Detached or numb or indifferent? When leaving.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi guys,

We are down to the last days in our apartment together.  He found a place and is beginning moving on Saturday.  As I type, he is in the background sorting through our kitchen stuff.

What I am confused about... .  Is what am I feeling?

Did you ever feel a sneeze coming on?  You knew it was trying to be a full, complete, sneeze?  You just waited for it to evolve for the relief of the sneeze?

I feel like I am sitting here, waiting for some feeling to wash over me, but nothing is.  I don't even have the anticipation of any feeling.  I am a distant observer.  I feel blank. 

Actually, all week I expected to feel sad, or angry, or something, anything.  I expected to cry, or react, but nothing.  I'm just being practical, not filled with emotion. 

I am usually pretty in touch with my emotions.  Could it be that I have no immediate emotional reaction to process at this moment?  Maybe I spent enough of the past several months grieving that that is no longer where I am at in this moment?  Did I quietly move into acceptance sometime these past weeks?

Anyone else have little emotion during the leaving process?

[jhkbuzz]

Hi guys,

We are down to the last days in our apartment together.  He found a place and is beginning moving on Saturday.  As I type, he is in the background sorting through our kitchen stuff.

What I am confused about... .  Is what am I feeling?

Did you ever feel a sneeze coming on?  You knew it was trying to be a full, complete, sneeze?  You just waited for it to evolve for the relief of the sneeze?

I feel like I am sitting here, waiting for some feeling to wash over me, but nothing is.  I don't even have the anticipation of any feeling.  I am a distant observer.  I feel blank. 

Actually, all week I expected to feel sad, or angry, or something, anything.  I expected to cry, or react, but nothing.  I'm just being practical, not filled with emotion. 

I am usually pretty in touch with my emotions.  Could it be that I have no immediate emotional reaction to process at this moment?  Maybe I spent enough of the past several months grieving that that is no longer where I am at in this moment?  Did I quietly move into acceptance sometime these past weeks?

Anyone else have little emotion during the leaving process?

My ex moved out while I was on vacation with her stepdaughter and cousin - we planned it that way.  I was upset... .but I was also quite numb.  I think it's a normal reaction to a very stressful event.  You will start to "thaw" out after he leaves.  7 months out and, in some ways, I'm still thawing out.

[Mutt]

Yes I did. She told me she was before the Christmas holidays and I begged her to stay until after the holidays. I hadn't excepted that she was really going to leave and I went about the day to day duties dissociated to cope. I was in shock at how she was indifferent and was blasé about the family seperation. I'm not saying that it's the same case with you. The emotions came a week after she had left and the house was empty with only myself. The bedrooms where the 4 kids slept empty.

[Reecer1588]

The last time I saw my ex was her running out of my house. While later that night it did turn into the worse night of my life, I just sat and watched her run out of my house. Felt completely numb. The reality of the situation didn't occur to me until she was long gone and driving off.

[Pingo]

Hi Sunflower, yes I remember feeling numb but mostly just after he finally left the house which was a few weeks after I announced I wanted him to leave. Before that I was consumed with fear and anger... .Just ride it out. The emotions will hit. Hit me like a ton of bricks! Then back to some kind of numb... .then intense emotions... .it cycled like that for a while. It still does but the sadness doesn't hit with such intensity now (9 mths out) and doesn't last long.  I am no longer numb, I catch myself in distraction and bring my awareness back to reality.

I think we numb ourselves to cope and it's understandable since he hasn't moved out yet. Try not to attach judgement to it, just be aware of it and allow the emotions when it's time. What you are going through is incredibly difficult, take care of you. 

[tjay933]

it'll take a while but you will eventually start feeling something. just remember not to hide it. deal with it. own it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Anyone else have little emotion during the leaving process?

Yes.  I, like you, was being practical.  We're wired to protect ourselves, and when faced with crazymaking dysfunction one defense mechanism is to shut down emotionally; I was just going through the motions, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, which I had planned for and knew was coming.

The good news is once you get away from him, breathe that sigh of relief and let the fog clear some you will start to feel again.  I didn't think it was good news at the time because the emotions were all negative and strong, but hey, I was feeling again, coming back alive and owning myself.  Not pretty, in fact it got ugly, but there was plenty of growing to do and the only way out is through.  Take care of you!

[tjay933]

I didn't think it was good news at the time because the emotions were all negative and strong, but hey, I was feeling again, coming back alive and owning myself.  Not pretty, in fact it got ugly, but there was plenty of growing to do and the only way out is through.

i had that too. it is a normal part of healing. and it does get better. 

