Moving on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was back in contact with my BPDh for almost 4 weeks. It has been almost a week of NC now. We even went to one session  of marriage  counseling. I think I wanted to believe he doesn't  really  have  BPD. I think  I was really hoping for a miracle. What I realized  during the time I was with  him recently is that he will never admit his own wrongs and everything  will always be my fault. He would own up to nothing. He blames me for his infidelity  and straight  up  denied his shoving me into two counters hard enough  to give me bruises. We were in the middle of our divorce  when we decided  to go to counseling. After the first three weeks of communication  and "dates" he wanted to move back in. This was on the heels of seven months of almost no contact at all. He is living in a boarding house where he rents a room and shares the bathroom  and kitchen  with others. He blames me for living in those conditions. I know and see the truth.  When he shoved me, he couldn't be trusted  not to do the same or worse to me again. I wanted to go to counseling so bad because  I was hoping  a disinterested third party might offer  him some perspective. As it was, the T only made him think he was more in the right than ever. It was surreal because  now that I know about the gaslighting and other manipulation, I could  see exactly  what he was doing. Bottom line, I am worth much more than just a place to stay, have your meals cooked, and occasionally  have sex. My role as a wife and who I am as a person is so much more  than that. In his eyes, i am only around to supply his needs. So, the last 5/6 weeks have been an eye opening opportunity  for closure. I do not want him in my life anymore. I still  painfully  miss the good stuff, but it is not worth it to put up with  the bad stuff.

[Seriously?]

I was back in contact with my BPDh for almost 4 weeks. It has been almost a week of NC now. We even went to one session  of marriage  counseling. I think I wanted to believe he doesn't  really  have  BPD. I think  I was really hoping for a miracle. What I realized  during the time I was with  him recently is that he will never admit his own wrongs and everything  will always be my fault. He would own up to nothing. He blames me for his infidelity  and straight  up  denied his shoving me into two counters hard enough  to give me bruises. We were in the middle of our divorce  when we decided  to go to counseling. After the first three weeks of communication  and "dates" he wanted to move back in. This was on the heels of seven months of almost no contact at all. He is living in a boarding house where he rents a room and shares the bathroom  and kitchen  with others. He blames me for living in those conditions. I know and see the truth.  When he shoved me, he couldn't be trusted  not to do the same or worse to me again. I wanted to go to counseling so bad because  I was hoping  a disinterested third party might offer  him some perspective. As it was, the T only made him think he was more in the right than ever. It was surreal because  now that I know about the gaslighting and other manipulation, I could  see exactly  what he was doing. Bottom line, I am worth much more than just a place to stay, have your meals cooked, and occasionally  have sex. My role as a wife and who I am as a person is so much more  than that. In his eyes, i am only around to supply his needs. So, the last 5/6 weeks have been an eye opening opportunity  for closure. I do not want him in my life anymore. I still  painfully  miss the good stuff, but it is not worth it to put up with  the bad stuff.

[Madison66]

Good for you for seeing it for what it really was and is!  I can't tell you how frustrating couples T was with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  First T saw right through my ex gf and attempted to zero in on the PD's with individual T.  Predictably, my ex played along for a few session and even sounded like she was on board with long term T before painting the T black and abandoning the process.  Tried two other T's, but my ex would attempt to play herself off as the victim and me the abuser.  It was the most frustrating and confusing thing to sit and listen to an abuser project everything on to me and/or to completely justify the abuse and irrational behavior.  So, I totally understand your frustration. 

I've been out of the r/s for over 15 months and I am at peace with who I am and with the r/s I have in my life.  It took some work on my behalf to dig in and deal with my own "stuff", but the days of dysfunction, chaos and abuse are gone.  Please stay strong and stay clear of the chaos and abuse.

[Seriously?]

It wasn't even what the T said that made him feel more "in the right." She actually  told him his expectations  of me were unrealistic and border on ridiculous. That was in our first  meeting. It made me realize what I was up against  with him. In my experience,  counselors are reluctant to use such judgment  laden words like ridiculous, especially  at a first session where you generally  are trying to establish rapport and engage the client. She heard him loud and clear even though he was all over the place in his conversation. I called her the next day just for some validation. She told me him completely  denying  shoving  me concerned  her the most. She said to think about whether  he does not remember  or if he is trying  to cover it up. Either way, she said it is her experience  that a person  who cannot/will not take responsibility for an action like that is most likely  to do it again. Even those who admit it but blame the other person are easier to treat than those who flat out say it never happened. BPD is such a confusing  mess!