We're back in touch

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Wish me good luck 

Disclaimer: I know this is the Leaving Board and NC is considered here as an important tool for detachement.

Also, in many cases, maintaing friendship with a pwBPDxso proved to be impossible.

However, I am in a stable relationship now and not looking to rekindle any romantic relationship with her.

We've met a couple weeks ago, one on one, after I initiated contact and invited her to meet while she's in town. We had a terrific meeting and open conversation about where we are in our lives and relationships and finally touched on what happened and the reason she broke off and rejected contact with me - felt like closure after such a long time (well over a year since we had an open talk like that).

Anyhow, we decided to try to keep in touch and restore our friendship since we both care about it and about each other.  She confirmed that she appreciates me as a friend and as an important figure in her life that affected her much and took a major part in her personal development process, but it is still hard for her, emotionally, to meet me since "it as too much [/intensive] for her" as she honestly put it.

I hope it all goes well and I'm aware of the potential for collateral damage. So far everything seems sane, genuine, and in good faith.

Thanks for reading. I'll keep posting if there's any interesting progress, either positive or negative... .

[trappedinlove]

Wish me good luck 

Disclaimer: I know this is the Leaving Board and NC is considered here as an important tool for detachement.

Also, in many cases, maintaing friendship with a pwBPDxso proved to be impossible.

However, I am in a stable relationship now and not looking to rekindle any romantic relationship with her.

We've met a couple weeks ago, one on one, after I initiated contact and invited her to meet while she's in town. We had a terrific meeting and open conversation about where we are in our lives and relationships and finally touched on what happened and the reason she broke off and rejected contact with me - felt like closure after such a long time (well over a year since we had an open talk like that).

Anyhow, we decided to try to keep in touch and restore our friendship since we both care about it and about each other.  She confirmed that she appreciates me as a friend and as an important figure in her life that affected her much and took a major part in her personal development process, but it is still hard for her, emotionally, to meet me since "it as too much [/intensive] for her" as she honestly put it.

I hope it all goes well and I'm aware of the potential for collateral damage. So far everything seems sane, genuine, and in good faith.

Thanks for reading. I'll keep posting if there's any interesting progress, either positive or negative... .

[Copperfox]

Interesting story, trappedinlove.  I'm sure many on this board would be interested in how it goes over the coming weeks.  Keep us updated.

[Restored2]

Hi trappedinlove.  It seems amazing to me that she responded back to you making contact with her, considering that she was the one who broke off and rejected contact with you before.  Was she able to clarify what happened and her reasoning for breaking up and rejecting contact with you?  I wish you well with everything.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Does your partner know about this?  If so does she know about the BPD?  In my humble opinion you are creating a very dangerous triangle - and If this was not the case you would not have a concern to post here about it!  My advice is to retain the distance once again and concentrate on yourself and your new relationship.  I understand where you are at: I too am in a relationship but every now and then the exupbdgf appears in my head.  Perhaps would be fun to go there but the consequences would be way too tragic.  Stick with what you have if you are happy.

[trappedinlove]

Hi trappedinlove.  It seems amazing to me that she responded back to you making contact with her, considering that she was the one who broke off and rejected contact with you before.

Thanks.  It took some time and patience.

I told her I'd be happy to meey with hrr when she feels ready a couple months ago and she said she'll be glad to and then nothing happened. Later, we met socially in an event regarding a common friend and we all met there (us and both current partners).  This time, I stumbled upon a quote that accuratly fit her and reminded me of her so much and I couldn't help myself sending it to her.

She liked it and mentioned she's on her way to town so I casually proposed "then how about we meet over a cup of coffee" and there you go... .

Was she able to clarify what happened and her reasoning for breaking up and rejecting contact with you?  I wish you well with everything.

The breaking up part was complicated. When she broke contact we weren't actually in a r/s. We had an emotional love affair prior to that while she was with somebody else.

