New girl on the block

[janiegirl]

Hi!

I am here because I'm struggling with some relationships in my life right now. Mainly, my mom... .who is uBPD... .but also with my brother (who is 12 years younger than I) who I believe is also uBPD. I also believe that my step-dad is uNPD. I believe my brother would fit into the GC role. Although he is a mess, makes horrible decisions and acts like a small child, he is the one my mother defends, enables, etc. It is very sad because I know that between her and my step-dad, they have created a mess with my brother. I feel for him, but he doesn't see that something is wrong or work on becoming a more whole person. There comes a point where you can't feel sorry for them anymore and you have to live your life right? Yes, I do deal with a lot of guilt-which I think a lot of children of BPD probably do.

I never would have known about BPD, but have seen a couple counselors over the years and when telling them about my childhood and my relationship with my mom, more than once I was told it was likely that my mother had BPD. I picked up the book Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson about 10 years ago, after the first counselor mentioned BPD in regards to my mom. It hit me hard. I almost had a physical reaction to some of the things I read in that book ... it was wonderful and horrible at the same time. It opened my eyes and made me realize that there was a name for what my mother had been doing for so many years but it also scared me to death.

There have been many things that have happened over the years... but fast-forward to now and I'm still dealing with the drama and the toxic relationships that come from having my mom and my brother in my life. I have my own family now, have been married for 7 years and have 2 beautiful boys (and another on the way). Recently, I decided to ask my brother to get his own cell-phone plan. He has been on ours for the last 2 years. He wasn't paying his bill and was almost 3 months late. Over the 2 years, he probably personally made a payment 3 times at most. The rest of the payments came from my mom. A little background... .my brother is almost 25 years old, holds a job and lives at home (with my mom). He has no household expenses, only a car payment. When I told my husband it was time for my brother to get off our plan, he agreed. I also told him that it wasn't going to be simple. NOTHING is ever simple when it comes to uBPD's is it? And anything that involves my brother inevitably involves my mother. At first he said fine... Long story short, he got his own plan but is refusing to pay the cancellation fee that is now charged to our account (he could have stayed with the same company and avoided this fee, but he wanted another new phone so chose to go elsewhere). My mom and brother are angry at my husband and I, calling us unethical for asking him to get off his plan before his contract was up (his contract gets renewed each time he gets a new phone-and he gets a new phone whenever he is eligible-so it's basically a perpetual phone plan).

In the end, it's my brother not getting his way... .or my mom and my brother both not able to deal with reality/logic and we are the bad guys. I am so exhausted by having them in my life I could just scream. I have tried so hard to set boundaries with them. Boundaries go over like a fart in Church with these two. There is so much more and this story is such a silly, trivial thing... but the stress that it has brought on has been horrific and I feel just exhausted, resentful, angry--you name it. I find myself feeling "why can't I have a normal family that can handle life? Why do I have to walk on eggshells and speak this special language to try and avoid "hurting" them or offending them".

There was a big turning point in my relationship with my family 10 years ago (when I first saw a counselor who suggested the idea of BPD). I sought counseling due to a big life event (for me) that brought out the very worst in my mother. I had decided to find and contact my biological father. I did this all without telling her until after the fact... .because I knew if I made her aware of my plans before I followed through---she would make my life a living hell, it would have affected the experience for me in a negative way and I just didn't want to deal with the extra emotional baggage that she would have brought into an already emotional experience. When I finally did call to share the news with her, she LOST it. I mean she went completely coo-coo nuts. She would go on and on and on for hours at a time saying horrible things and it was always about how me choosing to find my dad was effecting her, ruining her life, selfish of me. She never once asked me how I was dealing with it, if they were treating me well etc. It was always about how my choice affected her. I stopped answering her calls and she would rant on my voicemail until it cut her off. She would say that she was going to kill herself and I would have myself to blame. But I guarantee that if I reminded her of any of these things now, she would deny they were ever said.

So I started seeing a counselor during this time. She suggested I cut ties and limit or end communication. Without this validation from the counselor, I don't know what I would have done. I don't know if I would have found my inner strength to do all of those things but thank God I did. I was able to take a leave of absence from work and move to the Midwest and get to know my paternal family. It was the best thing I could have done. Through doing this, I set boundaries with my mom for the first time and our relationship changed after that. I hardly spoke to her while I was away. I finally had told her that I wouldn't talk to her on the phone anymore and if she wanted to communicate with me it had to be through email. She was livid, but what choice did she have. I still found myself (through email) constantly trying to reassure her that just because I wanted to get to know my biological father and his family didn't mean I didn't love her anymore or was trying. She never responded or replied to any of those things... only kept on with her feelings and how what I was doing was impacting her... But I held to my boundaries and they changed my relationship with her. She is like a child though, every so often since then she would push to see what she could get away with. And here I am again dealing with setting new and more boundaries... .And it's more complicated now because there are grandchildren involved and a spouse that has had enough. I have to put them first. (SORRY FOR THE LONG POST! SO MUCH TO SAY)

[tjay933]

welcome to the family 

can't say if we are any more "functional" that the other one you have but we're here for you. if you have questions, we'll try to answer them. if you want to talk, we'll listen. if you want to chime into a conversation, you can do that too. if you want to vent, we don't judge-we've done that too.

I can understand the frustration of having to deal with pwBPD. it's all about them. always has been and always will be. I just try to foresee what potential reactions will happen if I do such and such and then I'm not as surprised when they act that way.

getting them to be independent or 'non-dependent on you' in any way is very hard. good job on that.

and you're getting help. good job there too.

glad you are in a stable r/s. congrats on two boys! the third is a boy too?

have you had time to check out the lesson plans on the side. very helpful and enlightening.

keep writing and stay safe. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Janiegirl! 

I'm so glad you have joined us! You are so welcome here, and you will find lots of listening ears, wisdom, and validation that you may have not experienced before. I remember when I joined a year ago thinking how wonderful it is to finally have someone/lots of someones who really do understand and get it. They get what it is like to live with someone who has BPD.

It sounds like such a stressful time for you now, and congrats on expecting your 3rd! I have a brother who sounds much like yours. He is in his 50s now, and he cannot stand on his own two feet for very long. Before my uBPDm passed away, my brother was always being enabled by her. He borrowed money from us a few times and was so angry when we told him no more. Left our house in a huff, mad that we wouldn't keep funding his bills. He never paid us back either. Maybe he was the GC in our family.

Lawson's book was also eye opening for me, and a hard yet fascinating read because it read like my life. Is that what you experienced too? What are you doing to help you get through these rough spots? Are you seeing a T still?

Let us know how you are doing! 

Woolspinner