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BPDFamily.com
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Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
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Topic: Moving on (Read 397 times)
Seriously?
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 100
Moving on
«
on:
March 04, 2015, 04:52:39 PM »
I was back in contact with my BPDh for almost 4 weeks. It has been almost a week of NC now. We even went to one session of marriage counseling. I think I wanted to believe he doesn't really have BPD. I think I was really hoping for a miracle. What I realized during the time I was with him recently is that he will never admit his own wrongs and everything will always be my fault. He would own up to nothing. He blames me for his infidelity and straight up denied his shoving me into two counters hard enough to give me bruises. We were in the middle of our divorce when we decided to go to counseling. After the first three weeks of communication and "dates" he wanted to move back in. This was on the heels of seven months of almost no contact at all. He is living in a boarding house where he rents a room and shares the bathroom and kitchen with others. He blames me for living in those conditions. I know and see the truth. When he shoved me, he couldn't be trusted not to do the same or worse to me again. I wanted to go to counseling so bad because I was hoping a disinterested third party might offer him some perspective. As it was, the T only made him think he was more in the right than ever. It was surreal because now that I know about the gaslighting and other manipulation, I could see exactly what he was doing. Bottom line, I am worth much more than just a place to stay, have your meals cooked, and occasionally have sex. My role as a wife and who I am as a person is so much more than that. In his eyes, i am only around to supply his needs. So, the last 5/6 weeks have been an eye opening opportunity for closure. I do not want him in my life anymore. I still painfully miss the good stuff, but it is not worth it to put up with the bad stuff.
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Madison66
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Re: Moving on
«
Reply #1 on:
March 04, 2015, 05:30:36 PM »
Good for you for seeing it for what it really was and is! I can't tell you how frustrating couples T was with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years. First T saw right through my ex gf and attempted to zero in on the PD's with individual T. Predictably, my ex played along for a few session and even sounded like she was on board with long term T before painting the T black and abandoning the process. Tried two other T's, but my ex would attempt to play herself off as the victim and me the abuser. It was the most frustrating and confusing thing to sit and listen to an abuser project everything on to me and/or to completely justify the abuse and irrational behavior. So, I totally understand your frustration.
I've been out of the r/s for over 15 months and I am at peace with who I am and with the r/s I have in my life. It took some work on my behalf to dig in and deal with my own "stuff", but the days of dysfunction, chaos and abuse are gone. Please stay strong and stay clear of the chaos and abuse.
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Seriously?
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Posts: 100
Re: Moving on
«
Reply #2 on:
March 04, 2015, 05:50:08 PM »
It wasn't even what the T said that made him feel more "in the right." She actually told him his expectations of me were unrealistic and border on ridiculous. That was in our first meeting. It made me realize what I was up against with him. In my experience, counselors are reluctant to use such judgment laden words like ridiculous, especially at a first session where you generally are trying to establish rapport and engage the client. She heard him loud and clear even though he was all over the place in his conversation. I called her the next day just for some validation. She told me him completely denying shoving me concerned her the most. She said to think about whether he does not remember or if he is trying to cover it up. Either way, she said it is her experience that a person who cannot/will not take responsibility for an action like that is most likely to do it again. Even those who admit it but blame the other person are easier to treat than those who flat out say it never happened. BPD is such a confusing mess!
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