Sadly, now I know I was "the replacement" sorta. But ahe eventually decided not to leave him and we remained very close and truly best friends for a couple more years.  I stayed madly in love with her all that time and just couldn't move on. (I wish I had found bpdfamily earlier with that respect... .). To make a long story short, the guy eventually broke up with her, after 10 years in a r/s and then all hell broke loose.  I was so hopeful that our time has come and so were all our common friends who knew how close we were and saw us falling in love with each other so it wad obvious, well for a non that is... .  But she wasn't ready. Shr freaked out after her b/u and wanted "to celebrate her being single" as she put it back then, and I was devastated. Ended up with a broken heart, and she couldn't take it. She told me then that she really wishes me love but she just can't provide it to me and that makes her feel so much guilt and this is sopainful to her that she needs to keep a safe distance.  This time she simply said that it was too much for her, my feelings for her at the time, that it overwhelmed her. It's reasonable and I've no problem relating to that just the extreme way things happened then: painting me black, implusively moving out to a different town, starting an intense r/s with a dude she's just met and adored him, posting the r/s all over her fb, etc really devastated me when I felt so invested in her, being a codependent rescuer myself (nice being smart after affect ).

[trappedinlove]

Does your partner know about this?  If so does she know about the BPD?  In my humble opinion you are creating a very dangerous triangle - and If this was not the case you would not have a concern to post here about it!  My advice is to retain the distance once again and concentrate on yourself and your new relationship.  I understand where you are at: I too am in a relationship but every now and then the exupbdgf appears in my head.  Perhaps would be fun to go there but the consequences would be way too tragic.  Stick with what you have if you are happy.

My partner knows about the whole story from the beginning and about the BPD and about us meeting and the intention to remain friends. She is ok with it as long as everything is out in the open and it doesn't become emotional. My promise to my partner was that as soon as I feel it is inappropriate I will break away but she knows how important it is for me not lose that friendship. We'll see. I feel it's worth fighting for and worth a try.

[Blimblam]

Thanks for sharing this.

It seems like she still has feelings for you.  But your really lucky to have that talk with her and remember the boundaries. 

I think no contact can really be a useful tool but mainly because we often are addicted to them and it is our own addiction that has become the main problem.  If you decide to remain acquaintances/ friends that's fine as long as you are fair to your partner and are honest with yourself and her  about it. 

I think if that's what you want to do that is great. 

[Targeted]

Potential problem,

She has no boundries, she will do as she pleases! Just like you could not stop her leaving when her feelings turned off for a moment if her feelings come back she may love bomb you without reguard for your partner. If her feelings get strong I'm sure your partner may get tired of the letters, phone calls, emails, texts, her just bumping into you somewhere ( she will stalk you ) if she decides she wants you back do you have the energy to put into battling her attempts?  Does your partner? Just something to think about.

[trappedinlove]

Thanks for sharing this.

It seems like she still has feelings for you.  But your really lucky to have that talk with her and remember the boundaries. 

I think no contact can really be a useful tool but mainly because we often are addicted to them and it is our own addiction that has become the main problem.  If you decide to remain acquaintances/ friends that's fine as long as you are fair to your partner and are honest with yourself and her  about it. 

I think if that's what you want to do that is great. 

Thanks for understanding, Blimblam.

[trappedinlove]

Potential problem,

She has no boundries, she will do as she pleases! Just like you could not stop her leaving when her feelings turned off for a moment if her feelings come back she may love bomb you without reguard for your partner. If her feelings get strong I'm sure your partner may get tired of the letters, phone calls, emails, texts, her just bumping into you somewhere ( she will stalk you ) if she decides she wants you back do you have the energy to put into battling her attempts?  :)oes your partner? Just something to think about.

In theory you have a point, but:

1. Remember that the boundaries are defined and established by you, not by anybody else.  You set the boundary and it's up to you to communicate it. The other side always has the choice of respecting your boundary or not and you choose how to react in case it was not respected. So it's more about me than her with respect to boundaries.

2. She was never this kinda BPD-crazy obsessed.  We had the obsessive phase of our r/s when we were in constant "mind-synced" communication but it was mutual and special experience. She acts more in a "BPD waify" way to any act of abandonment and if I'd ask her to get out if my life I believe she'd be gone, prabably feeling very hurt from my perceived rejection, and would do her best to obliterate me from her consciousness as far as I know her and seen with other r/s's she had.

