Both taking a break from each other to consider the relationship. Any advice?

[confusedwoman]

I am new to this board and have one other post on the "Staying" board in which I summed up my relationship with my SO as best as I could. He is undiagnosed, but meets at least five of the criteria of BPD. We have been dating for about 4 years, and things have gotten progressively more difficult. In recent weeks, probably for about the last two months, it seems like has has alternated between splitting me, himself, and the relationship black and white. He will burst out saying we should break up at a time when nothing concrete has happened, or when things have been actually going well. This never comes at a time that seems appropriate... .it's never part of a relevant conversation about the state of the relationship, always something unrelated. These occurrences typically do not end in actual breakup. A couple of days or so later it will be as if it never happened. During these times, he will tell me he doesn't love me anymore, while his body language and actions contradict the words. Soon after he will flip back to telling me how much he loves me and how lucky he is. This has now happened twice in the last month. I'm trying to validate his concerns, and giving him space as needed, but it is beginning to take a toll on me. Lately we have discussed me moving in with him a couple of times, and taking a brief summer vacation to visit friends. (I nearly live in his apartment already, and we have traveled together many times, but these things seem to have triggered fears of intimacy or engulfment within him.) His reactions to these triggers are almost always delayed. For days or even weeks, he will act as if everything is fine, even looking me in the eye and saying everything is great. All of this time passes before he abruptly says that he is overwhelmed. The most recent time he brought up breaking up was last week. In the few days since, we have agreed upon taking a break. In the past, I would have been beside myself not knowing what would happen and feeling powerless. This time, though I don't love it, I am actually mostly relishing the opportunity for some self care, as we are clearly having some significant issues and I'm applying as many of the tools as I can but still becoming aware that all of my efforts may not change the outcome much, and likely will not lead to an equal, reciprocal relationship.

When it comes to splitting himself black, he will sometimes (but not as often) say that he is damaged goods, he doesn't know if he's capable of what he wants to have, he doesn't know if it will ever work out for him in life, he is afraid to hurt me. These moments of self clarity are far more rare than the moments of cutting me down.

For whatever my reasons are, I feel it's worth it to take a step back from the relationship and remove some of the pressures, rather than succumb to an abrupt ending after things had actually been going smoothly and fairly well.

After all of that background information, I'd really like to know if anyone has any advice on taking a break with someone who is BPD? We agreed on some terms, such as that we will not use this break for the purpose of meeting or dating other people, but rather for focusing on ourselves and considering our relationship. I hope that these terms will not be limiting but will act as a basic boundary, yes? We've also agreed to revisit the issue in two weeks. From there we can decide if any more time is needed. Has anyone had a positive experience with taking a break from this type of relationship? And is there anything specific for this break situation that I can do to contribute to its well being if I decide I'd like to stay together?

Thank you all very much.

[patientandclear]

CW, I relate to a lot of the dynamics you posted about on Staying.  I think you're approaching this in a very wise way.  I unfortunately have repeatedly enduring the abrupt ending scenario with the person in my life with BPD, and it's definitely taken its toll in generating huge triggers for us both.  Huge uncertainty about whether we will survive hard passages.

A specific agreed time to come back and re-assess seems very smart, and taking the pressure off seems very smart. I realize wish I'd understood BPD better before I reacted in self-protective, defensive ways to what appeared to be abandoning behaviors.  In retrospect if I'd just stepped back I suspect much less damage would have been done.

[confusedwoman]

Thank you for your response, patientandclear. I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through but glad to know we aren't alone. I think I know what you mean about triggers... .my SO has done the abrupt ending enough times that I feel like the BPD partner, rushing to avoid abandonment when it's triggered by him. It's hard to take a step back. But I don't think we should blame ourselves for our reactions. I think a "normal" person could handle them, and take them as a sign that their behavior is damaging. Unfortunately, I think we are working with something altogether different, where our partners' behavior is unpredictable or the opposite of what we'd expect it to be.

Thank you for your specific input about the break. I've always had a difficult time taking a step back too, so I'm hoping it isn't too late for this approach. Now, to determine whether this type of situation is something I can live with. It feels like there's always another step!

[Michelle27]

I am in a similar position right now with my husband and I one week into what we're calling a "therapeutic separation".  He is heading into some deep therapy right now and is obviously anxious about it and therefore, easily triggered.  And my own PTSD like symptoms after 9 years of rages aren't giving me the clarity needed to use the tools I know I should be using very well, so we're actually triggering each other.  I don't know how it's going to look at this point, but I do believe we also need to have some conditions in place but at the moment, we're both pretty raw and other than knowing we both need this break if we are going to have any hope of making it one day.  We're both intending on working on ourselves right now.  We also have a child to think about and have discussed making space for each other by taking turns leaving the home so each of us gets time in the home and time with our daughter without disrupting her anymore than necessary. 

I think it's smart to realize that right now, you need space.  I wish I had figured this out many years ago and not felt so "damaged" after all this time.  For now, it's one day at a time... .

[an0ught]

I am in a similar position right now with my husband and I one week into what we're calling a "therapeutic separation". 

Fyi just in case anyone is not aware of it: Here is a related workshop on therapeutic separation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141686.0

[Lucky Jim]

Hey confusedwoman, I admire your courage, honesty and self-awareness to say that things aren't going well in your r/s so let's take a break to reassess.  As you describe, things got progressively more difficult in my marriage to a pwBPD with similar threats of a b/u when nothing warranted such extreme reactions, yet that is part and parcel of a r/s with a pwBPD, in my experience.  All the drama wore me out.  I reached a point when there was "nothing left in the tank."  Suggest you focus on yourself and keep good boundaries, until you figure out the right path for you.  LuckyJim

[confusedwoman]

I am going over to pick up a few of my things and have a brief discussion with my SO tonight. I don't believe we intend to reach a decision on the state of our relationship tonight, but I'm trying my best to put the communication tools to use during our conversation today. Anyone have advice for this? Right now, after the short time we've been apart, I'm thinking that I would like to continue the relationship when the time comes, and after we lay a good foundation and some ground rules, so to speak. So that would be my goal for tonight, to inform him of that, ask how he is feeling. Should I extend an offer for support, and let him know that I understand if he needs more time, since I could benefit from some too?

I don't want this break to become open ended and last for a long time. I'm actually feeling more secure with this break than I ever have before, which I think is great, and I think it means that I'm working on/taking a deeper look at my possible codependent tendencies. I was thinking of informing him of this honestly -- that I'm not feeling so lost this time around. I want to maybe give a heads up that perhaps he shouldn't create *too* much distance, in a non threatening way. Is there a good way to approach that information? Unfortunately, I think that he might take me for granted and think that I will always be around, waiting for him, so I think him knowing this might be helpful/important.