I knew this was going to happen, so why do I keep torturing myself?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone.

There is no real story. I tried my best to keep things going in a totally dysfunctional relationship. We were together for nearly 4 years, but I never knew where things stood because any conversation I tried to initiate was always received as some kind of criticism and didn't go anywhere. She would end up screaming at me and going over the long list of reasons why she thought I was a horrible person.

It seemed the more I tried and the more of myself I gave, the worse things became.

Now we're broken up and she's decided to go talk with other guys. It's hard not to take everything personally and feel like a failure, even though I know it isn't about me or my feelings.

Some days are better than others and I have supportive friends and family, so I know I'll live.  My therapist says this was a very addictive relationship for me and I'm trying to recover. I thought things could be okay if I kept her at a distance so she couldn't continue to hurt me over and over, but it doesn't work like that for me.

Despite her flaws and etc. I loved her and tried my best.  There is no point in saying any of this to her because she doesn't care to listen to my intended meaning, she simply extracts the parts that can be twisted and turns it around to be about her and how she much she is upset.

To be perfectly honest, I knew within 3 months that the relationship wouldn't work out. I was lazy and didn't want to bother to find someone else who lived close and was convenient. The relatipnship wasn't all bad. She was nice and charming at times. She has good qualities: she is a hard worker, she was a great cook, and she always kept her house very well organized and clean.  For a time, she made me an important part of her life and cleaned my house and cooked dinner for me and my kids.  I will miss those times.

The craziness and violence started 3 years ago. It was little things at first, but then she ran her car into my garage, then ended up breaking into my house uninvited and threatened to kill herself with a knife. I was hurt, but not badly in that incident.

My kids always worried she was going to hurt me. So after that incident, I kept her away from them. In stupidly stayed involved with her, and let myself keep getting sucked back in after each push away cycle.

I thought if I just kept myself involved that eventually she would see that I really did care for her and if she would just relax and not worry about things so much, we could have a decent relationship. I gave more, more, more, I was totally not happy, but I was waiting for the big payoff.

I know I'm much better off with her not in my life and I know I have to stop caring and that over time things will get better, but it is not easy to break away. She makes me crazy. The thought of her sharing special moments with another person makes me feel sick.

I spend half of my time doing things to try to forget about her, sometimes it works! But then there are times in the day that are more difficult emotionally. Most of the time I am okay, but then sometimes I am not.

I haven't been able to sleep regularly in a while. It bothers me that she isn't able to be there for me, but she never has been, so I don't know why I even care. Maybe I am just lonely? Even when I spend time with other people it really doesn't help the feeling that I have a hole in my heart.

I am sad for her, because I know she isn't a bad person. I know it's not her fault. I know she lives most of the time barely able to control herself and sometimes, I see a decent caring person underneath all of the tragedy. I know she will do whatever she has to in order to survive and cope, but that doesn't help me feel better.

This whole relationship has not been good for me on any level, but I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to spend time with her at almost any cost. I spend time with her until I can't stand the pain anymore, then I leave until I can't stand the pain of being away.

I need to remind myself this is not the end of the world. I have good things in my life I should be thankful and appreciative of, she is not one of those things.

She is a tragedy, and I can't help her or continue to let her drag me down.

The hardest part is acceptance of reality. She was not capable of the kind of relationship I want. Why is it so hard to quit something I know is bad for me?

[rg1976]

Hi everyone.

There is no real story. I tried my best to keep things going in a totally dysfunctional relationship. We were together for nearly 4 years, but I never knew where things stood because any conversation I tried to initiate was always received as some kind of criticism and didn't go anywhere. She would end up screaming at me and going over the long list of reasons why she thought I was a horrible person.

It seemed the more I tried and the more of myself I gave, the worse things became.

Now we're broken up and she's decided to go talk with other guys. It's hard not to take everything personally and feel like a failure, even though I know it isn't about me or my feelings.

Some days are better than others and I have supportive friends and family, so I know I'll live.  My therapist says this was a very addictive relationship for me and I'm trying to recover. I thought things could be okay if I kept her at a distance so she couldn't continue to hurt me over and over, but it doesn't work like that for me.

Despite her flaws and etc. I loved her and tried my best.  There is no point in saying any of this to her because she doesn't care to listen to my intended meaning, she simply extracts the parts that can be twisted and turns it around to be about her and how she much she is upset.

To be perfectly honest, I knew within 3 months that the relationship wouldn't work out. I was lazy and didn't want to bother to find someone else who lived close and was convenient. The relatipnship wasn't all bad. She was nice and charming at times. She has good qualities: she is a hard worker, she was a great cook, and she always kept her house very well organized and clean.  For a time, she made me an important part of her life and cleaned my house and cooked dinner for me and my kids.  I will miss those times.

The craziness and violence started 3 years ago. It was little things at first, but then she ran her car into my garage, then ended up breaking into my house uninvited and threatened to kill herself with a knife. I was hurt, but not badly in that incident.

My kids always worried she was going to hurt me. So after that incident, I kept her away from them. In stupidly stayed involved with her, and let myself keep getting sucked back in after each push away cycle.

