Adult Child w/BPD Was Cruel and Hateful, Shut me Out

[Torn Heart]

I am in my sixties and my very beloved 25 year old daughter has BPD diagnosed by doctors.  2 years ago she came to stay for a few days with me.  She and I live 300 miles apart.  We were going to a casino for their wonderful pool area, where she sunbathed while I gambled.  I am a recovering  alcoholic, but I have a weakness in casinos for their free drinks.  I was in a party mood and had a few beers over 2 hour period.  When it was time to go, my daughter came from the pool as I was walking through the casino to get her.  She saw my eyes and demeanor and knew I had been drinking.  To me, it was no big deal because she allowed me a few beers in our previous visit.  This time she completely clammed up, drove us home, and then locked the bedroom door and wouldn't speak to me.  She left the following morning telling me that she never wanted to speak to me again.

I collapsed into a complete suicidal meltdown, and since I have a serious mood disorder, I was afraid for myself as I was unable to handle the pain this caused me.  I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital and was there for 2 weeks.  During my stay in the hospital, my daughter sent me a 5-page letter with the most cruel, hateful, abominably horrible words, cutting me down as a mother and telling me never to contact her or try to see her again.  Those of you with BPD family members can probably relate to how devastatingly cruel that family member can be.  It was lucky that I was already in a psychiatric hospital because I had counselors and doctors to help me through the pain of her letter.

Two years have gone by, and I am still an outcast.  She is graduating from college this May, and all my life I sacrificed so much, so much, to get her through college.  But she will not invite me to the graduation, and has also cut out her sister from her life.  There is nothing I can say or do to get her back into my life.  I have been sober for 2 years, and am so sad not to know what is happening in her life.  I can only get a little information from a different sister and my mother.  Apparently, she has moved in with a man (married) who supposedly left his wife for her, and he is 20 years older then she.  During the 2 years of being banished, I found out she had a 3- day stay in a hospital for suicidal ideations.  She also dropped out of college for one year, because she couldn't take the pressure.  But now she is back and I am proud of that.

I need support from others who are banished from a cruel child, who was so beloved and sweet and kind until at age 20 this illness struck her.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Torn Heart 

So glad to have you here!

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your daughter is broken at this time.  The bond between a parent and child is so strong that when that bond is broken it can be so very painful.

It is good that you had help to get you through the initial shock and I can understand that the pain only continues.

Do you think your daughter's abandonment fears were triggered when she saw that you had been drinking?  Have you studied much about this disorder?

Do you have a support system in place to help you continue in your sobriety?  What have you learned about yourself through your recovery that can translate over into your relationship difficulties with your daughter?

We can help you through support, information sharing, sharing personal experiences and educational materials.  If you check out the information on the sidebar you will find a great deal of information to get you started on your journey towards a more peace filled life while staying in the desire to have a relationship with your daughter.

Others will be along in time to respond to you as well.  I just want you to know that I care and want to help.



lbjnltx

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Torn Heart &

I'd like to join lbjnltx in inviting you to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page... .The TOOLS and THE LESSONS will give you very good information about how your daughter's mind works, and insights into how to deal with that. Something else to check out are our Feature Articles (also linked to under the 4 photos at the top of this Board's thread listing page); the advice and tips will be very helpful for you, I think.

At this time of (temporary, I'm sure) No Contact with your daughter, the best thing you can do is learn all you can about this disorder, and start taking care of you and your own-wellbeing... .Have you ever read "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger or "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? Many of the members of this site have found these books to be helpful in turning things around with our BPD loved ones.

I've experienced No Contact enacted by my son and his wife, in the past, and getting through it wasn't easy, and the heartbreak was depressing and ever-present for me during that time... .Reading all the links I've mentioned to you above, and the 2 books above, also, helped me immensely. And the No Contact ended (really because of the things I changed about myself and the outreach I learned, due to that information), and things are very good now... .It's possible to survive this pain, Torn Heart, and to make things better. We'd love to help you with that