My Story Sounds Just Like Everyone Else's...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello All,

    So... .my story is strikingly similar to so many others I have read while lurking these boards for the last week or so.  I find comfort in this fact... .mostly because I have been able to realize that many of the issues were not my fault (not that I'm perfect by any means) - even though I still struggle with this ~3 months after the b/u.  

     Like so many others, we recycled soo many times.  I literally lost count.  The RS lasted about 2 years.  2 years of ups and downs and... .I don't even know where to begin.  The history is pretty much the same as that of everyone else, so I won't even go into those details.  I would, however, like to discuss where I am now.

 

     I ended the relationship last December, once I realized what I was up against (BPD - not diagnosed, but no question in my mind, having done a lot of research on the topic).  I was so excited when I broke it off.  I was excited for my future and happy to be free.  Unfortunately, I work with her, so I have to see her just about every day.  This didn't  bother me too much at the beginning; just some general awkwardness for a few weeks.  However, it has bothered me a lot lately.  When I think about it, I find I do well when she leaves me alone and we only discuss work-related topics.  But lately, she has been trying to convince me to go have a beer with her and "talk about old times".  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!  There is simply no way.  I have zero desire to meet up with her for any reason.  But I get really angry that she asks.  Honestly, too angry.  It bothers me a lot and I can't quite figure out why.  For the last week I have been extremely anxious... .it's beginning to affect everything I do.  I can't quite seem to stop thinking about her and the relationship.  Naturally, companionship is one aspect I miss, but I find myself thinking even more about the events that occurred while in the RS.  I simply cannot make sense of any of it.  On a logical level, I know that there is not much sense to be made.  Maybe that's what bothers me the most.  I don't know.  

       Three months later and it's beginning to affect me again.  I am thinking it's about time to see a therapist.  :/ I refuse to let her have this power over me.  I am going to beat this.  The right way.

       Thanks for reading.  I needed to vent a bit.

[Getting_There]

Hello All,

    So... .my story is strikingly similar to so many others I have read while lurking these boards for the last week or so.  I find comfort in this fact... .mostly because I have been able to realize that many of the issues were not my fault (not that I'm perfect by any means) - even though I still struggle with this ~3 months after the b/u.  

     Like so many others, we recycled soo many times.  I literally lost count.  The RS lasted about 2 years.  2 years of ups and downs and... .I don't even know where to begin.  The history is pretty much the same as that of everyone else, so I won't even go into those details.  I would, however, like to discuss where I am now.

 

     I ended the relationship last December, once I realized what I was up against (BPD - not diagnosed, but no question in my mind, having done a lot of research on the topic).  I was so excited when I broke it off.  I was excited for my future and happy to be free.  Unfortunately, I work with her, so I have to see her just about every day.  This didn't  bother me too much at the beginning; just some general awkwardness for a few weeks.  However, it has bothered me a lot lately.  When I think about it, I find I do well when she leaves me alone and we only discuss work-related topics.  But lately, she has been trying to convince me to go have a beer with her and "talk about old times".  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!  There is simply no way.  I have zero desire to meet up with her for any reason.  But I get really angry that she asks.  Honestly, too angry.  It bothers me a lot and I can't quite figure out why.  For the last week I have been extremely anxious... .it's beginning to affect everything I do.  I can't quite seem to stop thinking about her and the relationship.  Naturally, companionship is one aspect I miss, but I find myself thinking even more about the events that occurred while in the RS.  I simply cannot make sense of any of it.  On a logical level, I know that there is not much sense to be made.  Maybe that's what bothers me the most.  I don't know.  

       Three months later and it's beginning to affect me again.  I am thinking it's about time to see a therapist.  :/ I refuse to let her have this power over me.  I am going to beat this.  The right way.

       Thanks for reading.  I needed to vent a bit.

[tjay933]

welcome. 

when you first bu, did you go through mourning/loss at all? if not or if it wasn't in depth, you may just now be starting the grieving over what you thought you might have had with her. for me it often involves remembering situation and events of the past or even just knowing, if you find something funny, there's no one there the look at and laugh(not that I could laugh at something without him getting offended but the same principle).

I would agree a T would be a good thing. also, the lessons on the side will help you to self-inquire about what is really going on inside and will no doubt lead you to new truths about yourself.

did you recycled a few times with her? if so, she may just be looking to recycle again and sees nothing different than the last time. you have to decide if that is what is best for you or what you want to do or not.

[Getting_There]

Hey tjay,

    Thanks for the reply.

    Honestly, I don't believe I went through the mourning stage as much as I should have.  Looking back, I felt like I was doing the right thing by getting out of a crummy situation.  This made me happy at the time, but there is more introspection to be done.  There is a lot that happened... .Lots of mind games... . I agree that I should reflect on these things quite a bit more.  

