Revelations upon reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother"

[didlier]

I am reading 'understanding the borderline mother' and for the first time have felt my experience validated, of growing as the daughter of a BPD mother. After a big break row with her weeks ago on UK Mother's Day when she was angry that the card and phone call to her weren't enough, I have chosen to set some boundaries around her behaviour to me. I am taking time out but I know when I see her again that will challenging to hold onto those boundaries and not cave in under fear of her wrath. How do others maintain healthy boundaries under pressure?

[Jackiexiii]

I've learned over time that it's easiest to completely block my mother out of my life when she acts irrational. To the best of my ability, anyway. It's actually been a while since she's last done this but she used to send me like 60-80 text messages one after the other if I had "upset her" - which usually was her being offended by or aggravated with something I had said to her probably in defending myself. If she started up on a non-stop tirade like this, I could just turn off my phone. Or, block her on Facebook, delete with out listening to her voicemails, or even block her number completely depending on how bad she was being. She'd have to stop eventually once she got it all out of her system. Prior to me doing this, I calmly asserted to her that if she was treating me unreasonably, I would not respond, also. And this works because she would say what she needed but it wouldn't affect me because I wouldn't allow it to. The only times I talk to her or answer her messages usually are if they're nice ones. Kind of like how you reward a dog with a treat for good behaviour, I rewarded her with my contact if she treated me fairly. I'm not sure how healthy this is for anyone else but it seems to work for me, and now that I'm thinking of it. She acts out on me less and less since I don't respond when she's mean.

[clljhns]

  Mary Wright,

Glad you are here!

Having a parent with BPD is very challenging and is very upsetting to deal with their behaviors. I am so sorry that your mom wasn't able to accept your gift graciously and see the love and caring behind the gift. I also have an uBPDmom, so I know how you feel. I often would experience the same reaction from my mom when I would give her gifts. They were never good enough, or exactly what she wanted. I learned to just let her tell me what she wanted, and if I could afford it, I would get it.

How do others maintain healthy boundaries under pressure?

Setting boundaries are very important for your own mental health. It took a lot of reinforcing of the boundaries I set with my mom before I could see the results of those boundaries. I am wondering if this is really an issue of setting boundaries with mom, or trying to deal with the emotional pain of mom's reaction to the gift. Is this a common reaction from mom, and if so, how have you dealt with it in the past?

Do you have a support group of caring people to help you manage these episodes? Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you with the emotional pain?

I would also suggest reading about Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) to help understand your feelings surrounding mom's reactions. I am including the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Again, I am glad you found us. Looking forward to hearing more about your story. Take care. 

[maemo]

I am reading 'understanding the borderline mother' and for the first time have felt my experience validated, of growing as the daughter of a BPD mother. After a big break row with her weeks ago on UK Mother's Day when she was angry that the card and phone call to her weren't enough, I have chosen to set some boundaries around her behaviour to me. I am taking time out but I know when I see her again that will challenging to hold onto those boundaries and not cave in under fear of her wrath. How do others maintain healthy boundaries under pressure?

Hi Mary!

I have also experienced the same kind of reaction from my mom in regards to gifts. I have also seen my mom act that way toward others who give her gifts. I am sorry she was critical and unappreciative of your card and the time you took to call her.

So far, I have only been able to set boundaries with my mother a few times, and I can say that each time, I felt relief and empowerment afterwards. But it seems like it's hard to do with someone who is BPD, because at least in my experience, they will push and push, even after you've set boundaries. I've been struggling with the maintenance of boundaries for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to go no contact than to constantly have to battle, so to speak. Does the book offer good suggestions about how to set boundaries?