Lose one BPD person, lose the friends as well?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

A follow-up question for the board.  In losing the communication of someone who may be on the BPD (or just some PD) spectrum, I realize that I've also no longer heard from her best friend in months, whom I also befriended.  That sort of feels like a collateral damage or residual fallout-type of scenario, but I guess this must be a common conundrum.  You have several people in your life that are interconnected.  Much like my initial situation, this is not something I would ideally have wanted.  I really don't like to lose people.  It's heartbreaking.  This kind of thing seems like it's just more messiness.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder whether the best friend is enmeshed or deep into a co-dependency.  She has a very delicate sensibility, and doesn't even use swear words, and seems much more timid and reserved.  It seems like night and day as far as their personalities go.  I'm almost amazed at how well they get along, unless the best friend in actuality serves some other purpose to the person I'm on the outs with.  But that's a close friendship of over 20 years, and that would amount to an astounding revelation.  Both seem to see themselves as bold livers of sorts, eschewing the lives other people who don't quite seem to "get" what living big really entails subsist on.  Something honestly just doesn't seem right about that relationship either.

Maybe this sounds nuts, but even with my best friends, I always felt like I'd rather stump for the truth than some sense of blind loyalty.  What's important to me is the truth.  It does me no good to support behavior that feels wrong, no matter how close I am to the person engaging in it.  As a curious sort, even though I know it's a waste of time and energy, I can't help but wonder if this means I've been badmouthed behind the scenes, but I guess it doesn't matter.  I get that someone might want to be loyal to his or her best friend, but that doesn't *always* preclude someone from looking at a situation objectively, especially to another friend of some degree.  I feel awkward about even trying to reach out, and it's probably a two-for-one deal as far as me being cut out.  In this case, my gut instinct tells me this other person would not be strong enough to ever entertain the possibility that I'm telling the truth about the behavior I've dealt with anyway.

Lose one, lose the other it would seem.  I'm realizing now that feeling better about all of this is gonna take some time.

[TenderSurrender]

A follow-up question for the board.  In losing the communication of someone who may be on the BPD (or just some PD) spectrum, I realize that I've also no longer heard from her best friend in months, whom I also befriended.  That sort of feels like a collateral damage or residual fallout-type of scenario, but I guess this must be a common conundrum.  You have several people in your life that are interconnected.  Much like my initial situation, this is not something I would ideally have wanted.  I really don't like to lose people.  It's heartbreaking.  This kind of thing seems like it's just more messiness.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder whether the best friend is enmeshed or deep into a co-dependency.  She has a very delicate sensibility, and doesn't even use swear words, and seems much more timid and reserved.  It seems like night and day as far as their personalities go.  I'm almost amazed at how well they get along, unless the best friend in actuality serves some other purpose to the person I'm on the outs with.  But that's a close friendship of over 20 years, and that would amount to an astounding revelation.  Both seem to see themselves as bold livers of sorts, eschewing the lives other people who don't quite seem to "get" what living big really entails subsist on.  Something honestly just doesn't seem right about that relationship either.

Maybe this sounds nuts, but even with my best friends, I always felt like I'd rather stump for the truth than some sense of blind loyalty.  What's important to me is the truth.  It does me no good to support behavior that feels wrong, no matter how close I am to the person engaging in it.  As a curious sort, even though I know it's a waste of time and energy, I can't help but wonder if this means I've been badmouthed behind the scenes, but I guess it doesn't matter.  I get that someone might want to be loyal to his or her best friend, but that doesn't *always* preclude someone from looking at a situation objectively, especially to another friend of some degree.  I feel awkward about even trying to reach out, and it's probably a two-for-one deal as far as me being cut out.  In this case, my gut instinct tells me this other person would not be strong enough to ever entertain the possibility that I'm telling the truth about the behavior I've dealt with anyway.

Lose one, lose the other it would seem.  I'm realizing now that feeling better about all of this is gonna take some time.

