Sister with BPD is making my life chaotic

[Depression = 72% of members]

For years I've been confused by my sisters erratic and explosive behaviours. One some days she can be the sweetest, funniest and most kind hearted people I know. Than seemingly out of no where she would turn into a raging beast.

Things have escalated slowly over the years and right now it's gotten to the point where I can feel my self running out of steam. She is triggered by the most mundane events and will blame me for not being there for her despite the fact that I do the best I can. She will scream and rage, disrupting  the entire house. She turns on everyone when she has a bad day, and whenever I try to walk away from a situation that has escalated far too much she accuses me of not caring for her and that is she kills herself that it will be "all your fault." Every time she says that it pierces me and I stay with her even though I can feel that my body just wants to collapse from the stress. She hits herself and scratches her skin when she gets really mad and will totally dissociate. It's terrifying to witness someone you love do that to themselves.

I recently completed my Masters and was able to find a full time job and it has been a saving grace for me. I have a long commute so I have to wake up early to get to work and I take my time coming home so I spend as little time as possible with her. I feel guilty for doing it but I need to be away from her otherwise I know that I am going to crack soon. I have the weekends off and I try to use that time to get some extra sleep. My sister has consistently woke me up at 9am on the weekends because she had a "bad night" and wants to talk about it. When I try to tell her I'm tired and that we'll talk later, she gets upset with me because "clearly sleep is more important than me, who cares if I die. No body gives a ___." I end up waking up and sitting with her and I feel so stupid for giving into her manipulation tactics. I feel like she knows that I feel guilty if I ignore her and she knows how to push my buttons. When I've tried to stick to my guns and maintain my boundaries, that only seems to make things worse. She'll scream and yell about how nobody really cares and that it's easy for everyone else to walk away from her because nobody cares and we're all just really selfish.

She demonizes everyone in her life and get upset with her friends when they appear to be "too busy with their lives" to "be there" for her. What she expects from everyone is totally unrealistic and she discounts the effort people do make. She is constantly threatening to kill herself when she gets into an escalated state and when you try to discuss anything with her she immdietly  starts to complain about how difficult things are for her and how she wishes that she could die and doesn't want to be here anymore. She always tells me that I don't understand what it's like and that I've had things easy because mom and dad love me more (absolutely not true). When she does something that oversteps a boundary and I try to communicate that with her she will verbally lash out at me and accuse me acting like I'm perfect all the time and will remind of the times I've "screwed up". If I try to ask her to stop attacking me she'll turn around and start yelling at me for "always making things about you." I feel like I'm on a roller coaster from hell, that will never end.

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do next.

[tasha568]

For years I've been confused by my sisters erratic and explosive behaviours. One some days she can be the sweetest, funniest and most kind hearted people I know. Than seemingly out of no where she would turn into a raging beast.

Things have escalated slowly over the years and right now it's gotten to the point where I can feel my self running out of steam. She is triggered by the most mundane events and will blame me for not being there for her despite the fact that I do the best I can. She will scream and rage, disrupting  the entire house. She turns on everyone when she has a bad day, and whenever I try to walk away from a situation that has escalated far too much she accuses me of not caring for her and that is she kills herself that it will be "all your fault." Every time she says that it pierces me and I stay with her even though I can feel that my body just wants to collapse from the stress. She hits herself and scratches her skin when she gets really mad and will totally dissociate. It's terrifying to witness someone you love do that to themselves.

I recently completed my Masters and was able to find a full time job and it has been a saving grace for me. I have a long commute so I have to wake up early to get to work and I take my time coming home so I spend as little time as possible with her. I feel guilty for doing it but I need to be away from her otherwise I know that I am going to crack soon. I have the weekends off and I try to use that time to get some extra sleep. My sister has consistently woke me up at 9am on the weekends because she had a "bad night" and wants to talk about it. When I try to tell her I'm tired and that we'll talk later, she gets upset with me because "clearly sleep is more important than me, who cares if I die. No body gives a ___." I end up waking up and sitting with her and I feel so stupid for giving into her manipulation tactics. I feel like she knows that I feel guilty if I ignore her and she knows how to push my buttons. When I've tried to stick to my guns and maintain my boundaries, that only seems to make things worse. She'll scream and yell about how nobody really cares and that it's easy for everyone else to walk away from her because nobody cares and we're all just really selfish.

