How do you handle Facebook?

[K1313]

Hey all.   Hope everyone is doing well.

I was wondering how everyone handles their BPD person/family member on Facebook?

My mother has been in one of her waif moods today. It started with a flurry of emails including one to all 3 of her kids saying she was "sad today" and little else. I didn't reply but then she called (despite her calling me yesterday and saying she was doing it then so that she didn't interrupt my weekend with my husband) and I ignored it. She left no voicemail so I waited until I was out of the house to text that I was out with friends but saw she had called - was everything okay? No reply. Fine. But then I come home and she's flooded my FB page by tagging me in random posts and by taking photos of me (of which there are maybe 3?) from my page and editing them and putting them on her page.

All in all, a busy day for her. I've managed to keep my resolve and not react since that's what I think she wants. But FB is becoming a source of stress for me and I'd be curious for some feedback on how you all handle it.

[hanawa]

Luckily my mom doesn't use Facebook (she is paranoid about it), but she does go on email rants so badly that she'll email my sister instead of me. Rage is blind, after all. these tags she does of you, are they malicious? Are they to provoke a response from you, like an extra-needy compulsive poking? What is she gaining from it? Is it just for herself? Often my mom writes emails to her sister or an old friend to distract herself and satisfy an attention need that I'm not willing to satisfy.

[K1313]

these tags she does of you, are they malicious? Are they to provoke a response from you, like an extra-needy compulsive poking? What is she gaining from it? Is it just for herself? Often my mom writes emails to her sister or an old friend to distract herself and satisfy an attention need that I'm not willing to satisfy.

They're not malicious, thankfully. I think it's just her trying to get attention. But she has at times friended people I know but she doesn't (or at least not well enough to justify adding them). She also did something recently where a friend of hers wrote something that was full of errors ("your" instead of "you're" and "there" instead of "their". They said something along the lines of "It's not my fault if your to stupid too understand my jokes" or however it was worded. My mother responded by calling him stupid and telling him to hire me (she tagged me for the comment) to edit his posts (I edit for a living). It just felt weird and mean.

She has some diehard political views and views against religion and she'll post really negative stuff. One person disagreed with her on something and she told them they were lowering her intelligence and to remove themselves. Just petty stuff that I'm put off by. I don't follow her anymore so I don't see it as much which helps but... .She's still tagging me in everything and just generally hijacking what used to be a simple way to keep in touch with people.

[clljhns]

Hi K1313,

But FB is becoming a source of stress for me and I'd be curious for some feedback on how you all handle it

Fortunately for me, my uBPDmom does not have a FB account, so I have never had to deal with the situation your in. How would it feel to unfriend her to maintain your privacy? If this does not feel like a good solution, you do have the ability to control who sees your posts on FB. You just need to lick on the lock and then select "who can see my posts". You can specify who you want to see your posts.

Setting boundaries are so important for your sanity and your privacy.

Hope this helps!

All the best. 

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I feel for you because I am dealing with the same.   Try a drunk BPD person!   

All you can do is use the features at hand if you choose to remain a friend.   Unfollowing them is good.   That way you don't have to cut them off as friend but don't have to see the nonsense.

Blocking is helpful too... .you can tell them you don't do private texts thru facebook if that is issue.

Facebook is a nightmare tool for anyone having BPD or other mental issues.  People that drink too much and post is yet another nightmare.

Good luck!

[claudiaduffy]

They're not malicious, thankfully. I think it's just her trying to get attention. But she has at times friended people I know but she doesn't (or at least not well enough to justify adding them). ... .

My mother responded by calling him stupid and telling him to hire me (she tagged me for the comment) to edit his posts (I edit for a living). It just felt weird and mean. ... .

Just petty stuff that I'm put off by. I don't follow her anymore so I don't see it as much which helps but... .She's still tagging me in everything and just generally hijacking what used to be a simple way to keep in touch with people.