[Blimblam]

Pd or not it's common to loose common friends when a relationship ends.  Especially when the mutual friend has so much history with the ex.

[parisian]

TS I lost a friend who was a joint friend of both of us - we had been friends independently of me and my ex getting together, but it seemed the friend loyalty was more stronger with my ex. I suspect that friend knew my ex had BPD, and was fiercely protective of her and her condition. It was very upsetting for me. Unfortunately these things happen and all we can do is accept and move forward.

[mitatsu]

They are her enablers... .no great loss they normally have their own issues hence the friendship

[parisian]

They are her enablers... .no great loss they normally have their own issues hence the friendship

I find this hard to reconcile. On one hand the friend was her enabler. The friend rejected my offer to bring dinner around and never had any more contact with me. A part of me though thinks my ex is still a human being, and is still entitled to friends. It was just disappointing the friend had to 'choose' sides. I hoped we were all past that schoolyard stuff but aparently not.

[JackBlacknBlue]

I also lost 3 "mutual' friends when I went NC with my pwBPD.   One later told me that the pwBPD told her I had abandoned her in her time of need and the mutual friend opted to show loyalty to pwBPD.  I never heard from the other two so don't know what they were told.  

It does hurt and isn't fair but I have healed over time and realize my life without pwBPD and the craziness is soo much better and healthier.  And it opened up room for new relationships with people not affiliated with pwBPD, and everyday I am now reminded that there are amazing, emotionally stable people with whom I would rather spend my time.

to be fair, it still sucks that we lose friends and are potentially cast as the 'bad guys' in the situation.

[Terrychango]

Me and my ex had the same best friend, luckily he lived with us well we were together for a year and saw her behaviour towards me.

She told him I was a horrible person after we split, he called her out on it (told her it was BS), suprisingly she is not talking to him anymore either... .

If she does ever bad mouth me to anyone I can call on him to back me up which is nice.

[JRT]

Within an hour of breaking up with me, after the exhausting task of moving all of her things out of my house, she must have parked the moving van without unpacking it and go on FB and deleted all of our 90 or so mutual friends - it was THAT important for her to do that immediately. Over the course of the next few days, she then convinced all of her family and friends to unfriend me on FB which almost all of them did. She must have had to have contacted each of the 30 - 35 people individually to do so. Its 6 months later and I have no idea what she had told them in her smear campaign, but I can imagine that it has to be quite the whopper of a tale!

It's a common practice of BPD's and frankly anyone that exits a r/s where they want to save face to their circle by painting themselves as victims but ESPECIALLY so with a BPD. It all came together for me after the fact when I realized that she had argued that all of her failed r/s's were as a result of victimhood.

I empathize with everyone on this thread as, in my case, I was o the eve of formally becoming a part of of her family as we were engaged. These were people to whom I was going to extend the same privileges and love that I would to my own family, yet, along with my ex found no moral repugnance to simply show me the door without much in the way of fanfare. Not even one of them, though with ample opportunity, had the moral backbone to call or write and say, "you were a good dude... .I wish that it worked out... .sorry... .have a great life". Not even one... .

[Gonzalo]

Even in a regular relationship, some people choose sides and you can expect to lose some people. I think when you're dealing with a pwBPD, the trend becomes much stronger because of the disorder. The pwBPD keeps feeding friends a version of events that's been run through the "feelings=facts" filter - projection especially muddies the water. Also, the worst behaviors of the pwBPD are only inflicted on a close partner after a good bit of time, so other people don't see it, and will think you're leaving something out, exaggerating, or just talking crap about your ex-.

I know with mine, some people that I thought were strong acquaintances - not super close friends, but liked and trusted each other - suddenly felt the need to tell me that I am not their friend and that they wanted some borrowed furniture back immediately because they were afraid I would steal it (They had to put the furniture into storage, it wasn't that they were just ready to use it). It's kind of funny, because now that I'm not close with them or my ex-, I hear a lot of things about them being less than nice.