The potential problem I anticipate is her pervious ability to projct her disordered thinking and convince (some might say manipulate, but I'm not sure it's deliberate) me to participate in an unhealthy love triangle. I am stronger, smarter, and much more aware of that today vs. 2-3 years ago so I won't let that happen.

For me, I invited her back into my life as a friend and I set the rules this time. For example, on the time all of us met in a common friend's event, we traveled to the town they live in and she invited us over for dinner and offered we can sleep at her place while she sleeps over at her bf's. This was really out of context and out of place so I politely refused then.  Now, when we met 1x1, I reminded her of that and told her it was really premature to do that and we must first break the ice between the two of us before considering meeting all together. She completely understood that and agreed with me.

So the point I'm trying to make is with the understanding of her BPD traits I'm much more capable today to accept her the way she is and assertively react to that in ways that keep me safe and at the same time, don't trigger her.

[SlyQQ]

it is easy to be caught out i would not feel safe if i was in a relationship, an my ex appeared, as it is

i see my ex fairly regularly an it is all well an good but i regard myself safe from actions on her part otherwise i would not be so comfortable

[Mutt]

So the point I'm trying to make is with the understanding of her BPD traits I'm much more capable today to accept her the way she is and assertively react to that in ways that keep me safe and at the same time, don't trigger her.

I agree. I've stopped minimal contact for about a month with my ex.

I understand the disorder and her behaviors are not personal to me. Communicating differently has been a huge help with being less triggering.

So far she's asked me if she could have the kids on a Saturday that's on my weekend. She wants to take them all to a birthday party and I think it's to make herself feel better in front of his family. I saw that she was being secretive and I asked "Who's birthday?" She said a family friend. I'm guessing it's her boyfriends niece I responded with a simple " I'm sorry, No".

It shows to me that she's thinking about herself and not that it's not appropriate on dad's time. I understand if it's taking the kids to a birthday for a school friend and in this case, it's my time and I take them. She'll ask something that falls to the side where it's a need for her and again and I can be polite.

It shows her lack of personal boundaries and understanding the boundaries of others; accepting that this the way that she is and likely will not change and that my old behaviors were a trigger for her. We're not romantically involved and it's simply bridging a divide for my family because it causes tension with my kids that mom and dad don't talk.

So far, things have gone rather smoothly as I've been validating the valid and not have taken her behaviors not personal and been more constructive than critical. Miles apart from where we were. It takes one person for change.

She said a simple "Ok".

[Restored2]

You're welcome, trappedinlove.  Thanks for sharing.  Sounds like an interesting turn of events that brought it all together in quite a complicated relationship.  Her running away from you is typical BPD traits of engulfment fears.  Hopefully you can at least be on friendly terms with each other.

[JRT]

how long were you NC?

[trappedinlove]

how long were you NC?

We were in LC last 15 months or so with periods of several weeks between contacts.

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly have you really sat down and asked yourself "What do I get out of being `Friends` with Her?      If you have to search for answers on that question it sounds like you are wasting time and effort on someone who will never appreciate it instead of on someone else that would.      Best of Luck

[downwhim]

I too am trying to figure out why press for a friendship? If you were my boyfriend, I would not want you pressing so hard to be friends with an old girlfriend. Seems odd to me, but if that is what you chose it is up to you. I realize you both have others too but not sure what a friendship with ex BPD w bring... .

[trappedinlove]

Honestly have you really sat down and asked yourself "What do I get out of being `Friends` with Her?      If you have to search for answers on that question it sounds like you are wasting time and effort on someone who will never appreciate it instead of on someone else that would.      Best of Luck

Hi there Scot, of course I asked myself that.

And for me there no `quotes`, surrounding being friends.

She was a true friend to me and hopefully we will remain friends for life.

What makes you assert she is "someone who will never appreciate it"?

I'd try to refrain from stereotypical, black and white thinking regarding anyone, even if they have BPD.

In her case, even right before she painted me black she told me how much she appreciates me and values our friendship but she needs to distant herself.  It made no sense to me then because of her disorder and inability to integrate conflicting emotions she had but that doesn't mean it was a lie... .

