Need Advice: got a 2nd email from BPDex since going NC

[FlSunshineGirl]

Hi everyone,

I just need some advice and help getting through this NC and enforcing boundaries that I'm trying to do with my exBPDbf that I haven't been able to do in the past.

I received this second email this morning since going NC on Jan 16 with my BPDxbf:

"Hey there. I'm not trying to upset you, more than anything I want my friend. We don't have to see each other in person, nor talk everyday, but I would more than anything like to hear from you. No matter what, you'll always be my best friend. I'm purposely keeping these emails light and I am not trying to send any secret messages, I just want to be your friend, in whatever capacity you'll allow. I miss you, everyday I miss you. Take care, (ex)"

One week ago today I received the first email since going NC and it said basically that he wasn't writing with any crazy motives or requests. He just wanted to let me know he missed me and there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think about me and hope I was doing well.

I didn't reply to either.

A little history  on us... .

On and off for 5 1/2 years. The two most recent things that have led me to my breaking point were back in Sept 2014, he was having a BPD or bipolar episode and got mad at me and sent me a text and said he needed to say goodbye to me and wanted to get healthy and work on himself.

Found out that was a lie because I saw an email to a friend who he was talking to about this and he was telling me one thing and telling the friend that he needed to say goodbye to me for a long, long time. That it was "best for both of us and besides she isn's meeting my needs anyway. God knows she tried."

Before this he swore to me he was done pushing me away and he would never ever do it again. So then that happened and I sad okay, goodbye and I'll miss you and I hope you get the help you need. I had no plans to contact him again.

He emailed me and asked me to delete his family as my friends on Facebook so he wouldn't be obsessing about me while he tried to get healthy. That hurt like hell but I did it. A few days later he asks if we can have one last hug. Then he asks if we can just stay casual friends.

Like an idiot I took him back and we resumed the dysfunctional relationship as usual.

Fast forward to beginning of January of this year and we had been fighting like crazy as usual, told him I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and tired of the fighting.

He tells me I put myself on those eggshells.

His Bday was coming up and we had plans to do something the weekend before. I ended up having a very dear friend of mine pass away of cancer and the funeral was that weekend so I asked him if we could get together the following weekend.

He got very upset and when I was upset about him acting like a jerk and not being understanding because I was going to my friends funeral, he asks me if he's not allowed to be disappointed. Seems a running theme of me always disappointing him.

So he ended up canceling on me for the weekend we had rescheduled saying he had plans with his aunt who wanted to take him out on his Bday.

I asked if we could get together at the end of the month for his Bday and he said he would check with his mom because she also wanted to take him out.

I'm sure I was being "punished" or split black for triggering his fears of abandonment or like he's not the center of my world for the changing of plans for his Bday that first weekend.

Fast forward to another day he stopped by unexpectedly after a big fight trying to win me back with gifts and flattery and declarations of his love after I told him I couldn't take the stress of this anymore and we needed to say goodbye and go our separate ways. That I don't want him to contact me anymore.

That triggered rage! He said, "oh, I WILL contact you!"

More fighting then the next day he is at my door with gifts. I say I have plans to go out with my aunts for lunch and he needed to go. He asked if he could go with me, I said not this time, I wanted to spend time just with the girls.

He leaves and texts me later that this girl "friend" of his and her family and him were going shopping.

The weekend of the funeral he needed to spend the weekend with her helping her move down here from up north. When he told me this, he actually said, "I want to ask you something and I know this will be upsetting to you... .and you can say no if you like, but she asked me to help her move. I told him if it's what he wanted to do, I wasn't going to control him.

So that's what he did.

After this I asked for some space since I had so much going on. The next weekend I ended up having to go to another funeral! My cousins father in law died.

I was at the funeral and it also happened to be the day of his birthday and I hadn't spoken to him in a week since I asked for space and he said whatever I needed he would do.

On the way to the gravesite after the funeral he started texting me like crazy raging and asking if he needed to call me and have this out over the phone.

I told him I was at a funeral and couldn't talk. More raging and cussing and he told me to call him next week.

I said ok and I understood he was upset but I didn't deserve his mistreatment.

He wrote me a long email and told me he couldn't take this anymore and told me how toxic our relationship was. He blamed me for just about everything.

I told him I wasn't going to blame him for things and I didn't want to be blamed for things either. That let's agree to say goodbye and let each other go.

After the previous rage and telling me how toxic we were, he tells me how he will never love another the way he loved me. How I'm his angel and have taught him so much and because of me he has a shot at life. How he wished I could have been "the one".