I thought if I just kept myself involved that eventually she would see that I really did care for her and if she would just relax and not worry about things so much, we could have a decent relationship. I gave more, more, more, I was totally not happy, but I was waiting for the big payoff.

I know I'm much better off with her not in my life and I know I have to stop caring and that over time things will get better, but it is not easy to break away. She makes me crazy. The thought of her sharing special moments with another person makes me feel sick.

I spend half of my time doing things to try to forget about her, sometimes it works! But then there are times in the day that are more difficult emotionally. Most of the time I am okay, but then sometimes I am not.

I haven't been able to sleep regularly in a while. It bothers me that she isn't able to be there for me, but she never has been, so I don't know why I even care. Maybe I am just lonely? Even when I spend time with other people it really doesn't help the feeling that I have a hole in my heart.

I am sad for her, because I know she isn't a bad person. I know it's not her fault. I know she lives most of the time barely able to control herself and sometimes, I see a decent caring person underneath all of the tragedy. I know she will do whatever she has to in order to survive and cope, but that doesn't help me feel better.

This whole relationship has not been good for me on any level, but I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to spend time with her at almost any cost. I spend time with her until I can't stand the pain anymore, then I leave until I can't stand the pain of being away.

I need to remind myself this is not the end of the world. I have good things in my life I should be thankful and appreciative of, she is not one of those things.

She is a tragedy, and I can't help her or continue to let her drag me down.

The hardest part is acceptance of reality. She was not capable of the kind of relationship I want. Why is it so hard to quit something I know is bad for me?

[JohnLove]

Hello rg1976... .I read your post and can feel your torment. It has been the same for me at times. If they are not prepared to commit to you or if there are distractions in the form of orbiters then it will be impossible to be happy in the relationship.  :'(

There is actually a very real story of a very real relationship where you had your needs met even if it was inconsistent, and didn't quite go to plan, or was only enjoyed for a while. The idealisation is unsustainable.

We all have flaws, we all have issues... .it just seems that someone with a mental illness has flaws and issues that are so much bigger than the rest of us.

I have my children being painted black at intermittent times. The acting out is restrained because although sometimes my BPDgf has a point, things are blown out of proportion and I won't stand for my children being degraded or devalued... .simple as that.

Your practice of radical acceptance and strong hold on your values are all healthy... .reality IS hard when it conflicts with our dreams and desires... .but reality is much harder to change. 

Too much sugar is bad for us as well... .have you quit that? 

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I can whole heartedly relate to your experience.  The more I gave, the worse things became.  What should have been the most peaceful and stable period in my r/s is what triggered my ex to runaway.

I know all about the addictive qualities.  You brain has been hardwired to crave her through this experience.  In a healthy r/s this is what helps humans bond while deeper connections are nurtured.  With a BPD the whole r/s is built upon that initial craving mechanism and this is why it is so difficult to detach.  Our reward circuits were overused, no different than a drug addiction.  As we leave we have to overcome the momentum of this unhealthy cycle and begin to rewire our minds in a healthy direction.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hey there,

I can identify with various parts of your story. 

What works for me when people react on my topics is to hear that they went through the same stuff. So that's what I'm giving you: I went through comparable stuff as well. Spend 4,5 years together, and I knew fairly early on that there was something wrong with her, I just couldn't really understand what. The constant attention she needed, constantly on the telephone with me, wanting to spend each day with me. It was suffocating but great at the same time because she really seemed obsessed with me. That's why it was easier to overlook the bad things.

Mine threated with suicide on multiple occassions, always when she wouldn't get her way. It could be over a small thing. The fact that she did that for no big reason at all made me even more pissed off, because it felt like - and WAS - manipulation on her part.

Now Im discarted and she already has a new guy to lovebomb. Its crazy making to think about it, after giving so much of myself away to her. But I have to keep in mind that he's going to get the same treatment as me.

Now its our time to heal. Its a long road, but we'll make it through. Day by day. Keep strong!

[Infared]

This is beautiful from CloseToFreedom:

"It was suffocating but great at the same time because she really seemed obsessed with me. That's why it was easier to overlook the bad things." I can't help but note the similarity to drug addiction in that comment! 

Yes.  We need to look at why that was OK with us and the more we understand that, the more we are free... .the more we heal.

Most of us here have been through, or are going through the ringer that you are right now,  rg.  It gets better with time. Your feelings are valid as most of us can back up, we had the EXACT same ones.  

I got support as much as I could (professional as well) and started to get out of myself by helping others when I could and being around good healthy people, doing healthy things.  Not unhealthy ones.  Sounds corny... .but it helps a lot.  I found that I needed to work on me and get to love me (not run right out all hurt and needy into another nightmare!).

Keep coming here and talking about your feelings... .it helped me sort things out and heal... .most definitely.

[rg1976]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies.  It is helpful.  It seems that I am mostly okay, but sometimes it is difficult.

I have struggled with this relationship for a long time, and have been here before when I decided I had enough, but I kept getting sucked back in.

Now that she is trying to move on with her life, I think it's best if I do the same.  I am hopeful that I will be able to come here in a few months and post that I am doing better.

Thanks again,

rg