Girlfriend with BPD, Looking forward to a great future and interested in tips :)

[KL2015]

Hi, so I've been lurking around on this site for a few days because my girlfriend told me that she was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I, at first, did not know what this meant and she simply referred me to look up things online. Possibly because it would be difficult for her to explain and that at the time she wasn't really super aware of what her symptoms were or how moderate - severe they were.

This has been one of the most informative sites I've found, especially since it involves discussion, which I think brings BPD to light and helps clear up a lot of misinformation. Besides BPD, my girlfriend also struggles with Depression and PTSD. But she is in therapy and has a self-desire to change and grow since she's been in Therapy on her own accord for almost 2 years and she and I have been dating for 9 months. 9 months of practically long-distance the entire time.

So in short, I guess I'm here because I want to stay with her and I want to do all that I can to make sure that I'm actively contributing to having a great and healthy relationship with her. I've looked at the sidebar to the right where the "Lessons" are located and I'd honestly just like to know more, learn more, and gain insight.

If anyone out there has any word of advice for me that'd be amazing! Thanks for welcoming me 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zeus123]

good luck!

[Infern0]

Learn as much as you can about the disorder.

Don't define your girlfriend by her illness

Be aware that the illness WILL cause difficulties in your relationship

Work on yourself and look after yourself. For borderline relationships to have the best chance it requires a strong non with a great deal of emotional self control

Learn the communication techniques

DON'T buckle in the face of disregulation

Learn about gaslighting and how to defend against it.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi KL2015,  

Welcome aboard. You have come to the right place for support, understanding, and learning how to improve your relationship with your person with BPD (pwBPD).  

You already have a great start to improving your relationship by reading the lessons. The lessons are an integral part of improving your relationship.  The motto on this board, "before you make anything better, you must stop making it worse," really is the foundation of improving a relationship with a pwBPD.

Prior to adhering to that motto, many times I basically added fuel to the fire.  The first thing I started to work on was myself.  Being in a relationship with a pwBPD requires us, the non-BPD partner, to change some things about ourselves.  I knew that I had to learn to take care of myself first, before I could contribute to my relationship. Mainly, I had to work on how I coped with when my bf dysregulates or engages in certain coping/defense mechanisms.  I used to take much of his behavior personal, but learning about the disorder and working on myself helped me to almost depersonalize some of his coping/defense mechanisms.

Working on yourself allows you to be mentally stronger and able to cope more efficiently with certain situations. Also, I found that having a support system of my family, friends, and my psychologist really helped me.  :)o you have an outside support system?

[Rockylove]

Learn as much as you can about the disorder.

Don't define your girlfriend by her illness

Be aware that the illness WILL cause difficulties in your relationship

Work on yourself and look after yourself. For borderline relationships to have the best chance it requires a strong non with a great deal of emotional self control

Learn the communication techniques

DON'T buckle in the face of disregulation

Learn about gaslighting and how to defend against it.

I will say... .there are no magic potions or wand waving that will make it all perfect, but some times, perfection is just not an option. 

Might I suggest Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason & Kreger as a great book to start with... .Many other suggested books have been invaluable to me.  Keep us posted on how you are doing and if there's anything else you need help with

[KL2015]

Learn about gaslighting and how to defend against it.

Awesome advice. Yeah, I don't define her by any of the things she's been diagnosed with, but it's all in the back of my head. I've seen the word gaslighting before, but have never really found any strong info about it. Could you reference some material to me?

[KL2015]

Working on yourself allows you to be mentally stronger and able to cope more efficiently with certain situations. Also, I found that having a support system of my family, friends, and my psychologist really helped me.  :)o you have an outside support system?

Yes to all of the above! As soon as I started reading more and learning more about BPD, depression, PTSD and what not I found myself naturally becoming less affected by her behaviors and more understanding of why she did things.

I've got a great support system of friends, family, and I see my T when I'm able and do phone sessions when unable. I think the expression of using this as a stepping stone instead of an obstacle to a better future is great. Serves as motivation to better myself even more.

[Loosestrife]

I would read 'stop being a care taker now' before you fully commit to being a life long carer for a person who is mentally ill. I wish that was the first book I had read. Good luck, you are going to need it  

[Infern0]

Learn about gaslighting and how to defend against it.

Awesome advice. Yeah, I don't define her by any of the things she's been diagnosed with, but it's all in the back of my head. I've seen the word gaslighting before, but have never really found any strong info about it. Could you reference some material to me?

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

True borderlines (not comorbid) will gaslight but unintentionally and mainly out of a sense of self preservation or confusion during difficult times. Don't take it personally but you HAVE to protect yourself from it because it's extremely dangerous,  I suffered a nervous breakdown due to it

[misuniadziubek]

Learn about gaslighting and how to defend against it.

Awesome advice. Yeah, I don't define her by any of the things she's been diagnosed with, but it's all in the back of my head. I've seen the word gaslighting before, but have never really found any strong info about it. Could you reference some material to me?

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

True borderlines (not comorbid) will gaslight but unintentionally and mainly out of a sense of self preservation or confusion during difficult times. Don't take it personally but you HAVE to protect yourself from it because it's extremely dangerous,  I suffered a nervous breakdown due to it

.

The description was hard for me to read. I've experienced that very situation twice in a two year period with my uBPDbf, almost exactly one year apart. I was much stronger the second time around and recovered quicker psychologically (I had already established my own values and boundaries emotionally so I knew I would be gentle and non judgmental to myself) but it was far more intense and left scars, physically.

I still have to remind myself I'm not crazy sometimes. I learned from it as well. I should have left the room, the house, the city... .Something... .The moment he started convincing me how terrible and manipulative I was. When it ended... .The attack, he was fine, but I felt like a shell of a person.