I think I just got dumped by a boyfriend with BPD. Looking for support.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex has cut off all contact with me both on social media and in person, but like I said, we share a social circle.

I understand that I might get "painted white" again, though, for no particular reason, even without seeing him again.  Is this true?  How does this happen?

And if that does happen, what happens to all of his supposedly great reasons for ending the relationship?  Is he likely to explain them or make excuses or just ignore them?

Will I get re-idealized?

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex has cut off all contact with me both on social media and in person, but like I said, we share a social circle.

I understand that I might get "painted white" again, though, for no particular reason, even without seeing him again.  Is this true?  How does this happen?

And if that does happen, what happens to all of his supposedly great reasons for ending the relationship?  Is he likely to explain them or make excuses or just ignore them?

Will I get re-idealized?

[Learning_curve74]

GEM, you're asking questions to where the answers are mostly maybe. A person with BPD is very immature emotionally, perhaps on the the level of about a two to four year old. When you refuse to buy them the latest toy they've seen, you're the devil until it's lunchtime because you're the source of all good food. 

Nobody can predict how and why he'll paint you white. I thought you were angry at him, so in an analogous manner, how and why would you change your mind and take him back? Also the way he dumped you, how would you explain to yourself why you would take him back?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have felt about every emotion in the book toward this guy since he left me (eight days ago).  Even more so since I found out it's probably BPD.   He is following the BPD script like clockwork, too, which is fascinating to me.

I am asking these questions precisely because I know I have a weakness for this guy, so I need to be ready if/when he does come back.  I am writing my game plan.  I am trying to figure out what it is realistic to expect from him.   I will probably end up at least having to try to be friends with him, and possibly with my replacement, so I have to understand what I'm dealing with.

The other reason I'm asking these questions is just sheer bewilderment.  I had never really read about BPD until a few days ago, and being so affected by it so quickly has my head spinning.  I keep saying, "That explains a lot," but like I said, I am really most bewildered by how he will justify (or not) taking me back, or ignore the past, or something like that.  I process things very verbally/intellectually so for me, knowing some of these things is helping me get through it.  I am grateful for all the information everyone has shared.

I was actually happy at first when I believed that painting black might be permanent, because at least then I could move on in the hopes that I wouldn't see him again and I could work on coping with being hated.  The more I learn, the more I realize that I am unlikely to even find closure this way, so I am working on building my own closure, no matter what he does.

The really annoying thing, like I said, is that I actually do like him as a person.

When we were on vacation together, he said something really nasty and dismissive to me out of stress.  Hours later when I tried to talk to him about it, he didn't remember saying and denied that he had said it at all.  I think that he has some serious dissociative tendencies, so I imagine I could get anything in the future.

[Learning_curve74]

Good for you for trying to understand as well as prepping a "game plan". Remember to prep yourself for surprises as well. Things can easily go off track when real life deviates from the plan.

Memory is a very fluid and changing thing even in people who are not mentally ill. Each time we remember something it's actually our memory of the last time we remembered it. If you've ever played the childhood game "telephone" -- kids sit in a circle and one kid whispers a message into the next kid's ear, that kid whispers it to the next kid, and so on until it returns totally mutated to the original kid -- then you can realize how easily the memory can change.

People also have the need to deny those things that may conflict with their sense of self and what they're feeling. If I feel I'm a nice person, then I won't say that I cut another driver off, it was the other driver who wouldn't give me space to change lanes.

How do you think you'll react if he wants to get back together? What if he's with somebody else?

[GreenEyedMonster]

How do you think you'll react if he wants to get back together? What if he's with somebody else?

I guess this is the million dollar question.  If I'm totally honest with myself right at this moment, I do not know.  I am trying to get to that place before I see him again.

You mean if he's with somebody else at the same time he wants to get back together with me?  Well, that does throw a wrench into things.  Sheesh, what a mess.

To be honest, I'd be shocked if he found someone else so quickly.  He tends to go on a lot of dates but not form relationships for whatever reason.  He is a bit of an odd one from the word "go" and isn't to many women's tastes, not to mention the fact that he completely lacks any sort of pick up skills or first date etiquette.  (I paid for my own coffee on our first several dates.)   He had a bit of a Goldilocks complex about women, in that his BPD preference for someone with a "just right" amount of interest in him determines who he will see again.  If anyone appears to be engulfing or abandoning him right away, they're history.  He is more likely to be spinning his wheels and alone.

