Struggling | Running

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It has been a very long while since I have posted...  

I am struggling,

ran across some old photos of me and the X.  Brought tears to my eyes and prompted me to write a letter to her... One I wanted to send, but not sure if i want to open that door, or worse be rejected


It seems like I have buried a host of feelings in work , travel, and success,,  Just moving on... But on the inside running into those photos and realizing, that I have suffered from PTSD with her , these old feelings and thoughts flooded the forefront of me being.


Not sure how many have been in this place I am trying to describe... But I am concerned... As I feel like I have deeper issues. Like afraid I am still in love with her. or want to reconnect...   terrified

I have not dated anyone in 2 years.  I miss my old friends... that I lost when she occupied my city and I felt it best to move away... Thru the whole 3 week marriage, Before she split, and the divorce , that she never showed up for... I went NC for ever...

That I really never spoke with her on so many issues to get closure... I just took the self perserverance route...

Here I am now years later... .Stumbled on these photos, and I am crying in my bed... Kinda freaks me out... I am a strong guy., but tendered hearted.

Writing this email in Draft from, brought out a lot...   I have contemplated on sending it...   But know it might not be such a good idea...   I need to be reminded why... But also validated that I am not some crippled human from this experience...

I am 46,  alone... and feel crushed today about something that happened a few years back... .Best I can describe is old unresolved feelings, of rejection, and hurt that I feel like I may have run from...   I want to stop running, and know that I am ok, not alone in this, and ready for the next stage of healing,,

[CVA]

It has been a very long while since I have posted...  

I am struggling,

ran across some old photos of me and the X.  Brought tears to my eyes and prompted me to write a letter to her... One I wanted to send, but not sure if i want to open that door, or worse be rejected


It seems like I have buried a host of feelings in work , travel, and success,,  Just moving on... But on the inside running into those photos and realizing, that I have suffered from PTSD with her , these old feelings and thoughts flooded the forefront of me being.


Not sure how many have been in this place I am trying to describe... But I am concerned... As I feel like I have deeper issues. Like afraid I am still in love with her. or want to reconnect...   terrified

I have not dated anyone in 2 years.  I miss my old friends... that I lost when she occupied my city and I felt it best to move away... Thru the whole 3 week marriage, Before she split, and the divorce , that she never showed up for... I went NC for ever...

That I really never spoke with her on so many issues to get closure... I just took the self perserverance route...

Here I am now years later... .Stumbled on these photos, and I am crying in my bed... Kinda freaks me out... I am a strong guy., but tendered hearted.

Writing this email in Draft from, brought out a lot...   I have contemplated on sending it...   But know it might not be such a good idea...   I need to be reminded why... But also validated that I am not some crippled human from this experience...

I am 46,  alone... and feel crushed today about something that happened a few years back... .Best I can describe is old unresolved feelings, of rejection, and hurt that I feel like I may have run from...   I want to stop running, and know that I am ok, not alone in this, and ready for the next stage of healing,,

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CVA, Sorry to hear you are struggling.  Photos can be deceiving, needless to say.  Externalizing your feelings about the photos by drafting a letter to your Ex is a positive step, in my view, and is far healthier than submerging or denying your feelings.  So give yourself credit for taking a healthy action.

No, I don't encourage you to send the letter.  It's a set-up for disappointment and rejection.  You state that you suffered PTSD from your r/s.  If so, can you see why contacting her is not a good idea?  It will reopen old wounds, I suspect, from which you have yet to heal.  Are you working with a T?  Have you given serious thought to how you got into a r/s with a pwBPD?  Are you treating yourself in a kind and respectful fashion?  If so, why would you want to go back into the lion's den?

You don't need to run anymore.  Just be present with your feelings and try to live authentically.  Be yourself!

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

  Allowing yourself to feel these things is hard but important work.

Perhaps you weren't strong enough to experience all the pain when it was happening.

Writing is a great idea. I'd recommend you write a journal for yourself, rather than an email you will think of sending. Get lots of stuff like that written down, find your feelings. Think about it. Maybe you will decide you want to communicate something with her. Maybe not.

What about reconnecting with some of the old friends you left behind?

[Reecer1588]

Hey CVA, Sorry to hear you are struggling.  Photos can be deceiving, needless to say.  Externalizing your feelings about the photos by drafting a letter to your Ex is a positive step, in my view, and is far healthier than submerging or denying your feelings.  So give yourself credit for taking a healthy action.

No, I don't encourage you to send the letter.  It's a set-up for disappointment and rejection.  You state that you suffered PTSD from your r/s.  If so, can you see why contacting her is not a good idea?  It will reopen old wounds, I suspect, from which you have yet to heal.  Are you working with a T?  Have you given serious thought to how you got into a r/s with a pwBPD?  Are you treating yourself in a kind and respectful fashion?  If so, why would you want to go back into the lion's den?

You don't need to run anymore.  Just be present with your feelings and try to live authentically.  Be yourself!

LuckyJim

I just wanted to reaffirm the nation that Photos can be deceiving. Writing on here is of upmost therapeutic value for me, I bet it is for you, too.

Hope things improve for you soon 

[CVA]

First of all thanks for the responses. 

Yes it is some tough stuff.  I think that maybe you are right Grey Kitty, that there was so much going on at the time to process everything. And I just pushed on and tended to bury some stuff,  Its been a weight for sure. 

I was seeing a T about a year ago for a good while.  I then went on travel and well it seemed i was doing well... I thought after this esposiode of maybe going back,, But felt i just need to post here and connect with my peers here,.

Yesterday was the first time in 3 years after stumbling across our photos in my hard drives that I had saved... I was searching for some old photos of seascapes that I have taken and well opened that folder that held some early memories of when I was falling for her and asked her to be my wife...

