Living with HER Again

[spacecadetglow]

Last summer my life fell apart. I left for Freshman Orientation (entering college freshman) and came back to my parents announcing their divorce and my mother moved out and into my grandparents (who live around the block) after accusing my father of trying to kill her. She said she left because she felt like her life was in danger, she called the landlords and said she was kicked out, then she said it was because she didn't want to hurt us anymore. Whatever the case, she left. I watched her move her king size bed out of the house from a bus stop because she took the family vehicle and had it repossessed. I spent the first semester of college struggling to focus and work through emotional trauma, breaking down basically every day. It's been a slow process of creating boundaries and trying to forgive.

My family consists of my mother, who has BPD and other disorders such as agoraphobia, OCD, and treatment resistant depression, my father, who works two jobs, and my older brother who is currently working and considering going back to college. After my mother left, my father, brother and I supported each other through the pain she caused, trying to regain a sense of reality. We realized we could only try to heal our individual relationships with her at our own paces. One day she knocked on the door, my father opened it in surprise, and let her in. He was resistant to her attempts at first. Slowly, he began spending more time with her, watching movies at the house and making dinner. They began going to marriage counseling not too long ago. Then she began staying over some nights. My brother and I became outraged and expressed that we were uncomfortable with this. One morning I woke up to my brother telling me he had bad news. I knew before he said it. She was moving back in.

Apparently, my grandfather is kicking her out because he's "sick of it". Whatever that means. So it became either move back, or stay in a shelter. I, for one, see nothing wrong with a shelter. But my father wouldn't allow that to happen. So now she's back in her king sized bed in "their" bedroom again. This has caused a number of problems. My brother and I can no longer speak to my father. He said hurtful things to my brother through text that sounded like words she fed to him. We all avoid each other. When my dad gets home from work, he goes into the bedroom and they stay there all day, only going to the kitchen when my brother and I are in our rooms. Only the shower in "their" bathroom works, the guest shower only puts out cold water, so I'm currently taking cold showers rather than walk through "their" bedroom every morning to get ready for school. My father looks like a wreck and I'm worried about him, but I do not know how to speak to him. My mother sounds like she's on drugs. She asks questions that do not make sense and asks multiple times. I'm worried about her but also don't trust her and feel like she's just back to her old ways.

During her time moved out, she became very involved in Church. This sickens me because she threw religion in my face and attacked my integrity last summer. I don't know what to think of her. I feel guilty like I'm overreacting and need to just forgive her, but I know that's how BPD works and I have nothing to feel guilty about. At least that's what I think... .I'm dealing with a lot right now and don't know where to turn. This is making school extremely difficult and none of my teachers know that I'm dealing with this. I also feel like telling them would make me weak and appear as though I'm just throwing a "pity party" for myself. That's why I kept it private last semester, aside from weekly sessions with my counselor. I'm no longer seeing him because I didn't feel comfortable talking to a male about my issues.

I realize I just sound like I'm complaining, but I'm an emotional wreck inside. I feel guilty even writing this and reaching out for help. My mother has managed to tear our family apart, hurt us each individually, and move back in with her petty possessions, taking my father's support away from my brother and I as well. I don't trust her and I'm afraid her BPD will dominate the house again.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello spacecadetglow, 

Welcome to the site, and: please feel free to share and post about your feelings and troubles - this place is dedicated for that, and we are here to support you.

It's a diverse community, and this board has a big share of people with disordered parents. So, we understand what you are going through. 

First year of college is stressful enough with all the changes and responsibilities and growing up and being an adult and all that. To have to deal with family trouble can be too much. No wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Is there a female counselor at your school that you might switch to?

How much longer before your semester ends? Do you think you can weather it out or do you need to look for alternative solutions now?

You are at a very vulnerable age where you are an adult, but you still need your dad's support because you are in school. Do you think your father would be willing to help you a bit financially if you were to move out?

[Harri]

Hi space-c-glow.  I am so glad you posted though I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. 

I realize I just sound like I'm complaining, but I'm an emotional wreck inside. I feel guilty even writing this and reaching out for help. My mother has managed to tear our family apart, hurt us each individually, and move back in with her petty possessions, taking my father's support away from my brother and I as well. I don't trust her and I'm afraid her BPD will dominate the house again.

I can tell you that from my perspective, you are not complaining at all.  I happen to think you have reason to do so though so please feel free to let loose a bit when you are ready.  I think those of us raised by BPD parents often have skewed definitions and double standards for ourselves for things like complaining and whining (in addition to a host of other things like responsibility, kindness, 'being mean', etc)  It is not uncommon to feel guilty for posting so it took a huge amount of courage and strength in addition to a whole lot of hurt for you to post here.  Recognize that and allow yourself this kindness and release.  I stressed all that because I hope very much that you come back and post again and fell free to share whatever.  We get it here.   