Right now I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that he might come back at all.  For any "normal" person, they'd know that they had burned every single bridge.  But like I said, I think in his mind he sees me at fault for everything, so maybe he'd just think he was a great guy for taking back such a pathetic person.  I really don't know.  This felt like a totally permanent falling out to me, complete with a forever goodbye (with a PS that he'd see me again).  

Based on what people here have been telling me, the last event in the relationship (in our case, the fight) is what defines it.  So how could I get painted white if that's still the last event?  Memory?  Reflection?  Total random caprice?

[Mutt]

We can't control being split white or black.

The pwBPD doesn't have control with splitting.

It happens on its own.

[Learning_curve74]

How do you think you'll react if he wants to get back together? What if he's with somebody else?

I guess this is the million dollar question.  If I'm totally honest with myself right at this moment, I do not know.  I am trying to get to that place before I see him again.

You mean if he's with somebody else at the same time he wants to get back together with me?  Well, that does throw a wrench into things.  Sheesh, what a mess.

It's OK not to know, that's life... .And even if you make a decision, it's your right to change your mind.  Relationships are complicated, even more so when you throw mental illness into the mix!

Re: splitting, it's like Mutt said. That's why it's part of a mental illness. Schizophrenics that talk crazy to themselves show their illness on the outside. BPDers have a lot hidden on the inside. And if they could control it, they wouldn't be ill.

One of the best things about this community is the amount of collective knowledge. Yet it's like the weather, meteorologists have all these sophisticated computers and scientific models, yet they still manage to get it wrong half the time.

Keep exploring, keep asking questions both about the illness and to yourself about what you want. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I am torn between the two things I know about him right now --

1) He says he'd rather be alone than be in a "bad" relationship -- I assume this means one that is engulfing or comes with a risk of abandonment.  He is extremely risk-averse in this regard, and rarely makes it past a first date.  (Then again, he said this in the most comfortable stretch of our relationship, so being alone wasn't feeling threatening at that moment.)

2) I am the only person on earth who has come close to providing a "good" relationship for him.  I mean, heck, he even got tempted to recycle the girl he thought might kill him, so certainly I'd be a candidate.

Part of me thinks he's so fussy that he will never take me back now that I am flawed.  The other part of me thinks his desperate loneliness will creep up on him and he'll remember what were probably the most amazing four months of his life, possibly forgetting the two days I was clingy.  I don't have enough understanding of his illness, however, to make even an educated guess at this, and that's just leaving me feeling disoriented.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Another random thing I remembered.

He hated his ex with a fiery passion.  But if I dared criticize her . . . he would defend her.

Incidentally, his take on his relationship with her was that she "discarded" him, but from what he said, he's the one who backed out of the relationship first.

[shatra]

Green Eyed wrote

This felt like a totally permanent falling out to me, complete with a forever goodbye (with a PS that he'd see me again). 

---Can you share details? Why does it seem like a permanent one? What was the "forever goodbye"?

Shatra

[GreenEyedMonster]

Green Eyed wrote

This felt like a totally permanent falling out to me, complete with a forever goodbye (with a PS that he'd see me again).  

---Can you share details? Why does it seem like a permanent one? What was the "forever goodbye"?

Shatra

I should say that I have no idea what a "forever goodbye" from a BPD person looks like.

Basically, he lost all romantic feeling -- and empathy I might add -- for me in a matter of about ten minutes.  He sent me a goodbye letter in the middle of the night telling me that I was "sweet and attractive" but that I needed mental health help.  He ended it by literally saying goodbye to me.  Then he proceeded to block me on every single bit of social media we ever interacted on, and induced the one mutual friend I talked to to do the same.  (The mutual friend heard my side of the story first, promised that he believed me, and then was taken over to the dark side by the smear campaign.)  He was going to have dinner with me and a group of friends on the 15th -- proof in my mind that he really feels absolutely nothing for me, because who can just face their ex like that two weeks after a breakup? -- but after I contacted the mutual friend he dropped out of that too.  I don't see any way back from this.