[Deeno02]

I was dumped. Kind of sudden. I was numb from that, along with periods of anxiety and sadness. Im 7 months out now and Id have to say that now Im pretty indifferent. I finally saw her after 7 months and I felt only contempt and a little nostalgia. Im glad I had the varying degrees of emotion while going through this. Its made me a better person and I know I wont repeat the same mistakes again. Just go with it and where it takes you, you will learn from it.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you guys!

Yea, well I knew this day would come.  We have lived together but broken up for months now.  I have already done a lot of grieving the past 3 months.

So I think it is likely a combination of numb, and also having already processed a bunch of grief.  I am prepared that more grief may hit me in dribs and drabs over time.

My ex moved out while I was on vacation with her stepdaughter and cousin - we planned it that way.  I was upset... .but I was also quite numb.  I think it's a normal reaction to a very stressful event.  You will start to "thaw" out after he leaves.  7 months out and, in some ways, I'm still thawing out.

I like the idea of the word "thaw."  That helps!

I was in shock at how she was indifferent and was blasé about the family seperation. I'm not saying that it's the same case with you.

Yea, I probably do appear indifferent.  (No offense taken) The last 8 months though have been emotional.  I have been working hard during that time to do my best to not trigger him, keep things calm, not react and just overall do my best because I guess I have been fearful that he would want a dramatic exit.  That is also probably why I am feeling confused.  The drama, emotional roller coaster I am used to, is exiting and leaving my life ever so quietly.  Just another thing to put on the list of things that are inconsistent and don't make sense to me.

The emotions came a week after she had left and the house was empty with only myself. The bedrooms where the 4 kids slept empty.

I'm sorry, This sounds quite painful.  I am grateful that my kids weren't taken away from me.  I only have the one, he is older and probably already processed much of this before I have.  (Watching my SD12 be drawn in the middle, feeling helpless as she left to live with her worsely disordered uBPDmom and uBPDstepdad, having her be alienated toward her uBPDdad, then him projecting and alienating her from ME to get back at his ex, UGH the twisted emotional incest she went through with her parents.  Watching and being a part of all that was unbearable!  I am glad to be free of that nonsense.  I feel awful for others watching their kids be drawn into this crap!)

The good news is once you get away from him, breathe that sigh of relief and let the fog clear some you will start to feel again.  I didn't think it was good news at the time because the emotions were all negative and strong, but hey, I was feeling again, coming back alive and owning myself.  Not pretty, in fact it got ugly, but there was plenty of growing to do and the only way out is through.  Take care of you!

The FOG is already beginning to lift some while we were living together, I guess I can look forward to more clarity, and more finding myself.  I have felt so less anxious these past months that we have been talking less.

Thank you all for confirming that this is how some of you felt!  It is a huge help just to not feel like I am going through this completely alone.

[Leaving]

Hi guys,

We are down to the last days in our apartment together.  He found a place and is beginning moving on Saturday.  As I type, he is in the background sorting through our kitchen stuff.

What I am confused about... .  Is what am I feeling?

Did you ever feel a sneeze coming on?  You knew it was trying to be a full, complete, sneeze?  You just waited for it to evolve for the relief of the sneeze?

I feel like I am sitting here, waiting for some feeling to wash over me, but nothing is.  I don't even have the anticipation of any feeling.  I am a distant observer.  I feel blank. 

Actually, all week I expected to feel sad, or angry, or something, anything.  I expected to cry, or react, but nothing.  I'm just being practical, not filled with emotion. 

I am usually pretty in touch with my emotions.  Could it be that I have no immediate emotional reaction to process at this moment?  Maybe I spent enough of the past several months grieving that that is no longer where I am at in this moment?  Did I quietly move into acceptance sometime these past weeks?

Anyone else have little emotion during the leaving process?

Sunflower, I don't know anything about your relationship but I also felt indifferent and detached last summer when I decided to leave.  Part of this feeling arose from just being slam worn out and finally surrendering to the truth that there was no hope for healing our relationship.  I also believe that I became indifferent and detached because it was necessary to cope with the change and protect myself from falling apart at at time when I needed to focus on myself.  It's like adrenaline kicks in and puts us in survival mode.  Not that I felt hyper... just very focused on me and my future.  Once he's gone and moved out, you may begin to grieve the loss of the relationship and the emotions associated with happy memories and other things like the loss of hope which is normal.  The end of a relationship is grieved much like the death of a loved one.  Even those of us who had the worst relationships do have 'some' good memories.