarder. She can't get rid of anything, and she will not clean. Thank goodness my dad does dishes and laundry and I fold it. However, she rarely puts her laundry upstairs in her room. There are piles of paper all over, and she only attempts to keep it in check is because I began to have anxiety issues due to the mess.

Oh, and she puts up a perfect front for everyone else, but she constantly degrades my dad and seems like she cannot stand him. I started to buy into her delusions about my dad, but then I stepped back, and realized that though he has a few issues, he's pretty darn stable and normal compared to her. I really realized this when he retired, and I was home with him all day, that life was good when it was just us when my mom's at work. When she's home, it's like walking on eggshells and pretty toxic.

I don't remember her being very affectionate when I was young, but complained that we gave my dad more hugs. She also complains that my sister (middle daughter) is distant (just my sister's personality) and that my sister has told her that she (mom) was cold and yelled a lot when we were little. I am beginning to believe my sister saw the BPD traits long before I did, and she distanced herself very quickly. I also believe my mom made my sisters help care for me a bit more than she should have when we were little. Both my sisters had to help me put my leg braces and shoes on, which was difficult, and I sometimes fought with them if they didn't do it right (I was young and it's uncomfortable if things are properly adjusted). Thinking back, I believe she should have done it herself.

My mom has zero patience with my dad. She gets angry when he asks for things, i.e. paperwork, information. Like tonight she practically yelled at him when he asked her for insurance info. Then we were having a discussion, which she turned into an argument because she had to be right, even though we were all saying the same thing! He even says she has no patience with him. He usually just takes it in stride, and then he sometimes later complains to me, but he has almost stopped complaining to me.

My mom leans on me emotionally, and I am realizing she is likely emotionally incestial (spelling?). Once she told me my dad said he should never have married. I don't know if he ever said such, but I don't care. What mom tells her daughter her dad regrets the union that resulted in her daughter's existence? She used to treat me as her therapist, but I am really trying to set strict boundaries against this. She still treats me as a surrogate spouse at times, but I usually just pretend to listen, and listen just enough to make her think I am engaged in the conversation.

She has zero sense when it comes to personal boundaries. Yes, I live at home and they care for me, but I do pay rent and help in the small ways I am able to. However, she won't even knock if my bedroom door is shut. She expects me to help her solve every little issue, whether it be with the computer, her credit card bill, meal planning, etc.

She and my dad have a rocky relationship, as mentioned above, but her friendships are also a bit odd when I think about it. She'll have very close relationships with people and then all of a sudden, she is no longer in contact with them. I don't think they end badly; it's like she just stops putting effort into the friendship. Her excuse is always "Oh, they never called back; they could call." Of course when she sees other people make such excuses, she is extremely critical.

Being still at home and relying on both parents for care, it is so difficult to escape the toxicity. I don't know how my parents ever could have had a functional marriage, and I am beginning to think they are only still together because of me. I think my mom stays as she has a good life because Dad worked hard, and my dad stays out of a belief in the sanctity of marriage. But my mom won't do a thing to work on the relationship.

I'd appreciate any feedback on these thoughts. I feel like I have a ton more things to say but they are stuck in my head at the moment. Living with her is becoming a nightmare, but where we live, the services for the disabled are poor, and my parents say they're going to move so I am hoping to get out when that happens (it better!).

I am probably rambling now, but I am trying to learn how to function in the chaos. I feel horrible, but sometimes I wish it was just my dad and I so I wouldn't have to deal with my mom, her semi-hoarding, and everything else. To top it off, I struggle with anxiety, and now even the clutter makes me anxious, and I find myself trying to keep it from getting out of control. I am just so exhausted from everyday life in this house and there is no chance of change in the near future  .

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, ViaCrusis!   Welcome to the site.

You're in a rough place, one that many of us are familiar with. It sucks to feel trapped and without a way of improving the situation. It sounds like your view is getting clearer and clearer on the toxic dynamics in your home, and you sound like you aren't totally caught up in trying to appease your mom and enable her dysfunction, which is really cool  . Seriously, the hardest step for me to take was being willing to say, out loud, that my mom's behavior was wrong, without bending over backwards trying to defend her at the same time. You're already there, and that's awesome.

You say the social services in your area aren't good. What about your church? Is it a fairly healthy and nontoxic place? If it isn't, what about other churches in the area? Churches can sometimes be absolutely awful when dealing/not dealing with people with PDs, but in other cases they can be a good and even discreet resource for someone looking to shape their own life towards health without depending on toxic people. The one I attended during college was hugely instrumental in helping me own my own life and crawl out from underneath the FOG cast by my own uBPDmom.

[ViaCrusis1689]

Hi, ViaCrusis!   Welcome to the site.

You're in a rough place, one that many of us are familiar with. It sucks to feel trapped and without a way of improving the situation. It sounds like your view is getting clearer and clearer on the toxic dynamics in your home, and you sound like you aren't totally caught up in trying to appease your mom and enable her dysfunction, which is really cool  . Seriously, the hardest step for me to take was being willing to say, out loud, that my mom's behavior was wrong, without bending over backwards trying to defend her at the same time. You're already there, and that's awesome.

You say the social services in your area aren't good. What about your church? Is it a fairly healthy and nontoxic place? If it isn't, what about other churches in the area? Churches can sometimes be absolutely awful when dealing/not dealing with people with PDs, but in other cases they can be a good and even discreet resource for someone looking to shape their own life towards health without depending on toxic people. The one I attended during college was hugely instrumental in helping me own my own life and crawl out from underneath the FOG cast by my own uBPDmom.

Thanks for your reply! I am really trying to set boundaries and reduce the enmeshment. I know she is the one with issues, but then I feel bad for discussing it as she can be pretty normal for, sometimes, days. She does take care of me and has through two major surgeries when I couldn't walk for weeks and needed months of rehab. But she's expected to do that, and I think she fears the day when I move out as she will then be alone with my dad and lose her emotional support (me).

I wish I could find support through a church but I have to rely on her to take me to church. I mean, I find a lot of comfort through my faith, but I am not sure anyone would believe me if I confided in them as my mom seems so perfect to the outside world.

My dad is pretty much an enabler. He'll get frustrated and say "what is wrong with that woman?" but he won't call her out on anything. He recognizes that she has issues but just lets things slide.

I feel guilty even posting here as what I deal with seems pretty mild when it comes to BPD. I sometimes wonder if I am the crazy one and am just so confused.