My interpretation of this is that he didn't like being responsible for my feelings.  It made him feel engulfed.  So rather than responding to me empathetically and being there for me as a friend even though he didn't want to date me, he distanced himself from me so much that he doesn't have to feel anything at all about me.  The instant I asked something from him, it was basically a giant, "You and your feelings are not my problem."

[SGraham]

I'm reading like crazy.  (And just woke up from nightmares about the breakup.  One where I went through every cell phone I had, trying to call him, trying anything to get a hold of him . . . and he wouldn't answer . . .)

The frequency and intensity of the nightmares me ex caused me is really unreal.

[SGraham]

Green Eyed wrote

This felt like a totally permanent falling out to me, complete with a forever goodbye (with a PS that he'd see me again).  

---Can you share details? Why does it seem like a permanent one? What was the "forever goodbye"?

Shatra

I should say that I have no idea what a "forever goodbye" from a BPD person looks like.

Basically, he lost all romantic feeling -- and empathy I might add -- for me in a matter of about ten minutes.  He sent me a goodbye letter in the middle of the night telling me that I was "sweet and attractive" but that I needed mental health help.  He ended it by literally saying goodbye to me.  Then he proceeded to block me on every single bit of social media we ever interacted on, and induced the one mutual friend I talked to to do the same.  (The mutual friend heard my side of the story first, promised that he believed me, and then was taken over to the dark side by the smear campaign.)  He was going to have dinner with me and a group of friends on the 15th -- proof in my mind that he really feels absolutely nothing for me, because who can just face their ex like that two weeks after a breakup? -- but after I contacted the mutual friend he dropped out of that too.  I don't see any way back from this.

My interpretation of this is that he didn't like being responsible for my feelings.  It made him feel engulfed.  So rather than responding to me empathetically and being there for me as a friend even though he didn't want to date me, he distanced himself from me so much that he doesn't have to feel anything at all about me.  The instant I asked something from him, it was basically a giant, "You and your feelings are not my problem."

I think that is probably the hardest part for nons, well at least for me, is the sometimes utter lack of a final goodbye. From my experience and what others have said on this forum, it seems like most goodbyes are ambiguous at best.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think that is probably the hardest part for nons, well at least for me, is the sometimes utter lack of a final goodbye. From my experience and what others have said on this forum, it seems like most goodbyes are ambiguous at best.

This is the part I'm really struggling with right now.  Do you mean that they're ambiguous in terms of the person coming back and regretting it later?  I am worried that this will happen when I'm at a particularly vulnerable point in life and I will make a bad choice.  It's all too easy for this guy to know where I am and show up when he starts feeling lonely and purposeless.

[SGraham]

I think that is probably the hardest part for nons, well at least for me, is the sometimes utter lack of a final goodbye. From my experience and what others have said on this forum, it seems like most goodbyes are ambiguous at best.

This is the part I'm really struggling with right now.  Do you mean that they're ambiguous in terms of the person coming back and regretting it later?  I am worried that this will happen when I'm at a particularly vulnerable point in life and I will make a bad choice.  It's all too easy for this guy to know where I am and show up when he starts feeling lonely and purposeless.

I mean its ambiguous as to the nature of the goodbye. normal relationships usually end with a clear: this is why things are over and this is how much contact we might have later, whereas BPD relationships are usually both unclear as to why things ended and if they will try to connect later. The best thing is to not let that ambiguity lull you into a state where you think "well maybe we can get back together and it will be ok?". Id say just do what youve been doing, regain your strength so that if he does try to contact you, you will be able to stand your ground.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Shockingly, he did give me a reason that the relationship ended (because of my alleged mental illness, which he claimed he could not handle) and it seems pretty unambiguous that he doesn't want to get back together, ever.  It also seems like he instantly assumed we could be friends, because within hours, he was signing up to go to events with me. 

But in truth, all of this came about two days after he cut me off with the silent treatment while he was on vacation.  I think he knew that if he didn't give me some kind of explanation, he couldn't come to events with our friends anymore.  So he did it on IM in the middle of the night and then cut me off.

