Pressing my buttons to prove me wrong

[Setter Rob]

My BP has never had the most extreme traits; and she has managed to moderate the others enough to congratulate herself, even though she has never admitted responsibility for any specific act.

One sort of behavior that persists is that she will push my buttons by nagging, lecturing, fault-finding, criticism of all sorts--especially late at night or when I'm tired. I am normally very flexible and easygoing (to the point of self-sabotage, my therapist says), but at such times I am likely to blow up and tell her to effing back off. She then uses my blowup to prove that the problems between us are all the fault of my reactions, not her actions. It's up to me, she says, to control myself in order for the relationship to flourish. Or else I have snapped because I have low testosterone, or high testosterone, or am short of sleep, or got too much sleep, or had a drink, or am hungry, or have indigestion, or something extraneous must be bothering me.

Has anyone else experienced this technique for projecting blame onto the non-BP?

[LeonVa]

My ex-wife used this tactic in my early relationship with her.  

Every time it happened somewhere between 11:00pm to 2:00am. You are tired, don't have as much patience and then bang,  over something minor, she either blows up or go into silent treatment.  If you lost your cool, that would be the only thing she remembers and accuse you of having a bad temper... . What the heck!   At good times, I joked with her of selling our bed because our fights tend to always happen around/after we are ready to go to sleep.

I learned overtime to not react and just leave her along for a day or so,but it was not my nature and very difficult. Eventually I was always the one who broke the silence and then she would be normal again.

In retrospect, this is how we ended up divorcing.  As time moves on and it happened more and more frequent,  eventually, it created this distance between us that I didn't feel like talking too much anymore (I'm an introvert to begin with) in case she blows up over something I say, and such she felt I don't love her as much as before anymore, etc etc... . till one day, she blew up and called police on me based on false allegations.

So yes, I feel you man.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Setter Rob, Sure, I attended lectures at the University of the Wee Hours . . . Seriously, My BPDxW did this all the time.  It got so bad that I refused to discuss serious issues w/her after 10:00 p.m., which I enforced as a boundary.  Problem is, this caused her to act out late at night so it was an imperfect solution.  On two occasions I was awakened after midnight when my BPDxW poured a gallon of water poured over my head!  I can laugh at it now, but it was not fun. Her late-night lectures were rants in which she berated me with the same points over and over.  So I can relate to what you are experiencing, though I have no particular advice that proved effective for me.  LuckyJim

[LeonVa]

Hey Setter Rob, Sure, I attended lectures at the University of the Wee Hours . . . Seriously, My BPDxW did this all the time.  It got so bad that I refused to discuss serious issues w/her after 10:00 p.m., which I enforced as a boundary.  Problem is, this caused her to act out late at night so it was an imperfect solution.  On two occasions I was awakened after midnight when my BPDxW poured a gallon of water poured over my head!  I can laugh at it now, but it was not fun. Her late-night lectures were rants in which she berated me with the same points over and over.  So I can relate to what you are experiencing, though I have no particular advice that proved effective for me.  LuckyJim

I'm sorry LuckyJim. I had to laugh out loud when I visualized you in that situation at midnight.  So crAAAZzzy and yet funny. .

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My BP has never had the most extreme traits; and she has managed to moderate the others enough to congratulate herself, even though she has never admitted responsibility for any specific act.

Mine has graciously admitted that she hasn't always responded it the best possible way... .

One sort of behavior that persists is that she will push my buttons by nagging, lecturing, fault-finding, criticism of all sorts--especially late at night or when I'm tired. I am normally very flexible and easygoing (to the point of self-sabotage, my therapist says), but at such times I am likely to blow up and tell her to effing back off. She then uses my blowup to prove that the problems between us are all the fault of my reactions, not her actions.

Mine says it's "the reason I feel this way".  She can spend the day doing the things on your list and then when I finally get pissed she states well, the only reason I would get upset is because her "insights" have struck a nerve... .

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Her late-night lectures were rants in which she berated me with the same points over and over. 

No, no, no... .it's not the same point... .she's "clarifying things"

[Lucky Jim]

No, no, no... .it's not the same point... .she's "clarifying things"

Too funny, IsItHerOrIsItMe!   

I used to say, "I heard you the first time!" to no avail.

LJ

[Hmcbart]

My wife is the same way. The nagging, fault finding, and criticisms... .oh the criticisms. That's the part that always gets me. I am the nicest person in the world and really don't have a temper but after a few hours or even days of this you break.

And yes, that's exactly when I get told that she acts the way she acts. Because of how I speak to her. It's gotten comical now as I've learned more about BPD. I still can only take so much before I break and start yelling and cussing.

I think what she does is forbidden in the Geneva Convention for prisoners of war.

The best part is the constant questions when she doesn't like your answer. She just keeps rewording the question differently until you have to answer it the way she wants. The same technique lawyers use. They ask closed ended question that can only be answered logically one way. She's a mast of this.

