Tough time recovering from BPDex

[Tay25]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading a lot about BPD on this forum and have been making a lot of progress with my understanding of what happened and have been learning much about myself. I want to share my story to see if anyone has dealt with something similar or can relate. First off I want to say that I am a 21 year old and this was my first serious relationship. My uBPDexgf and I went out for 1.5 years and it’s been 2 months since I was discarded. Sorry for writing such a long post, I just really want to be heard and need support.

I met her at work, she found me cute and enjoyed my humour. She quickly began to stalk me, she would come into work and walk around trying to get my attention or spark conversation. One night after work I was getting gas for my car and she called her mom and said she had a ride then ran to the gas station so that I would see her walking by and offer her a ride home (quite a scheme I must say). Being the rescuer type I am, she easily dragged me in by telling me that her friends don’t care about her and talking about how bad her last boyfriend treated her (typical victim persona).

Our first date I brought her to a party my friend was having, I talked for about 4 hours and she said basically nothing. This should have been my first red flag and I realize know she was reading me like a book to figure out how she could draw me in. Our second date she pretty much seduced me into having sex and since then almost every 2nd time I saw her we had sex. I think this was the main thing she used to gain control of me and keep me around to suffer her abuse.

We continued to see each other once or twice a week. The first 6 months I was extremely reluctant to get attached, I felt like it was too good to be true (with a BPD it always is) so I tried not to get attached so that I wouldn’t get hurt. I would try to keep her at a distance and try as hard as I could to not seem needy even though I was. I would wait a few hours to respond to her texts so that it wouldn’t give away how dependent I truly am. I feel that doing this was the only reason our relationship lasted as long as it did.

After 6 months she started talking about how all her friends think I’m cheating and that she cares more about me than I do her (classic BPD guilt tripping me to get me in her clutches) after this I started texting her a lot, buying her gifts, taking her out on a lot of dates but the cycles started right when she got me on the hook. She told me she doesn’t want to talk about her problems because she cries and I told her I want to hear about them and that I’m here for her. She then started twisting reality talking about how I said I hated her hair (when I was just surprised because she told me she was going to do something different). I then told her that she is just trying to make me feel bad and that I never said that, she then told me I was being defensive and began to stonewall me. I told her she needs to stop doing this as it’s not fair to me if she is unwilling to communicate in which she told me she tried to talk about her problems but I got defensive so every time after this when I would try to defend myself against her manipulation tactics/mind games she would tell me I’m getting defensive to make me feel bad and give in.

After this we started having a lot of fights all fueled by her need for drama/excitement, the cycles started to kick in. We would be fine for 2 or 3 weeks then she would bring up any reason she could think of to get mad at me then rage and say I keep hurting her, telling me that I have to change. I always agreed as I was in the FOG and thought it truly was my inconsiderate actions that were causing our relationship problems.

I think she was the quiet type because of the stonewalling, and emotional blackmail. If we had an issue I wanted to work it out ASAP as I had school exams and other things I needed to focus on but she would make excuses and then not be able to talk for 4 or 5 days.  

It ended when she started devaluing me, I told her I did not like her friends (one was really mean, kind of narcissistic like - thinking that she’s better than everyone else and the other was over dramatic, ecstatic about everything and screaming all the time, also very selfish) and she resented me for this, I told her I would hang out with them if she wanted me to but I don’t like them. After this she started messaging other guys, kind of dragging me along like a little toy, using me when she wanted to for sex, ego boost and to fuel her need for attention. I could tell exactly when this started happening because for the first few months we were dating she would text me long sentences with lots of emoticons but now every time it was like she couldn’t care less texting only 1 sentence. The worst part of all this was the walking on eggshells, I would walk around for days trying to understand why she was treating me this way, what I can do change this and constantly watching what I say and do around her.

