How do you get away?

[louisnorman]

   I was married four years ago to a women that I knew had some problems.  Now I know and understand all that we had gone through in four short years is related to her BPD. We separated several times, each time she made me out to friends and family as being a monster.  She had cheated on me and by making me into something I am not made her look better.  Time and time again she would call me for help, one being a suicide attempt others to do with her addictions. Each and every time I would run to her and end up hurt in the end, I do not want any harm to come to her but she has no problem bringing harm my way.  The more I read the more I understand all that has happened.   When I am way from her with no contact I do better, when there is contact I loose touch with my own needs.  Tell me how to understand that I can not help her and that I am hurting myself in the process. I can not deal with anymore lies, but the truth is I would run if she called.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey louisnorman, In my view, you are exhibiting the classic symptoms of withdrawal from a BPD r/s.  Can you fill us in a little about the status of your r/s?  Are you still married?  Separated?  Divorced?  I can't tell from your post.  If I can make one observation: you didn't cause your Ex to have BPD, and you can't cure her BPD.  Perhaps this might be something for you to ponder before you jump into rescue-mode again.

LuckyJim

[louisnorman]

We are separated, she is living a hour away and I told her we would never get back together but saying that I still have this need to help.  My children have started to come around again, these are my children not hers.  They had enough of her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Tell me how to understand that I can not help her and that I am hurting myself in the process.

Seems you already understand that louis, although there are many articles on this site which will probably help you confirm it.

But it's not about understanding, it's about action.  Make a decision, a real one, and then tell her you don't want her in your life anymore, and then act accordingly; block messages, social media accounts, all the paths she could reach you, and if she does contact you, act bored and businesslike, no emotional engagement.  That will probably freak her out so she'll try harder, but it will be up to you to stick to your resolve.

And then you may find getting rid of her is the easy part.  Your impulse to rescue will stare you straight in the face, and then what do you do?  The best path is to dig deeply to discover why you have that impulse, what needs you are trying to meet by rescuing, what beliefs you have around it, and all that.  Resolving that may end up being an upside to the whole situation.  Take care of you!

[FlSunshineGirl]

Louisnorman, you sound just like me here:

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  When I am way from her with no contact I do better, when there is contact I loose touch with my own needs.  Tell me how to understand that I can not help her and that I am hurting myself in the process. I can not deal with anymore lies, but the truth is I would run if she called.

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You have to realize (like I did) that you have very strong caretaking and rescuing tendencies and find a T and work on those. Figure out why you settle for being with someone who doesn't care about meeting your needs as you sacrifice them to meet hers constantly.

For me, I decided one day that I had enough. I was having physical symptoms manifest from all the stress. Constant stomach upsets, restless sleep, ruminating, nightmares... .I started to feel that if I didn't get out soon I would end up with cancer from all the stress or permanent stomach issues. I kept thinking that I wanted better for myself.

I discovered I really didn't think anyone worth a crap would want to be with me (bad self esteem), and being raised in a dysfunctional home with a controlling, alcoholic father and an enabling mother with self esteem issues, who fought constantly left me with some wounds that left me vulnerable to this relationship.

I've learned I have very poor boundaries and don't run when I see red flags in a relationship. I felt needed, wanted, idealized, beautiful... .but he really just used manipulation and mirroring what my values and thoughts and beliefs were because he didn't know who he was and needed someone to attach to and rescue him. What a pair we were!

I put up with so much controlling, jealous, possessive behavior that I never should have. I had to realize I deserve better and don't want to spend my life being someone's mother or babysitter or therapist.

I offered and went to therapy with him. I was the one who led to him being diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar. Bought books to read together. I was in 100% full rescue mode. Was going to save him and fix him with my love! But he would cancel appointments with his T, not read his books, not follow previous advice from the T... .he just didn't want to get better. And I couldn't want it more than he did.

It's been over 45 days since I've spoken to him. I feel a peace, serenity, happiness to be free of the drama that I haven't felt in over 5 1/2 years!

I'm still recovering from the scars and trauma of the madness that was our toxic relationship. He brought out the worst in me.  That's why I am on here.

When you have the urge to rescue or break contact, just bring back to memory all the worst parts of your relationship and don't romanticize by only remembering the good!

I still struggle to stay NC and fight the urges to feel I need to stay in his life to help him.

We can't fix them! Only they can with God, a good therapist and medication!

Start putting the effort into yourself that you use to put into rescuing her and rescue yourself!

I hope this helped. :-)

- Sunshine