NPD (?) SIL is getting worse

[Cat21]

I mostly post on the "Staying" board, as my husband is uBPD, but lately, his sister has been getting worse and I'm trying to work through just how involved I should be, etc. Here is a very brief background:

My uBPDh's older sister has never been diagnosed with a personality disorder, but based on her behavior (and even my therapist says this), I think it's likely that she's a narcissist to some degree. She is the center of her family- both my H and his parents abide by her rules and do as she says; it's been that way for years. Only after my H and I got married did things start slowly changing for him- he has finally realized that her behavior is unacceptable and has started to separate (albeit it VERY slowly) from her control over him. Even so, she is able to manipulate my husband like no other and thinks only of herself in the process- this is something that is easy for him to spot, but difficult for him to prevent. We've had many talks over the fact that he can control her, but he can't control his reactions. As I get to know more about her and am exposed to more of the family dynamic (it's usually hidden from the 'public' eye), I am convinced that my H's issues are directly related to his relationship with her- he mimics what's been shown his entire life.

Now to the current issue:

I am 5.5 months pregnant with my first child, and since finding out about our pregnancy, my SIL has become (even) more critical of my H and I. It seems like every week there is a new issue- always trivial and never about her in the least. These criticisms lead to explosive arguments between her and my H, which then puts him in a foul mood and contributes to him drinking more than he should. The latest drama was over the baby shower- she convinced herself that we uninvited her (that didn't happen) because there was a scheduling conflict that weekend, and that spiraled her out of control. She accused me of being selfish and unappreciative, spoke badly about my family, and in general, was totally spun out of control. My H defended me to the hills, but her only response was "why do you always take her side? She's your wife- I'M your SISTER!" (It should be noted that she is never rude to my face- she talks about me behind my back, but treats me with fake kindness to my face.)

I am leaving out a lot of details because there's just too much to type, but ultimately, I guess I want to know how I can better help my husband understand just how toxic she is to everyone. He sees it in the moment, but the next day after a dysregulation (hers), he acts like nothing happened and just sums it up with "Well, that's just the way she is". I've expressed my concern over her destructive behavior many times, and tried teaching him some boundary enforcement tools, etc. But, I'm not a therapist; he listens to me in the moment, but again- when the smoke clears, goes back to normal and places her right back on her pedestal.

I fear this behavior is going to get MUCH worse when the baby is born. That is clearly not something my H or I have the capacity to deal with, but I'm worried he will get tangled up in her web, which will lead to more discord and friction at a time when things are supposed to be exciting and new. My wish is for he and his family to change how THEY react to her (and that means following through with boundaries) so that that we can all lead more peaceful lives. At this point, I'm not sure if that's possible.

Thoughts?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Cat21

Firstly congratulations on your bambio to be. Secondly, this does sound like narsistic behavior.

My older bro is NPD and mom BPD. It's amazing the link they have. His behavior is appauling and she backs him up. So I'm guessing it's hard for your hubby.

Your concern about her becomeing worse, I'm afraid does fit the PD theory. She won't want you steeling her thunder, there could be jellousy etc... .However, can you not use the excuse

that your baby needs a relaxing setting ? Heck if it was me, I'd invent complications, that created boundaries, even Hitler would struggle to cross. Best of luck, pease be with you.  

[Cat21]

Thanks, HappyChappy. I'm sure it's hard for my H, no doubt. I have told my H that if she comes to our house and criticizes ANYthing about raising our child, I will not hesitate to ask her to leave. He may be controlled by her, but I am not. I hope it doesn't come to that- I don't want drama. However, I've reached my limit and I hate to think about the possible damage she'll do in the future.