[trappedinlove]

I too am trying to figure out why press for a friendship? If you were my boyfriend, I would not want you pressing so hard to be friends with an old girlfriend. Seems odd to me, but if that is what you chose it is up to you. I realize you both have others too but not sure what a friendship with ex BPD w bring... .

I hope I'm not pressing for friendship but rather I'm inviting and enabling one.  Besides the importance of her as a friend to me we have many common friends and it's totally awkward we are in NC so breaking the ice also relieves some unneeded stress that just doesn't make sense.

[ScotisGone74]

Trapped Im not asserting any stereotypical thinking  regarding BPD.     In your previous posts you stated that she broke your heart and now you are "inviting and welcoming" a friendship with that person while in another relationship, truly do you think that is Healthy for any of you?    Alot of us are here because at one time or another we thought we were special or different to our exBpd, but as it turns out we werent, Brother you re no different        Good luck in your pursuits. 

[trappedinlove]

Update: we've met yesterday in her place and the meeting went very well. We had a lot to catch up on but didn't get nostalgic or anything, just talked about our lives and a bit about our present relationships.  It felt close, natural, and friendly. We hugged goodbye and both of us agreed it was great to meet and we should see each other again.

[ghoststory]

yeah hate to be a drop of rain on the parade but I have to agree with the more negative aspect, your attention is wanted not your friendship, you have moved on and she knows it a borderline never completely lets go, like children they ignore their toys until someone else starts to play with them and they are briefly interested again but when they know they have retained the toy, back in the box it goes to be ignored again

[trappedinlove]

yeah hate to be a drop of rain on the parade but I have to agree with the more negative aspect, your attention is wanted not your friendship, you have moved on and she knows it a borderline never completely lets go, like children they ignore their toys until someone else starts to play with them and they are briefly interested again but when they know they have retained the toy, back in the box it goes to be ignored again

ghoststory, thanks for your response. I can imagine you went through a painful breakup that makes you feel so negatively. However, what you describe is extremely streotypical. It may apply to many pwBPD's but I want to focus on what's real and present, not on streotypes. Therefore, it's up to her if she wants to be in contact with me and keep my as a friend. I need to feel that. I'm done chasing her. As I said I'm opened to recovering our friendship as long as it's mutual and in good faith. If I'm proven wrong then sadly she will have lost a good friend. Possibly one of the few who understands her disorder and accepts her the way she is (with appropriate boundaries of course)

[Perfidy]

Nothing is ever what it seems. Only nothing.

[trappedinlove]

trappedinlove, I'm glad the meeting went well! You seem to be in a good place and mindset about this.

I'm CC/LC with my exBPDbf. We all have to find our own paths. If down the road, you think NC is warranted again, you have that choice available. The important thing is that you take care of yourself first. It sounds like you're doing that.  

HappyNihilist, thanks. I'm glad to hear it's working for you. I'm taking much better care of myself now and that's one of the important lessons I've learned from this traumatic r/s.

I guess that I'm doing something right since, unrelatedly, my D19 who was diagnosed with BPD traits told me a couple days ago she wants to start therapy to understand herself better, why she reacts to stuff the way she does, and to figure out why people misunderstand her and her intentions and improve on that.  She asked for my help finding a T and with funding (we agreed on splitting the fees 50/50 between us)

[Loosestrife]

It sounds like you are following your instincts. I hope it goes well for you. We are always here, so keep us posted 

[ghoststory]

well it is true I have been through a few BPD relationships and recycles friend and relationships I am not trying to be negative because I know the excitement of being back on good terms in fact I have one BPD friend myself who is an ex the difference is she is the only one to accept she has a problem and tries to be self aware but even in her case I am still the emotional back up plan and gone again soon , and I have also accepted that is the case with her ,, just saying let logic over rule emotion and go into it with a protect your self mode ... .BPD is an illness they are not stereotypes they are symptoms you wouldn't ignore a friends giant blue blemish because you don't want to appear stereotypical about disease you would ask if they are getting that looked at to avoid more illness  ... .I really do hope the best