Last night I did look and see if he had changed his password on his email account.  I saw he went back to an older one he use to use so I looked through and saw the replacement, who he is now traveling up to see on the weekends, had sent him message on Feb 5 saying "Happy Thursday" "Hey good lookin', I miss you!"

It didn't look like he replied or he deleted if he did.

Also saw on Feb 10 he had a delivery of some perfume for her delivered to his house for Valentines Day.

Then I hear from him on March 2nd and now the 8th.

What should I do? Should I keep NC? Should I emails back and say "sorry, I can't be your friend."

Any clue why he would be emailing me now about how he misses me? Maybe the replacement isn't producing the high for him like I did?

Thank you all for reading this long text.

-Sunshine

[HappyNihilist]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, Sunshine.   It's hurtful and confusing and crazymaking.

I see a lot of similarities in your relationship to mine. And my exBPDbf has also contacted me since the breakup -- at first it was more on a friendly checking-in level, but eventually changed to him telling me how much he misses me and thinks about me all the time, saying I'm the love of his life and all he wants is for our souls to be together (meanwhile he's engaged to my replacement), and so on. It's painful and confusing for me when he does this. You definitely have my sympathy and empathy.

There are two big factors at play, and they would seem to be mutually exclusive -- but this is borderline world.

The first is that you meant a lot to your ex, which is why he was so triggered to behave the way he did. Love and intimacy are what bring out the worst of BPD behavior, and the greater the feelings of love, the greater the resultant fear. You became the trigger for his core fears of abandonment/engulfment, so despite his love for you, he couldn't emotionally maintain a relationship. These conflicting desires - wanting love, not wanting pain - cause the borderline to engage in push/pull behavior.

The second factor is that the nature of the disorder means that the borderline objectifies people. Someone with BPD is focused, first and foremost, on his/her own emotional needs and survival. People are (unconsciously) evaluated based on how well they fulfill the borderline's needs. This objectification can lead to a sense of ownership over people in the borderline's life, a tendency to view them as possessions. (It's sort of like how a child views his parents.) This doesn't go away when the relationship ends, even if the borderline has no desire to recycle.

I saw an email to a friend who he was talking to about this and he was telling me one thing and telling the friend that he needed to say goodbye to me for a long, long time. That it was "best for both of us and besides she isn's meeting my needs anyway. God knows she tried."

This is the truth. No one can fulfill a borderline's core unmet needs - except for him-/herself. The problem is that they continue to look for fulfillment externally.

Nothing you could have ever done would have been enough.

Seems a running theme of me always disappointing him.

I'm sure I was being "punished" or split black for triggering his fears of abandonment or like he's not the center of my world

Exactly. Again... .nothing you could have done would have been enough.

After the previous rage and telling me how toxic we were, he tells me how he will never love another the way he loved me. How I'm his angel and have taught him so much and because of me he has a shot at life. How he wished I could have been "the one".

 I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. And it doesn't make sense, not to a rational mind.

I'm sure he means what he says when he says it. The problem is that, for a borderline, feelings are facts - and their reality is constantly shifting.

But know that he loved you in his way... .and also know that his way isn't healthy or beneficial to you.

What should I do? Should I keep NC? Should I emails back and say "sorry, I can't be your friend."

There is no one right answer - only you can decide what's best for you. The important thing is that you think of your response (or non-response) in terms of you.

What are your hopes and goals for this? (At least temporarily - don't feel like you have to make life-long decisions right now.) Do you want to sever all ties? Do you want to take measures to ensure you don't receive any more contact from him?

You could stay NC and block his email address. You could stay NC and not block his email address, and decide whether or not to read any emails he might send in the future. You could send him an email telling him that you need space, and resume NC. You could talk to him. There are a whole lot of possibilities. What do you feel would be best for you?

Remember, we're all here for you. 

[FlSunshineGirl]

Happy, first I want to thank you for taking the time to read through this whole thing and "listening" and being so understanding and encouraging.

Their behavior is so crazy making for sure! I need to stop trying to make logic out of the illogical.

I know at this point that we have been on this ride many times before and it all leads to the same place. Break up then make up, repeat.

The issues and problems don't get solved or go away. He hasn't made any real effort to get healthier. We would be fine for a little while then back to fighting and drama.

It would go well for a longer time the more of myself I sacrificed for his needs. But I've been there and done that too and it leaves me feeling emotionally drained and like trying to fill a bottomless glass with water.