She demonizes everyone in her life and get upset with her friends when they appear to be "too busy with their lives" to "be there" for her. What she expects from everyone is totally unrealistic and she discounts the effort people do make. She is constantly threatening to kill herself when she gets into an escalated state and when you try to discuss anything with her she immdietly  starts to complain about how difficult things are for her and how she wishes that she could die and doesn't want to be here anymore. She always tells me that I don't understand what it's like and that I've had things easy because mom and dad love me more (absolutely not true). When she does something that oversteps a boundary and I try to communicate that with her she will verbally lash out at me and accuse me acting like I'm perfect all the time and will remind of the times I've "screwed up". If I try to ask her to stop attacking me she'll turn around and start yelling at me for "always making things about you." I feel like I'm on a roller coaster from hell, that will never end.

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do next.

[clljhns]

Hi tasha568,

I am so sorry to hear about the problems with your sister. I know how this feels. I have two sisters that I believe are BPD/NPD and NPD. It was completely exhausting to be with them. It seemed to get worse as we became adults. I also set boundaries, and yet would also give in each time. I found that I was stricken with such guilt over the thought of "abandoning" them, that I tolerated their outbursts, rages, and outrageous behavior (my oldest sister pretended that she had three personalities once. That was a wild ride!  )

What I did do was learn how not feel guilty for their choices and obligated to them because they were my sisters. Have you read the article on FOG? It is at the top of this board. I would also suggest that you read the article on codependency. We don't have to be in a romantic relationship to have a codependent relationship. You can also find this article at the top of the board.

Do you live at home with your parents? If so, what is their take on your sister's behavior? Has your sister ever received treatment?

Please let us know how you are doing and how we can help. You have come to the right place for support!

Wishing you all the best. 

[tasha568]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps to know that others have gone through similar experiences and even just reading about how other have dealt with this in past is a helpful

I started reading some books and literature on BPD. This past summer she was hospitalized for the first time after trying to OD on her anxiety medication. This wasn't her first suicide attempt, she's taken over the counter pills before but she never went to the hospital. She was kept for a few days for observation and then the psychiatrist asked to have a family session. It was there he informed us that he noted several characteristics present in individuals with BPD in my sister. He recommended DBT therapy and some literature for us to look into as a family. My sister saw a therapist for a while but once that was over she didn't really follow up with the DBT and if I bring it up she just brushes it away. I did end up getting some of the books and after doing some research of my own, there is no doubt in my mind that my sister is BPD.

I think because my cultural background place a significant importance on family it plays a lot into the co-dependance and enmeshment in our relationship. I do live at home, by choice, because I have a really great relationship with my parents and they have been a great support to me. They are aware of her behaviour and it places a great amount of stress on them too. We barely go by a week or two without an outburst.

She blames my parents for a lot but she doesn't even realize how lucky she is. Me and my other sibling acknowledge that we are, for the lack of a better word, spoiled and that our parents have really given us a lot. They paid for our education, got us whatever we needed and even more, and gave us the luxury of not having to worry about paying bills while going through school. I know that I am INCREDIBLY fortunate and that I owe so much of my success to their support. My sister can only find ways to complain. If my dad gets mad because she hit the car, again... .for the 4th time in less than a year, she is the one who gets outraged because she thinks all he cares about is money. She has a vendetta on both my parents and even struck my mom once.

My sister is also jealous of the relationship I have with my two younger siblings. She gets upset when we all spend time together, and even though we want her to be with us she accuses us of trying to push her out. It's crazy making.

Other than my relationship with my sister things in my life are going great but this one source of stress is becoming too much a burden and something needs to change soon. Any advice or idea's are welcome at this point. It is comforting in a way to know that other people have gone through similar relationships and are finding ways to work through them.

[clljhns]

  tasha568,

I think because my cultural background place a significant importance on family it plays a lot into the co-dependance and enmeshment in our relationship

Family is very important and I understand what you are saying. I am so happy to know that you have such loving and supportive parents. Congratulations, by the way, on your masters! A strong family foundation filled with safety, security and love is what all children need to grow into healthy adults. It sounds like you and your other sister are well on your way to accomplishing this. It is so unfortunate that your other sister does not want to participate in DBT at this time. I have heard how helpful this form of therapy is for persons with BPD.

She has a vendetta on both my parents and even struck my mom once.

This concerns me. Has this happened before? What was done when this happened? How was your sister held accountable for this? Is there a family plan in the event that this happens again?

