Are they ashamed to split you white?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Having read lots of threads and posted quite a few of my own on here, I wondered about whether they are ever too ashamed to split you white? What I am getting at is despite been replaced within days and the last communication been nasty in terms of projection - I did call her out. She knew that I thought it very poor to have a replacement lined up (she I guess would deny this), plus I did make the point to her that she was suffering from BPD and the amount of projection from her was enormous. She clearly suggested it was me that mentally ill etc. controlling, cheating - projection etc.

The point being, having had some lurking on my Facebook and some indirect contact (two or three weeks ago - we split in late October which was the final discard) with my friends girlfriend,who is not her friend and someone she has never called before is she likely or less likely to contact me as she might be ashamed or guilty of being find out? I guess none of her ex's are as well researched about the disorder. Does it make me likely or less likely to be split white - or is the above just irrelevant?

[confused1730]

Having read lots of threads and posted quite a few of my own on here, I wondered about whether they are ever too ashamed to split you white? What I am getting at is despite been replaced within days and the last communication been nasty in terms of projection - I did call her out. She knew that I thought it very poor to have a replacement lined up (she I guess would deny this), plus I did make the point to her that she was suffering from BPD and the amount of projection from her was enormous. She clearly suggested it was me that mentally ill etc. controlling, cheating - projection etc.

The point being, having had some lurking on my Facebook and some indirect contact (two or three weeks ago - we split in late October which was the final discard) with my friends girlfriend,who is not her friend and someone she has never called before is she likely or less likely to contact me as she might be ashamed or guilty of being find out? I guess none of her ex's are as well researched about the disorder. Does it make me likely or less likely to be split white - or is the above just irrelevant?

[Alberto]

If you suggested she has a mental disorder you're blacker than black. They have chronic feelings of shame so now you are a constant reminder of her inadequacies, and that makes them spiral into deep pain.

[Mutt]

A pwBPD view people as either all good or all bad and have difficulties seeing the grey areas. Some pwBPD will not acknowledge that they have a problem let alone a personality disorder. Splitting is a defense mechanism and when your split black - stay away / come close. Shesubconsciously sees you as a bad for something she perceives and for something she experienced in her past with her core wound.

Alberto is correct she has chronic feelings of shame and guilt, guilt is feeling like you've done something wrong.  Shame is feeling like there's something wrong with you.

Your correct she knows she's done something wrong and your triggering feelings of guilt and shame. I'd also like to add she has feelings of low self worth, and causes an individual to feel vulnerable, helpless and shamed.

Projection is attributing one's actions and negative feelings unto someone else.

What are you triggering by calling her out? Her self image of low self worth, shame, guilt attributed by her actions subconsciously triggered by maladaptive coping mechanisms to protect her from feeling pain.

[confused1730]

Mutt - thanks. I appreciate and understand your response. What I am interested in is whether they split back to white over time - hence the recycles I read of - hence the far from random contact to my friends girlfriend... .what are your thoughts? Does me calling her out make me less of a recycle attempt than other ex partners?

[Mutt]

I was split black for nearly 3 years. I was angry, hurt and in pain and she abandoned me. I said directed a lot of anger at her and got a similar response like yours.

A few months ago I noticed she was trying to be friendly and in appropriately inviting me to family things on her time with the kids with her boyfriend. I'm not comfortable because she had an affair with him and we're separate constellations - two families. I don't want to get involved in their stuff with my kids on their time.

That being said I noticed she was increasingly trying to become friendlier and I clued in I'm split white. It's a need for her, she wants intimacy and fears it and her abandonment fears are likely triggered and wants emotional support.

My best advice. Let things be. Give her space. Your split black and take this time to heal, detach and look at why your wanting to recycle the relationship. I'm split white because she has a need.

[JRT]

My r/s ended 6 months ago and I am split even blacker now that before. My suspicion is that her hope was to have me contact her despite having raised significant boundaries to doing so where I backed off. Must have pissed her off to the extent that she is demanding that her friends who had unfriended on social media months ago, now go through the redundant step of blocking me. Like shooting an already dead body just one last time, its just pure anger.

[confused1730]

Mutt/JRT - what is your experienced take (compared to me) on the fact that she contacted my friends girlfriend two/three weeks back - let me give you context. My ex gf does not know my friends gf as she has only met her three times and every time in the company as a foursome - she never rang her texted her or befriended her and has not seen her for 12 months as well... .i know it is hard for you to say but is it because:

a.  I am seeing very slowly a new healthy female and she has got wind of it and is trying to check it out (I only live three miles away from my ex)

b.  Is she keeping tabs on me through indirect/proxy contact?

c. Could it be replacements idealisation phase is showing cracks?

d. Could I slowly be being split white or is four months or so not that long in the BPD world?

e. Is it to make me jealous by trying to tell my friend who didn't speak to her but replied politely by text that her life is amazing and that her new soulmate is great so that it gets back to me... .?

Give me some pointers guys please!

[JRT]

My opinion:

a-ABSOLUTELY! Natural even for a non-BPD

b-very clearly... .is this her only avenue?

c-it usually does at some point, it might be that time

d-i have hear it happen in less time and sometimes in years

e-it could be... .but this is very difficult to say

Does that help?