The breaking point was when I confronted her and told her I’m tired of this s*** and I want a serious relationship. She then perfectly triangulated me to get me terminated. She told me she resents me for never apologizing to her friend (I unintentionally said something mean to her, which I told my uBPDexgf that I regret and want to apologize, but in person) since I never saw her friend, I never had the chance to apologize. Feeling a lot of guilt and wanting to fix this I messaged her friend on Facebook with a long sincere apology and her friend said “f*** you” because my uBPDexgf told her that we had talked about it on the phone so her friend thought it wasn’t sincere and that my ex made me do it. After this happened we met to talk and this is when the true side of her came out, she took out everything she could from her bag of tricks and threw it at me. She said the following while bursting in anger “I’m tired of being your parent”, “I can’t lose my friends” (fear of abandonment?) and when I told her I could change “I’ve heard this all before”, then “I can’t do this anymore” she even blamed me of doing something that she did and I quickly shot back reality and this pissed her off but the final ending word was “You know what’s funny, I went through this exact same thing 3 years ago”

LOL, what does that tell you? Maybe that’s because of YOU not everyone else! Anyways I feel everything she said at the end was her projecting her negative thoughts of herself onto me and trying to blame me for everything that went wrong because she can’t take responsibility for anything on her part (as with all BPD’s).

The very last thing I got from her was a note she left me when I was picking up my stuff at her apartment (I contacted her roommate to get my things when my ex wasn't there), in all caps she wrote:

Very mature going through my friend, don't text her again! I think she may have been mad that i didn't go crawling back to her, craving that attention she so desperately needs.

These are some major red flags I missed throughout this whole thing that I now see that I am out of the FOG:

1) When we first met she wouldn’t tell me anything about herself like what music, movies, etc that she liked. She would say idk for everything I said and I think this is because she wanted to mirror whatever I liked to get me hooked or she has absolutely no unique identify of herself.

2) She told me that on her prom night everything went to s*** because she was jealous of a friend who was with a guy she had liked so she told the guy that her friend didn’t like him and started drama.

3) She would always self-aggrandize herself to me. She would constantly tell me about guys grabbing her ___ at the club, trying to kiss her and hitting on her at work.

4) She would tell me she doesn’t like something or criticize something then do that exact thing with her friends.

5) One night her and her best friend went out to the club for her friend’s birthday. Her friend got kicked out before she made it in because she was too drunk so my uBPDexgf went out to see her and her friend started hitting her and screaming etc. When she told me about it I said that is ridiculous and real friends don’t treat friends like that no matter how drunk they are. My uBPDexgf had absolutely nothing to say as she shrugged off my comment.

I understand now that I have my own issues to deal with due to the fact that my father has always been an alcoholic, I’ve never thought about how much it has affected me up until now. I feel like I was never good enough for him to stop and realize that his children are more important. He would always put his needs before mine and my mother would as well. I believe this is the main reason why I let myself get stuck in this abusive relationship.

Thanks to all who read my story, if anyone is an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) and has advice on healing or any tips on getting over this relationship please don’t hesitate to reply. In a way I thank my uBPDexgf for opening my eyes to see that I have my own issues and I am now doing everything I can to fix them so that someday I can have a healthy relationship with someone.

Thanks,

[Mike-X]

Thanks for sharing your story, and welcome to the boards. 

I also feel that I learned a lot about myself through my relationship.

[draptemp]

Tay25, welcome to the BPD family. You will find an understanding group and its because we all have experienced the same or similar circumstances.

You are beginning on the right road by realizing that the one person you can do anything about is yourself. All the elements you state are so typical and the pain you feel is real. Stay on track of caring for yourself. Remember the "3C's" your didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTOL it and you can't CURE it.

My dBPDso has been silent and isolated me and punished me for the last 5 weeks. So I understand the pain, guilt and bewilderment. I hope we can encourage you and support you

[Mutt]

Hi Tay25,



I'm sorry to hear that and sorry to hear about your parents.

She said the following while bursting in anger “I’m tired of being your parent”, “I can’t lose my friends” (fear of abandonment?)

It sounds like projection, often a pwBPD want others to take care of their needs and have problems understanding boundaries.

You mention your dad paid more attention to his kids? Were you a step child?

You're a young man. Good to hear your working on this.

Do you hear from your ex?