One thing you might want to consider is family counseling. Perhaps, if your sister doesn't want to attend therapy at this time, then you and your family could to help you learn some tools in dealing with your sister. Speaking of tools, there are many helpful articles on communicating and setting boundaries. I have included the links: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm andhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0.

something needs to change soon

What can you do for yourself, other than staying late at work? Do you have friends that you spend time with? Do you live near extended family that visit regularly?

Glad you are here. Keep us posted on how things are going. We are here to listen and support. 

[tasha568]

Thank you for the links and the suggestions. I’m going to look into them.

I have tried to express to her that she needs to get help, especially for all the suicidal threats she makes. Part of me is scared that she will follow through with her threats one day but at the same time I also know that by giving into that fear I am playing right into her manipulation. Even though I know it is not intentional and she might not even be aware of what she is doing, I have started to hold a lot of resentment towards her because of it.

When she hit my mom, we talked about it as a family and she apologized profusely. Although it’s never happened again, I don’t think that the consequence of her actions were enough. My parents are in a bind when it comes to her because of how she guilt’s them for ruining her life by not being there for her enough.  So they might get really upset in the moment but then they try to smooth things over in the hopes that it will make everything better. This isn’t working because it’s just getting worse with each passing day.

I have told her that if she threatens her safety or is a threat to the family that I will call the police to prevent the situation from escalating. This has helped reduce her violent outburst towards others however the suicide threats are still an issue and when I ask her if her suicidal ideation is really that intense that I have to call for an ambulance/take her to emergency she goes on a tirade about how it’s so easy for me to “dump” her at the hospital so I can just forget about her.

I have been trying to do a lot of self-care by taking time for myself, picking up new hobbies, and spending time with my friends and my boyfriend.  I was actually living away from home for 2 years while I was at school and I feel horrible for saying this but it was amazing because of the physical distance away from my sister. Now that I’m back home, it’s getting so hard to get through the days. I’m considering moving out just for my own sanity but then I get upset. I feel angry that I have to be the one that leaves because of her behavior. I also feel guilty about leaving my parents to deal with her alone. I just remember all the phone calls I used to get last year from my mom crying about how my sister was getting out of hand. 

Part of me wishes I could just get away and have no more contact with her but I just don’t know how plausible that is. My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married and he thinks that once I get away things will be better but even then I worry about what she might do. She gets jealous easily and she already gets upset when I spend time with him. She see’s my life as being “perfect” and that I have no struggles because I have a job, a boyfriend, and I get along with the family.

Ugh

Sorry for rambling on like this. I never really have expressed how much she has affected me prior to this and I have so much pent up inside of me that it’s all just spewing out. Everything that she has done in the recent past is an escalation from her prior outburst and it’s getting tough to cope with.

It doesn’t help that she is in the middle of one of her episodes which started after she scratched my new SUV  that I got with the help of my parents. I told her to tell my dad about the damage because it was the right things to do and my dad (obviously) got upset because she has also scratched up his car and my mom’s car and she also broke my mom’s windshield during one her rages this past year. She is blaming me for my parents being upset with her ( ) and this is when I just had it. I stopped reacting to her and stayed in my room even while she was screaming and yelling in the hallway. She burst into my room in the middle of night yelling about how awful I am, how I’m never there for her when she really needs me, and that I am a liar because I don’t keep my promises to her. She than started hitting herself with my hair iron and broke it. I told her to get out and that I wasn’t going to put up with this and if she continued hitting herself that I would have to call emergency services. She left screaming but went to her room and calmed down. I don’t even want to go home today because I know that’s what I have to face.

Thank you again for your support. I feel like I’m just dumping a lot because this is the first time I feel like I can and it just helps knowing that there is a place where I can do that. 

[Spruce927]

I think the title of your post sums up how it is to be close to someone with BPD, "chaotic."

First of all I'm very sorry you are going through this.  I have an BPD mother and I go through the same thing that you go through with your sister. 

I would also like to tell you a couple of things about the suicide threats.  First of all, if you've looked into this disorder there is a high rate of suicide (compared to other personality disorders.)  It ranks at about 10%, however there is a VERY high rate of threatening suicide.  I clearly do not know enough about your sister and her mental state to tell you anything about what she will or will not do.  I'd just like to share my story with this because I know all too well how borderlines use suicide. 