Your uBPDm sounds a lot like mine, K1313. She lives 12 hours away from me, but tries to "get to know" my husband on FB (he and I have been married for about a year and a half, and she's spent two full weekends with him since we started dating - weekends that were fine and comfortable enough, but not enough to get them "close" like she wants.  ), tagging him in comments to posts that have nothing to do with him, asking borderline-inappropriate and weird questions of him and of me on the topic of him. She also pokes at me frequently, trying to get my interaction and attention, grabbing photos of me or my friends and editing them and posting them on her page. Posting random things and tagging me in them, asking if I think the thing in question is cool or interesting or doesn't it remind me of something she's feeling nostalgic about.

Today she tagged both of us, along with my brother, sister-in-law, and sister, in a text meme saying -

I want you to think about your parents for a moment.

Your birthday is their celebration

Your happiness is their joy

Your future is their legacy

If they had to bury you, it would kill them

So please next time they say "be safe"

or "let me know you get there ok"

don't just brush it off,

because to them, you are everything.

ARGH. ... .by the way, I'm 35, have been financially independent and self-sufficient since before college, and it's been over a month since mom has called me (I've called her twice during that time.) I literally can't remember the last time she was interested enough about my life to know when I'm traveling or anything. She HAS increased trying to know about my life since I got married, because she constantly wants to know what our plans are for having kids.

All that to say, I feel your irritation. Do you ever wish she'd up her game to do really awful stuff so you could feel justified in full-out blocking her? ... .I do. But until then, FB is one of the things that keeps her somewhat off my back with phone calls and all.

[K1313]

All that to say, I feel your irritation. Do you ever wish she'd up her game to do really awful stuff so you could feel justified in full-out blocking her? ... .I do. But until then, FB is one of the things that keeps her somewhat off my back with phone calls and all.

I totally have that thought a lot and then promptly feel so guilty for it.

[claudiaduffy]

All that to say, I feel your irritation. Do you ever wish she'd up her game to do really awful stuff so you could feel justified in full-out blocking her? ... .I do. But until then, FB is one of the things that keeps her somewhat off my back with phone calls and all.

I totally have that thought a lot and then promptly feel so guilty for it.

 I don't feel guilty. I just feel like it's a pointless hope and I'd spend my time better investing in duck feather implants so it can all just roll off my back... .

[nomom4me]

I don't handle my mom on facebook, too many work contacts.  I've learned to do a risk/benefit rundown before doing anything with my mother, more often than not I would be absorbing risk for her benefit.  I lived my entire life without that woman's approval, a "like" on a picture or a post isn't going to fix that and the real risk is that she'll post the kinds of things she says about me in a forum of my peers.

[carolynhope]

She has some diehard political views and views against religion and she'll post really negative stuff. One person disagreed with her on something and she told them they were lowering her intelligence and to remove themselves. Just petty stuff that I'm put off by. I don't follow her anymore so I don't see it as much which helps but... .She's still tagging me in everything and just generally hijacking what used to be a simple way to keep in touch with people.

Wow, I can really relate with this!  I avoided 'friending' my uBPD MIL for a very long time on FB and once I did, I saw immediately that I should block her posts from my news feed.  She is also very political and opinionated and being BPD CAN NOT handle anyone who disagrees with her.  She goes on rampages.  She finally told me she wasn't going to post anything on FB about politics because no one really cares what she thinks. Now she posts cutsie pictures and videos of dogs all day long and tags me and a host of other people in every single one to try to get us to interact with her. She has friended many of my friends and family who she barely knows

So here is how I dealt with it.  I've changed my privacy setting so I have to approve everything that gets posted to my page.  That way I can 'like' what she posted and even comment but it doesn't clutter up my own page with her stuff (which would be a ton of stuff!).  Then I took her off my newsfeed so I don't have to have her in my face everytime I look at FB.  And finally, I often use a custom setting for my own posts where I just exclude her from seeing my post.  That way if there is even a remote chance that what I posted can be turned into some sort of polarizing political debate, it doesn't happen because she can't see it or if I just don't want/need her in my business I'll exclude her.  I posted that my daughter finally received help from the state (she is disabled) meaning it to be celebratory and she launched into "You having to wait so long is an example of our inefficient state government... .blah, blah blah" and one of my friends chimed in with a slightly opposing thought and you'd have thought WWIII broke out for my MIL to the point of me having to email my friend and say... ."please, just stop responding to her comments."  She told me "I already figured that out that, I'm sorry"

Facebook adds a whole new dimension to this crazy roller coaster.