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi Tay25,

Welcome to bpdfamily. A lot of us have similar experiences. I also suspect mine was the quiet type. It seemed similar to some of the things you talked about. Mine definitely appealed to my sympathetic side. She was good at playing the "poor me" game, but didn't like it when you actually did feel bad for her or show sympathy. I believed it when she said all of her past boyfriends and husbands (yes... .husbands!) were abusive to her. There were definitely red flags I ignored, because I wanted to be the good guy who worked it out. It really doesn't matter what you say or do in most of these relationships. They will fall in love quickly and run away maybe even faster. It's been about 5 years for me, and she devalued me just a few days after our wedding shower. Luckily we didn't get married. I sort of do wish I had the last 5 years back. Now I count it as a very valuable lesson, and at least it's much easier for me to change my life. Wish you all the best in your journey!

[Tay25]

Thank you everyone for your welcomes and inputs.

You are beginning on the right road by realizing that the one person you can do anything about is yourself. All the elements you state are so typical and the pain you feel is real. Stay on track of caring for yourself. Remember the "3C's" you didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it.

My dBPDso has been silent and isolated me and punished me for the last 5 weeks. So I understand the pain, guilt and bewilderment. I hope we can encourage you and support you.

Thank you draptemp for your words of encouragement, the 3 C's will definitely help me on my journey of healing. Something I found to also help is knowing that I cannot change what happened but I can accept that its my responsibility to help myself now.  

Sorry to hear about your situation, nonetheless good to know that others are experiencing the same. You are a strong person and I thank you for your support.

It sounds like projection, often a pwBPD want others to take care of their needs and have problems understanding boundaries.

I know what you mean, really she was too dependent on me for meeting her needs so instead of owning up to it, she flips it around onto me.

You mention your dad paid more attention to his kids? Were you a step child?

No he was my real dad, I was just referring to him in 3rd person because I've cut him out of my life, as my relationship with him is unhealthy. He was a functional alcoholic when I was young and has lost everything in his life to continue drinking, he only contacts me when he needs money. I have realized a young man like myself does not need this bull**** in my life so I got rid of it.

You're a young man. Good to hear your working on this.

Yes I am thankful that I am able to grasp all this while I am still young, the path to healing will be difficult but worth it. I truly empathize for all those who have had to deal with a BPD person for most of their lives, you are the toughest people I know!

Do you hear from your ex?

No way, the last conversation we had she was so emotionally discharged that she burst out everything that had built up over our relationship. She painted me black and verbally assaulted me saying the meanest possible things

she could think of. The last contact I had with her:

The very last thing I got from her was a note she left me when I was picking up my stuff at her apartment (I contacted her roommate to get my things when my ex wasn't there), in all caps she wrote:

Very mature going through my friend, don't text her again!

I think she may have been mad that I didn't go crawling back to her, craving that attention she so desperately needs.

I had seen a lot of her posts on Facebook and Instagram, posting selfies every 2nd day. Seems she is craving that narcissistic supply she no longer has and attention she no longer gets. I realized this was unhealthy so I deleted her on both. Trying to get her out of my head so I can focus on myself.

Welcome to bpdfamily. A lot of us have similar experiences. I also suspect mine was the quiet type. It seemed similar to some of the things you talked about. Mine definitely appealed to my sympathetic side. She was good at playing the "poor me" game, but didn't like it when you actually did feel bad for her or show sympathy. I believed it when she said all of her past boyfriends and husbands (yes... .husbands!) were abusive to her. There were definitely red flags I ignored, because I wanted to be the good guy who worked it out. It really doesn't matter what you say or do in most of these relationships. They will fall in love quickly and run away maybe even faster. It's been about 5 years for me, and she devalued me just a few days after our wedding shower. Luckily we didn't get married. I sort of do wish I had the last 5 years back. Now I count it as a very valuable lesson, and at least it's much easier for me to change my life. Wish you all the best in your journey!

So sorry to hear you went through that. I am happy to hear that you are now taking in charge of your life! Just imagine where you would be now if you had still been stuck in that mess with her and married. I know now that it wasn't me and this is just how relationships work with a BPD, she will always idealize, devalue, discard, repeat. The hardest thing for me to overcome is that because she was the quite type, no one knows who she truly is behind closed doors. On the surface she appears to be the sweet innocent girl but once you spend time with her you being to see the hunger for drama and control. I think many of us who get in relationships with a BPD were raised by our parents to be rescuers or fixers, making us feel that we are responsible for others needs and others feelings. We need to realize this is unhealthy and we should be putting more attention and energy on ourselves.