Breaking things and yelling. Am I supposed to put up with it?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys... .now that I have a minute to write this post I'll bring up something that happens too often in my house.

My uBPDh breaks things pretty often. I told him in a few occasions that his reactions have a negative effect on me (this is because it's not only him breaking things, he also yells a lot).

Sometimes the rage is not directed towards me, but I notice he mainly breaks things when I'm in the same room. Like when I'm not in his presence he'd yell -probably to get my attention- but when I'm in the room he'll break things. It could be anything from smashing a pot against the counter because his food burned, to throwing electronics across the room.

It has a profoundly negative effect on me! It stresses me and makes me anxious.

It's been so long since I've been living with this man and his set of behaviors that I don't even know what normal is anymore.

I tried in the past to tell him that the breaking and yelling have a very bad effect on me (and probably on my daughter as well), but he counters the argument by telling me that he can't express his feelings. He blames me for not being able to express his feelings. So this yelling and breaking things is him expressing himself.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, he's mentally/emotionally abusive and seldom physically abusive towards me.

I know I'm never going to be able to change him, after all, it's been 6+ years. What I want to know is if you guys consider these actions to be abusive; even though, according to him, the rage is not directed towards me.

[lena7]

Hey guys... .now that I have a minute to write this post I'll bring up something that happens too often in my house.

My uBPDh breaks things pretty often. I told him in a few occasions that his reactions have a negative effect on me (this is because it's not only him breaking things, he also yells a lot).

Sometimes the rage is not directed towards me, but I notice he mainly breaks things when I'm in the same room. Like when I'm not in his presence he'd yell -probably to get my attention- but when I'm in the room he'll break things. It could be anything from smashing a pot against the counter because his food burned, to throwing electronics across the room.

It has a profoundly negative effect on me! It stresses me and makes me anxious.

It's been so long since I've been living with this man and his set of behaviors that I don't even know what normal is anymore.

I tried in the past to tell him that the breaking and yelling have a very bad effect on me (and probably on my daughter as well), but he counters the argument by telling me that he can't express his feelings. He blames me for not being able to express his feelings. So this yelling and breaking things is him expressing himself.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, he's mentally/emotionally abusive and seldom physically abusive towards me.

I know I'm never going to be able to change him, after all, it's been 6+ years. What I want to know is if you guys consider these actions to be abusive; even though, according to him, the rage is not directed towards me.

[Luckyfella]

His actions are definitely abusive. He is trying to intimidate you. He does it to get a reaction from you and like you said he only does it when you are in the same room.

My ex uBPDw first started by breaking things, then throwing things at me, and last by being physical (scratching and punching). When I tried to make her leave the house or when I try to leave, the rage/abuse gets worst (fear of abandonment) so be careful.

Just ask yourself this, would you take this rage from any of your friends or roommates?

[downwhim]

So sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is emotional and then at times you say physical abuse. You probably have high anxiety and may have PTSD like I did. I never realized what emotional abuse was until I contacted a 1-800 abuse line and told her my story.

When you in the thick of it it is hard to see. Your being intimidated and of course it is ALL YOUR FAULT. The abuser never admits he has the problem. Please get yourself individual therapy. You need a professional to talk to about what you are experiencing.

You didn't mention children. Are there any and are they witnessing this?

[lena7]

We have a D6. He's good to her, so that gives me some relief. Although, she witnesses some of the rages. I also talk to him about this, but to no avail. He really thinks he's entitled to behave like this, because -according to him- that's how he expresses his feelings.

downwhim, I definitely have PTSD and high anxiety. When I bring up the fact that I also should be seeing a therapist, it triggers him.

The truth is that I don't want to be in this relationship. I know I have to leave. I care about him, but I don't love him. I'm planning my time to leave, but it gets complicated because we have a child.