[confused1730]

JRT Thanks - it helps and see my additional comments:

a-ABSOLUTELY! Natural even for a non-BPD... .I don't know but she certainly has wind that I am in a relationship

b-very clearly... .is this her only avenue? JRT - it is as she has only one other phone number that of my best friend who would certainly not speak with her. It is her only route but my friends gf clearly but politely did not engage and cut her off... .do BPD's get mad with this or leave it some time and try again or look at more direct contact?


c-it usually does at some point, it might be that time... .I have no count idealisation lasts a certain period - for me it was 6 months but for all I know she may with a different "soulmate " now to who she replaced me with in November - plus, its her birthday in a couple of weeks - unlikely to dump someone when presents and needs can be obtained.

d-i have hear it happen in less time and sometimes in years... .there has only been two contacts in four months - one the instance I wrote about and one on 21 December when she saw me in my car and I saw her and then 10 hours later I got the text "please refrain from driving dangerously to get my attention"  - needless to say I did not response. Suspect that was a shame and guilt text on her part as she saw me you would have thought she had seen a ghost.

e-it could be... .but this is very difficult to say... .yes, I think there would have been other ways to do this perhaps.

Does that help?

[JRT]

b-I think you have your answer there... .if that is her only avenue of approach, then she is exercising it

c-keep in mind that they NEVER fully detach... .of all of the accounts that I have read, it seems to predominate that even when they are in married r/s's, that they still keep tabs on their ex's. Mine continues to paint me black and I know for sure that she is checking up on me I believe daily after 6 months of the silent treatment.

d-I recall reading this... .funny how they twist things... .I know my ex is selling people on me being a stalker and a 'psycho'. Nice huh?

[confused1730]

JRT - it is certainly crazy and it seems you are far more well versed in this than me and you are actually a real help. What happens to me is that I get stronger day by day and have met a "mentally healthy" normal girl and we are taking things slow and just enjoying each others company. The problem I have is that the 21 December episode set me back a while and I then start to do ok and then the indirect contact as I term it with my friends gf sets me back again - part of me is thinking (hoping - which is ridiculous) does she want a recycle and am I an option to her despite calling her BPD when we split - she just went crazy and projected hugely - I also found out last week than in the 18 months we were together on one of the splits of a week or so she had one night stand on a night out - yet she projected that I was a cheat and she was pathologically jealous - I could not mention a work colleague who was female yet secretly she had slept with another guy. I am now sure that whenever else we split up she would have gone and filled her emotional needs with other impulsive one night stands - I could never ever believe her in the future. Difficult for you but does you gut say that the contact with my friends gf about re-engagement or just trying to keep tabs - again, tough for you but can I expect some indirect contact or Facebook stalking - having said that she is blocked as are her family from my page.

[FrenchConnection]

Mutt - thanks. I appreciate and understand your response. What I am interested in is whether they split back to white over time - hence the recycles I read of - hence the far from random contact to my friends girlfriend... .what are your thoughts? Does me calling her out make me less of a recycle attempt than other ex partners?

My exBPD girlfriend and i recycled 3 times in total.  Each time our relationship stopped i mentioned that there was something wrong with her mental state of mind.  On the 2nd break up i actually told her i think she has BPD.  Each time i was projected onto and painted so black that she cursed at me; called me names and humiliated me as much as she could.  Then a period of NC would ensue.  For each of those breakups within a 2 month period she would paint me white again.  Basically it would begin with a conversation over the phone and she would never apologize for any of the things she said when the relationship ended, but just comment how much she missed me and loved me.

So to answer your question, yes it is possible for her to see you completely white again.  But if you are out of that relationship i encourage you to move on and find a healthy relationship.

[JRT]

It seems to be how recovery and healing goes; there are ups and there are downs... .I have them as well... .of all the accounts that I have read, almost all of them seem to have a situation where the exBPD attempts to reengage on some level... .its not 100% but it might be a good idea not only to brace for it, but also to establish an official position and think of what you are going to say when it happens.

You and I deserve better than to be treated like we were... .I am glad that you are are in the onset of a healthy r/s... .I hope that it goes well for you!

[JRT]

Mutt - thanks. I appreciate and understand your response. What I am interested in is whether they split back to white over time - hence the recycles I read of - hence the far from random contact to my friends girlfriend... .what are your thoughts? Does me calling her out make me less of a recycle attempt than other ex partners?

My exBPD girlfriend and i recycled 3 times in total.  Each time our relationship stopped i mentioned that there was something wrong with her mental state of mind.  On the 2nd break up i actually told her i think she has BPD.  Each time i was projected onto and painted so black that she cursed at me; called me names and humiliated me as much as she could.  Then a period of NC would ensue.  For each of those breakups within a 2 month period she would paint me white again.  Basically it would begin with a conversation over the phone and she would never apologize for any of the things she said when the relationship ended, but just comment how much she missed me and loved me.

So to answer your question, yes it is possible for her to see you completely white again.  But if you are out of that relationship i encourage you to move on and find a healthy relationship.

My ex's MO almost to the letter.