I hope you will be able to find a female counselor on campus but realize if you have to you can get counseling through community action services, often on a sliding fee schedule (I assume that being a student, cash is tight).  You can also get an incredible amount of support here as well.  I am not currently in counseling and haven't been for a while, but the advice, validation and compassion I have received here have helped me to heal in many ways.  So don't underestimate the amount and quality of support that is offered here.

I don't know what to think of her. I feel guilty like I'm overreacting and need to just forgive her, but I know that's how BPD works and I have nothing to feel guilty about. At least that's what I think... .I'm dealing with a lot right now and don't know where to turn.

Space-c-glow, you are not overreacting, not from where I sit.  I would even say that the fact you have been able to continue with your semester work talks a lot about your ability to cope, no matter how stressed and emotionally wrecked you may feel.  So take it easy and watch out for yourself.  It is all too easy to keep hiding the emotional wreckage and that is not always a good thing.  Finding support is important.  Friends, counselors, here.  I am not sure if telling your professors would be a good idea as i am not sure there is much they can do.  There are options like withdrawing from a class or taking an incomplete and those may be better options.  You may also want to take a lighter credit load next semester.

As for your living situation, it does sound miserable (and not just the cold shower part).  Having your father turn on you like he has and to see them isolate themselves the way they have must be very painful.  I am still working through issues from having a non father who put himself and my mother first.  The betrayal is very hurtful to deal with. 

You mentioned your grandfather.  Is there anyway you could move in with him and still stay in school?  Or maybe rent an apartment with your brother and a couple of friends to get you in a more healthy environment?  I'm not sure what your circumstances are in this regard so

please ignore if they are not possible.

space-c-glow, I am glad you reached out for help and shared a bit of what is going on for you.  It is a lot to deal with so please keep reaching out. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Spacecadetglow! 

First of all I want to extend my warm welcome as well. You can safely share here with us, and we will do our best to listen. There is so much help and support at this site, so please keep visiting and sharing with us.

Even though it was many years ago, I clearly remember that I could not wait to leave for college, far away from home. That freshman adjustment was and is very tough! I've watched my own children go through it too. You are clearly doing well to keep hanging in there and not giving up on your schooling. My second year was when my world fell apart, just like yours, and I got the lowest grades ever that year. I came home for Thanksgiving break and my uBPDm pulled me aside on a shopping trip and said she was divorcing my dad. I wasn't 'allowed' to tell anyone because her Christian friends would judge her, so I understand that whole church aspect you are going through too. It hurts so much, and I'm so sorry. For years I lived in guilt because I felt I caused the divorce when my mom told me, "When you left for college, my whole world ended and I had no one left to talk with." Now I understand that she had uBPD, and the divorce had nothing to do with me at all.

Not only do you have that but it sounds like you feel as if both of your parents have betrayed you and your brother. The dividing of a family in such a manner is so hurtful. You are not complaining at all but seeking compassion and kindness from others who will understand. We get it here.

What type of options do you feel you could consider for yourself to help you stay safe and healthy? I like the questions and ideas of the others, including maybe you could see about living with your grandfather.

Here's an extra hug for you because you probably can use one. 

Woolspinner

[spacecadetglow]

Thank you all for your responses. These past two weeks I had midterms and then spring break so I went from very busy to having nothing to do at all. A week at home has had my emotions up and down. Also found out my mother lied, she was not kicked out, so she has moved in and continues to live here based on a lie. I have so much anger pent up I don't know how to handle it. I have been completely ignoring her. I feel terrible for doing this, but I can't simply say good morning when I am fighting the urge to scream at her.

I did inform one of my teachers of my situation, which was very relieving, and am certain I want to live in the dorms next year. My boyfriend is also visiting next week so I'm looking forward to that. I have began to see my counselor again. And I began reading "Stop Walking on Egg Shells", however, I am terrified of being like her and feel as though I am projecting and doing all the same things. I don't know if this is true or if I'm just sensitive to the idea and it's all in my head.

I have spoken to my father. Some good talk, some arguing. I am hurt with him.

[Suzn]

Hello spacecadetglow  

Welcome to the boards, so very glad you found us! I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your parents. You sound like a very insightful young lady. Educating yourself and reaching out are healthy things to do in your situation. I can assure you from what you've written you are not just like your mom.

It's ok to be angry with your mom and your dad. They are alienating you in your own home and that is a very unhealthy thing to do to your children. I'm glad you had a little conversation with your dad that went well. I'm also glad you reached out to a counselor, this is excellent self care.

I liked the idea of possibly staying with your grandparents, is that possible? During the time you are at home it may be good to get out for walks or some sort of sports activity you could involve yourself with to help work some of that anger off. It's hard to be calm all the time if you are in the same house.

I hope you will continue to visit here, I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story. You're on the right track.