I'm sorry you're having to deal with this,
Sunshine. It's hurtful and confusing and crazymaking.
I see a lot of similarities in your relationship to mine. And my exBPDbf has also contacted me since the breakup -- at first it was more on a friendly checking-in level, but eventually changed to him telling me how much he misses me and thinks about me all the time, saying I'm the love of his life and all he wants is for our souls to be together (meanwhile he's engaged to my replacement), and so on. It's painful and confusing for me when he does this. You definitely have my sympathy and empathy.
There are two big factors at play, and they would seem to be mutually exclusive -- but this is borderline world.
The first is that you meant a lot to your ex, which is why he was so triggered to behave the way he did. Love and intimacy are what bring out the worst of BPD behavior, and the greater the feelings of love, the greater the resultant fear. You became the trigger for his core fears of abandonment/engulfment, so despite his love for you, he couldn't emotionally maintain a relationship. These conflicting desires - wanting love, not wanting pain - cause the borderline to engage in push/pull behavior.
The second factor is that the nature of the disorder means that the borderline objectifies people. Someone with BPD is focused, first and foremost, on his/her own emotional needs and survival. People are (unconsciously) evaluated based on how well they fulfill the borderline's needs. This objectification can lead to a sense of ownership over people in the borderline's life, a tendency to view them as possessions. (It's sort of like how a child views his parents.) This doesn't go away when the relationship ends, even if the borderline has no desire to recycle.
I saw an email to a friend who he was talking to about this and he was telling me one thing and telling the friend that he needed to say goodbye to me for a long, long time. That it was "best for both of us and besides she isn's meeting my needs anyway. God knows she tried."
This is the truth. No one can fulfill a borderline's core unmet needs - except for him-/herself. The problem is that they continue to look for fulfillment externally.
Nothing you could have ever done would have been enough.
Seems a running theme of me always disappointing him.
I'm sure I was being "punished" or split black for triggering his fears of abandonment or like he's not the center of my world
Exactly. Again... .nothing you could have done would have been enough.
After the previous rage and telling me how toxic we were, he tells me how he will never love another the way he loved me. How I'm his angel and have taught him so much and because of me he has a shot at life. How he wished I could have been "the one".
I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. And it doesn't make sense, not to a rational mind.
I'm sure he means what he says when he says it. The problem is that, for a borderline, feelings are facts - and their reality is constantly shifting.
But know that he loved you in his way... .and also know that his way isn't healthy or beneficial to you.
What should I do? Should I keep NC? Should I emails back and say "sorry, I can't be your friend."
There is no one right answer - only you can decide what's best for you. The important thing is that you think of your response (or non-response) in terms of
you.
What are your hopes and goals for this? (At least temporarily - don't feel like you have to make life-long decisions right now.) Do you want to sever all ties? Do you want to take measures to ensure you don't receive any more contact from him?
You could stay NC and block his email address. You could stay NC and not block his email address, and decide whether or not to read any emails he might send in the future. You could send him an email telling him that you need space, and resume NC. You could talk to him. There are a whole lot of possibilities. What do you feel would be best for
you?
Remember, we're all here for you.