     It bothers me that I'm still bothered by this so long after the b/u... .But whatchya gonna do?

 

[tjay933]

it takes time but it does get easier/better the longer you are out.

[Getting_There]

I believe you.  However, I have updated my resume and am going to see about other employment opportunities.  I think it'd help a lot if I didn't have to interact with her on a daily basis.  She keeps pushing.  :/

[tjay933]

good choice. work on what is best for you and your healing.

[once removed]

i think its fairly simple. this person is pushing your boundaries and behaving inappropriately at work (inherently stressful). i did not notice you mention whether you are in any way her superior at work, which would make a difference in how to proceed. but there may be ways in which you can mitigate this.

of course, youre not just dealing with a problem coworker. as mentioned, you are feeling the effects of trauma. you are also not just frequently exposed to the source, but the source is digging up dormant/now active anger. it would make you mad to deal with an inappropriate coworker. it might make you obsess and dread a bit. an inappropriate coworker you suffered trauma as a result of is salt (fire?) in a pretty deep wound. obsession and rumination are also typical effects of trauma.

the answer is the same though regardless of BPD or trauma. you need to find a way to put a lid on this harrassment.

[Reecer1588]

to go have a beer with her and "talk about old times".

This is bait. I think you know that.

For the last week I have been extremely anxious... .it's beginning to affect everything I do.  I can't quite seem to stop thinking about her and the relationship

You're not the only one. I do the same thing. Nothing wrong with you.

I simply cannot make sense of any of it.  On a logical level, I know that there is not much sense to be made.  Maybe that's what bothers me the most.  I don't know. 

I am a very logical thinker. Understanding that there is so little logic to be had in my ex's behavior... .I can not reconcile this yet. It is exactly one of the main things that bothers me, too.

Three months later and it's beginning to affect me again.

I read a post from user 2010 that the brains' pathways begin to change around 80 days, so you're right around that time. So it's normal. Myself, I am coming up on two months NC with mine.


Good thread man. Hope to hear more from you,



Reece

[Getting_There]

Hello Again Everyone,

   Thanks to those who replied; it helps more than you know.   

   So she tried to screw me over at work.  Tried.   

   She is a project manager and I am an engineer, so while neither of us oversees the other, we are forced to work together quite a bit.  Anyway, she told a teammate of mine that I have not attended one of her conference calls in about a month.  Not true.  Even it were, she should be taking that up with me first - not with my teammates. 

    When I initially heard this news, I was pretty angry.  I thought about it some more, then suddenly remembered what I am up against.  I became very calm about this once I remembered I was dealing with a BPD individual.  I responded with a kindly worded email explaining that her facts seem a bit off, I hadn't in fact missed any meetings, etc.  I also mentioned how it is important for her to contact me directly in the event that she is not satisfied with my communication (or anything else for that matter).  I told her I look forward to working with her (not exactly accurate, but wanted to maintain the pleasant mood of the email).  I CC'd my teammate.  I also mentioned that this issue should be considered resolved and that I will be meeting with my exSOwBPD so that we can get on the same page.  I also asked that my teammate contact me should he receive any criticism of which I may not be aware.

      I followed up with her this morning to ensure that she had seen the email.  She replied that she had.  I asked if she had any issues with it.  She said she did not, she doesn't agree with it.  "You do what you feel is right", she says.  "I hope you can get over your hate for me and realize I am not out to get you", she says.  I don't hate her, have never said I hated her.  I merely told her I do not care to communicate with her in a non-work-related context.  Since I have made this request, she has asked me COUNTLESS times:  "are you sure you don't want to be friends?", "are you sure you never want to talk to me again?", "are you sure you're OK with never talking to me again?".  Yes, I am sure. Made the decision last December and have done a pretty damn good job of sticking to it. 

       Best part of the recent work-related drama:  she sends an IM about an hour later, telling me there is an issue with one of our customers.  She goes on to tell me that it has nothing to do with my particular department - she just wanted to talk about it.  I told her that I'm not really worried about it, seeing as I can't do anything to resolve said issue.  She again says she was just trying to talk to me.  I pleasantly requests that she contacts me if there is an issue which involves my department. 

        I did not know about BPD until just recently, but this interaction has me feeling completely validated.  Part of me is afraid of how she may retaliate, but I will be documenting all of my participation in meetings going forward.  She might be able to tell people I'm an ass or whatever, but I'm not about to let her ___ with my professional life.

        Score one for the non. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Getting There, Welcome to the Club!  Seriously, getting over a b/u with a pwBPD is extremely hard, because the r/s is like an addiction that we continue to pursue even when we know it's bad for us.  You are probably experiencing normal withdrawal symptoms, which will abate.  Glad you were able to draw the line at work.  That's a good sign!  LuckyJim