Part of me feels if I just keep NC, I won't have to worry about him pushing my boundaries which I've always had a hard time keeping.

I will boost my self esteem by finally putting my needs first.

He's never been a good friend. That's the funny (and sad) thing.

I've been there for him with no expectations. He's only been there when he felt I've met his needs and always been possessive, controlling, needy, jealous... .

I've caught him in lies. How is that being a best friend?

I stayed with him longer than anyone else ever had.

But it's not good for me. I want better for myself and he's just not capable of being my friend.

Another part of me wants to email him back and tell him that I need to heal and move on and the only way I can do that is by not having any further contact whatsoever with him.

With as much hurt that this relatinship had sustained, how could we even be friends.

What kind of friends never see each other and don't talk often?

I've been thinking a lot about how the first email he said he had no crazy motives or requests. Then the second one he obviously DID have motives and requests.

I do feel he did love me at some point and may feel that now. But over the last 5 1/2 years I've witnessed how quickly that love can turn off. Just like a light switch.  Scary!

I'm sorry you had to go through the same things.

How are you feeling about your ex now? Did you ever break NC? How long has it been since you spoke to him if still in NC?

Have you done some serious soul searching as well to try to figure out why you've put up with someone treating you this way?


I appreciate your advice very much!

Thank you!

- Sunshine

[sirhero]

I would keep NC. If it's been 5 1/2 years of the same thing I don't think much of anything will change if you write him back and engage with him. Which is what he wants. To see if he still has you in his hooks. Focus on you and your needs and making yourself happy. You aren't obligated to him at all.

[sirhero]

Also I kind of went through the same thing for about 3 years. I haven't been with my ex for almost two years now and I feel indifferent about her now. I'm in a healthy happy relationship and it feels amazing not having to deal with the drama anymore.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you for your advice sirhero.

I really appreciate it!

Can I ask you a question? If you've been out of the relationship for awhile, and you're in a healthier and happier one now, why do you still come back to this site? And I don't mean that with any sarcasm at all! Just worries me that maybe even after we feel we have healed and moved on we are still dealing with scars from these relationships.

Is there hope of returning to the way we we're before these unhealthy relationships?

I am really glad to hear you're in a much better relatinship now though!

- Sunshine

[Clearmind]

We attach to a Borderline for a reason. Coming back here helps reinforce healing from my own issues that brought me to the relationship to begin with and why I stayed.

As for maintaining a friendship. That's up to you. I recall asking myself what a real friendship entails and could my ex provide what I needed. Answer was No. His idea of a friendship was to ensure I was in arms reach if there was anything he needed.

[mitchell16]

FlSunshineGirl, as I wote in another post I have been out of mine for a while now. Im happier, calmer, i sleep better once again, I have my finances under control again. That doesnt mean I dont miss my ex. I miss the fun times we had, I miss the percieved connection we had. I have been involved with another lady who is wonderful, nothing like my ex. we dont have arguments or trust issues. at times i dont feel a connection with the new lady like I did with my ex but I also I dont have the misey.

I still come back here all the time almost daily I feel It what I need to keep from breaking NC and being pulled back in. every time I feel like Im getting weak and issing her I come to these boards. I read the leaving and the I go over to the staying, just to remind myself where I had been. I worked my way through all the boards. staying on these boards aslong as you feel you need them.

[sirhero]

Thank you for your advice sirhero.

I really appreciate it!

Can I ask you a question? If you've been out of the relationship for awhile, and you're in a healthier and happier one now, why do you still come back to this site? And I don't mean that with any sarcasm at all! Just worries me that maybe even after we feel we have healed and moved on we are still dealing with scars from these relationships.

Is there hope of returning to the way we we're before these unhealthy relationships?

I am really glad to hear you're in a much better relatinship now though!

- Sunshine

I come back mostly just to check in and see how people are doing. It still amazes me how similar everyone's stories are. If I can be of help I try to be by giving advice where I can. I also agree with Clearmind too. It does help to reinforce the healing. I have no intention of ever going back to my ex if she reached out to me. I did the dance with her for 3 years, no more. You can find happiness and you can definitely heal from this. It just takes work and having little to no contact with them. Some people can do NC, some prefer LC, it's up to you really.

In terms of returning back to who we were. I'm no longer the same person I was before I met my ex. I've gone back to my old hobbies and what not but, I feel like I'm a better person now, if that makes any sense . I've done a lot of growing and learning about myself during and after being with her and I honestly wouldn't trade what I've gained for anything!

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you sirhero, clearmind and mitchell16 for sharing your insights with me on this.