[stntylr]

Just today a mutual friend unfriended me and sent me a hurtful text taking my ex's side. She ended with a threat to call the police if I ever contacted her. It hurt but I know it's all part of getting back at me for all the wrongs I supposedly did.

[JRT]

Just today a mutual friend unfriended me and sent me a hurtful text taking my ex's side. She ended with a threat to call the police if I ever contacted her. It hurt but I know it's all part of getting back at me for all the wrongs I supposedly did.

Of course... .likely prompted by your ex. The BPD equivalent of shooting an already dead body!

I have people that have unfriended me that then BLOCKED me on social media! As if unfriending me were not enough!

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, when my BPDxW and I split up, I lost virtually all of our mutual friends.  It used to bug me, but now I think those ex-friends were just manipulated by my Ex when she painted me black with wild exaggerations and falsehoods after our b/u.  It's OK.  Turns out they weren't really my friends, anyway.

LuckyJim

[TenderSurrender]

Maybe I'm just too sensitive.  I only dated this woman for "ten minutes" (apparently), , unlike all of you that had actual longterm romances.  You're talking about something more substantial.  We were very close friends who flirted with something deeper at various points, but who knows, maybe even the friend part was never real in the first place.  But we're talking a few years now.  It would just be too astounding to believe this was all just an ego boost for that long a period.

Sometimes I think, best friend of 20-plus years or not, this best friend doesn't entirely know who her friend is.  Then I double back and think, "How is that possible?"  That best friend seemed pretty nice, and I can't believe she would support or endorse some of the harsher words spoken and behaviors enacted I've been told about or witnessed myself.

This has all been very helpful.  I agree that the social media world kind of makes this stuff messy.  Since I have a small network that includes these two, I deal with a few of these people saying this or that about this person and that person on the back channels, and no one deals with one another directly in an adult manner (which would be preferable).  Occasionally I feel like I'm in a soap opera.

[Gonzalo]

I think that if someone is willing to write you off as a friend because of what one person said without even asking to hear your side, they weren't really your friend to begin with. They may have felt they had to be polite with you, but they clearly don't actually care about you. This is especially true when you're talking about a breakup, where you normally expect both sides to have strong emotions and different stories. If they chose to write you off without even hearing what you have to say and thinking about how it fits with what she says, they were going to dismiss your side anyway.

(Meant to put this in my first response somewhere)

[TenderSurrender]

I think you're absolutely right, Gonzalo.  It's all so unfortunate, but I feel like if one has done one's best within these respective situations, he or she at least can feel good about his or her own behavior.  Obviously, no one can control anyone else's behavior, but when we work to make our own as good as possible, it's something to be proud of.  It's all just a question of who we each want to be as people.

[Gonzalo]

In addition to feeling good that you did the right thing, regardless of how other people handle the situation, there's a good chance you dodged some bullets in there. Some of the people who turned away from me turned out not to be who I thought they were, and some were people I was considering distancing myself from anyway. If they turn to the BPD person's version of events, especially without asking you, they may be doing it because of issues of their own that you'll be lucky to get away from.

[Invictus01]

I think in my case, losing a BPD relationship helped me SAVE friendships. I was told after we were done that pretty much all my female friends who met her after a while started urging my best buddy to talk to me and try to talk sense into me so that I walked away. According to them, something wasn't adding up about her. I can totally see how if we stayed together for a while longer, I'd lose most of them simply because they wouldn't want to be around her. I think my best friend would end up in that crowd too and, choosing between my best buddy and HER... .I am glad it ended when it ended... .

[Lucky Jim]

Some of the people who turned away from me turned out not to be who I thought they were,

Gonzalo, You hit the nail on the head.  Agree, I was lucky to distance myself from those who at the end of the day weren't my friends anyway and to get back to those who really care about me.  It's all part of a return to authenticity.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to a pwBPD, pretended that things were OK when they definitely were not.  No more.

LuckyJim