[SGraham]

Shockingly, he did give me a reason that the relationship ended (because of my alleged mental illness, which he claimed he could not handle) and it seems pretty unambiguous that he doesn't want to get back together, ever.  It also seems like he instantly assumed we could be friends, because within hours, he was signing up to go to events with me. 

But in truth, all of this came about two days after he cut me off with the silent treatment while he was on vacation.  I think he knew that if he didn't give me some kind of explanation, he couldn't come to events with our friends anymore.  So he did it on IM in the middle of the night and then cut me off.

Hmm that is interesting that he gave you such a concrete reason. The second bit however seems pretty typical though. I don't know about you but i have always felt the way pw BPD end relationships is kinda chicken sht. The last time i saw my ex in person was really terrible because we were at a music fest and she just walked away with friends when i went to the restroom. I kinda figured that was the end but i didnt even get answers from her until weeks later over text. Sorry for that tangent, anyway i guess long story short i know how you feel. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

Thanks.

I think he gave me an explanation because we share a mutual group of friends that he doesn't want to lose, and he knows that the next time I saw him in person, I'd demand an explanation.  So yeah, he gave me one that was total chickensh*t.

I just e-mailed the guy who hosts our parties that I promise never to speak to my ex again unless he speaks to me first, so that he can at least have his pathetic social life and not sit on his butt at home all the time.  I'm accepting that I will never get any kind of apology or explanation after this, so the least I can do is not strain our group of friends.  Besides, I'd like to just get over with seeing him in person again.  Maybe I'll get lucky and at least have some control and foresight on how he comes back into my life.

I might add that this guy is clearly a waif.

[SGraham]

Thanks.

I think he gave me an explanation because we share a mutual group of friends that he doesn't want to lose, and he knows that the next time I saw him in person, I'd demand an explanation.  So yeah, he gave me one that was total chickensh*t.

I just e-mailed the guy who hosts our parties that I promise never to speak to my ex again unless he speaks to me first, so that he can at least have his pathetic social life and not sit on his butt at home all the time.  I'm accepting that I will never get any kind of apology or explanation after this, so the least I can do is not strain our group of friends.  Besides, I'd like to just get over with seeing him in person again.  Maybe I'll get lucky and at least have some control and foresight on how he comes back into my life.

I might add that this guy is clearly a waif.

Yeah the fallout from mutual friend groups can be tricky. It sounds like you handled it in a mature way though.

[GreenEyedMonster]

It's not as if I'll ever get closure, so I may as well not torment anyone else in its pursuit.

[GreenEyedMonster]

It's very telling of what I've been dealing with that I think that agreeing not to talk to him so that he can come might make him even angrier.

[SGraham]

It's not as if I'll ever get closure, so I may as well not torment anyone else in its pursuit.

Yeah thats probably the wisest thing to do.

It's very telling of what I've been dealing with that I think that agreeing not to talk to him so that he can come might make him even angrier.

- i know that feel. But yeah defiantly stand your ground on this one. If you maintain NC it will build YOUR emotional strength and allow you to handle the situation in  the best way possible.

[Sadly]

Hello GEM

I might not be much help but so many of the things you have mentioned I can relate to. My ex says horrible hurtful things to me but if I reply he goes off the wall ballistic and point blank refuses to listen to me. Sometimes but not often he will say he understands and is sorry but they are few and far between. Unfortunately I am a seriously messed up human being because of all this, struggle with my emotions and although I can't nderstand why I still love him and stand back as if I am on the outside looking on and being  horrified as he humiliates and hurts me. This weekend after he had a punishing go at me and I got upset he told me it sickened him to see tearfilled eyes and shaking hands and if I was going to carry on like that everytime he talkedto me then there was no point in going on. When I agreed he shut up. Please, if you are not seriously emotionally involved then stop now. It breaks my heart to think of others suffering like I am even though there are so many. Please think very carefully before you go back to him if he initiates it. I would give anything to be able to deal as rationally as you are doing with his and your own issues. You should be very proud of yourself. Yourself is the key word! I haven't got myself at the moment, I have lost me, please hang on to you. Love  and strength, Sadly. xx

[EaglesJuju]

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