Luckyfella, I would never tolerate this behavior from any other person. I would just stay as far away from anybody who would show me such hostility. And that's the thing that depresses me: throughout my life, nobody ever treated me as bad as he did. In fact, I've never been in a hostile situation with another human being until I met my H.

Thank you both for responding. Your words encourage me 

[downwhim]

There are womans shelters. Your D6 knows and sees more than you realize. He does not need to know about a therapist or help you are getting. Make your plan and get out. Call an abuse hotline and get in with shelters and help available in your area.

There is no need to live in fear.

[JPH]

No.

[ThanksForPlaying]

My uBPDgf rages and breaks things.  She will start slowly if we're having an argument ... .like very slowly tip over a lamp, or drop a glass on the floor, while remaining calm.  If I continue to disagree with her, she'll escalate the situation.  Every 6 months or so she'll break tvs, expensive furniture, scorched earth.  Then a couple months later if I bring up the raging, she'll say "I've changed, stop bringing up the past."  My fault for allowing it to continue.  Working to get out now.

[wishfulthinking]

Mine started that way and increased to where he's smacked me a few times, the police have been called and he's been charged and convicted of domestic violence.  I stupidly took him back and I'm definitely NOT happier for doing so.  I'm waiting currently on my lawyer to get back with me on the finalization of my divorce paperwork and removal from the home papers for him.  I have to "play the game" until that happens.

My daughter is not his, but she is affected after only a year and half of his BPD BS.  She's seen more than I ever wanted her to see and for that I feel horrible.  I've really put her through a lot and I hope one day she can absolutely forgive me.  I'm taking the steps now to make things right.    

Don't let him continue this behavior, it will get worse and he will push the boundaries even further.  One day it'll be a shove, a grab... .then comes a push hard enough to make you fall, then cornering you and bruising your arms from holding you there... .then a pop in the mouth for saying something they don't like... .then a full smack for standing up for yourself.  He needs help or you need to plan to get away.  I read something on here once doing a search one time... .don't remember who said it, so I apologize for not giving due credit but... .

"In 10 years will I be able to look at my child and honestly tell them I did the best I could for them?"

If I don't leave now, my answer is NO.

[clydegriffith]

Don't put up with it. Breaking things will eventually turn into physical abuse if that's not already the case.

The BPDx began her physical abuse (after a period of only emotional abuse) by shoving and throwing things in my direction. It wasn't long before she was attempting haymakers.

[Lucky Jim]

His actions are definitely abusive. He is trying to intimidate you. He does it to get a reaction from you and like you said he only does it when you are in the same room.

Hey lena7, Concur w/luckyfella.  Definitely abusive.  My BPDxW did the same thing.  She raged and broke things; punched a hole in the wall; dumped a gallon of water on my head while I was sleeping; threw all my business clothes on the lawn; smashed pictures; etc.

Like you, lena, I had never been in a hostile r/s before marriage to my Ex, so I was unprepared for the abuse.  I lacked good boundaries and had no experience with a belligerent SO.

I suggest you reach out to others: friends, family, therapist and this Board.  Talk about what is happening.  Abusive people thrive on silence, in my view, and will try to prevent you from revealing their true nature.  It's important to keep things in perspective with reality checks, so make sure you don't isolate.

LuckyJim

[ThanksForPlaying]

Like you, lena, I had never been in a hostile r/s before marriage to my Ex, so I was unprepared for the abuse.  I lacked good boundaries and had no experience with a belligerent SO.

For a while she would tell me "everyone fights" and I almost started to believe everyone had the same issues I did.  Violence and destruction were normal, it's just that everyone keeps them internalized.  Not true, although I still question that sometimes.

Best to find some good friends who can tell you if what you're experiencing is "normal" or not.  Sort of like this board    although I also like to have a support group outside of this board, for the times when I start to question if people on this board are too obsessed with BPD (they aren't).

Does that make sense?

[zeus123]

lena7.

go buy new NIKE running shoes and run away faster than carl lewis! really...