uBPD Mom tries to pry my 3 year old off me...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my uBPD mom is obsessed with my 3 year old son. It's a constant battle keeping her at a distance. It's not love. It's that she wants him to want her over me all the time. This past weekend I took my son to a birthday party of one of my mom'd friends' grandsons. I hate to go to my mom'a friends parties, but this is an old family friend. So as soon as I walk in my dad sees me and immediately said oh have you gone and met mom yet? I said, dad, let me at least say hi to the host!

So my son, like most kids his age, was a little freaked from all the new people and was just clinging to me and burying his face in my shoulder. My mom says "don't you want to come to me?" And starts prying him off of me. He started crying more, and she was like "why isn't he coming to me? He doesn't come to me anymore!" I said, mom, give him 5 minutes and he'll calm down. She huffs away with this hurt expression.

So then he finally got comfortable and started running and having fun with other kids. My mom starts running after him like a nut saying "want to come to grandma?" but he was too busy playing. She again tells me "see? He doesn't come to me anymore! It's because he doesn't spend enough time with m!" I said "no mom, he's just playing! Running with other kids!" She always wants her to just chase him. She will even compete with children! I told her recently how he was having so much fun with his new 3 yesr old friend, Laura. She says "I wish I was Laura!" Then next time she was playing with my son, she says to him "I'm Laura!I'm Laura!" Anyways back to party, while my son was lined up to get a balloon my mom takes that chance to go and whisper in his ear thinking I can't hear her... ."you want to come to grandmas house? Tell mama you want to come! Tell mama!"

My brother says my mom was very unhealthily obsessed with me when I was a child (and later) and has now transferred her obsession to my son... .My husband and I are trying to move across the country. I don't want to raise my son around my mother! Crazy !

[MiserableDaughter]

So my uBPD mom is obsessed with my 3 year old son. It's a constant battle keeping her at a distance. It's not love. It's that she wants him to want her over me all the time. This past weekend I took my son to a birthday party of one of my mom'd friends' grandsons. I hate to go to my mom'a friends parties, but this is an old family friend. So as soon as I walk in my dad sees me and immediately said oh have you gone and met mom yet? I said, dad, let me at least say hi to the host!

So my son, like most kids his age, was a little freaked from all the new people and was just clinging to me and burying his face in my shoulder. My mom says "don't you want to come to me?" And starts prying him off of me. He started crying more, and she was like "why isn't he coming to me? He doesn't come to me anymore!" I said, mom, give him 5 minutes and he'll calm down. She huffs away with this hurt expression.

So then he finally got comfortable and started running and having fun with other kids. My mom starts running after him like a nut saying "want to come to grandma?" but he was too busy playing. She again tells me "see? He doesn't come to me anymore! It's because he doesn't spend enough time with m!" I said "no mom, he's just playing! Running with other kids!" She always wants her to just chase him. She will even compete with children! I told her recently how he was having so much fun with his new 3 yesr old friend, Laura. She says "I wish I was Laura!" Then next time she was playing with my son, she says to him "I'm Laura!I'm Laura!" Anyways back to party, while my son was lined up to get a balloon my mom takes that chance to go and whisper in his ear thinking I can't hear her... ."you want to come to grandmas house? Tell mama you want to come! Tell mama!"

My brother says my mom was very unhealthily obsessed with me when I was a child (and later) and has now transferred her obsession to my son... .My husband and I are trying to move across the country. I don't want to raise my son around my mother! Crazy !

[Kwamina]

Hi MiserableDaughter

I can definitely see why this seemingly obsessive behavior would make you feel so uncomfortable. Has your dad ever commented about it or does he just think it's 'normal' that your mother behaves this way?

I told her recently how he was having so much fun with his new 3 yesr old friend, Laura. She says "I wish I was Laura!" Then next time she was playing with my son, she says to him "I'm Laura!I'm Laura!"

Hmmmm... .there's something about your mother saying 'I'm Laura' that makes me very uneasy. I can imagine that all of this behavior must also be quite confusing and unsettling for your just 3 year old son.

My brother says my mom was very unhealthily obsessed with me when I was a child (and later) and has now transferred her obsession to my son.

I am glad for you that you have in your brother a family-member who's able to clearly see how dysfunctional these dynamics are.

[MiserableDaughter]

So my dad generally encourages my mom because he knows her. See, basically he spent his life fighting with my mom over his family... .She couldn't stand them, and sometimes he would turn violent. They were both scary. So now, on all this, he takes her side. He's so annoying with "mom loves grandson soo much! She would do anyyyyttthinnggg for him!" Etc. Etc. Craziness... .So to him it's normal. But yes, he has supported me at times. Until last yeary mom would make my dad hold my son and her and I both stand with our arms out to see who he came to... .And then she would clap with glee when he went to her. At one point I said, mom can we not do this anymore? That hurts! And my dad finally said, yes, don't so that. It looks competitive. I couldn't believe he spoke up for me. She went after him with daggers! After that once in a while if she's acting over crazy, my dad will reel her back but her reaction is such drama and anger toward him with "how  dare you stop me in front of my daughter?" So I think he knows. But he won't support me.

[MiserableDaughter]

Oh, and confusing for my 3 year old? Whenever he sees her, she says "if you don't hug me, I'm leaving. You want grandma to leave?" She blackmails a 3 year old. And constantly asking this toddler (who just turned 3!) "do you love me? Are you sure you love me?" I mean I never say those things to MY son! If he wants to show affection, he will! If he doesn't, he won't! I won't blackmail him into it!

[GaGrl]

You have the words to describe this to us... .competitive, etc. When you tell your mother to stop or back off on her dysfunctional behaviors, how often do you name the behaviors to her and state why you want her to stop?

[MiserableDaughter]

I've told her that she tries to compete. I've told her is hurtful when she's constantly telling me how my son prefers her house etc. All it does it blow up in my face. She is BPD. You can't just say that and expect that she gets it. On too she's narcissistic and needs her grandson running after her all the time. To say to a logical person, your behavior is X, y, and z, you can get results. To say it to a BPD with an enabling husband, it's not possible cause I've tried. She only gets more passive aggressive and worse.

[Sunfl0wer]

I've told her that she tries to compete. I've told her is hurtful when she's constantly telling me how my son prefers her house etc. All it does it blow up in my face. She is BPD. You can't just say that and expect that she gets it. On too she's narcissistic and needs her grandson running after her all the time. To say to a logical person, your behavior is X, y, and z, you can get results. To say it to a BPD with an enabling husband, it's not possible cause I've tried. She only gets more passive aggressive and worse.

Oh gosh, how frustrating this must be for you!

Just thinking out loud here... .

What if you phrased it in terms of your sons perspective, would that reach her better?

For ex: "Ma, S is going to start thinking your nuts.  He can notice that none of the other grandma's are chasing kids around for "love." They let their grandkids be kids.  He's going to think you are not well if you do that."  Or more gentle:" Ma, he's probably wondering why my grandma can't see I rather play with another 3 year old right now.  Grandma time is for later when we like to watch ... .insert appropriate activity... .like watch Wiggles together."