I am 30 now, but at 25 my parents divorced after being married for over 30 years.  It was a very difficult time and as you can imagine completely out of control due to my mothers disorder.  While my father cheated, and she found out, her reaction lasted years and was so destructive she ended up hospitalized.  However, if I did not listen to all of her problems, or give into being there 24/7 for her during this time she would lash out.  My sister and I also had a very tough time with this but my mother was not capable of even caring about our feelings.  Instead, she would call me telling me that she had "taken an entire bottle of pills" and was dying.  She would then not answer the phone for hours so that I would worry.  This caused me intense anxiety.  Often times she'd tell me she was in a hotel somewhere and that her suicide letter was under the pillow.  She would instruct me on who could and who couldn't (my father and some other people who had "wronged" her) be at her funeral.  It got so bad that once I actually called the police after she came to my business and threatened suicide in front of me.  The police did come out and the officer looked right at me and said "suicide isn't illegal." 

My point in sharing this is that suicide is such a scary thing.  I was sick over my mother saying this.  However just keep in mind sometimes (NOT ALWAYS) they do this as manipulative attention seeking behavior.  It's hard to understand that, but its the sad truth. 

How are you personally working through this?

I'm doing my best.  Hang in there as well it gets better.  Being on here and finding support helps more than you know. 

[tasha568]

I’m sorry that you had to go through that. It can’t have been easy and I can relate to what it feels like to get those phone calls. When I was away from home, my sister called me a few times in the middle of the night to crying and telling me that she had taken a whole bottle of pills. I felt so helpless because I was literally on the opposite end of the country and I even asked her what she thought was going to happen when she called, that this isn’t healthy and she needs to get help because one day she is really going to hurt herself and there won’t be a way to take it back.

Also that officer did not handle that situation appropriately. If your mother was presenting with serious suicidal ideation they are required to bring her to emergency and there they can assess her risk. If anything does come up again and you have to call the police, let them know what is happening and that you require the mental health team. They usually have officers who have been trained to deal specifically with mental health issues. I’m not sure if that’s how things work where you are but that is the system in place where I live.

It is really hard to discern if the threat is real or if it’s just a manipulation tactic but I think that the best thing you can rely on is your judgment because at the end of the day you do have a good sense of her as a person even amidst all the erratic behaviors.

I’m tired of being manipulated by suicide threats at this point and I’ve decided that unless I really feels that she is serious I’m going to walk away from the conversation (if you can really call it a conversation) I’m not going to be guilted into staying up at odd hours of the night or changing my plans to be with her during her “crisis”. It feels harsh but I’m not putting my life on pause anymore. It feels so wrong to always be the one saying sorry only to later hear how I never say sorry or how I’m never there.

I haven’t really dealt with my issues around my relationship with my sister before this. This is a huge first step for me and it started by contemplating the idea of going NC with her. I don’t know if that is the route I will ultimately choose but I know now I need to do something. Self-care and taking time out for me is going to be a big piece of working through this and I think I might seek out some counselling to process all this. I feel like things will get better, nothing is every permanent and the one thing I know I can do is to keep moving forward and in the end I’ll see where that leads me.

[clljhns]

  tasha568,

My parents are in a bind when it comes to her because of how she guilt’s them for ruining her life by not being there for her enough.  So they might get really upset in the moment but then they try to smooth things over in the hopes that it will make everything better. This isn’t working because it’s just getting worse with each passing day.

Here are some ideas on the situation:

1. The family needs to come together and make a plan. I like that you have given your sister limits and consequences to here actions: I will call the police if this continues; I will call the ambulance if you harm yourself. These are perfect examples of giving her clear expectations and consequences when she doesn't comply with the expectations. Have your parents been able to give her the same consequences for her actions? If not, then I would suggest that you talk with your parents about coming up with a plan to address her behaviors with specific consequences for those behaviors. If your parents don't feel comfortable doing this, then it might be worth their time to see a counselor who can help them with the guilt that currently keeps them from giving consequences for the behavior.

2. Remove yourself from the situation. You have done this, based on your statements in your posts. Continue to do this by removing yourself from the room that she is dysregulating.

3. Continue to keep your life as normal as possible. Friends, boyfriend, work, etc. Don't change your routine to accommodate your sister's behavior.

I think the one thing that I would definitely suggest is family counseling. If your sister is not willing to participate, that is okay. It is important that you and your parents learn the skills needed to deal with your sister. Even if you do move out, which at some point, this is only natural, these skills will benefit you in the future.

I feel like I’m just dumping a lot because this is the first time I feel like I can and it just helps knowing that there is a place where I can do that.

Yes! This is place where you can vent and be heard! We are all glad that you are here and happy to help in any way we can.