I noticed one night she was doing this to my oldest son when they were doing homework. He started doing what I have always done. He would change his answer each time she asked the question differently. She would get hotter and hotter each time. I intervened and sent him upstairs while I had a discussion (see also; catastrophic argument).

I told her what her was doing and that I do the same thing when she does this. Now she will reword her question a couple of times and then ask if I'm just telling her what she wants to hear or being truthful. I tell her every time, "if you wanted the truth you would have accepted my first answer".

But the criticisms is always the worst. She loves to tear me down when I'm upbeat and having a good day. It's hard to ignore those, they sting a bit  sometimes.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

The best part is the constant questions when she doesn't like your answer. She just keeps rewording the question differently until you have to answer it the way she wants.

This is a daily event... .Because a show we watched on TV today had a woman showing cleavage (which wasn't same woman last month when a character showed some), or a commercial during the news had a woman, or somebody on TV made a sex joke, or somebody, somewhere used a slang term that she didn't know.

All of them are jumping off points for the same conversation we've had hundreds of times.  How is it so difficult to understand the conversation being different vs. today's reason for starting the same conversation is different?

[Hmcbart]

I questioned her once about this during an argument. I asked why she kept asking me the exact same question over and over. She said she wasn't asking the same question she was asking a different one.

I was really frustrated at that point and told her that it was a question about the exact same thing, it was just phrased differently. She proceeded to ask me the exact same thing 5 more times that was worded differently. After the 2nd time I said "let me save you some time". I then repeated my answer about 8 times and told her now she didn't need to keep asking.

That didn't end well as you can imagine. I'm constantly astounded by her logic.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I was really frustrated at that point and told her that it was a question about the exact same thing, it was just phrased differently. She proceeded to ask me the exact same thing 5 more times that was worded differently. After the 2nd time I said "let me save you some time". I then repeated my answer about 8 times and told her now she didn't need to keep asking.

Been there... .done that

[Setter Rob]

I see that many of you are similarly assaulted with questions late at night, and it sounds like these are often about serious issues. My wife generally gets to me over little matters--the latest blow-up was over what pain pill I had given the dog. We were downstairs watching a movie, the pills were upstairs. Either of the two pain pills would have been fine, I didn't know their names nor which one I had administered, and neither did she: it was a matter of control at the expense of comfort and relaxation.

She has often asked me the same question in two or three different ways, within the span of a couple of minutes, either because she wasn't listening to the answers or because she didn't trust them. She may have gotten better about this over the years, and better about several BP traits, but I have gotten more sensitive and am getting close to a fourth separation, this time for good.

I am approaching 70 (she's 55), and I would like peace in my remaining years.

[Lucky Jim]

She then uses my blowup to prove that the problems between us are all the fault of my reactions, not her actions.

This is a familiar scenario, too.  My BPDxW would goad and bully me relentlessly in order to get a reaction out of me.  Then when I reached my limit and pushed back (figuratively), she would pretend that she was the victim of my bad behavior.  I viewed this dynamic as a case of catching fleas from her. 

She brought out some of the worst behavior in me.  Name-calling, swearing, slamming doors, etc.  On some level, I suspect she enjoyed getting a negative reaction out of me.  Since our b/u, I have had no need to engage in behavior of this sort.  I never acted like that before I met her, either.  It's not my style and not who I am, but everyone has their limits and I was pushed over the brink.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

P.S.  Setter Rob, I love your statement:

I am approaching 70 (she's 55), and I would like peace in my remaining years.

[Setter Rob]

Well, if you loved that quote--approaching 70, I'd also love to have sex again before I drop off the twig.

[Hmcbart]

She then uses my blowup to prove that the problems between us are all the fault of my reactions, not her actions.

This is a familiar scenario, too.  My BPDxW would goad and bully me relentlessly in order to get a reaction out of me.  Then when I reached my limit and pushed back (figuratively), she would pretend that she was the victim of my bad behavior. 

She brought out some of the worst behavior in me.  Name-calling, swearing, slamming doors, etc.  On some level, I suspect she enjoyed getting a negative reaction out of me.  Since our b/u, I have had no need to engage in behavior of this sort.  I never acted like that before I met her, either.  It's not my style and not who I am, but everyone has their limits and I was pushed over the brink.

LuckyJim

I posted earlier on another thread about this. I know that she doesn't realize she is doing these things. And that's the part that scares me the most. On a subconscious level, my wife is a better tactician than every general who ever lived. She can strategically make little comments in just a way that will cause me to finally get upset. And like you, I'm not that person, I don't like to yell or cuss at anyone.

Even if it takes her a week or more, she will get me upset. She will then jump on the victim bandwagon and tell me how mean I am and that I'm not the man she married. Guess what dear, you are correct. I was the man you married, you changed me into this after 20 years of verbal and mental abuse. What did you expect was going to happen here. It's like a parasite slowly killing its host and then getting mad at the host because it's dead.

This needs an emoticon with an exploding head! That's how I feel right now.