Yesteday was also the first time in 3 years or more that I have googled her to see what was up... Something I was sufficient at doing not seeking her... Thats when i saw the most recent photo of her.  and YEs she still lives in the town I desired for us to settle... I think i was hoping g that actually by now she would have moved back to the west coast... And i could roam freely and make new friends . possibly move back and start over,, which was my original plan when she left... but I let her come back and well she seemed to have dug in to a place where i have had 8 years of history, and infiltrated my network and church family. I was not strong enough at the time, and was struggling financially from the divorce and hiring a lawyer to protect myself, that it was not worth the energy, heartbreak, drama, and fear of being caught in a detrimental situation, that could lead to jail time or her false accusations that she would conjur up.,, Like being pregnant, and miscarriage, and her desire for me to disfigure disfigure her

Which was the creepiest scariest thing i have ever herd someone ask of me in a dispute... So it seemed like a good idea to get far away,, which i have... .



Anyhow,, ya some emotion was stirred inside of me today.   I am the kinda guy that liked to have peaceful relations and endings... , which help moving on in a healthier way... You know things in the past may not have worked out with other reltisonshops and I have ended them for the most part in a fashion that I honored my significant other... .But this was not the case here... which has left me to figure out how to manage, decipher, process and heal on my own.


Not just cutting her out of my life but 8 years of history of relationships & community that I introduced her to, and connections prior to me doing the dance with her, has been the toughest. Things will never be the same after all that mess. People siding with her etc, Not knowing all the facts... etc

So yes,  today I felt a wave of grief.,  a large wave at that. 

I think how i got involved with her was because I was so ready to settle down, and the path leading up to the day I met her at a friends house in cali while i was in school ,, seemed like it was just another blessing along the way...

Her  beauty, charm, and Waif qualities. seemed to be very alluring... and the fact that she was a GINGER, kinda just smittened me.  Along with her very settle modest yet, flirty sex signals in the hot tub was intoxicating to me.  I am not sure if any man could have resisted,

So from the early stages, although smitten. I rejected her... because my Spidy senses told me  she seemed to be a tease, fickel, and i detected  the early push pulls, when i tried to get close to know her,   But that rejection unknowing to me at the time , made her pursue me more, which was something i was not used too and made me second guess myself  that I may have had a winner here and needed to check her out. well long story short you see where that got me

now i feel lonely, not so much a shell, but a half shell.  i don't get out as much in social settings. I feel like a freak, with a whole in my heart that i cover up well,, I'm not sure what to do at this point. except to write here...

Seems like i have slipped back into depression today... just like my mind had processed all the abuse , trauma, and a year of chaos and torture in one long day today... I am still sorta reeling from it...

I think now, looking back, i must have been a easy target,, in missionary school, desiring a wife, and not so skilled at spotting mental illness.   I tend to accept broken people or people of less fortune... from my upbringing., as a military brat. My mom was always working with the orphanages and taught me how to see the beauty in families, and friends who were poor and distraught... She was a caretaker ,, So i learned to share, give, take in the stranded and give them food... its what we did, growing up in Japan, Spain & Hawaii... i remember my mom reaching out to prostitute and giving them a thanksgiving meal...   She was wonderful, but I think I never learned boundaries,,or thought that BPD even exsisted... I just had no way of knowing that this could ever happen.   I gave my VOWS and Loyalty to this woman... and within 2 days of marriage  all hell broke loose... .I can say i did not see it coming,, But it was definitely concelled from me. I beat myself up. Somehow i need to forgive myself ,,I allowed this terror in my life,, gave my heart over to it... the trauma was just how fast it came... like overnight,, as soon as we had sex., Being that we never had sex till marriage.  She had me believing she was a virgin, and such.  Just another trap for me to honor a woman of virtue... I felt like i did not deserve such a gift...   damn I was fooled...   Ok  I realize i am ranting here and off on tangents,   it just feels god to get it out... to be real, again,, 

sighing off

CVA

[Grey Kitty]

It is healing to acknowledge what you've been through like this.

Do you have any close friends or family members who would be safe to share any of what you are feeling with?

When my marriage (over 20 years) first started to truly unravel five months ago, I think the best thing I've done in my life was pick one friend... .who I'd known for a few years, who met my wife before she met me... .who I respected a lot and trusted, and who knew some personal details about prior complicated issues in our marriage... .but wasn't THAT close to, and called her one night when I was utterly shattered and broken. She was incredibly supportive, and instantly joined "Team Grey Kitty" supporting me. Pretty soon she was the team captain. I don't know where I'd be today without her. Since that day I reached out, the team has expanded. There is now another equally amazing co-captain, and a few other people who have made a huge difference. Plus this community here.   I've come a long way. I've done a lot of hard work. I did it myself, but I didn't do it alone.

I tend to accept broken people or people of less fortune... from my upbringing., as a military brat. My mom was always working with the orphanages and taught me how to see the beauty in families, and friends who were poor and distraught... She was a caretaker ,, So i learned to share, give, take in the stranded and give them food... its what we did, growing up in Japan, Spain & Hawaii... i remember my mom reaching out to prostitute and giving them a thanksgiving meal...   She was wonderful, but I think I never learned boundaries,,or thought that BPD even exsisted... I just had no way of knowing that this could ever happen.

There is a beautiful compassionate caring part of being a caretaker. Honor and respect that in you. If you shut it down, you would be a lesser person.

There is an unhealthy part where you ignore yourself, give things you cannot afford to lose, and fail to take care of yourself.

As you heal and grow, you will learn to be generous and compassionate to others without losing yourself. Trust that you will find this.